SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She was like well you are family and I know my daughter that gesture will go a long way with her. I know you two can work this out.

This is sad actually, that everyone continues to act as if this is your fault and that your wife is leaving you and you are the one that needs to fix it.

I find it sad that they just cannot see or understand what has really happened.

All your wife had to do was what you asked her to do. Stop talking to certain friends and read a couple of books, just read the damn books and she couldn't even do that.

That would have gone a long way.

Create a spreadsheet. Document each time you talk to your w, what was said, her demeanor, etc.

Update daily. Include texts, etc.

If it gets ugly you won't believe how helpful it will be.

Re: the Mother.

She is acting like you need to take a step towards her daughter.

Which is, of course, completely wrong.

The problem is uncovering the affair has led you to see a side of your wife than once seen cannot be unseen. I suspect neither your wife nor her family realize the damage that has caused.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:28 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]

I can see why her parents are so worried. She will be their burden again if she gets dumped one more time.

And don;t let her get away accusing you of cheating.

How long did her affair go on ?

I am not 21 anymore but at 41 still fit. She is not but i don't care. And the guy she has cheated on with me is totally opposite. I am not tooting my horn but he is not attractive or i wouldn't think. But he must be to her i guess. I confronted her about it and she denied it till I showed her the texts, emails, and the Viagra. She came clean said she is lonely and yes i do those things but he is around and there to listen all day or whenever. That when she wants to talk about something i am not there at the moment. I told her he doesn't work course he can be there 24/7. She said the Viagra is that he needs it to help as he is stressed too from doing all the work at home for his kids and household.

Looking at this part from your first post, you can tell that she is cheating with someone on her own level. A jobless loser who cannot even get it up for your wife. I mean, look at her making excuses for the Viagra.

You are far too good for her.

[This message edited by kimichi at 10:33 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]

Don't go. Stick with no contact. I would suggest you stop eve taking calls from her parents. As other have pointed out - it is ridiculous that the invitation was put in terms of you " making a gesture" to fix things.

Her parents are enablers and it is pretty clear where her sense of entitlement comes from. This will never get better.

Keep up no contact. If anything step it up a few notches. Get the divorce filed and move forward full speed ahead. The quicker you get out of this situation and cut all ties with you wayward wife, her family and her friends, the better you will feel.

She was like well you are family and I know my daughter that gesture will go a long way with her

I have to agree with the others. This statement makes it sound like you have wronged her and you need to grovel for her forgiveness. They don't seem to understand it is her that needs to be groveling for forgiveness. Kinda shows where her entitled attitude comes from.

And I also agree, that you should not stand for her spreading around that you are cheating. It appears the princess is going to become a witch in this divorce. She's not used to not getting her way, so brace up for it.

Yeah you guys are hitting that on the head with the entitlement. I get it to some degree from her folks. I mean they don't want her daughter to be getting a divorced and a single mom again at that. That is just being a parent.

And I like her folks mostly but they are all about appearences. That always turned me off when that was showing thru. When talking in general or with company. Oh so and so kid is only going to school here or so and so is just this (insert an occupation). So I can only imagine their daughter getting a divorce does shatter their world too. I used to laugh when they would knock what someone was doing when their daughter didn't work or do anything with her degree. They would say its nice in this day and age their daughter chose not to enter the work place and instead focus on raising her son the best way she can and keeping a good house in order for me. I didn't care that they were embellishing her role at home but I think back to that stuff and it fits.

Gary, please tell us that you indeed are keeping a VAR on yourself when you interact with her. Please protect yourself.

I'm so very sorry. She is not going to make this bearable in any way. Best plan is to extract yourself as quickly as possible.

NC as best you can. I understand why her parents are trying to "fix" this for her. As said above, they're enablers. If you would just "get over this *small* infidelity already, and go back to being her doormat, everything would just be hunky dory." Ugh.

You did not break your commitment to her. She broke the marriage commitment. Why can none of them seem to get that through their thick skulls?

Sending strength. Lots of it.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 11:28 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]

VAR on self.

Don't let them stay in the house pending a sale. They can disrupt the sale and destroy things like Tushnurse said

MIL & FIL are all about appearances? What a shocker; so is your WW.

Keep that VAR handy

I think you getting accused of cheating is already a foregone conclusion. She is all about public relations. It's always about image.

You will have become the neglectful, cold distant husband. Cheated on her and abandoned her. That's going to be her narrative. And she will sell it to the next guy who wants to white-knight her and save this toxic damsel in distress.

Kinda makes you wonder what really happened with the last guy.

Gary,

Posting here again to offer you encouragement.

You have a good lawyer giving you good advice.

You did great at the baseball game, staying calm and only asking her to lower her voice.

You did great with the mother-in-law's guilting you to come visit.

Great job. Keep telling these people no. It is so hard to keep your cool in these situations, so I applaud you for it.

Maybe you're just so beaten down that you're just numb to it all. But celebrate these small victories.

Each time you calmly say no, you are rejecting their manipulation with dignity. You are detaching from selfish people who care nothing about your best interests.

You're becoming a cool customer dealing with this crap.

I know you are hurting and broken, and it feels like there's nothing to celebrate, my friend. But you truly are making calm, bold, decisive steps that are taking your life to a better place.

You will get there. Remember that when a moment of weakness comes. Gary, you are the man.

^^^ I second that. Great post, lionshare.

Gary, you continue to address this with dignity. You are a stand up guy. Stay strong. You really are doing great.

Bravo, Lionshare.

Gary, I know people like your wife. Her parents loved her and taught her that she is above other people. The nickname of "princess" was a badge of honor, not a badge of entitlement. "Look at our little princess, all of the boys genuflect at her feet. She can have any man she wants.". This made her feel good, and she internalized that.

She really can't see the reality. She sees her own image. You promised to take care of her. She never mentions she promised to be faithful. She really does think it is no big deal because SHE CHOSE YOU, and she is the princess, the prize. Her parents still allow her unchecked on her attitude.

I have been with women who told me they are selfish, that is who they are, but they love me and know how to make me love them. They are selfish and I gave to love them, because that's who they are and everybody loves them that way.

Your first serious problem was that you took a paycut and had to take another job. I have been with women to tell me about their girlfriends and their GF's boyfriends "I would never be with someone like that, who doesn't make at least $$xx money, at least WK you are young and have potential. Needless to say, they didn't show thrirvtrue colors right off the bat, or I was young and too naive to see the obvious, blinded by their beauty or their desire for me, but when I figured it out, I found it repugnant. Any one of us could lose a job or take a setback or lose our health or livelihood. To look down on her parents, you must know now, that was the view looking out from her eyes, too.

I can see that she was very resentful of you making her look bad when she perceived her loss of value in the eyes of her friends.

I don't think too many people made a lot of it, but I think very few cheaters will defile the marital bed. Even most cheaters, I believe, consider the marital bed as beyond the pale. It is a sign of anger, resentment, disrespect. Then when she said other man was looking for acts to compare to yours, so he would out-own her, and in the process hold that in his head over you, and she willingly cooperated in in that game, it makes it even further disrespectful - in your house, in your bed, in acts that she helped engineer thatvyoy never got from her. It is just about too much coincidence for to just not consider the implications. And she badmouthed you about him every chance she got.

There was a lot going on before the affair even started. I couldn't see that before, but how she has continued to behave, it had become clear as crystal to me.

After the game when walking my step son over to his grandparents I went over towards my wife to just have a private conversation.

Yea unless it is urgent you should probably stay clear of her. I'd keep it to text and email going forward.

I didn't even get a chance to get a word in before she went on a tirade. And to sum up my wife's priorities it was about how much my sister was out of line and all that drama. I said I cant speak on what someone says or does. It was not me. She was like well your sister has never liked me and to demean me in a public way (of course not thinking that I have been walking around town and such with people knowing I got cheated on) and kids talk so does her son need to know anything.

She was yelling that its obvious I want to hurt her even after she has told me a million times she was sorry, she loves me, that she wanted our marriage to go forward. But its me that shut down, stopped doing anything with her to help us get past it, that I am hateful. That she is hurting too and I am cold and distant. What happened to her husband that was always there for her no matter what, there to care for her. She is convinced I am seeing someone and that is the reason I am acting like this. Than just hurling insults and such it was making a scene. After asking for her to lower her voice I just walked away and left.

Yea, she finally gets a few moments to talk to you and this is what she wastes that time on? Anger, accusations, blame. I don't think she is going to "get" that you are divorcing her until she has the papers in her hands...and even then she might think you are bluffing...Because how could someone like YOU not want someone like HER?

I believe you when you say that you never fought but... was that because you didn't want to deal with her? I'm sure everyone on here wondered why you would opt to get two jobs rather than have her work one or at least a part-time job... was it because it was easier to just keep her happy?

Doesn't really matter now. You are one of those people that are going to be much better off once you are far away from your Ex. I believe you will feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders after you are divorced...and when you are ready to date you are going to be much happier being in a relationship that is equell.

Gary-

Just dropping a note to give a fist bump and bro hugs. I know that this is tearing you apart. I am so sorry.

Keep moving ahead. Believe it or not you will emerge from this so much wiser and have so much more value in yourself. You stopped it and can move on with your dignity.

Your wife thinks abusing you back into an marriage will work ? Prove her wrong. Of course she wants to keep her charmed life. Does she value that more than she does you ? Based on what you posted . . it does sound like it. She likes you only for what you can give her. She is not interested in making someone other than herself happy. Her selfishness knows no bounds. Almost to level of NPD. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Google it.

Keep in mind once she, her circle of friends and her parents realize her current path is not working she will try to become the (fake) idealized version of the perfect wife. She will try to win you back by pretending to become everything you deserve. Keep in mind it is probably a desperate act. Do you want to be loved or tricked into believing that you are loved ?

If that happens, just be careful. Keep your distance and observe. Remorse is selfless. It motivates people to right their wrongs even though it provides them no benefit beyond that.

You are the prize. Ask yourself what has she done LATELY to earn that prize ? (Caps for emphasis not shouting). The more one works for something the more value it holds to them. She doesn't value anything because she has not had to humble herself or work hard to attain what she does have. She thinks the things she has are just given to "special," people like her.

So sorry man. Keep posting. It helps to purge the demons to group of people who understand.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 2:51 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]

Thanks for the support guys. It helps. To answer couple of things on here. I know it would be easy to make it all bad with my wife but I want to be fair. Its not that I didn't fight with her to appease her just I didn't see things worth getting all in a lather over. Maybe it was my demeanor to much but I do feel that way. We did get along. I loved the feeling of a family with her, the wife and her son all of us together. It was nice.

We got along, unlike some others I talked to and hang with, we had fun, sex life good, I didn't have much to complain about. As for me having the paycut and working the 2nd job I will be honest I look at that different today as opposed to when it happened. I gotta be fair on that. When I got with my wife and her son I knew her past with bad exes and such. I didn't want her to have to deal with that anymore. I did promise her I would always take care of them. Plus we did try for our own kids so if that did happen the plan was for her to stay home anyway. When I took that paycut I felt like a shitbag. That I let my family down. I didn't look at her that she needed to step up I did that I needed to. I wanted to always provide and not worry my wife.

So there is a ton for me to get on her about but that is not one of them. Yeah today I see it but I want you all to know what my mindset was back than.

Thanks for the support but I will tell you it does hurt. I know I did a lot for her and her actions suck but you cant help but let it impact you. Like you failed on your end of a marriage. That I will lose her son and the family I thought I would have forever. That as much as I thought I did for her she did cheat on me. So to me there is something I did wrong or lead her to that. I know I know its dumb but these are the things I think about at night.

I can completely relate with feeling obligated to her but when it comes to cheating it changes everything for me. It just sounds like she wants it her way and your to just shut up and give her what she wants. Good for you for staying strong and standing up for yourself.

C

Your WW is a Mean Girl.

Do you realize that she is emotionally abusive towards you and most likely has been for your entire relationship?

Its not that I didn't fight with her to appease her just I didn't see things worth getting all in a lather over.

My ex and I rarely fought also and I believed that was a "good" thing. I didn't see myself as "appeasing" him, either, I thought I was being a good person by adopting the "don't sweat the small stuff" motto. It took me a lot of IC and SI time to understand that it was NOT about me being compromising and a "good" partner -- those were "lies" I told myself. The real reason I didn't think things were worth getting "all in a lather over" was my psyche's way of protecting me from the emotional abuse that I'd receive if I opened my mouth. It took me a long time to see what was happening because my ex was NOT openly abusive towards me -- he didn't call me stupid or bitch, he acted very loving towards me actually. But when I would bring up a topic he didn't want to discuss, I would be told that "I had a comfortable life and nothing to complain about" or that I would never drop an issue so he would "have" to threaten me with divorce.

What I didn't realize was that I was married to an emotionally abusive person who was good at "reading" people and knew all of the right buttons to push in me that allowed him to live the life that HE wanted to live. The very first button these people employ is the Guilt button. Your WW is all.over that one. She knows that you are a man of integrity and honor and those are the qualities that she's loaded her mouth with.

You have to realize that there is no honor in allowing a person like this to take advantage of all that is good in you.

You want to stand by the promises that you made to always take care of her, etc.

But, for your own sanity and security, you can't. And that is perfectly okay. It does not make you a bad person or any less of a man. Your job is done here and what "taking care of her" means now is that you continue to act honorably throughout the divorce. Disclose all assets and divvy them up according to the law. Pay your fair share w/o a fight and walk away with your head held high.

A few pages back you named off many things that you had/hadn't done and saw those as black marks against yourself. NONE of those things were awful or terrible. Those were all minor, minor things and certainly nothing for her to get all resentful and twisted up over. You are human, not perfect.

I am still appalled at what she said to you last week. She was embarrassed. She's hanging out w/ friends on a Saturday night when you come down dressed to go to your 2nd job and she wanted to crawl under a rock. Wow. I mean, I just can't even. That is so sad.

but in our circle that is not done

Who in the world does your WW think she is? I have a "circle" of friends that includes some seriously heavy-hitters, $$$$ and status-wise. Not ONE of those people in my circle would ever make me feel embarrassed if I were in your WW's position.

It's taken me so long to write this that I don't even remember if I had a point to make. So just take me words and use them for support and encouragement.

And PS -- in my book, your sister is a rock star.

You're feelings are normal but the reality is you don't want this to be what it is.

Hence, love is blind.