SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jduff, wow thanks for taking the time and posting that. It was powerful and sobering to read. A lot to sink in to be honest. I will be re reading that again. I can say you guys have been great with advice I cant say I have not been given the info to move forward no matter what I do. I consider myself a decent wit person but being on here I am thinking I let myself be taken advantage of. Sad thing is she didn't cheat it would have stayed that way for her.

Katrina I hear you. I will be at work and say ok tonight is the night I want to allow myself to make it work and when I get home and see her or read more stuff I get upset and angry all over again and cant even stay in the same room as her.

Your wife is a leech and is exploiting you. She does not work and uses the spare time to cheat and the bad mouths you.

You should look into separating with her and sharing custody of the son. She is not a good person and she is taking advantage of you. She will go back to her old patterns once the guilt goes away.

Thanks kimichi for the response. I am afraid from reading thru here and listening to others that is what is what seems to be the majority say. I guess I wanted to think I can get past it and have the marriage I had before. Maybe I was wishful thinking or just blind.

The old marriage is dead. She killed it when she cheated.

That doesn't mean, it can't be rebuilt, if she finds remorse.

How are you doing today,Gary?

Im doing ok confused thanks for asking. I run the gauntlet of emotions with it. I want to think that I can get past it and we can make it work. But I follow that up with feeling of disrespect, mad, and disgust that I go the complete opposite you know?

I know on its face I got screwed over and its the ultimate betrayal a spouse can do to the other. Yet I cant just pretend that I don't love her at the same time and her son. Its hard to shut those feelings totally off.

Right now we are like 2 strangers that are roomates under one roof. She doesn't want that but I do as I need my head clear.

The old marriage is dead. She killed it when she cheated.

That doesn't mean, it can't be rebuilt, if she finds remorse.

I agree with this completely. But at this time, your wife is acting like she has no clue at all of what she did as very wrong. She thinks you can just go out to dinner with everyone and everything will be just like it was.

She has got to understand that it will never ever be like it was before. Some marriages are better after an affair, but those marriages get better only when the WS completely understand the hell they have caused and they completely understand how to act after the affair.

As long as your wife continues to act as if it was no big deal, there will be growing resentment with you.

As she read any of the books that have been mentioned here...Not Just Friends and How to help your spouse heal from the affair?

Craig, I told her there was stuff online and some books to realize what I am feeling and what she did. I don't know if she has or not.

She mostly texts and tells me she is sorry, she made the biggest mistake of her life, shes loves me that please forgive, she will do anything and so forth.

She tells me its hard for her to prove that she is sorry and such cause I am shutting her out so that is the back and forth we have.

she will do anything

Great, but talk is cheap. Time for you to define what "anything" means. This is also called "doing the work" and it involves intense, draining, emotional, expensive effort. Below is a list of what my wife did. My wife was also a SAHM. She dedicated the first 6 months after Dday to recovery. To the extent practical, she quit social things, hobbies, etc. to "do the work."

Give your wife a list of what you want or ask her to make one. See how hard she attacks it. 2-3 months from now you will know if she is serious about reconciliation or if her talk is just bullshit.

Strength to you.

=====================

- IC 2x/week

- MC 1x/week

- Group therapy 1x/week (this is a formal program with a leader, workbooks, homework, etc. She gotten enormous value out of this program. She wouldn't be where she is today if she hadn't found this course. Message me if you want the name.)

- email chains/exchanges with group members

- Journaling

- complete transparency of all electronic devices

- reading Linda McDonald, "How to Help Your Spouse..." and putting it into action

- reading "Not Just Friends" and putting it into action

- wrote out a full timeline of the affair with as much detail as I requested

- answered all of my questions without fail and without hesitation

- informed me of any attempts the AP makes to contact her

- digging hard to understand her brokenness. Going back to FOO issues, examining her relationship with me, etc.

- digging into to her sexual dysfunction--her hardest, most difficult to address area

- working her damnedest every day to put into place the lessons she is learning. Things like understanding selfishness, how to be a giving lover, how to give and not expect something in return, how to be a better mother for our children

I have made appointments for us to get STD tested.

Why doesn't she ever do anything for you?

Talk, talk, talk. Talk is cheap. Put up or shut up.

Cancel the appointment for her. Let her do it herself.

Stop doing stuff for her about the affair.

Tell her to write a "timeline." It's like a story, dates, things she did, for the affair. When she first thought about cheating, what she thought about as she did it, all of the thought process as long as what she did. Start at the beginning and come up to the current day. Listen, when she TALKS about it, it's like diarrhea. She will need to really think about it when she writes a long exposition, and she will really see how ridiculous she has been.

Her going to dinner with her parents the other day - I found that disturbing. And very cavalier the way she talked and acted. Tell her to write it all down. Give her 24 hours. If she has to write all night, is that too much to sacrifice for you?

she will do anything

I think when you actually ask for some small things, you will find that "will do anything" is not really true. Just another lie. This is a very common cheater phrase which I think usually means, "will do anything if I feel like."

Anything?

Test her with moving and her getting a job.

Gary

Showing your WW consequences is the place to start.

Tell her to pickup the book "Not Just Friends" and read it.

Tell her she needs to get tested for std's and bring you the results. Let her know there will be no sex until that is done.

And then tell her she needs to tell her parents about her emotional/sexual affair while in front of you.

Then ask your inlaws for their support while the two of you figure this mess out.

Those are real consequences for your WW' s bad decisions.

Also tell her to speak to you face to face. Texting us for kids. It is the cowards way of communicating......

HM

Search for a burner phone and put a VAR in her Car to confirm she is not in contact with Om.

Thank you for all the reading materials given. I took some of them titles and gave them to her over the weekend.

Weekend was so so. She did tell me that the other guy tried to contact her thru a mutual friend. I guess his wife has finally made her move. She told him she is filing for divorce. She said she told the friend that she didn't want to get into it and talk to him. I guess he is flipping out and such. I checked her phone and I did not any calls or texts to him but just to the friend. I told her that I hate that I have to feel the need to check on my own as I cant just take her word for what she says.

I am somewhat frustrated I cant get a good reason from her on why. I used the mention of him getting a divorce asking did you think you would have a better life with him? She says it was never about that, she didn't love him or not love me but just got wrapped up in their correspondence. That she valued me and what I did or so she says but she fed off him telling her that she was not being paid enough attention to, that it was not good I was not around much, that she was too special to be alone so much. She said it felt good to be thought of that way.

I asked her how she could allow me to come home and lay in bed with her listening her tell me she loved me while spending the day with him. She responded with that she blocked it out that it didn't seem real. That she wants only us to be together. I read the people on here that have made it thru cheating and seems they got more concrete answers than what I am getting. Or maybe I am not being realistic on what I want.

Things just are tense in the house as she wants to go forward and I cant let the past go yet. She came in late the other night when I was sleeping and asked me to please come to bed. I noticed she came to me naked and made a move. I almost caved for a minute but told her that this cannot just be magically changed so fast that I am still hurting from her betrayal. She went off crying telling me that nothing she will do will fix it enough for me. Such a mess. I have to admit its getting harder not to have any intimacy with her as I can be mad at her and the works but I cant totally shut off my attraction and love too.

That is text book manipulation.

She comes to you naked and tries to get you to come to bed, an implied form of forgiveness.

If you do, she scores a point.

If you don't, she gets upset and lays the guilt trip on you. "You'll never let this go. I'm the victim." Again, she scores a point.

Your sitting in limbo and if you keep this up she will win the long game. If you can't let her go, she'll use that to keep you on the hook until the hurt lessens she can wear you down.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 9:46 AM, April 4th (Monday)]

Twitchy nailed it.

Things just are tense in the house as she wants to go forward and I cant let the past go yet. She came in late the other night when I was sleeping and asked me to please come to bed. I noticed she came to me naked and made a move. I almost caved for a minute but told her that this cannot just be magically changed so fast that I am still hurting from her betrayal. She went off crying telling me that nothing she will do will fix it enough for me.

Gary

Sex is power to her. Sex is what kept the OM paying attention to her. It's simple. She wants to fu@k your brains out and move past it like nothing happened. If you have tons of sex with her i.e. "making love" then how could you ever leave her?

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:11 AM, April 4th (Monday)]

Well Gary, I can tell you one problem you need to address. Your wife obviously has a girlfriend who is perfectly fine with acting asana go between for the OM to your wife.

So that means now you also have to worry that this friend either has to be Unfriended completely because if she knew about the affair and it appears she did , she should have r fused to even pass the message on unless she approved of what your wife was doing .

I'd think about how you are going to deal with having someone out there now that OM is going to be divorced and free who may continue to be willing to be go between

And I would not be totally sure your wife did not tell her now would not be a good time to talk to him again .

I guess his wife has finally made her move. She told him she is filing for divorce.

Good. OM is shitting bricks now. I suggest that you get copies of your WW's messages about one of the other toxic friends admitting to a "fling" and send it to that wayward's husband as well. It's just my suggestion as I hate to think that toxic people like these have anything to do with school functions.

I asked her how she could allow me to come home and lay in bed with her listening her tell me she loved me while spending the day with him. She responded with that she blocked it out that it didn't seem real.

That's pretty much in line with what a lot of waywards describe in how they compartmentalize the A with the M, the AP away from the BH.

Or maybe I am not being realistic on what I want.

Oh, you have every right to ask for what you need to heal. Keep demanding the truth and for your requirements to R.

She went off crying telling me that nothing she will do will fix it enough for me.

She says she would "do anything" to fix the situation. Tell her to "make like a nun" and show you the dedication required to do the work. Tell her to start reading those books we've suggested, seeking IC for her "why", show you through "actions" that she is serious about mending her ways and work to be a better person for you, her son, and mostly for herself. Tell her she didn't just "fuck up", she NUKED the marriage by her choice. She needs to own her shit IN FULL. Tell her that at the moment, she has just an "opportunity" to convince you to "rethink" staying in the marriage and that there is no guarantee that you will but she better take the chance NOW to show you she can make those healthy choices moving forward.

But Gary, at the same time you are requiring actions from her you also need to take actions to better yourself. You should also seek IC to help cope with the situation and deal with your triggers. You should also still consult with attorney (without WW knowing) to know your rights, understand the process and what that entails. You don't have to file but at least you will be well informed about that options should it come to that. I would even go so far as to have a petition drawn up they way you would want and ready to file. That action alone has given a lot of us BS's the confidence boost to put our foot down with regard to our demands and defining our boundaries. Keep up the workouts as well and look into spending some time on your interests as well to remain detached from your WW's manipulations.

We wanted kids especially me with her and we tried like heck. There was couple miscarriages and just a hard time in general getting there. It got to the point where it was very upsetting for her and understandably so that I felt best we stop for that. I felt bad seeing her go thru that ordeal.

Gary

So you gave up ever having your own biological kids because you "felt bad for her." Your parents gave up grandkids for her. She repays you with an affair and she's the victim because you will not let her patch it up with sex?

Also she says that she had the affair because you were gone all the time. You were gone on a second job to support her kid. She made a deal with his dad to not pay child support if he stayed away. So you are paying his child support. And she still cheats on you.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 11:05 AM, April 4th (Monday)]

I asked her how she could allow me to come home and lay in bed with her listening her tell me she loved me while spending the day with him. She responded with that she blocked it out that it didn't seem real.

Not that this helps you right now, but this is very common.

Many times the affair is only about the doing something wrong, doing something of their own and especially the attention. Your wife said correspondence, I think she can use a more honest phrase, which is all of the above.

Trying to understand the why is impossible most of the time, the why question rolls around and around your head and nothing makes sense.

Did your wife read these books?

She has to read them in order to understand that this is going to take a long time to get over for you, a damn long time and she has to understand that right now.

It will take at the very least 1.5 years for you to feel significantly better.

As Timetoact said, the go-between friend and any other friends OK with the back-channel way to talk to the other man, have to go.

Why she cheated?

1 she is selfish and entitled.

2 she thought you would never get caught

3 she thought if she did somehow get caught, she could manipulate you into taking her back. She has been manipulating you the entire relationship. Yes, the named stuff is manipulation to some degree. She is worried you will leave her, she thinks if she is open sexually more likely you will stay.

4 her girlfriends reinforced her affair, "YOU GO GIRL!", you deserve it and your husband is a shitburger (based in her badmouthing you constantly).

5 she is a dim bulb who is easily gullible especially when someone tells her she wants to hear. If someone praises her, she believes it, even if it is ridiculous. " They told me they think I would be a fantastic basketball player! I think I will take that up, I probably am damn good!"

6 she never wanted to leave you, she compared you to him and he wasn't marriage material, just fun-time enjoyable sex time: she needs you for money and chores, she is one of the lazier ones I've seen based on what you've posted.

7 she is entitled, I still can't get over shortly after d-day giving you attitude that the princess needed to go out for a meal, why should she cook when mom and are willing to take her out, "to heck with you if you've just been figuratively punched in the stomach! What's wrong with you?"

8 I don't think she is introspective enough to figure this out. She will focus on the superficial.

9 many times it is superficial. Go look at the "bored" thread from Puckqueen.

10 the too much badmouthing you makes her a bad candidate to reconcile. Even if she NEVER cheated, what's up with all that badmouthing?

11 Who wants a wife who is lazy, badmouths husband, cheats on husband?

12 Because of the kid and your feelings, I think you should try to reconcile and give her a chance and give yourself a chance to see if you can be OK with this. You can see that my opinion she needs a lot of work. Also, my opinion is you should be able to be nice and do good things for her, but when you do, she has shit on you? So now what, are you supposed to be a hard-ass because her normal mindset is take, take, and take some more to take advantage of you if you let her? She has a major entitlement problem and I think that is worse and harder to fix than the cheating.

All my opinion.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:34 PM, April 4th (Monday)]