SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm struggling today. I miss our old life. Our home together. Our marriage was crap. I know that. We were missing so many of the important little things. So many. And you told me you treated me awful. Yes, you did. You were not there for me. No emotional support or attention. None. But now you give it to someone else and I hate that. I know that I could ruin everything for you. I could in 2 seconds. But I don't. I don't know why. Part of me just wants to move on. Part of me just wants to fix everything. I can see so clearly now how bad things were. I do see it was soul killing for both of us. But it just makes me want to fix things, not throw them out. And I know that you haven't changed. Not one damn bit. You still lie and cheat and spend money that you just don't have on stupid shit. I should be happy not to be under your scrutiny and out of your control. But, somehow, I'm not. I just want it back. I still love you dearly. Even more than I hate you. And I should hate you more than I do. You are a horrible person. No remorse. No cares about the damage that you do to all the people around you. You only care about yourself. I need to let go and move on. I'm trying. Some day I will make it.

You fucker..i know you are going to see your whore..god i never talk like this..i hate what you have done. I hate all your lies...i hate her! You! And your god damned child!!!

Fuck you!!!!! Fuck you!!! I am worth eay fucking more!!! You egostitic basyard!!! You abondon me!!!!

I hate the way i feel every day because of your goddamned cheati g you are such a fuvking badtard!!!

Just ruin another holiday!!!! Cant i have just one fucking holiday that was screwed up with your shit!!!!!

Part 2.

You know fuck that. I am fighting! I WILL notlet you ruin my holiday. Period. It is MINE! I am going to chase you out of my mind because you are an idiot best forgotten. You WILL Not occupy any space in my head. None.

I will find a man you cherishes me for the kind loving person that i am. Period. One that holds my hand at HIS intiative, kisses me and cant wait to hold me and share laughter, supports and encourages me, believes in me and is secure in his sense of self that he has no hesitation being the man I need. And wants to share his thoughts desires and actually communicates so we can met each others needs. And solve problems together as a mutually loving couple. There are many men out there that want that too. Your loss. My gain.

I missed you today. Why did you not miss me? It's Easter. We spent the last seven together. Now we're divorced. I loved you. I loved our marriage. Why did you do this? Why aren't you even trying? Imiss us so much. You have made me a broken person. I just want to hold you and go back in time.

[This message edited by WhoIsHe at 6:13 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I hate that I still think about your sorry ass on holiday's. The picture that was framed of our first Easter together is forever burned in my brain, even though now it is in a box somewhere. I remember how happy we were to have found each other and how quickly we fell in love. Even though my D from XWH#1 took 2.5 yrs, you waited patiently and married me as soon as the ink was dry on my D decree. We were both BS's from our 1st marriages and you swore you could never hurt someone like that. I still wonder if that was really the truth or had you did it before me.

You were such a love bomber. After having no affection in my marriage to XWH#1, I guess I craved that and you saw your opportunity. I spent our whole marriage thinking how lucky we were to have found each other after our 1st marriages to WS's. I thought that until the day the OW called to inform me about your LTA with her and that you were engaged to her. At first I thought she was lying. Then she described the inside of our home to a T, told me what kind of vehicle I drove, what kind of dog I had, etc..

I could go on and on about my life from that moment until now but there is really no point in rehashing the past. I just hope that someday I can have a holiday with my SO and you never even cross my mind and the scar on my heart doesn't hurt.

Listen up, you troll-poon crazed poltroon. If you don't fucking turn in any of your financial shit for this goddamn second round of the bleeding settlement conference and it means that you spend the whole fucking three hours of donated mediation time to dither on and on about imaginary $300 items when you're 60K in consumer debt and haven't paid child support since August, despite the fact that you're out-earning me considerably, I will set your cheatin' toenails on fire with only the laser focus of my righteous eyeballs and put them out with hydrochloric acid delivered on a jackhammer, you pickled wankstain.

I know that you love the self-induced victimhood of representing yourself, but at this point, since we have a two-year-old post-nup agreement, the question is how fucked do you want to be. "Not very"...by complying with the bare minimum modicum of disclosure to actually make a settlement based on something other than the fictions concocted by the last two brain cells in your stank-hypnotized troglodyte cranium...or "acutely, fatally, and sideways by a bristly genetically-modified pineapple" thanks to your perpetual overweening self regard, you incontinent pity biscuit.

The last echo of care I have for your wellbeing mostly focuses on insulating the children from your self-destruction to the extent that they would be guilted into buying your catfood in your dotage because you've drunk your retirement away, you c***-spelunking man-whore.

I know that the only things I contact you about are monosyllabic or short declarative statements regarding the children, but if you push this thing to trial with your gawdalmighty Eeyore-level intertia and pestilential naval-gazing, I may have some words for you, you pusillanimous twat-snorfling douche weasel.

Jesus fucking Christ, I know you don't want the divorce. I know you're "going to fight" although for what I have no idea. You think my not being able to trust you again is a lazy cop out? Bro, let me talk to you about lazy fucking cop outs. "I can't quit talking to the OW immediately because that's not how I do things" is a lazy cop out. "I didn't go see the prostitute, I just planned to but I didn't" and you still can't account for the money you paid? That's a lazy fucking cop out. "It's not what it looks like, my email was hacked and I can't get a new one or change the password and it's not a dangerous or threatening thing at all" is a god damn lazy fucking cop out.

You know what's not a lazy fucking cop out? That we had DDay 1 6 months after we got married. You have literally shown me throughout our entire fuckin marriage that you are perfectly fine cheating and lying. I've caught you, multiple times, proving that to be true. Of course I can't trust you, you've given me no reason to trust you!

You've been working hard while at your parents? Yeah? Doing what? You left me with all the bills, all the responsibilities. I told you that you needed to get your shit together and cut ties with your coworker. You remember those things? You remember that I'd already asked you to leave and let you come back once? What did you do? Well, for starters you still talk to the coworker (and lie to her about me). You went to see a prostitute. You signed up on casual sex "dating" sites. You show up here and stand around vomiting from the mouth but not doing shit to prove that you want to be here and not in your office turned bedroom bachelor pad at your parents house.

I hear your claim that me not being able to trust you is a lazy fucking cop out and I raise you the fact that you're a shit person.

I loved. I loved to the bottom of my soul and you rejected and abused me.

This I know about myself, not you, but me.....

It is *I*, like selfish *me* who has learned this.....

My love is kind, my love is gentile, my love is enduring.

I give with my whole heart, never falsely,..... and when I love, It is an avalanche of love. It will come and envelope you with kindness and understanding. Full of trust and awe, respect and adoration. What a gift and treasure to give, what human being on this earth couldn't feel so greatful, so appreciative of this wonderous gift?

YOU, you couldn't, wouldn't, can't, won't. And now,..... this gift, this gift of love,....of myself? It is forever withdrawn.

This gift will be given to another, more deserving, more appreciative than you, by far.

I feel sorry for you, for your pain, your dysfunction. It has devoured you soul. All that is left is evil, vile, a nasty stench, and you wallow in it, drink it, sustain yourself on the fetid putrid bile.

I'm free now, so free....and can thank my experiance with you for teaching me what true evil is,.... what it looks like, sounds like, ......feels like. It will forever help me identify it, see it, feel it,.....and avoid it.

I miss you. I know you are trying to heal, but you have done so much damage.Why did it take you so long to realize I am amazing? Why did it take you this long to realize that the ripple affects run long and affect so many people.

Reconcilliation was possible 8 months ago. Now, I really don't know. You have kept on hurting me. Kept on thinking only of you. While I tried to heal and built my strength.

I know you will miss me. I will be the one you let get away because you were too broken. Our nephews and nieces will never put you on that pedestal again-- now you are all too human, and will experience the loneliness and heartbreak that comes from doing horrible things to good people.

I miss the old you. The kind, funny, smart, honest, adoring you. But this guy? Sad, broken, lying? No, I can do better. Even with just my cat I am better off.

Figure it out fast or I will be gone. 3000 miles and gone gone gone.

Ah crap. I called you on a Saturday night and no answer. Fuck me. I knew better.

I don't love you anymore

I have hated you - but I can honestly say that I don't hate you anymore.

I have reached that all important stage of indifference.

All I care about now is getting through with this divorce as soon and as kindly as possible.

I want my money and I want you to let me go.

And if you don't let me go - know that I'm absolutely GONE from you anyway.

You have no emotional powers over me any longer.

You - to me are just

M - E - H

Guess what, fuckwit? I win. Not only that, I didn't have to do anything because this little game you insisted on playing all by yourself showed MY daughter who you really are.

Did you really think that you could just drop in and out of her life once every 3 or 4 years, talk shit about me, and that you would have a relationship? Why? Just because you donate sperm doesn't make you her dad. All your talk about her being your "blood" doesn't mean shit when your actions have consistently shown her that she means nothing to you.

I know that you are too stupid to understand that. Which is why I don't bother trying to tell you.

BTW, asshat, I know why your sister stopped talking to you. Who the fuck do you think you are? You called your sister to tell her she can't allow her daughter to date men of color? Really? Hey, here's a fucking news flash for you: my husband is mixed-race! God I long to tell you that just to hear your head explode! I mean really, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I hope you get eaten by an alligator.

...... and whilst I might be MEH,

I lied,

I Fucking hate you too.

You low-life, prostitute-fucking scum.

So put that in your pipe a smoke it, you pathetic, shit-bipolar-alcohol-sucking, stupid turd..... and fuck off.

Ugh, fuck you. Don't message me trying to pick a fucking fight. You wanna fix the stupid gate then come fix the stupid gate. If you don't then don't and stop fucking texting me acting like you care. "You can just pay to have it fixed then." Yeah, I fucking will cuz that's what I was planning to do. Why are you even concerned about it?

You can f*cking boo-bloody-hoo as much as you like about "how you love the feeling that community has for our long-term couples...

Jenny and Mick

Diana and John

Jane and Mark

.... how the one bravely struggles on throughout the illness of the other - with the support and love of our "village", our community... the respect of all of us for them, their love, their loss......

blah-de-fuckity-blah

... You threw all that away.

Didn't you realise whilst you fucked and flirted your way throughout our whole 30+ year relationship?

Didn't you understand what the consequences would be when you lied and denied and minimised for another 2 years?

What was it that you thought would happen?

that we would sweep all this under the carpet and carry on carrying on?

You might (possibly) be remorseful now -

Now that the full realisation of what you have done has settled into your pea-brain,

but it's too late.

Far too late.

Tough shit - on both of us.

You told me you wanted to try again. We agreed but now you are acting so selfish again. And totally silent for over 24 hours on holiday weekend. I was thinking we could move to reconcile... but no. You are broken and you know you are, but you don't have the strength of character to fix this mess. Why do you keep hurting me? Why do I keep believing you? Why are you throwing away all that was so good for a serial cheating mother of two?

Good luck . Despite my best judgement I love you but that is not enough. And this may ruin me, but you are not giving me any better choices.

Hey there! I see that you're paying $800 for a tattoo. Any plans on chipping in on some of these bills I'm still paying? You know, like your cell phone and car insurance? No? Oh well, that's a pity. I hope that tattoo can help you pay those things once I forcibly remove you from them (since you won't agree to be removed).

I STILL hate your fucking guts, you ugly piece of shit. 3 years later, I would love to run you over with my car. My former friend is getting married to a NEW husband after her first blew his brains out during the same time I was Ding your stupid ass. The Widow has recovered much faster than I have. Interesting.

You will NEVER get a reply from me on that website because it would give you the satisfaction. Just know that none of what you said is true because it is either a fabrication of your own fractured mind and rewriting history OR it is your own wishful thinking that MY life has gone to shit probably the way YOURS has.

I live on my own, I have since the day I kicked you out. And let's not forget THAT part of the TRUE story. I--KICKED--YOU--OUT. If not, you would probably still be skipping along in my life and eating your cake.

Parasites need to live off of a host so OF COURSE you went and shacked up with your whore. Of course, after living with your mother during the entire gestation period of your baby in the whore. This year you're getting married? To her? HA! Good fucking luck. You're pathetic and you deserve all the shit you get shoveled after this decision.

You're so concerned with what happened to ME and MY money because you don't have it anymore to spend on your bullshit beer and toy cars.

I HATE YOU.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 7:30 PM, May 29th (Monday)]

I miss you. I don't miss you in the way that lovers do. I don't long for your touch, or even your presence. But I miss having you here to fulfill my needs. Just a text away. I miss being able to make fun of things and people with you. One of my best friends is getting married, and their love for each other makes me nauseated with jealousy. I miss you fueling my negative, deprived ego with undeserved gratification.

Two short months, and I've almost texted you on multiple occasions. Written hastily in moment of weakness, I stared at the message for minutes as my finger hovered over the "send" button.

"Hey, how are you?"

Somehow, each time, logic stopped me from crossing that line. It won, as it's never done before. My logistical mind reminded me that I don't actually care how you feel. I've hurt you enough.

I have friends who love me. I socialize now. I have family I can turn to. It's a necessity now. But I am living in a house with a man who no longer loves me. Resentment trickles out of us and seeps into the walls. My comfort zone has imploded. I have a beautiful child, and right now, I can't be who she needs me to be.

I'll be going to that wedding with her as a date. I will struggle not to cringe at their wedding vows while DD squirms in her chair. In my imagination, I'll be screaming at them. Don't you see it's all a farce? I'm telling you, the fairy tale ends. What does true love even fucking mean? In the end, we all die alone.

Getting out of bed is a struggle, and exercise hurts. You live in my mind. You make me sick. But standing on my own two feet without you or BS seems like an option now. The person I am meant to be doesn't need you.

And yet, I miss you.

[This message edited by Alisa at 10:44 PM, May 29th (Monday)]

"It feels like you're slipping away. I just don't know that this time apart has done any good towards saving our marriage."

We. Are. Getting. Divorced.

Come get your shit and just stop.