SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unbroken,

The decision to place a VAR in her car is a sign that you are struggling to detach, for you know that she has had sex with POSOM as much as she could. Why would she make trip to break up with him and deprive herself of the sensual pleasure of connecting with the greatest love of her life? The VAR in the car is not going catch any sounds, unless she is a screamer.

As HappyMan and several other posters have pointed out, your biggest dilemma is how to treat your son. At the beginning I suggested to you that this exit affair was the product of her biological alarm clock. She stayed with you long enough to get her son raised at the expense of you having a biological child(ren) of your own.

You may choose to continue to support your son as if were your flesh and blood. You may also wish to remarry. The burden of paying for your son's education will reduce your value on the dating market. What if you date a single mother with kids whose circumstances are economically strained?

Your marriage has lasted over a decade. You may be on the hook for a lot of alimony. How do you feel about that weight, plus tens of thousands to support your son?

Once your WW realizes that the economicand social consequences of divorce are practically negative, she may strain herself to reconcile. But can you conceive of her showing you a fraction of the passion she feels for OM?

It will take months of NC to cleanse her neural pathways of OM. She does not fantasize about kissing you, even chastely for the sake of old times.

File for divorce. Get yourself off the lease and vanish. The situation with your son is tragic but you will need time to sort it out. It would be a big mistake to allow the D settlement to saddle you with financial responsibility for him.

[This message edited by LongWalk at 5:07 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Have fun with your son.

Stay distracted.

We are here.

If your WW doesn't come back tonight because she has been "saying goodbye" all weekend:

I think this is the worst reaction you could possibly expect if your WW finds the VAR - note the strong IF:

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 5:15 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Yeah, I guess in all honesty, I do have trouble detaching. To give an honest self assessment, I guess I put the VAR in the car because I was hoping there was some off chance that she really is able to free herself from the affair.

I won't lie, I ache because of this. I was madly in love with her for 11 years. It's hard to accept that the woman I knew doesn't exist. I think I keep hoping if I could just separate her from him, she'd go back to normal. Clearly, my attachment issues are quite powerful.

Having said that, I know the wife I knew is dead. My marriage is dead. My family is dead. I'm the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust.

I've got the pictures and inventory almost done. I've also got the appointment with the attorney on Monday. I'm going to have him file immediately.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I know it's the only option left.

I'm really sorry man.

Try and enjoy your evening with your son.

We're here for you.

I am. He took a few minutes to talk on the phone with his girlfriend. Gave me a few minutes to think.

hang in there dude. And file !!

She has always believed that she settled for you but deserved some other guy. Who he was and how he differed she never exactly knew. But the idea has always been in the back of her mind. You did not perceive it. This only gave her reason to hold you in contempt. She was bored for a long time. Her son reaching adulthood was the time limit on her fidelity.

If post D her life goes tits up, as the British say, she may fall back in love with you. But you will have moved on.

Yeah, I guess so. I'm floored.

UAB, I just read all 16 pages of your thread, and I am terribly sorry that you are going through all of this. I know what it is like, and I can assure you that you will get through it.

First off, I can't believe the hide of the OM. I had a confrontation with my WW's OM and I can tell you, it took everything I had not to spread his nose over his face. Had he have taunted me with this self-righteous bullshit on Facebook, I would have cracked it. What a pathetic piece of excrement your WW's OM is.

My fWW carried on a similar way to this, I demanded NC, and the two of them continued to conduct unnecessary conversations over Email at work under the guide of it 'being for work!!', and it was almost as if my wife did not take me seriously. It's the fog, it does strange things to people. It was only when I walked in one day after having irrefutable evidence that they were still talking throughout the day at work, that I slapped divorce papers on her lap )and told her I considered our marriage was now over) that she snapped out of it and realised that her life was about to go up in smoke.

What I am saying is, detaching from her actions and filing for divorce is the best option at this point. It goes against everything that your heart is screaming at you to do, but it is the smartest play you can make. You are removing yourself from infidelity, and telling her that you will in no way tolerate her fantasy.

You are handling yourself with amazing integrity and a noble grace; keep it up mate.

Oh and it has been empirically researched that relationships born out of infidelity have a ~1% chance of success two years after the wayward partner has moved on (look up Dr Shirley Glass's work)....drop that little nugget of wisdom on your wife sometime. I am sure they are in the 1% though, and that their love born out of infidelity and his three previous broken marriages is as pure as morning snow...

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 2:02 AM, May 17th (Sunday)]

Stay strong, U&B. Best wishes!

very good thoughts by Hurthalo

I have absolutely no idea what time she's coming back today. I'm on pins and needles. I need to get this over with ASAP.

I keep thinking, what if she comes back with him to get her things? She knows what I said I would do if she went down there. I wasn't kidding.

write down a list of scenarios and how you would react to any of them, then if you run them by us here, you'll get some fine tuning.

She comes back with him what do you do ?

She comes back alone, says it's over and she wants to rebuild things, what do you do ?

She comes back, tells you she couldn't break up with him, what do you do ?

She comes back and tries a false DV claim, what do you do ?

She comes back, won't tell you what happened down there ?

Have a strategy for each, execute the 180 immediately upon her arrival home, see the attorney tomorrow and I hope you took my advice from the other day and gathered critical documents and items that yo could lose if she was to try and file a faase restraining order and put them in a safe place away from home and made copies of all of your evidence for divorce

Stay strong brother. You drew the line in the sand? Stick to it - otherwise, there will be more shit sandwiches in your future & you do not deserve that.

Let go of the idea that you can fix her. Direct all your energies to fixing YOU.

What is the status? Is her shit hefty-bagged? Locks changed? What?

Depending on your level of protection, I'd say either gtf out of there, or at least have a friend come by to be with you.

She comes back with him what do you do?

I'm not sure. Of course, if he comes, it'll be so he can "protect her" like "God" told him to. I've already loaded my .40. Not that I intend to get violent but if he attempts a fight, I'm prepared to end it, Texas style.

She comes back alone, says it's over and she wants to rebuild things, what do you do?

I tell her to get the hell out. She knew the consequences of going down there, even if it was to "break up."

She comes back, tells you she couldn't break up with him, what do you do?

I tell her that I knew she wouldn't. Then I direct her to her crap and tell her to leave.

She comes back and tries a false DV claim, what do you do?

I have my 1st VAR on me at all times.

She comes back, won't tell you what happened down there?

I kick her out.

What is the status? Is her shit hefty-bagged? Locks changed? What?

Hefty bagged. I'm ready to begin the shock and awe and get this crap behind me so I can regain sanity and happiness.

Depending on your level of protection, I'd say either gtf out of there, or at least have a friend come by to be with you.

I have my .40 if he gets violent. I've also just texted my rough and tumble brother and asked him to come over.

UAB -- whatever you do, please stay calm. I'm a little worried about your brother coming over. He knows how hurt you are and he may say things to WS or OM that could cause an escalation.

And I highly doubt that OM will come. They are usually cowards when the rubber hits the road.

But regardless, stay calm and don't do anything that could jeopardize your future. Let her take her stuff and leave. There is nothing else to discuss. Don't engage. Keep your eye on your goal.

STAY CALM.

My guess is she will show-up and either say they "broke-up" or that she couldn't do it. Then you say I packed your bags get out. She says it's my house too you can't make me leave. You say get out... go stay with your Mom, Sibs... I don't want you in this house....She still refuses to go and you can't get violent... and don't want to cause a scene with her son in the house...so she ends up in a spare room or sharing a room with her son.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:18 AM, May 17th (Sunday)]

I doubt he will return with her - he is to chicken to do something like that, and besides, I doubt she would bring him with her anyway - if she was so brazen, she would have had him come to her before. Keep your calm. Remove the VAR, go for a drive, and listen to it and see if there is anything on there that contradicts what she is going to tell you when she gets back... And take it from there... Whatever you decide, keep your cool... We are all rooting for you.