SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I went home tonight and finally stepped up or finally doing something. I sent the wife an email informing her some info. I told her to reach back out if she wanted more detail. I didn't know what would be the right amount.

I guess reading thru the forum here and reading the advice on my thread I realized I hadn't been doing much. I feel a big knot in my stomach after I hit send and I don't know why. I didn't cheat on my marriage but I feel like I did something.

Another thing I think I didn't do enough research. I went thru all over her talks with the other guy but not so much her and her friends. I think I need to do that. although I don't know if that is just opening me up for more pain and frustration.

My mood changes so much. I used to be happy go lucky guy I think but now I can get angry or sad in a switch. Like right now I had to go in the other room for private time. She asked me to come to bed I just cant. Sometimes I just don't want to be close with her yet pine for her all the same.

Gary, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Why did she say those things about your marriage? Because she needed to make up a narrative about how bad things were so she could justify her affair. It's incredibly typical unfortunately. In my relationship, I'm the betrayed and a SAHM. Believe me, my WH was never even close to being the attentive and romantic guy you describe yourself as. If anyone was neglected here it was me. But, he chose to have affairs, and also chose to tell mean false tales about me. It's not fair. There's just no way around it, it hurts. I'm sorry you are hurting.

She doesn't have time to get a job? Um, yes she does. She has the time and energy for a job if she has the time and energy for an affair. She should have gotten a job long ago if you working SO many hours was a problem for her.

She probably does love you and very much wants to stay married. But it's likely she wants to continue her affair too. It's normal for you to continue having feelings for her. You have a long and complicated history with her, you've built a life with her and her son.

I'm sure it feels awful to have people in your community know about the affair. I think if I decided to R in such a situation, I'd need to move. Moving sucks. But I suspect there's a move in your future either way.

Maybe the two of you can read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" together, and see if she's interested in *living* that book. Also read "Not Just Friends."

It's too early to tell. Maybe she's willing to give it her best try, or maybe she's not. Even if she does give it her best try, it may not be enough for you. Take care of yourself, read everything you can on here and the books above, and reach out to friends and family as needed.

thanks twostepsforward, you might be right she wants to continue the affair deep down. I can only go by what she is saying to be and the no contact I see from her to the other guy. That might change after his wife sees my email finally letting her in on what they did.

Yes living in town is hard. I am not sure who all knows and doesn't. I know certain ones do. I hate I am the one that has to feel awkward when running into them. You cannot help have a hit to your self esteem no matter what.

Its funny she lives on her computer and phone and now I have been reading thru stories here other things online about getting over cheating she doesn't like it I am online. She must have come in the other room and asked me 3x to come to bed with her. I just said im busy and probably won't be in there tonight.

Gary

You need to find out which couples knew about the affair because they are not friends of the marriage and she should not be associating with them … such are consequences for what she’s done. Also, she needs to think about getting a part-time job so you can work less. She can be there to pick up her son after school but she obviously doesn’t need to be that involved with the other stay at home moms. She had her chance but was spending her time with this stay at home dad NOT doing what she claims she wants to do this time. This is similar to them working at the same job because they will be seeing each other at meetings with the other moms. Again, there are consequences for her actions.

She also should be required to disclose the affair at least to her parents.

As everyone has said, nothing you did or didn’t do caused this affair. You could have been the worst husband on record and it wouldn’t have been a justifiable reason to have an affair. This is 100% on her and was a choice she willingly made.

I think you need to follow up with the OBS. I hope you at least told her of finding the Viagra and of your wife’s confession. The two of you need to communicate to insure that there are two sets of eyes on them so the A doesn’t restart. I would think OBS needs to have OM also get a job if she doesn’t decide to D him. Certainly at least one of them needs to get a job.

It seems that at least one other mother knew about this and was hiding it for her.

I wanted all things related to the affair out of my life. It seems you may seem similar. You bought new furniture.

I suggest she get rid of facebook. If not, at least block all of the toxic girlfriends who covered your wife and, of course, block the other man. Call the husbands of the toxic girlfriends and tell them they covered your wife, maybe some of the toxic girlfriends are all covering each other. Why else would they do it for your wife? They probably would if they were asked to? Tell the guys that they should check.

Personally I think she deserves to get a job. Number one, she complained so much that you work too much. Number two, it is obvious she has too much time on her hands, she is constantly talking with her girlfriends, and always had enough time for other man. Working comes with another problem, she can cheat at work the same she cheated with other man. If she wants to cheat, I think she will find more guys to cheat at work than at home.

You don't need the sexual details if you don't want them. There is no way you can figure out if it is true or not, though if it's really bad I can't see why she would lie about it.

Sorry you are here my man,

If you want to be the marriage cop for the rest of you're marriage then good luck with that.

You need to start thinking about you and the shit pile you have found your self buried in thanks to you're WW.

She disrespected you in the most vile way by bringing her lover into your house and fucking him in your bed. That is someone with a total fuck you mind set to their spouse.

All the while you are out working and providing & ensuring your family wants for nothing. But your WW did, and she was able to enlist the help of her friends to stab you in the back.

I know you have become close with her son but unless you are willing to go to work and wonder if your WW has found another FB to romp in your marital bed then as the one poster said you are still young enough to find someone loyal, honest & committed to her marriage vows. None of the traits your wife possesses.

I would at least see a lawyer to find out your options. You will know pretty quick if the two love birds are still in contact if he contacts your WW to whine about your exposing him to his wife. Your WW owns all of this you need to show her some consequences for her CHOICES.

Gary:

Add me to the list of people who are very sorry you are here. I would like to offer my support and insight as our stories are similar.

My DD was last July when I discovered my WW's 3+ year LTA. We have three sons and my WW was a SAHM until the youngest reached school age. She then went back to school for two years and then entered the workforce. She started out working full-time but decided the whole "work" thing was just so time consuming and taxing that she would be happier dropping back to part-time. She mentioned a better "work-life balance" and being able to cook more meals at home, clean and be a better Mom. In the mean time I continued to work 50ish hours per week plus coached my son's sports teams and assisted with their scouting activities.

What I found out was a better "work-life balance" meant more time for HER. She started using Facebook to make new friends and started getting out of the house to cycle (mostly). The house wasn't any cleaner and I didn't notice much in the way of increased cooking. If fact, it started sliding backwards to the point cycling and time with friends was the number one focus while I continued to work plus picked up all the slack at home.

I give you this background because your wife sounds like she has similar traits to my WW. Those traits are mainly selfishness and immaturity. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how special I tried to make our times together, it was never enough. I too saw emails to OM denigrating something nice I tried to do for her and it really hurts. It's simply revisionist history and a childish sympathy play from a very spoiled and needy person.

Do not underestimate the impact of her friends either. My WW found a new group of friends that were just as selfish, spoiled and immature as she was. If you have that correspondence I would review it for more insight. The level of immaturity I read from mid to late 40 year old women was stunning.

I dug more and found other internet sexting mixed in with my WW's LTA. I suggest you dig some more as well to make sure you understand the full picture. A VAR and/or GPS in her car would be helpful.

As of this writing, my WW is still very selfish and immature. She moved into her own apartment and sends messages every now and then that life is hard. I bet. My last piece of advice would be to really really think about what you want and need in this relationship. If she simply sees you as an easy life, a paycheck and Plan B, that's not a marriage.

Please don't lose sight of the fact this mess is her doing. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your stepson. Continue to nurture and support him. Whatever happens trust me that he knows who he can count on and it's you.

I wish you the best.

wow daybyday99 your story really hit hard. It is almost like I read my own life actually. Sounds like you are separated is that right? Did you give staying together a try? This is what I wrestle with. In my heart I want it to work but in my mind its harder and harder to get there. I go from going to forgive and turn around get angry and upset.

I feel like roommates right now. Put on a good front for her son and she is putting on a good face of trying or seeming we are working it out. But appearance has always been important to her.

I have not heard back from the wife yet. I have kept all the evidence I have found in case she needs that. I think what will sting for her first as it did for me after the thought of them having sex is how much they conversed. It would start from 830am to 6pm on some days. All day of back and forth.

There is a function at the school coming up she is on a committee for. I told her I don't want her doing it this year as I don't want her around some of the people there. She originally pushed back and gave me all the reasons in the world she needed to be there that its out in the open what could happen. I know it might seem dumb but I don't know what could happen.

Welcome to the roller coaster from hell. Believe me, we all understand the emotional ups and downs following discovery. Stay strong.

You very, very early on in this process. No matter what she is telling you right now you need to protect yourself. You truly do not know who she is yet. It is possible that your wife could pull her head out of her ass and return fully to the marriage. It will then be your decision as to whether or not to reconcile. But THAT option is not only a long road, it will not be something you can determine anytime soon.

Look at my profile and you can see how a successful reconciliation occurs. But remember, it's not for the faint of heart. What you will see is that it takes months, and often years, to rebuild any level of trust in a marriage affected by infidelity. It doesn't matter that your wife starts telling you how much she understands, how much she "gets it," and that she loves you and only you. There's a lot more digging on the road to reconciliation - and, believe me, you haven't even hit the anger part yet. Just wait until the F-Bombs start flying... you'll quickly see whether or not she's in for the long haul.

As far as a school function? Sorry, sweetheart. A lot of things will be changing and this is just one of them. You shouldn't feel "dumb" or bad in any way for setting down boundaries. Clearly, she has no boundaries. As a result, like a child, you need to set them for her.

Again, she may feel like you're being controlling. Yup - you are. Because she has proven that in order for your marriage to be safe you MUST be the one calling the shots. She hasn't earned that privilege yet.

Hang in there, brother. Be strong.

Gary:

Your story hit me hard as well as I feel I lived a part of your life. In all honesty you don't have to look too hard on this website to find there are quite a few of us in the same boat more or less.

Regarding separation, yes we are. We are actually in the final stages of our divorce. All we are waiting for is sign off from the judge.

Did we give staying together a try? When I first discovered the affair, that was my only goal. Did I cry and do the "pick me" dance? Was I stunned and trying to figure out how the hell my entire world just blew up in my face? Did I question if my entire marriage to this person was one big fat lie? Yes to all of that and more.

In my case, WW was shocked at being caught. I had a ton of evidence (emails, phone records, pictures). Here is the crazy thing. I would bring up some specific betrayal incident. She would flat out lie to my face. I mean look me in the eye and lie. I would finally present hard evidence. She would then finally admit the truth when there was no way of avoiding that specific fact but she would then try to minimize it and say "that's it". It was like peeling a stinking rotten onion. Each new layer smelled worse than the last one. In answering my questions she would inadvertently admit to other things. This would lead me down a rabbit hole of insanity. It's exhausting and you wind up with several conclusions:

1) Just where the hell is the bottom of this cesspool?

2) Who exactly is this alien being I married?

3) I may never ever know just how bad this situation is because all trust is gone.

After a few weeks of doing this dance (including time with a therapist), WW announces we need to separate. To this day I don't know where I found the strength but I said if you quit on this marriage and move out, I want a divorce. She signed the apartment lease, I filed for divorce. I later discovered through a var and gps that the affair was still going strong. She was working on the OM to leave his wife now that her bridges were burned.

Some time after Thanksgiving she decided we needed to give MC another shot. I removed the tracking devices but my guess is there was no way in hell he was going to leave his wife. I don't know why but I went to one meeting. In that meeting she was describing how hard her life had become and how money was tight. I had educated myself enough to recognize all the regret with none of the required remorse. I somehow found the inner self esteem to say screw it, I'm not going to be Plan B. I'd rather be alone than continue with this abuse from someone who pledged to love and support me for life. From that point forward I've pretty much gone NC unless it involves the proceedings or the boys.

Am I doing the right thing? I ask myself that question every single darn day. Since she moved out I really don't know what she is up to and I don't really feel the need to check.

The motto here is "Whatever you have to do, get yourself out of infidelity." I guess I feel the path I'm taking is my best bet to do that. Now the tough part is where does a 50 year old Dad of three outstanding sons go from here? For now I've decided to focus on the kids and make sure this whole damn mess has as little of an impact on them as humanly possible. They in no way deserve the shit sandwich their Mom decided to serve our family.

Sorry for rambling but that's my story.

DaybyDay that is tough I am sorry you went thru that. I am sure you are going to end up happy and have a great time with your kids. It stinks you were willing to give it a shot only to be let down again.

LifeisCrazy thanks for leading me to your profile. That was helpful to read and take notice of.

I am glad to read thru here and listen to what people are saying. Its good to get all perspectives I think. I have not talked to our friends about it cause I don't know who knows and doesn't and at this point I already feel like a village idiot so don't want to add talking bout it if they knew.

I have to some of my friends that I have before I was married. Being my friends they want me to leave her now, you cant come back from this and so on. But some of them didn't like her before this so I don't know how much that plays into it too. So comeing on here helps get a unbiased opinion and ideas.

I still have not heard back from the wife. I hope she just hasn't had a chance or something. I don't think she has said anything as I have not seen or heard there was. My wife has not lead on it has been told. She just has been texting that she wishes I would come to bed with her at night and wants her parents to take her son and we can do stuff just the two of us. What once would have made me leap out of my seat to do now gives me pause. From what I read that will happen.

[This message edited by Gary1995 at 11:56 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Hang in there, Gary. The crazy up and down emotional issues (roller coaster) of just finding out are hard, but that part eventually subsides.

You seem like you have a good perspective about what is going on in your life and marriage.

You said your wife has aligned herself with other SAHMs in the area in the school your son goes to and having a part time job would interfere with that. Excuse me, but I'm going to call bull. She had an affair during that time. Trust me, as a SAHM on and off for many more years than you have been alive, she has enough time to get a part time job. She may not want to, but that should be a part of your reconciliation plan for sure.

I wanted her to get out of mommy mode you can say at times. I know raising a kid is hard but to once in awhile get out of the sweats or little effort. Even at night maybe change it up like she used to. It didn’t prevent me from still wanting sex and initiating like always but I just wanted to see a little more effort you know.

Gary1995

She risks everything to have sex with the OM and will not get out of her sweats for you?

She just has been texting that she wishes I would come to bed with her at night and wants her parents to take her son and we can do stuff just the two of us. What once would have made me leap out of my seat to do now gives me pause. From what I read that will happen.

Gary1995

In a way your wife is a prostitute. She wants to sex you up so that you will “leap out of your seat” to do things for her again. You treated her like a princess and were so eager that she took it for granted. As soon as she gets comfortable again the sweats will reappear.

She just has been texting that she wishes I would come to bed with her at night and wants her parents to take her son and we can do stuff just the two of us. What once would have made me leap out of my seat to do now gives me pause. From what I read that will happen.

This is for sex - the most powerful manipulator that a woman has over a man. Having sex with her is to begin the road to rug-sweeping and false forgiveness. It eventually leads to self-loathing and resentment & contempt toward her. Then you divorce after many months or years of being unhappily married.

You have to make the initial decision of stay or go without her constant attempts to manipulate and gas-light you. Stay completely away from her at home. Do not talk or text with her for anything but logistical stuff for the kids or the lawyers. Talk to a counselor and read up on recovery from infidelity. In short, make an informed decision about whether you want to give her another chance or end the marriage and start fresh.

Yeah, Gary. I have to agree with Plan C and Notanotherchance and some of the others here.

You got two jobs to support her and her son. She stayed at home and rewarded you for your hard work by fucking another man in your bed and lying about it and having a bunch of friends covering it up. Then she lies about you as you do most of the work at home and even get date nights going but she calls you neglectful ??? You leave and she begs you back because she lost her stability and you want to reconcile and you go back ?

I agree with

1) See an attorney immediately

2) STD her and you

3) If the 8 year old is hurt, it's Mom's fault

4) If you stay together, she gets a job pronto

5) You did well in informing the other betrayed spouse

6) At 41, you can leave this marriage with your financial ass intact and with someone who will truly appreciate you.

Who's house is this ?

You got screwed over really hard and I feel very badly for you. You need to get a gameplan and fast.

Gary, great advice so far. Couple of other thoughts:

Have you confronted the OM? Looked him in the eye and let him know what a sniveling little piece of shit he is? It can be very cathartic. Yes, it is all on your wife, but that piece of shit broke the bro code, and deserves to be confronted and outed as a snake.

Keep working to ensure the OBS knows

Tossl all of the people who knew and didn't say anything to the curb. I would confront that friend who turned white when you asked, and let her know just where her silence has led you.

Burn the bedroom furniture they used. Feels good.

Keep gaining absolute control over your own life. Set your standards for what you need to heal. Hold to them. If she can't meet them, then she is not the woman for you.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:44 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

and she has no reason to push back on her getting a job or going to school functions. She blew this, not you. And further, be very wary. She's trying to rugsweep the affair by wooing you back into bed and getting you interested in trips etc...

She's lucky you haven't slapped her with papers yet

Has the biological father ever paid child support? If you divorce her then no child support from you.

Yet another reason to sex you up is to get pregnant.

You're such a nice guy that if she gets pregnant you will stay with her no matter what she does.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 2:40 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Everyone has provided excellent advice to you, but I wanted to note one thing: If your WW does not get IC and willingly get the help to fix what is broken in her, going back to work is not the answer – affairs happen at work as well. Can you imagine the scenario: “My H made me go back to work” Enter Mr. Save the Damsel in Distress to “comfort” her during such a difficult transition. Be careful, Gary. I’m not saying she should not return to work…she should…but not without help (IC) that she seeks willingly.

Gary,

So sorry you are part of this club.

You've already gotten some very good advice. DO NOT UNDER-REACT. You've been thrown the most cruel and ill-deserved punishment imagineable, and by the person sworn to protect you. As painful as this is, be patient. Do not forgive prematurely, do not settle for anything short of an exhaustive commitment on her part to do the arduous work of reconciliation.

You and she should read the on-line pdf "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It provides a sobering (for her) account of the destruction caused by cheaters and gives a detailed account of what cheaters must do if they truly want to reconcile with their spouses.

to repeat what others have said, HER CHEATING IS 100% HER FAULT and is not justifiable by any difficulties she may have had, or imagined, in your marriage.

I tried for a year to reconcile with my Wayward Wife. It was difficult and ultimately, she was unable to break free of the selfish, cruel, narcissistic mindset that fueled her infidelity in the first place. While I was tough on her, my only regret is that I wasn't tougher. I should have filed for divorce immediately, if for no other reason than to give her a cold slap in the face of reality. After the year, when she went into a horrifically cruel tirade against me, I told her I was done and she was in disbelief for quite a while, thinking such a thing was not possible.

Why isn't SHE sleeping on the couch?

Good luck and keep relying on this board for support.

Strength.