SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"all of it" was what came to mind

but i guess one thing would be now i have put my children through so much hurt by staying because i wanted them to have a father in the home

he later became addicted to drugs, i got a cps referral, i have been financially unstable for a long time moving in and out of my sister's home, then changing apartments often etc, and now the children despise him

[This message edited by wowme at 12:59 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

There is no one thing that hurt the most. Ask me on 4 different days, and I'll likely give you 4 different answers. (sigh).

That said,...how about a thread on things that bring us the most hope?

That she instantly turned against me at DDay and acted so cold and calculated towards me and our marriage and did not even consider, let alone try reconcilliation. She just abandoned our marriage for the married OM.

All the lies to our mutual families and friends hurt really bad too but I have revealed the truth to those that matter.

I believe that we could have reconciled if she would have been willing to try. It is such a shame. We had a pretty good marriage overall and I really miss that.

After all the fear, and doubts, and angry confrontations, he just didn't care...there was nothing I could do to reach him..He flirted with women in front of me..Boasted, arrogant, and looked at me like I digusted him......I couldn't believe this was the person I married..one who seemed to love me once...I just couldn't believe it.. after spending years coming to terms with his narcissism, I now know brain damage was also setting in...a little more each day... He did this at daughters college visits, daughters wedding, family vacations, anniversary dinners, etc..it seemed to be more fun, at the important events. I will never forget the look he flashed me as he acted this way...it was f"""k you b##tch. It was a very evil look....he was already gone...

1. We were both virgins when we got married. I was so happy that we could learn and explore together but then he left me behind and got all this experience. I really liked before that he couldn't compare me to anyone else.

2. I became a stay at home mom because I trusted him and made myself vulnerable to him and now it's so much harder for me to leave although I haven't decided yet if I'm going to.

That she felt no guilt about it and shared it with friends proudly that knew me and our kids.

She had read Sex at Dawn right before the affair, and Silencing of the American Wife early in our relationship, and felt after reading Sex at Dawn that humans are not meant to be monogomous and that women should be able to have as many lovers as they can want. She felt a surge of hormones in her early 40s and thought it was unfair men got to have their surge in their late teens, early 20s, before having kids, and why shouldn't women get a chance to have affairs and play when they are peaking sexually, too.

So there was a whole anthropological, feminist rationale to it that completely extinguished any sense of guilt in her. She even told me that she "knew in her bones" I had had at least two or three affairs, so it was her turn. How can you know something in your bones that never happened?????!!!! Makes me sooooo effing furious.

But rationalization is what WS do best. They can feel the guilt and hate it. It conflicts with their horniness for the AP. So they extinguish it.

I even caught an early email from the first part of the affair where he references a song about them and she says, I love the lyrics, but I don't think it's "wrong". Probably a song about how something that feels so right can be so wrong. It was clear from the context she was broadcasting that she had no sense of it being wrong at all.

I guess AP had more of a conscience that she had. She even invited him over to our house to fix something and she told me he refused to walk through, choosing instead to go around side of the house, in an effort to get me to see who respectful he was. (Vomitous, no? You can screw my wife but you won't walk through my house, what a gentlemen! Does she want me to give him a medal? How about fact that SHE had no problem with him being at our house, where my neighbors could see him and she clearly invited him to walk through. Makes me want to explode with fury!!!)

[This message edited by Aumanny99 at 10:22 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

What hurt the most? Well DDay Mid conversation.I told my WH she was nothing like me. He replied that he could train her to be exactly like me. As if I were a dog and I could also be easily replaced like a trash bag.

Knowing that he knew she loved him. ..she told me she loved him and would do anything for him and that he has always had her heart. ..

I could see it in her eyes it was true

And his text response to her when he was ending it (I never ever meant to break your heart I hope you someday believe that ) This shit plays in my head over and over again like a fucking broken record. ..

This is what kills my soul not knowing who he was or is for that matter! !

It's so hard to pick one thing - and the worst thing, but what shocked me...in all their text messages - I was "she". As in "I can't see you today, she has the car."

Actually - that specific text bothered me. OW wanted him to see her, this was 3 weeks after dday 1. Now I thought I was a hero because the van's air conditioning broke down and was going to cost $1100 to fix. We were going on vacation the next week and needed the repair - it was going to destroy our finances. I researched online and found out it was a recall issue and we could repair it free of charge. The reason I had the car that day was the van was being repaired and my daughter had a counselling appointment. Yet I was "she" - the one ruining their fun.

.... gosh - there are so many hurts....

Perhaps the one that will trigger me every year until the day I die, is that on my birthday in 2014, he was away on a business golf weekend. That night he paid for two prostitutes to come back to his room - put on some 'show' and then hand-job him.

He took photos of them - they were sooooooo wonderful.

These I found on his phone a fortnight later whilst downloading photos at night (he was passed out drunk) from his phone of our daughter's masters degree graduation ceremony earlier that day.

He spent £30 on my birthday present (which my DDs and DSs gave me on my birthday) He spent £500 on the two whores (that we didn't even have to spend).

Hurt?

Angry hurt.

Telling our then 17 yr old son who was sobbing in his room not understanding what his Dad was doing..."we are not together because I did not like having sex with you mother".

Yep. That one was cold. HIs thinking somehow that he could tell his son this about his mother.

May he rot in his soul for that one.

That he saw her on my birthday. That he so little respect for me he couldn't even think no, not tonight COW. My family is coming in to town to celebrate our birthdays. I can't be late tonight. That one hurts so bad.

What hurt the most was that the only time he had with the kids (after work) got trampled on because he was texting AP. Even though he was in touch with COW constantly during the day. Still, didn't matter. Texting her was more important

That I left at 5am on my birthday for a 13-hour solo drive to attend my dad's cancer doc visits, while WS used his quiet time at home that day to spend five and a half hours on the phone with the woman he was hoping to bed for the first time the next week.

Happy birthday!

[This message edited by risingtide at 7:02 PM, August 6th (Saturday)]

That I got sloppy seconds on my own wife without knowing. She had unprotected sex with one of the OM about 5 hours before we had sex... Revolting. And 16 hours later was blowing OM2 in an alley

Emotionally - THE LIES - so very many lies and they were told without the nearest hint of hesitation.

Physically - the STD - what a gift

There are so many things that hurt relating to the affair. The first being that I got no warning or big fight or anything that happened in the months prior to her sexting and arranging to meet her first AP on a business trip. The second thing is that after what I thought was a great family camping trip, my FWW asked DS and I to detail her car for her. We and the next day she met up with a new OMM and had sexin the backseat of her car. Yeah we made the bed for her. God that pisses me off.

How deliberately he planned it. Signing up for AFF, creating a profile narrative, emailing himself pictures off our computer to use, driving to Western Union to wire money to pay for his membership so I wouldn't see it on the credit card bill, buying a second phone and sitting in the parking lot of Verizon sexting 7 different women as soon as the phone was active. All so calculated, and a million moments to say wtf am I doing and just stop himself. It didn't even matter who he cheated with, as long as it wasn't me. God that hurt.

The lies from someone that I always thought would have my back. Wrong thinking on my part apparently.

whg

[This message edited by WarehouseGuy at 10:51 PM, August 6th (Saturday)]

That he called them "beautiful" and "gorgeous" terms he never uses on me.

That he wouldn't cut contact immediately because he didn't want to hurt their feelings which only meant he valued their feelings over mine.

That I got the cold shoulder, dirty looks, and constantly feeling I was not good enough while he was out stroking other women's egos. He was totally different with them. Lots of joking and compliments. I got middle fingers, short answers, and my intelligence questioned constantly. It's amazing that someone I loved so much and once thought the world of could make me feel so small and worthless.