SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for the insight its really making me think on things and realizing I have not done enough and need to get things in order no matter what I have done. Some responses back to those that asked in their advice and postings.

It is our house we bought when we got married. Obviously I pay the mortgage but she is on it too but to be fair her parents gave us for a wedding present to her money towards the down payment. But if we were to separate I would want to sell it, even if I kept it I wouldn't want to stay there at that point.

No the sons father does not pay child support. I will spare you the details of that situation but in the end he didn't want to be around and she didn't want him floating in and out. He moved about 6 hours anyway and if he keeps up the agreement to stay away she won't ask for child support. Her parents lawyer was involved I believe there is some official agreement. But to answer you no there is no support coming from him.

I should have burned the furniture but I sold it on craigslist. I would have probably felt better burning it you are right.

I have not spoken to the guy she cheated on with. I most likely would get arrested but at the end of the day my wife wronged me more. Yes he violated a marriage but my bond is with her. I hate drama even though I am living it but I didn't want to go down that road. But when I do ever see him I don't know how I will feel.

I agree with people here and I am doing my best to keep my distance. I have not succumbed to sleeping with her. There is so much I have to process and want to know. She claims how can she show she loves and misses me if I keep her at bay but that seems to work best for me right now.

The more I read on here the more I need to investigate more. I need to see what she talked about with the other women and so forth. How much did they know, who knew and give more details than the proof I have with my wife and the other guy.

I think I want to know all and if I think I can go forward need to know all, but I keep playing the texts and emails between them over and over in my head.

[This message edited by Gary1995 at 2:37 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Gary:

Please listen to the advice you are getting here. Do not make any decisions until you've had the benefit of time and the chance to understand what is really motivating your WW.

After I found out and my WW's affair was still going strong (underground), the following manipulation tactics were used by her:

1) Sex

2) Offers to go out for dinner/drinks

3) Think about the kids

4) Can we at least sit together at school functions (for the kids but really for her image)

5) Can we do holidays together?

6) Burner phone was purchased

7) Won't give up enabling friends (called the support network)

8) Threats to harm herself

9) Texts in middle of night saying she was lost

10) Do not tell other BS spouse. This is a private marital matter (Uh... yeah)

11) Asking if I would consider an open marriage

Many WWs will try to rug sweep with the goal of continuing things once the dust settles a little. My point is you are going to hear all kinds of crazy things before this is over. Be ready.

IMO, your wife needs serious IC to figure out why she has no boundaries before reconciliation can be seriously considered. My WW never got serious about it. I sincerely hope yours does.

Thanks DaybyDay and sorry you had that all happen to you. I need to remind myself not to make any move till I know I have clear head and what I need for me to move on.

I finally heard back from the wife yesterday late. I was worried if I would since I thought I would have right away. Apparently the email I used is not her main one and only used for her kids school and sports information. I feel better telling her as she was thankful. She said it makes her sick to her stomach but she had a feeling something was going on with him but was hoping she was wrong.

Rightfully so she is mad as she works her tail off and still does her motherly duties and he did this. She said she was having thoughts on him as he was on his phone too much and they had hardly been intimate. I told her that I found Viagra and she said that did not surprise her. She told me she would let me know if she uncovers anything that I did not find or tell her about.

As of last night my wife didn't seem to know he got busted or if she did she didn't lead on in front of me. I never heard from her about it. I got home late last night after working my other job and she was asleep. She woke up when I came home to get changed. She wanted to know if I would come to bed with her. I told her I would not and left the room.

I am confused I went from wanting to do whatever to get our marriage back on track but I feel more anger and upset as time is going on. I am not proud of myself but I went to lunch yesterday out of the office to take a break and sitting there I was having thoughts of sex with women. I know that is not right and I should not do that but it was entering my mind. I would not do that and stoop to her level but as much as I am attracted to my wife and love her when I see her the idea of being with her that way bothers me. I am blabbing I know.

ok. Good on ignoring her requests to come to bed. Bad on being in limbo. Gameplan ?

Gary, don't have sex with her, point blank. Right after I filed for D with my WH his attorney told him in most states IF the betrayed spouse has sex with the WS then it can be construed as an act of forgiveness within the courts to their cheating. So if the D comes to court then the WS's attorney will say that the act of intercourse can be seen as forgiving the other spouse of their infidelity. I haven't researched legally this yet as that's not the path I'm taking but just to give you the reason why she might be pushing you hard for the sex.

wow crazytrain I did not know that could be used in court. That is crazy. I will keep that in mind thanks.

Western, I don't know and I know that is not a good response and not good progress from me but I really don't know. I go from wanting to stay with her and her son, hoping with time I can move on to a degree, that if I divorce I am going to be regretting it down the road. I love my wife her son and to a point was happy in my marriage for the most part. On the other hand I feel so betrayed, I think I should just move on and just have a life to myself, that when I think of being with her I get repulsed by what she did with this guy to me, what I read she said about me and our marriage that I worry that will not leave my head.

I just told the other wife and that made feel better. I think her parents should know too. I think I need to change how we do things here if I stay. The group of women she socials with I need to look into. Look into a part time job. Change my actions with my wife. This has made me step back and look at what went on in our relationship. where I thought I was being a good husband maybe I was to blame for her actions to a degree. That I let her get to comfortable and entitled.

Her family would always joke that she is a spoiled princess and I know they were joking but it is not off. I didn't help there and contributed to that with her, that is on me.

I just need to stop flip flopping on if I am going to stay or not. I know to all on here that have been thru it and dealt with this I am not making the move but I can't say if I would be more happy staying or leaving.

That is correct about sex after an affair being seen as forgiveness, but it's also irrelevant. NJ is a no fault state and her affair doesn't mean anything in the event you decide to divorce.

my WH his attorney told him in most states IF the betrayed spouse has sex with the WS then it can be construed as an act of forgiveness within the courts to their cheating.

That is very odd since cheating usually has nothing to do with a divorce settlement.

Gary, your thoughts, feelings and emotions will be all over the place for a while, minute by minute.

Hold off on telling her parents. That is best used when the WW refuses to end the affair and or leaves and twists the story to the point the husband is all at fault.

If you R, of course things will have to change, mainly because you will not trust your wife for years to come...yes years. Every time she is late home, you will wonder, every time she acts odd, you will wonder.

Now that the OMs wife knows, that makes the affair continuing that much harder, but you still have to pay attention.

I thought I was being a good husband maybe I was to blame for her actions to a degree.

Nope. Not at all. Her choices and actions are 100% on her. She needs to get a job. How does that old saying go? Idle hands are the Devil's Workshop.

My WW gave me the line "Why do I have to work?" Uh, how about we have 3 kids to put through college. Parent responsibilities for the first one are about $100K so far. Maybe she should work more than part time making $10/hr? She has a Bachelors degree. Try putting it to use.

So yes, your WW needs to get a job. Why should you work yourself to death while she gets to spend her ample free time cheating?

her actions are on her. You did nothing wrong. In fact, IMO, you did everything right. You supported, pampered and did 500% compared to what she did.

I know NJ has draconian divorce laws but don't let that deter you. A good attorney, you will shake out fine.

I too would avoid the sex right now but also you need to come to a decision soon.

The affair will never leave your head, the pain may lessen over time. However, she is still and always will be unreliable because of how she used you for your work, parenting etc.. while she played with playboy Jim or whatever his name is.

You clearly deserve better and you are young enough to go out and get it.

At the very least, see an attorney and figure out what your options are. Set an agenda regarding an objective list. That social group has to be analyzed by you and problematic people need to be weeded out. I am sure some of her friends are getting it from that other guy too. She has toxic friends who enabled this and who are probably adulterers too. At the very least, work on her while seeing an attorney.

If I were you, this is definitely a dealbreaker what she did.

Her motives are to get you back as a stability factor right now. But she is broken and there are greener pastures out there. IMO

I agree with Icaughtthem. She needs to get a job. Yes some here will talk about workplace affairs but her working does two things. First, it will reduce if not eliminate any potential alimony. Secondly, it takes up some of her free hours where she has to do something other than trying to connect with other guys.

If anything else, it could put her on her feet if you decide to leave and I will be honest with you, there's nothing wrong with the fact that you have these images in your head. That's natural. What's not natural is what she did. That is pathetic.

It is a good idea to check the texting between your wife and her friends to see if they helped cover for her affair.

If so they would be considered toxic friends and if you try and R they would have to be out ofyour life.

Hi Gary. I do not know how long ago you found out, but if it has not been too long, then I would urge you not to make any long term decisions right now. You don't have to decide whether to R or D right now. Use this time to process your new reality and to watch your WW's actions. The roller coaster of emotions is completely normal.

Is she doing anything to help you deal with and process this besides saying she is sorry? Her words alone are of little value right now. They must be backed by actions. Is she doing any work on finding out why she did this. I know that is a question you've probably asked her 1,000 times. "I don't know" doesn't cut it. She has to figure out why, or else she will likely do it again in the future. IC will help her along on that journey. Is she owning the A 100%? Has she proactively done things to help you heal like get rid of any reminders of the A (clothes, underwear, gifts they exchanged), or does she only do these things when you ask her to? Is she willingly and truthfully (in your opinion) answering your questions and just generally talking about the A in a none defensive manner?

Be aware though that she may not know what to do, so I would suggest you get your hands on a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" by Linda MacDonald. It's a short book. Both of you should read that book, and then you should sit back and watch her actions. If she truly wants to stay with you for you and reconcile the M, she will do whatever it takes to help you heal. Personally though, before I gave her the book, I would tell her that nothing is guaranteed, because it seems you have not reached the point where you know exactly what you want to do, and that is perfectly fine. Just reading the book and doing what it says does not guarantee your willingness to attempt R. Her willingness or lack thereof to do the work with no guaranteed outcome will tell you all you need to know about where you really stand. Good luck.

ETA: Any of her friends that knew, aided and enabled you WW to carry out the A definitely have to go. They are no friends of the M, and therefore, if your WW wants to keep the M, she should have no problem getting rid of them. It is just an issue of priorities.

[This message edited by jigga114 at 10:36 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Wow some good insight here by you guys thank you. Some of this is stuff that seems so obvious yet I have not thought of it. I will give some responses to those that asked some questions. My wife has cried, begged for forgiveness, asked me if can love her still and wants to stay a family. But after reading thru the site I am starting to see maybe she is not doing enough. I get the impression she wants it to be forgotten and get back to us being us.

I have made appointments for us to get STD tested. I would have never thought of doing this till here but it makes sense. She at first that was crazy but I told her she is not in a position to counter. I have also reached out to a friend who got divorced to get some insight on what I should be looking for and such. I have known from others that NJ seems to be tough on divorce.

Good question someone asked if I have gotten rid of any clothing or gifts. I need to get my head out of my butt and think of these things. I don’t know what she wore with him. I know lately she stopped dressing up for me unless we were going to be seen. I do buy her lingere a lot just because so its possible. Also for her birthday I bought her a very sexy outfit at the time she had not worn for me. God help me if she wore that for him. The thing I been trying to get to is did we have sex on the same days? Its hard to pinpoint the dates you have sex with your wife but I am trying. I know from the proof I dug up when they did. I know its probably not healthy to fixate on something like this but I want to know if I was having sex with her after he did. Plus I don’t want to be too graphic in here or giving too much detail but I give my wife a lot of oral sex. The thought that I did this after a romp with him enrages me.

I am still going to dig into who she talked to and what about with the friends. I know the one knew but I want to know the others. They need to be out of our group. That is why I told her to back out of the school function as they will all be there. I say I will do it but between my emotions running on overdrive and working the late shift on my other job when I get home I am wiped.

I get the impression she wants it to be forgotten and get back to us being us.

Of course she does, anyone who did this would want it behind them as soon as possible. But you must explain to her, that for you, it is going to be a long long time before you can begin to get over it.

It will take you at least 2 years to start getting over it. I say 2 years because usually, at the 1 year mark, you will think back and it will hit you hard again.

There are so many reminders and so many triggers, it takes a long time to get over.

It cannot be put behind her until she comes up with a real reason as to how in the hell should have ever done this, not to mention the things she said to the OM.

As for the people that knew, it is obvious that one woman that turned white as a ghost knew. But remember, many people do not want to get involved in other peoples business, they feel funny about that.

So there is minding their own business and then there is helping your wife have an affair.

As for the people that knew, it is obvious that one woman that turned white as a ghost knew. But remember, many people do not want to get involved in other peoples business, they feel funny about that.

So there is minding their own business and then there is helping your wife have an affair.

Craig great point and I agree with you fully. I am not one for stupid drama and games. If someone knew and that is it I can live with that. This group is friends with both of us so i get being in a tough position. But if they made excuses, gave alibis, helped with the lies and her that is more what I am talking about.

Also yes I don't have a good reason from her. She has given me she was in a fog, looking for attention, at first she was being a friend listening to his problems and it went from there. That I can confirm. Going thru their correspondence it took awhile for her to talk to him. He just went on and on about his marriage. Soon he started asking her stuff and as she responded it went from there.

What I am still at a loss is the lying to him. But he really made himself seem like Mr. Perfect. For instance one talk with them, I worked 3 nights that week on top of my other job, Sat morning took her son and helped with coaching little league, came home and finished up redoing her powder room. I have a lot of energy but i was beat. She wanted to have her parents take her son for the night and go meet friends for drinks and dancing. Now normally i am game for this but i was like can we just for once stay in i am beat. I think its the only time I have ever turned down an outing. She told him ugh i rarely see my husband and when trying to get time with him he does everything but want to spend time with me. He was like oh you should be #1 priority and how could he let someone like you be put on the side left alone. I am so sorry he did that. Yeah working 90 hours that week, taking her son to little league, finishing up her powder room she begged for really left her high and dry.

What is in this relationship for you? It sounds entirely one-sided.

Did you actually speak to his wife, or was all of your communication through e-mail?

Confused615, It was just thru email, I told her she could call me to talk. I don't know if i will hear from her she just got all the info hit to her so she might be taking it in. But no i didn't actually speak to her.

PlanC, are you meaning now or as a whole? I love her, i love her son we feel like a family. We have had good times together doing things, spending time with each other. I am seeing now maybe I did too much. With what happened and what the responses i have gotten here plus certain friends of mine have said I do to much for her, that I make it to easy for her. At the time I didn't see it that way. At the time I just looked at it as doing things for your spouse cause you love them. I strive to be a good husband, i stive to be a good father figure for her son. But i am seeing things with different colored glasses now you could say.

Craig great point and I agree with you fully. I am not one for stupid drama and games. If someone knew and that is it I can live with that. This group is friends with both of us so i get being in a tough position. But if they made excuses, gave alibis, helped with the lies and her that is more what I am talking about.

I totally get where you are coming from here. However, personally speaking, I could not maintain a friendship with a person who knew my spouse was making me wear horns. I could not look a friend in the eye knowing that type of information and not tell him or her that their spouse is publicly making a fool of them. I would expect the same from my friends were the shoe on the other foot, but that is probably just a me issue.

The thing I been trying to get to is did we have sex on the same days?

This is a tough one to deal with. What does she say when you ask? If she did allow this to happen, that takes the disrespect she already heaped on your M to a whole new level. I'll leave it to those with more useful insight into this to comment on.

Also yes I don't have a good reason from her. She has given me she was in a fog, looking for attention, at first she was being a friend listening to his problems and it went from there.

You are right, this is typical wayward thinking, and they are not her whys. They do however represent the beginning of the road to answer that question. The key is to follow up those answers with why, like "Why was she looking for attention from another man". Then when she gives you an answer to that, ask why again. It is like peeling a rotten onion layer by layer. The real answer is deep in the core, and she needs to do the work herself to reach it. It is a process that takes time.