SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a bit late to this . . . I agree with others who say it's probably best not to reply to OM. However, should the urge be too strong, perhaps something along the lines of:

"After reading your message carefully, several times, I realize that you and I worship different Gods. My God is a loving, compassionate parent (or whatever), but is one who can not abide hypocrisy, and will reject anyone who would commit adultery, play a role in the destruction of a family, and cause such horrible pain to another.

Now, in your case . . . Well . . . next time you unzip your pants to take a whiz, say 'hello' to your God for me."

Sorry, I guess you shouldn't ever say that . . . but it's tempting . . .

so is she going to go on the trip ? If so, when ?

We talked about it some more tonight. She's adamant, she's going down there Saturday night to "break up on her terms."

I waited for her to fall soundly sleep (amazing how easy that is for her.) I ran up to Wal-Mart. Just bought another VAR.

I'm debating whether to plant it in her car or to get creative/risky and find a way to plant it in her bag.

I'm thinking the safest option is the car. But, I'd love to hear their conversations in the POSOM's house.

Don't worry, y'all. I don't for a second believe she's breaking anything off. I'm not stupid.

Just getting more evidence for Shock and Awe.

Does your wife openly admit she is having sex with other man on their weekends together?

I believe your wife genuinely does (and in the past claims also) plan to end the affair. This is not uncommon, her wanting "one last night" together to make this "perfect memory" to "last forever" as "closure." Like they are star-crossed lovers, "I love you but world's circumstances prevent us from being together and I must do the right thing." I have never seen "closure" ever end an affair. It usually ends about a day or two, then the one trying to end it finds a justification, some reason, that just needs to re-contact. Then that she needs to meet up. Then to have sex for one more for "closure" (again).

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:13 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I know it is SOOO hard, but you need to let her now just walk out the door. Don't say anything else, don't remind her of any terms you gave her earlier, she knows she just does not want to do anything you have asked.

Have you found out for sure regarding your lease what it would be to break the lease early? You never know, they might have a waiting list of people who want the apartment? I know a lease can be hard to break but worth a shot just to ask.

And find friends or family to be with this weekend, try to stay busy and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by realitybites at 5:47 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I wouldn't put the VAR anywhere. If discovered, she might file criminal charges. If she goes, you don't need any more proof.

Please, be careful...

((UnlovedAndBroked))

I'm so sorry that you WW is throwing your gift of R it in your face. I agree with an earlier post that she is the problem but... something is just not right with this guy.

I agree that this is not his first rodeo and my guess is that his regular hunting ground is meeting women at church and or bringing new women to church. I would be interested to know what his pastor says. Why don't you talk to your SUPER SMART Pastor again, (love that he suggested you out them at work) bring his text and get his opinion? I know others are not going to like this because you need to move on and the focus should be on you and ending things with WW. Still it might provide some closure for you.

It's not VAR time. If additional information was needed it would be a PI.

However I think that you don't need one. R is ultimately about trust and respect. She's "breaking up" with him in person out of respect to him. You break up in person to make it easier on the person being broken up with. So if you take her for her word (yeah, I know) she's choosing to make it (slightly) easier on her boyfriend who she just got caught cheating with than her own husband who will not take this easily at all.

U&B,

I would not put a VAR in her bag, if she finds it, it will make things more difficult for you. As far as her falling asleep so easy with not a worry in the world, or a feeling of remorse or zero empathy for you, shows that she is mentally ill - she probably has a narcissistic personality disorder. They are known to usually prey on people pleasers, like you and me, but once they are done with us or feel that the smallest thing caused you to betray them, or go against them, they spit you out, like a POS, and are repulsed by you. You were her pawn, once she could no longer control you, she looks for her next victim. My wife would sing in the shower before meeting with her lover, while I was practically dying a slow death. There is no way someone like that is mentally sane. Sounds like you are doing okay under the circumstances. Keep up the good work. You deserve better, as I said before, her loss.

Hang tough with the plan U&B. If she walks out that door, it's over.

She cares FAR more for his feelings and her own than yours.

I don't think you need th VAR either. You already know what she's doing. And she doesn't give a fuck that you know.

Stick to the plan. Move out yourself. Fuck the financial aspect, sort it out later.

Sorry, but your wife is gone, and I don't think she's coming back. She doesn't want to end it with him, and he will ALWAYS a be in her mind.

U&B

We had a user on here a few years ago that put a pen var in his wife's handbag as she left for work.

He already knew about the EA possibly PA with one of her bosses in Europe.

But the pen var also tipped him off to to two other EA's with old college chums as well as a long term PA going on locally with another man he knew.

He never came back after the exposure of the affair but the pen var paid off.

On another note if she decides to go I would do one other thing.

Force her take her son with her. I know this is a hard concept to grasp but legally he is her son.

He is a minor.

He belongs with his Mom. Especially if you two split up.

No longer be her support. By being there for him you are enabling her affair.

Let's see how the OM likes playing Daddy.

Will your stepson like it. Hell no. Tell him to suck it up and take the ride if his mom still goes to the OM.

That is how you put a kink in her plans.

You tell her to take responsibility for "her" kid.

Show her just what her life will really look like without you in it.

Sometimes you have to be an ahole to make a point.

Now is one of those times.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 7:55 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I disagree with Happyman, I don't think you should do anything to jeopardize your relationship with your son. Even though you're not legally his father, you're the only father he truly has. Please, treat him as he were your biological son.

Best wishes

Are you able to minimize your interactions with her?

Respond to her manipulative & transparently childish probes with neutral pseudo-affirmations? (like, "Hmmm...I need to think about that"...etc.)

I can't shake the suspicion you're being set up...

Think about protecting yourself, mainly, by reducing your exposure - stop giving her access to your thoughts and plans...

In short, stop trying to explain things to her. Stop warning her.

sending a pm

Stop interacting with her. My suggestion, STRONG suggestion, don't even stay around home during the day. Only sleep there. Get up and out of the house, go play golf, jog, gym, go to a bookstore or a library, go visit with friends and family, go shopping, buy some new clothes, get a nice new haircut, change your style, spiffy yourself up, AND DON'T EVEN BE AROUND HER. Any responses by messages stick to standard line: "I will not discuss until the affair is ended and YOU CAN SHOW ME."

She will come back home Sunday night and tell you the affair is over, then she will call him to see if other man is OK (she will be wondering if other man still misses her, it really, really NEEDS for other man to miss her), then other man will tell your wife he misses her terribly, he is all broken up over it, then on Memorial Day weekend she will stay away from other man because he will have other plans, then the following weekend after she will find some excuse to be back to see him again, she will tell you he is upset, he is down in the dumps, he hurt his ankle and can't walk well, his cousin found out he has cancer and he is upset, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. This is the type of cheater your wife is. The affair will eventually end, it will end much sooner if she goes to live with him full time rather than only weekends.

By the way, you can go on the wayward forum here, you can read all of the different scripts for cheating, there are only a half-dozen or so different scripts, and even those different scripts have the same many common elements in every script. There are other forums in the internet where cheaters are less repentant than the wayward forum here, if you haven't seen these types of things, I suggest you look a little around, it is quite an eye-opening to a person like yourself who is a straight-forward, honest, moral, truthful, loyal spouse.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 8:31 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Hey UAB, I imagine you had a rough night. Especially considering you were up at 4:30 posting. I hope you managed to get some sleep after making those posts. Even if it was only a couple hours.

I could give you some advice on what you should do but really, it's up to you and making these life changing decisions aren't easy. So instead I'll just share a few stories from my own experience. Your story isn't all that different from mine. Really it's not all that different from others, I'd imagine, but those are their stories.

My WW 'ended' things with her POSOM four times. She actually did intend to end things with him each time. She was just never able to stick to it. I hadn't found this site before any of those 'break ups', so I knew what I was looking for but didn't realize the mind games that were going on in the background. So I never had anyone who already lived it, help me and provide advice to what was really going on.

First time she ended it: I was naive enough to believe the initial shock of me discovering the affair was enough for her to end it. My WW sent POSOM a text message to end it. I asked for her to do it in a text, so I could confirm she did. Naturally, he replied back and was upset that she did it in a text. I didn't give a shit about him, so I didn't think anything of it. I figured she would text him back to explain herself, but she promised me she wouldn't. I foolishly believed she wouldn't. I really wants to believe her. 2 weeks later, she was back at his house. It took me a month and a half to realize she was still pursuing him.

Second time she ended it: We agreed she would call him on speakerphone, so I could hear what was said. I promised not to say anything, out of respect to her (someone in this whole fucking mess needed to show some respect, I thought). From what I can tell, things ended for about a month. My WW never got him out of her head and the affair went deep underground. It took me many months to find out they were still talking with each other, though seeing each other didn't happen until months later.

Third time she ended it: I had kicked her out of the house. We were separated and of course she ran to him almost instantly. After a few months of us being separated and she was seeing and IC we decided to give 'us' another shot. She had gone to his place *one last time, to end things in person*. I truly believe she did end it with him and had every intention to end it with. 3 months later, giving us another shot, wasn't working so well. At least it wasn't on her end. She started contact with him again. It was a couple months after that, that I finally realized they were seeing each other again.

There is a fourth time that it ended. This time it was him that did it. That one lasted about a month. By then it didn't matter, I had finally realized it was never going to end.

She told me over and over again that she was ending it. I do believe had intended to. Here's where action over words is so important though. Sure she said she would, she even did, she just never stuck to it. I chose to believe her. Because I wanted to believe her. Despite having my doubts I did believe her. Over and over again for over 2 years.

It's your life bud. You are free to proceed how you'd like. Personally, I wouldn't put the VAR anywhere but in your own pocket. If she leaves tonight, stick to your word. Throw her out and see that lawyer on Monday. Change the locks, unplug the garage door opener. She has a choice, end it on your terms, the way you want her to or face the consequences. You've already told her the consequences.

[This message edited by LonelyLucas at 8:31 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Good advice from LonelyLucas, and his wife type of cheater wife is the same type as your cheater wife. LonelyLucas can probably teach you more than anyone.

I like what Happyman had to say. The pen var is a great choice though you probably can't find one in time. The question is if you want to know the truth at the risk of getting caught and Texas is a one party consent state so there is a risk but the real question is who the hell cares if your marriage is on the line.

I made it clear yesterday that I think her betrayal is brazen and disgusting and it is over between the two of you. So if she walks out that door (to go meet him and push the affair underground because I can tell you right now she's not breaking it off), then no VAR is needed because it's over anyway.

This isn't the woman you thought you knew. She is a nasty cheat and manipulative. You said you were meeting a lawyer. Did you talk to one ?

Basic strategy, she leaves tonight, it's over. Plain and simple. Reach out to your landlord and see how you can get out of the lease.

I know Happyman and Hobbes disagrees regarding the son. I understand both opinions and agree more with Happyman because he is her responsibility. He may ultimately side with her too. You need to tread carefully here. Most likely, your relationship will mature more as friends than father and son over time. She needs to stop neglecting him for the affair but you can't control that.

Do the VAR if you want. Keep in mind the legalities and risk. See that attorney, talk to that landlord and file, file, file. Bring her to her knees or chase her away but take care of yourself first

you could hire a PI too for tonight and tomorrow...

PI's are expensive, so unless you are loaded, be your own PI. Put a VAR in her car, it will bring you some closure, and let you know her next moves, so you can plan your future and get on with your life. A PI will get you a few pictures of her kissing him goodbye outside his house and church. You know she is doing that already, and worse. I would rather want to catch her saying something like "can't wait to see you in a few weeks", then you will know how to plan your moves, without any more surprises...

[This message edited by downintx at 10:47 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]