SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

luke,

as some have said, don't get into the how you know stuff. It's none of her business. if she asks, insists, tell her it's none of her business.

no more Mr. Nice Guy.

you hold the cards.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her you know what she said. Tell her what she said and how hurtful it is.

And then I'd tell her she has to make up her mind right now. Him or me. That's it. no visit on Friday. no more lunch. no more anything.

That's what I'd do. The infidelity would stop tonight. Either it's completely over tonight, or I would file for divorce.

Once I knew about what my wife had done, she had to make a choice right then. I didn't care about showing her proof or convincing her of anything. It didn't matter to me. It shouldn't matter to you. What she thinks doesn't matter. Simply tell her, call him and end it right now. Or we're divorcing. And.... there's no guarantee that I might still divorce. You should tell her that.

i wasn't willing to put up with this nonsense. I wasn't willing to listen to any excuses. I didn't listen to any excuses. neither should you. end it all tonight. and if she decides to stay? still 180 her. no more Mr. Nice Guy.

And don't i deserve to have someone want me, and only me like i did for her. Aren't i worth something.

Yes!! You are worth a lot Luke and you deserve better. What she is doing is horrible and my heart breaks for you, but only you can decide if you're worth more than this.

Listen to the wise people of SI - they are giving you their best advice at a time when it's hard to think straight.

"He said she needs to do what's best for her."

^^^ That is code for 'hey I want to fuck you but I am not taking any responsibility for your choice or your ensuing problems'.

"...the OM seems to be backing off is because he just wants the sex and her offer of just staying friends and no sex is of no interest to him."

^^^ Yep. Very likely.

One other option. Stop the game playing (fame email plan), stop the confrontation, stop the ultimatums.

On Friday, help your WW pack a bag and take her over to OM's house. Tell OM that he can have her. That you do not share. That she is his to be responsible for.

You might find that OM throws her under the bus within 24 hours or so.

Luke, it'll fuck with her head much more if she doesn't know how you got the info. Especially if she thinks a PI is following her. Every single person in her day is a suspect! What a way to live!

Fuck her. You are now at war, and SHE IS THE ENEMY.

If it were me, I'd give her ONE shot, a 5 second decision to choose her family. If she didn't do it, she'd lose her family AND her job.

YOU call the shots now. Don't let her know that she is tearing you apart. Don't listen to what she SAYS, she's a lying, cheating coward. Watch what she DOES. I don't buy this fog bullshit; you choose NOW, or you lose NOW.

Let's see how interested Mr. Soulmate is when she's available.

Well, last night when she got home. She didn't say a word to me. We both just nodded at each other while the kids were up. Thankfully my kids aren't being involved in this drama right now. Then about 2am i heard her wake up. We both are still sleeping in same bed. I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said what's the point i don't believe anything she says anyway. Then i said please tell me you seemed sad when you got home.

She said she had the talk with the OM, and that they decided it was over. That they wouldn't be going to anymore dinners,lunches,texts. They would just talk professionally in the office. I asked her if they planned on meeting again. She said no. Then i told her i knew everything. I heard and read everything that happened today. I knew about the meeting Friday, the promise,... She went nuts. How could i do that. Did i plant a bug in her phone. Did i hire someone. Was i there? That was a private conversation she said none of my business.

She said she knows she has no right to be angry at me cause she deserves it but she's angry.

She said they might meet again cause he has some questions. I said those questions might be asking her to leave me, or how to continue the affair. She said no. She never wanted to leave the family she never thought that was option. She was always hoping to wind it down. She said she knew she would have to tell me cause of the guilt. I again told her what NC means. She said she can't just turn it off. There is no switch. She needs to take it day by day and hopefully she doesn't fall off the bandwagon. I asked her why they never had sex. She said it was the one thing she wanted to keep for herself. She knew she could never come back if that happened. Also, the promise according to her is not sex.

I told her that was a great start, but if that's all she can do then i need to plan a life without her. Then she said so i guess it's over there's no way back to me. I told her i have to be prepared to live life as a single parent cause that's what i've been. What if she leaves me. Then she said i going to try and take our kids away from her and that will never happen. She went a little crazy on that. I assured her that was not my intention.

She said why am i pushing her away. She needs my help to come back. I told her that's what i'm trying to do.

She did answer all the questions about the promise, and others. I also told her i wanted to talk with the OM. Then she began pleading with me not to. She said she didn't want any confrontation. The OM is a person too she said, and she's afraid i might hurt him cause i'm a lot bigger than him. I told her i wasn't there to hurt him i just want to talk, see his face, get his story, and obviously threaten to him exposure of the affair to their bosses and HR if he doesn't comply. She really begged me. I asked her what did they think would happen if they got caught. Didn't they think i might be a little angry.

Anyway, there's no point in any MC right now. I suggested she go to IC just for herself. But, that i needed to still plan. I told her to just take it one day at a time if that's all she can do. I plan on filing very soon. It's either that or every day i'm on edge will she won't she.

Hi Luke, just read through your thread. Sorry you are here. You have been getting some great advice. Exposing the A will certainly help. If you insist on a meeting with OM, don't go in empty handed. Actually hire a PI and get a background check ASAP. Let him know what you found. Good or bad. Let him know that you mean business.

If she really does want your help, and I believe her that she may want to stop but can't, NC is imperative and that means quitting her job. You are at a major crossroads right now and need to take the gloves off before she firmly plants herself on that fence. I can guarantee you that she is plotting at the moment on how she can continue to cake eat. Do not let her. Force her hand. This is the most critical time.

It's hard but you can do this. Show her you are fighting for yourself, the M, and the kids. exposing it, insisting on NC by quitting her job are necessary for you to even have a shot at recovery let alone reconciliation. No way reconciliation can start until she starts to show remorse and she's not remorseful at all. No empathy there what so ever for you and the kids.

You call the shots. Be firm. Continue to contact that lawyer no matter what and at the minimum know you rights.

Strength and courage Luke.

yop

eta - typos and stupid autocorrect

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:28 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Luke,

You need to get to the attorney before she does. You must file for divorce.

Let's look at what she did

(1) yesterday's lunch and conversation

(2) came home and said nothing

(3) 2Am she at out lies to you about everything

(4) show no remorse but anger at you for bothering to try to interrupt her privacy

(5) she s you the affair will continue until she wants it to stop and refuses your NC terms

(6) still directly tells you that she WILL meet with him again tomorrow for lunch. If you believe she did or does not a. To have sex with him you are being fooled

So here is your situation. Your wife has decided she will continue to have you accept her open marriage lifestyle until she wants to stop. She gives you threats about what you will do or not do with the settlement and kids.

And most destructive, she is MORE concerned about the OM than you and your marriage.

There is absolutely no reason why you should talk to other man. It is your wife that is the problem, and you should just out him to HR and fuck her if she does not like it. What are you going to do except be humiliated if he tells you to fuck off. Get yourself throw in jail. And by the time you read this you can be sure he knows a the details of your conversation last night and that they are getting their stories straight.

Her comment about helping her come back is bullshit. She wants to cake eat and fool you some ore.

All IC will do is give her more time to stall you and continue this affair under the cover of IC. The time for that is if you R,

Luke , she has defied you again and fully intends on meeting him for who knows what tomorrow.

You will be right where you are now constTantly if you do not up the ante.

Your ONLY chance to stop this is to out him to HR and maybe fear of loss of his job will get him to detach from her , but if you give him warning you are going to do that it is a big mistake

It is to e for re hardball

Serve her with papers and out the OM

MC and all that is meaningless now and she does not need to be reAding fucking books now. The. She gets to continue affair and you have book reviews with her

No more stalling

You must accept that

Brother as I predicted she is in damage control mode. She is only pleading with you so you don't expose the dirty little secret her and the OM created. If OM was truly afraid of you I don't think he would have been planning on screwing your wife. Every word out of her mouth was designed to protect OM and herself. Now if you choose to believe the bullshit that's up to you. Trust me my man neither she nor OM could give less then a fuck about you and/or your feelings. I really love the line that OM is a person too. Well gee whiz, OM sure didn't seem to care that you were a "person too" when he was planning on having sex with your WW. And you W didn't either for that matter. Every word out of your WW mouth stinks of regret. And not regret for cheating, but for being caught. And certainly don't mix up regret with remorse. For remorse is the only thing that may put you on the road to R. And so far she has not shown one tangible sign of remorse.

Fuck him. You don't need to talk with him. But don't tell her you're not going to. Let her think the worst.

SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP TO GET BACK? She has to decide to convince YOU to come back. SHE has to do the heavy lifting. Don't listen to what she SAYS, she's a liar. Watch what she DOES.

You need to get to a lawyer and file, brother. Show her you mean business. No switch? Here's the switch, bitch.

It's not up to you to tell her how to win you back. If she really wants it, she'll fall on her knees and plead.

....heck, I don't even see any regret in your WW. All I see is petulance.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this....it is a very surreal experience.

she is deeply in the fog brother. of course she needs to meet with him again.she needs to convince him to take her in. from their earlier conversation, it sounds like he is getting cold feet.

you are her plan B.

do not accept that.

She said what's the point i don't believe anything she says anyway.

Another complete avoiding tactic used by all WS. The poor you never believe me stuff. And also a good sign someone is lying.

That was a private conversation she said none of my business.

If possible, reason with her asking how the hell her having sex with some guy is none of her business. At the very least, get her the book Not Just Friends. It will clue her in on everything she is doing wrong.

I think your wife is smart enough to completely understand that book.

She said they might meet again cause he has some questions.

Tell her that if he has anymore questions he can ask you. It is time you contact this OM.

She needs my help to come back.

Tell her that is the hundredth time she has said that and to her that only means she wants you to let her do whatever she wants. That is exactly the same attitude as an alcoholic when they continually tell someone they need their help. And what that also means is please just one more drink.

Also, the promise according to her is not sex.

What was the promise?

No more winding down, because that means a continuation of the affair.

I noticed you did not discuss with her, her quitting her job. She cannot continue to work with the OM.

Call this OM on the phone, I do think face to face would cause a fight. And the last thing you want is to have the OM sue you for some BS assault.

Your wife still has no clue of the damage she has caused. She still thinks in the poor little me attitude that oh I screwed up and there is no fixing it.

Well duh, no fixing it until she starts doing what is right. Until she starts showing a little remorse. There will be no fixing this until she grows up and fixes herself and does the right things.

Are you still going to be able to listen to her conversations today and Friday.

You told her you knew of Friday?

I am surprised you let her even go to work today.

if you want to reconcile and snap her out of the fog your only hope is the hand her D papers and expose the affair to HR anything other than that and she will continue her affair.

Yeah. What orbit19 said!!!

I too don't get the 'I need help' exactly how? While she has those conversations with him. Ask her how she would have helped if she were in your shoes. Also that's not a private conversation, its affecting all your lives, including your children's. Ask her firmly for actions. Quit her job. NC letter and IC.

Luke:

Can you show up at her office and talk to the OM.

If you can stay calm, when talking to him, and I think you can, that will scare the heck out of him because you can tell him, if he doesn't stop talking to your wife, next stop is HR.

Also. Make your wife quit her job. To bad that it's her dream job. She can not be in proximity to the OM.

I also bet the OM does NOT want to marry her. He just wants some on the side, like most men who cheat.

Women on the other hand, tend to justify their affair by convincing themselves that they are in love with the OM.

In reality, they are infatuated. She is likely not in love with the OM, she just has to tell herself that to justify her sleazy behavior.

If you can show up at work and have a calm conversation with the OM, The dinner party idea is a good suggestion.

Also, I think you can tell let her know that you know they met and what they talked about, but as others noted, do not give away your source.....ever.

Luke, another thought. Can you show up there today and or Friday and take your wife to lunch.

That would send a hell of a signal to the OM and your wife.

It would put your wife in the decide now position once and for all, at work.

No more winding down nonsense.

Luke

And her next move, if not tomorrow but it will happen, is she WILL have sex with him, and blame it on you since you would not help her back. All your fault for not understanding her.

I agree. Right now you are plan B. Just think about . She calls or texts you before coming home the other night and wants to have sex. Probably because she just got do switch a heavy petting session with OM. Then she wants to plan vacation, and every morning pets and makes out with OM before work/

That is your future if you back pedal one inch

There are two other threads on here you should read about. Both workplace affairs. They are PTSB2 and Change Maker.

Change Maker did the tough things and drew the line in the sand and moved on with his life and is doing a lot better. PTSB let her do what your wife is doing and seven months out is still having a terrible time and his wife is buyingbOM cookies and flirting with him at work

Which do you want.

The books are worthless because they are meant for people who want to get their M fixed. Your wife want her affair and is willing to sacrifice her M. The books will do nothing . She already admitted she knows she is wrong, but is unwilling to stop.

Now you are in a race. She may see an attorney because she is scared of kid thing and you need to get there first. And do not be surprised if she comes home and tells you there is absolutely no reason not to have sex with him now that you know .

Also, reject any 180 advice right now. That is for you and not meant to win her back. All that will do right now by you detaching is give her more space to do what she wants without you having a clue. You will mentally go crazy with that until you get some more answers. Then you can do tha

No MC, no IC that you pay for while the affair continues

As far as monitoring her in the future, even if i can't it doesn't matter. After what she said today i can't see myself with her. I'm not sure there is ever a recovery from what i heard today. I'm more and more reserving myself that this marriage is over. That divorce is inevitable. If not this guy what about another in a few months. And don't i deserve to have someone want me, and only me like i did for her.

All the above is painful to process for you, but believe me, believe us, you will revisit these thoughts again and you will want to do it on your own terms, while situation is under your control, and after the A is fully blown and exposed and you can start getting the details you need to decide if you truly want to D.

Now, I do think that at the very least you need the identity of this OM. If you are compelled to meet with this horn dog, then do nothing more than let him know that you are aware of his identity and his involvement with your WW. You might add just for, shits and grins, that your attorney is also planning to subpeona him, his boss and your WW's boss, as well as the couple of (fake) workplace insiders you've enlisted for testimony in supplement to the evidence provided by the (fake) PI you hired to gather all the evidence of the A.

I think OM will shit bricks and throw your wife under the bus, fast and hard. He'll also be a complete paranoid at this workplace. So will your WW. Fantasy A and fantasy workplace gets nuked.

I don't think this "single" guy is that hard up to deal with that kind of drama for a quick piece of ass at the office. He'll be avoiding your WW like the plague.

I don't think this "single" guy is that hard up to deal with that kind of drama for a quick piece of ass at the office. He'll be avoiding your WW like the plague.

I agree with this entire post. And I think it is something you should think about.

End her fairytale thinking and back into the real world.