SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

U&B, do you have real-life support from friends and family?

Have you considered individual counselling for yourself to help you cope with all this? It helped me tremendously in the aftermath of my toxic relationship(s) with xSO and family members.

It's good that you're recognizing your struggles with her as a fight with your own codependency etc. It's a big step towards healing yourself, regardless of what happens with her and you.

Best wishes

I agree with Hobbes; I've had a lot of support from my friends, which is soo valuable at a time like this.

They help me mostly by listening and validating my feelings. I hope you're getting something along those lines where you are.

And it is time your told family members especially Your MIL about what is going on.

You should refuse to discuss with her until the affair has ended, no contact, committed to working to reconcile the marriage. Repeat that to her anytime she tries to discuss. "I will not discuss until your adulterous affair has ended.". That is all. In the meantime, file for divorce. Reply one last message to other man, copy your wife, "no more drama about your adulterous affair." Then block him.

Her affair will not end until she lives with other man and discovers he is horrible. Or until other man can't deal with her crazy, even if she is good in bed. Sorry. In the meantime, move forward, DETACH,IGNORE, STAY AWAY AS POSSIBLE.

Unbroken,

You should have asked her what movie. If she replied that, "It doesn't matter." Then you could responded with "okay, let's skip it then."

If she proposed some movie, you could have replied that you don't really want to see that one.

I'm still floored at the offer to go on a date! Dafuq? The delusion is strong with this one!

Thanks for the encouragement. Can't say it enough.

And yes, to answer the questions, I do have support IRL. But, most of my friends have never dealt with this. So, of course, their advice is all over the map. And, in some ways, naive.

Although, I must credit my pastor for getting the POSOM fired and destroying her attempt to get that job. That was his idea. And it worked brilliantly.

I do have a friend that dealt with a seriously psychotic beeoch of a now xWW. So he feels my pain. He's been a good source of help. But, I hesitate to flood his life with my own problems. He's got health issues and they've been flaring up, making him so miserable he can't work because of the pain. Don't want to overburden him.

Another friend of mine also dealt with a now xWW. I stayed with him for 3 weeks after D-Day. But, I had to move back home because my friend's mom was moving into the room he let me use. He's been a great source of help too. He did a lot of reading and counseling to try and understand his xWW. So, he helped to educate me on a lot of the mental reality warping going on in her head. It's been insightful.

My dad and 2 of my brothers know. I don't have a relationship with my mom. She's an alcoholic and rageaholic that was abusive growing up (hence my dependency issues.). I kept one brother out of the loop. He's got mental health issues and doesn't need to know. It won't be good for him. Although, I'd LOVE to send him in my WW and her POSOM's way when he gets psychotically violent. Kidding, kidding. Sorry...

My dad's advice has been okay. He said, "I'm sorry to hear that." And he cried with me when I told him. He told me he doesn't judge either her or me. At first I was taken aback. And then I remembered that I suspected the woman that is my step-mother now was my dad's OW before he divorced my horrible mother. He "bumped into her" and married her only a couple months after the divorce went through. Convenient. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and I have a great relationship with him. But... When I told my brother (the one that offered to go beat the POSOM senseless) what my dad said, he asked, "What the hell kind of response is that?"

I quietly replied, "The response of an adulterer."

And, I've started seeing a psychologist on the mobile app, Doctor OnDemand. It's pretty cool and fairly well priced. I can do it from the comfort of my office or home. Anywhere with wifi over my phone's camera. But, I'm thinking of seeing a therapist that I can sit in an office with.

I'm still floored at the offer to go on a date! Dafuq? The delusion is strong with this one!

This cracked me up, and it's a good sign. You're finding things to amuse yourself. Any small break is good.

Thanks for the reply, U&B!

I'm glad to hear you've got lots of IRL support, and I'm especially thrilled to hear about

But, I'm thinking of seeing a therapist that I can sit in an office with

How are you feeling at the moment? When will you know if she goes down there or not?

UaB I am responding to your 10:53 am Friday post...this thread has gotten so long it's like a whole new job getting through it!! Look what a popular guy you are!

About the not feeling strong part...you are at that stage. This stage can last a while but it is totally normal. Yes of course you want her back. Don't feel ashamed about those feelings. Those of us who are committed don't just "undo" that commitment in our hearts, minds, souls overnight. So that takes a while too. Just know that this is normal and don't expect yourself to feel differently, but just keep moving your chess pieces in the direction of your self respect and what is best for you in the long run. None of us deserves to be with someone who does not respect us.

ALL here have been through this or are currently going through it in various stages (me included--still on the roller coaster ride) and you are in good company.

One of the reasons so many of us keep coming back to SI is that reading threads like yours provides therapeutic support back to the rest of us at the same time as it is going out to you. Isn't this a great place?

One of the reasons so many of us keep coming back to SI is that reading threads like yours provides therapeutic support back to the rest of us at the same time as it is going out to you. Isn't this a great place?

Absolutely! SI is amazing! I'd be wallowing in self pity and tripping all over myself if I hadn't found y'all.

Yeah, I've had a few people mention to me that having a sense of humor at this stage is a good sign. I hope so.

I've always used humor to diffuse tense situations.

Speaking of, when I kick her ass out this weekend and file for divorce on Monday, I have my line ready to go:

"You made [POSOM's] bed, now you can lie in it."

If she chooses to sleep with the pigs, she can't moan about the stink.

I hope you have a grand weekend, whatever you have planned

You are 32 and she is 37... Go dump her cheating old ass. She was a different person when you got together. Would you ever find someone like her attractive if you weren't married to her ?

Make the date plans and don't show up..:D

Or even better

I am utterly disgusted by you as a person. I want nothing to do with you.

Notice what is happening. She is realizing that she is losing grip on you and is throwing tidbits of affections so that you will be around as a backup if things with her lover get bad...

[This message edited by kimichi at 4:51 PM, May 15th (Friday)]

So, she just need to tell you sorry and end her relationship(or she gets dumped) and you are ready to take her back immediately ?

When you have such absolutely low standards, what is stopping her from doing it again when this relationship end ? She could still say that her needs are not met. You will never meet her needs because she needs that excuse to cheat

Your approach should be absolutely divorce unless she gives you very good reasons otherwise. She should be begging you to give her another chance to fix this. Just ending the affair as a requirement for R is setting up yourself for failure...

You are still 32 and in your prime, don't have kids with her, stepson is old enough... Get the fuck out of this marriage. You dont realize how lucky you are. It is not a coincidence it happened the year her son is moving out. Her crazy is going to get worse

Sorry to hear about your mom and brother. FOO, without victims in one generation who mess up the offspring, dysfunction would be extinct.

Can't wait to hear how you cut your WW off financially.

UnlovedAndBroked, I am so very sorry, oh wow.

I have not read the entirety of the thread as the first pages got me going. So i apologize if i am redundant or off context.

First, let's settle any confusion... she is not in love with anything other than the chemical high of the affair.

Infidelity = addiction, nothing more. There is no reason or excuse to try and find fault in you or the marriage. Something broke inside her to allow her to start down this path. It is an internal break, nothing that can be blamed on your or anything you did.

She is so deep in the addiction that nothing matters. No one and nothing can compete with that high. This is why her behavior is irrational.

She will re-write history to suit her addiction as well. Don't get caught up in what she says. The spouse is always the enemy, it helps pursue the addiction.

You have to treat this as an addiction but because this is wrought by her own faculties and the fallout is beyond our daily lives but our hearts, you need to shut her off and work on you.

There is no sense on trying to reconcile unless she too is in that space, otherwise you are hurting yourself and giving her all the power.

Somethings that help break the addiction or at least send a wake up call is exposure.

However, the main thing to do is prepare to leave and file for divorce, she is so deep that there is no reasoning here. She is going each weekend F'ing this dude and gives a rats arse about the rest of the world.

All that remains is you and you moving on. Perhaps in that process she will wake up, but who knows. You need to take control, it is your life, not hers to do with as she pleases.

Please don't let her control you one more second.

In the process to heal yourself and move on and she starts to change to want your forgiveness, then you have options and we will be here to help if that happens. But stop being in limbo, this needs to end now.

i wish i could sit and have a drink with you. Keep us updated.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:06 PM, May 15th (Friday)]

Oh, R wouldn't be as simple as "end it and say you're sorry." I know that.

It's a fantasy of my own.

It's time to hit her with the flaming 2x4 of reality. I know it. I've accepted it. I'm ready.

Hey UAB, I see your out in Euless. I've been out there many times for my boys hockey games.

Some things to point out for you to consider in the D process in TX

1) There's a mandatory 60 day "cooling off" period before the judge gets to sign off on the D papers and make it official. So if you want a window of time to see if your WW will pull her head out the OM's ass and see the light, show remorse, want to stay in the M and work on R you at least have two months forced on you to wait it out.

2) That 60 day clock starts when your WW is served, not when your attorney files. Also, if I remember correctly if she gets served but doesn't respond in 30 days then you get default judgement. So have your attorney work that petition heavily in your favor. Who knows, maybe your WW and OM will be too busy petting unicorns and constructing rainbows to waste anytime with that "silly old petition" and forget to respond.

3) This is a no fault state and communal property is generally 50/50. Start taking pics of items in the apartment to make inventory easier. You'll need to fill out an assets/liabilities list. Might as well keep yourself busy doing the paperwork over the weekend.

4) I know Dallas County and Collin County sort of streamline the process to sign off on D. Ask your attorney where it would be favorable to you to file. Ask about contested vs uncontested. I would go the uncontested route if your WW is that drunk off the OM she might sign off on just about anything...maybe even washing your car and taking you out to free steak dinners every weekend per agreement! J/k

5) attorneys aren't marriage therapists. They have a job to do and it is to do it in their clients best interest. This is business. Infidelity has little to no impact on division of assets. Custody isn't an issue with you anyway.

6) there are a bunch if D attorneys in the DFW area that give free consultations. See as many as your schedule allows. One attorney you see is one less that your WW can hire due to conflict of interest. Maybe your WW will end up hiring a criminal attorney on a budget to represent her and fuck things up in her interest, like my XW did. It served my interest well.

As for your son, just be there for him and let him vent to you. You don't have to agree or disagree with anything he says. He just needs someone listen and understand his frustration. You just need to validate him and tell him you hear what he's saying.

And....your just 32? Shit, buddy, you got ALL the time in the world for a new beginning! When my availability became "known" at the age of 43 I suddenly became rather popular among the available women. Something about being a single dad I guess. Anyway, your new problem won't be meeting new women, but filtering the good from the bad based on what you learn here.

I say all this not to tell you to go ahead and D her. Instead, I'm telling you if D is the route you choose it ain't all that bad. Have no fear. This is all about getting leverage on the situation now so that it is ultimately YOU who decides the conclusion no matter what your WW does or doesn't do.

He's got this!

What really struck me while reading this, other than all the obvious that has been stated is that you have a wonderful handle on the reality of your M and if there were any weaknesses. Just remember as you stated to your step-son all M have problems and weaknesses. You know why, because we are human and not perfect and live in a fallen world. There is no way in reality for someone to have all their needs met. Please don't ever feel bad one iota for not being able to meet all her needs. She is an adult and only toddler/young children live in a reality that all their needs must be met or else. As an adult you learn to deal with unmet needs, not having instant gratification, and going without. Moderation is part of life. Self-control is a part of life and a must if you are truly Christian. It is a requirement of God to have that protection (self control/restraint from passions and appetites) for our bodies to be the temple for the Holy Spirit. (That might make it easier for your step-son to understand) Self-indulgence robs everyone of the sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.

It is good that you acknowledge your weaknesses, but you are in a M and communication goes both ways. She was just as equally responsible to tell you she had unmet needs. Of course it also depends upon whether or not he unmet needs were even normal. My husband had unmet needs, but his neediness was not normal or healthy. A healthy person should not crumble if they are not getting undivided attention and other things all the time. A healthy person can take a tough time and still stand tall without breaking down over a lack of attention. I am talking about unrealistic needs here, not the normal drifting apart stuff that both parties tend to do over time. Is your wife a drama queen and usually always the one that is never in the wrong? Always needs to be the center of attention?

I also wonder just what your wife told the OM about your relationship. He seems to paint you as abusive. I know that is something I would have a lot of difficulty in turning the other cheek about.

Praying for you and your wife this evening and that she sees the light and makes the right choice this weekend.