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That is exactly why I mentioned his son. Biological or not, legally he is not the father.

But my main point is that his mother is abusing him as well as breaking up the family.

Her affair is selfish towards her son as well.

She was going to move away to work and shack up with the OM. Where would her son be when she moved? With his "babysitter".

Again she is negating her responsibility a mother and parent.

Unloved can force the issue and insert more reality into this affair by telling her take "her" son away with her for the weekend.

It forces her to face reality and make a decision. It is called consequences for her crappy, hurtful decisions.

Will it harm his relationship with his stepson. Probably.

But in reality his Mom is the one doing the real damage.....

[This message edited by happyman64 at 11:25 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I see it differently, Happyman. I don't think reconciliation is a good idea in most cases, and especially not when you're dealing with someone who so completely lacks remorse and respect. Even though he doesn't want it, I think UAB is heading for a divorce whether this affair fizzles out or not. He clearly loves the kid like a son, legality and biology aside, and none of this is the kid's fault. There's nothing wrong with being a decent human being and being there for someone you consider a son.

I actually think the suggestion that he punish the kid for his Mom's behavior is pretty horrible.

This is going to be a hard night for you. I do not know how someone can do what she is doing to another person.

OP needs to look inside himself to see why he allows someone to do this to him. The long term impact on him is great.

Get some self respect and move on. Do not put your future into someone like this.

You are young, there is a great future for someone like you. Spend the rest of your life with someone who appreciates and respects you.

I am too late to all of this. I would have sent her stuff down to OM's house.

What does it matter if you have a VAR or PI. It doesn't change the fact that in the face of your pain she is still choosing to end it in person. That is just bullshit. I would smile and say, great you want to work on us. Then I will go down with you. We can turn it into a mini-vacation. She doesn't get to call the shots at this point. Allowing her to end things on her terms is really going to make R difficult and more painful later down the road. Trust me from experience. I allowed my husband to end things on his terms. He ended them that night and then the next day (they texted each other again nearly 50 times) after they ended it. Then he erased it when he came home. I still kick myself for trusting him that much and not blocking the number. I should have said if you talk you better damn well leave every text or your ass is out the damn door. That continued disrespect killed me more than the damn affair. The choice to act that way in the face of my acknowledged pain. No excuse for the shit. Sure, she may end it...but at what cost? You living with her the rest of your life knowing that she had just that one more time to have sex.

Go with her.

I agree with Happyman, completely.

Hopeless,I agree with some of what you say. This relationship is toast.

I don't see how it equates to punishing the kid. It gives the Mom a rude awakening when she has to choose between her infidelity and the kid for just one weekend. He is Mom's responsibility anyway, she needs to suck it up and step to the plate.

If he was a small child, I would agree. He's 17. Pretty close to having to sign up for the draft. Old enough to know when adults are playing games with him. He can look out for himself, but don't take away the roof over his head just because his Mom is making shitty choices.

Catching up on your thread here UAB. Yours is of the more selfish WSs. Cake eater. Luckily it seems like you see right through her and see her for what she truly is.

Quite honestly, and I don't say this lightly, if she's already left to go there, I would pack up her shit in trash bags right now, go down there and drop them off on her APs door step while she's there. I would text her where she can find her shit after you pull out of the driveway.

Really. You don't want this type of character in your life. She's still plenty capable of dealing more pain to you and that stepson of yours. I agree with Happyman. I'm a BC myself as my mother did similar things as your WW. She made our life a living hell for a long time as she continued her A in front of the entire family even after I repeatedly caught her.

Do yourself a favor and let her know what the living arrangements now are. Drop her shit off with AP while she's there. Sounds like AP will be delighted to have her. They belong together.

Legally I know you can't just kick her out of your place, but legally there's no saying you can't try. Take that first step and put her out. IF she comes back she comes back.

Protect yourself and what's emotionally left of your family. Put her out.

Good luck and continued strength to you.

yop

Om will not let go. Anyone who invokes god's will while breaking god's laws is not all there.

This is a guy who has trouble getting women and he will not let someone dumb enough to get involved with him.

Extract yourself from the situation.

ok now I understand what hopeless is saying but O was only talking about sending him down there for the weekend. Not kicking him to the streets. I agree this 17 year old doesn't deserve the bullshit Mom is creating. OP is respectable and considering the kid. He does not deserve this and neither does OP. MOm has turned into a whack job and this should head for termination of the marriage

OP should not use his step son to fight his battles nor should he put him at risk.

The solution is simple, get a new life with someone who loves him. OP is only 32 years old. He can build a life. His WW has no respect for him.

OP needs to work on himself first and foremost.

Well, she just left. I'm inventorying the apartment now.I also did put the 2nd VAR in her car. It's in the magazine pocket of the passenger seat. I need to know her next move. I agree, she's just going to take this underground. I don't think R is possible. I actually regret letting her drive off with it. I'm scared shitless they will find it.

I'm not going to use our son as a weapon against his mom. And, I'm not going to punish him for her selfishness and stupidity.

I'm sorry she left, UAB, and I'm glad you're doing right by her son. You're a good man and that will pay dividends in the future. For the time being, please be nice to yourself. I know this is horrific.

I hope I don't make myself sick worrying about the VAR. I got a very, very bad feeling come over me in the pit of my stomach when she left. I've already been vilified enough. The last thing I need is legal trouble.

Try not to worry too much about the VAR. Chances she'll find it are slim. As far as legal consequences go, the second circuit court of appeals ruled in 2010 that the act of recording someone without their consent wasn't actionable as long as it couldn't be proven that the recording was to be used to commit further crimes. I think you're probably good there.

Don't worry about it.

On the 0.1% chance it is found her sins are 5686433567 timed worse. You are on the side of right.

Don't worry about the VAR - what is done is done. Personally I never look in those pockets and I've got three kids. They are going to be too busy "breaking up".

If you want a good laugh read this string about someone finding the VAR their spouse hid.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=45882

If you aren't in the mood for a laugh the BH found the VAR and thought it was a bomb and called his whole office down to check it out.

Really unless has caught you spying on her or knows about this site you should be fine.

hopeless and Eric are right on this one.

Good call brother.

Godspeed.

Let us know how it goes.

Her going is grounds enough anyway.

My question to you is if she truly breaks it off, what are your plans then ?

You deserve better but it's all in your court

Also keep in mind, if she would ever file charges, you lose your income, she can't afford to live and further, her son would kirk out at her for what she did

[This message edited by Western at 4:24 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry she left bud. Is your son around tonight? Maybe try and catch a movie with him? I doubt you'll be able to get your mind off this but it's worth a shot? In the *Betrayed Menz Thread* in the *I Can Relate Forum* they guys were talking about the new Mad Max movie...

I feel for you man. Don't worry about the VAR. You'll be fine.

Yeah, I've got my son tonight. We're doing Xbox and pizza!

In regard to "if you find out she really did break it off"... Dunno. Not really expecting that.

I'd like to R, but my list of non-negotiable requirements is about 40 items long, and she's not expressed interest in all of them. She simply does not care about what I need. She's lost her mind

If you're worried about the VAR its because you're playing the game by the wrong rules. Those two are acting like a bawdy Bonnie and Clyde, lying about everything under the sun and you're worried about a tape recorder?

Your story?

You didn't put it there. You didn't turn it on, you never saw it, she must be framing you while she commits adultery, etc. This isn't a CSI case.