SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is taking responsibility for nothing.

I don't think she knows how to. That simple, she doesn't know how to take 100% responsibility so all she knows is blaming others around her.

Hell, has she even blamed the OM for any of this?

The worse thing for her is to continue to use her friends for support, they are supporting her in the blaming of her husband for everything.

She needs to be talking to a real therapist instead of all these gossipy friends.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 11:59 AM, April 29th (Friday)]

So met with a lawyer this morning. Felt surreal I was even taking this meeting. I think I am going to stick with her. I liked her and don't want to be meeting with a bunch having to decide.

She pretty much told me what a lot of you have on here. She said I need to file now. She goes any reason you change your mind you have time but you don't want to let this linger. She said people that wait and don't act fast usually lose out in the end. So I agreed with her.

I did make a goof and I think I was warned on here but I slipped up. I got so flustered having to go over everything from the beginning it was like I was reliving it that I was just talking and not thinking. I got to the part on what I been hearing from her and stuff and she asked me how I knew this for sure and I told her I had couple VARs in place. She told me as a someone that is married I know why you have it but as an attorney I cant condone this and get rid of them now. She said try to show it another way. She wants the copies of the texts and emails I pulled when I was checking on stuff for the affair.

She told me to keep letting her text and leave vms. Document everything. She said at this point she has no idea how this could nail her later but she knows I am filing she will get her own lawyer and they will have her shut down communication with me so let her do it for now.

One thing we went back and forth on was the money I have set aside for her son. She goes again as a mother and a woman its nice but as a divorce attorney its not. She wants me to give him a share but not for all that amount. She said with my wife not working I am going to be paying her so to give up that money is not in my best interest. I don't know we are tabling that for now as I don't want to take back money for my step son that is not at fault in any of this.

On that she thinks that we will have a fight on our hands with the son. Like you all have said I don't have legal rights with him. That my wife does hold the power in this matter. She said if he was older I would have more of a chance as the judge could talk with him but she things he is too young for a judge to allow that or be swayed by that. She asked me will my wife set aside her anger and allow me to continue with her son? I didn't know how to respond. I don't know. I know this will sound stupid considering where my marriage is and going at this point but my wife and I didn't fight much. Little things here and there but not any big blowups. I have no idea how she is going to play that hand.

My preference is I want the house sold, its in a good area and homes there don't sit on the market long, I want to provide for her and her son but I don't want to be living on scraps either. I want to move out of this area. We lived here cause she wanted to be here I didn't care. But I don't want to be here now I can tell you that.

Gary,

We all knew the attorney would tell you to pull the VAR's . DO NOT DO IT. your wife has no clue and she has no money to take you to court over it. She has no leverage on that one .

You will go crazy not knowing what is going on.

Please listen to me.

On the legal stuff, listen to the attorney and tell her to play hardball. You do NOT want to be living in some dump, so uit is time to stop playing nice guy.

She did this to you, and you do not need to do any more than the law says.

She no doubt is going to threaten you with your son because that is all she can do now to try to back you down.

File the damm paperwork and get it started.

As an attorney (not a family one) I would say two things:

1. Document the living hell out of everything.

2. Do NOT commit to giving your stbxw child support. You can do that, but make sure it is not included in the settlement.

Anj just remember, until you file, she can be racking up debt, and you're going to be responsible for it because it is a marital debt. Once you file, anything she incurs is on her. (I think that is what my attorney advised me, lol)

[This message edited by mharris at 1:00 PM, April 29th (Friday)]

Please, please, please listen to the attorney and what folks here are telling you. Do not commit to and form of child support.

It is very clear you care for the kid and want to do something to help him. You will NEVER accomplish this goal. Your wife will poison him against you, use him to continue to control and emotionally blackmail you and you will NEVER get a clean break.

You are clearly an over the top nice guy and have a huge heart. You are a awesome human being! But now is time to listen to the lawyer and FOLLOW her advice.

Thanks mharris good point. I have moved some money out and into an account she doesn't have access to. Got with my HR dept to get my direct deposit changed. But she does still have credit cards. I do have a safe in the house that has some valuables plus close to 3500 cash in case there was ever an emergency or something. I didn't think on that and hope she would not just go in and take that out.

As for the bank stuff she has never handled any of that. Bills and where our money is in or tied up in she has no clue. I tried to get her to sit with me to know it but she didn't really care to. I do have in the safe a book that has all our accounts, what bills and what accounts get paid whatever. I did that so if I was to die or something drastic she would not be lost on what to do.

Odd that she keeps coming back at you for divorcing but she never says, "OK, I will read the books."

Re: other people looking at you. Truth - people don't care too much, they have their own troubles.

Re: self-esterm. She is a warped person. The quip about feeling embarrassed about a hard-working honest man cuts to the heart of her values. Her value system is essentially flawed, you just either never realized or just glossed over it. But that type of value judgement is nothing new.

Gary, I did say in a previous post to think carefully about the amount of money you are living her son, as has your lawyer.

You are a great guy with a big heart and it is admirable that you want to leave him money.

However, reduce the amount. One day you will be in another relationship/marriage and possibly have children.

Your children will need this money for their education.

The lawyer has experience and has seen cases like this before, she knows what she is talking about.

I don't know we are tabling that for now as I don't want to take back money for my step son that is not at fault in any of this.

Gary

It’s not his fault but you don’t owe him that money. He will get whatever money you wind up giving his mom anyway. Get as much money as you can back now and decide how generous you want to be in the divorce settlement latter.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 5:22 PM, April 29th (Friday)]

Listen to the advice in this thread! You're getting good advice

Son's money- nothing says you can't give it to him much (much) later! Be wise now, and big hearted later. Game is on, boss. Be making snowballs because the snowball fight is coming your way.

Gary,

I would suggest you remove the money and the book for now and put it in a safe deposit box at the bank. Your dealing with a teenager with no impulse control, very selfish. You can not prove the cash, so remove it.

I would also call the credit card companies and freeze her card now.

I truly wish she would have come through for you. I have seen women like her before, they think they can do or get what they want with no effort.

I have to say the thought crossed my mind, besides her ex who abandoned her son, how were the men in the past men to her. They wanted her to act like an adult woman? I image she will rewrite things with you as well. I am very sorry to say that.

Cancel the credit cards

Cancel the Cards

Cancel the Cards

Cancel the cards,

Oh hey you may want to consider cancelling those credit cards.

She pretty much told me what a lot of you have on here. She said I need to file now. She goes any reason you change your mind you have time but you don't want to let this linger. She said people that wait and don't act fast usually lose out in the end. So I agreed with her.

I like your lawyer. She sums up my philosophy about being the BS when there is infidelity. The worst thing you can do is nothing but sit in limbo.

File. You can always stop it. Hell, you can always remarry. I have a buddy that did that.

Of course he divorced her again for all the reasons he divorced her the first time.

You've only been married 6 years. Let her take care of herself. You have to take care of yourself. Do not cripple yourself for this short marriage that probably never was.

You need to be thinking long term. You can't take care of the whole world.

And never never never tell your WW or anyone else IRL about the VARs. Attorney, fine. NO one else.

And seriously, consider keeping one on your person in case she gets really crazy. Protect yourself and your assets.

It's hard to comprehend, but right now you are at war and she is the enemy. Don't give her any information and protect yourself from all sides.

Get the cash and book of accounts out and to a safety deposit box. Don't make any funding for her son part of your legal agreement. You can always choose to get money to him later, but do not commit to that now. She will squeeze plenty of money out of you in the D process.

Stay strong, Gary. Play hardball now. Protect your flank. Best of luck.

VAR use one with every interaction with her. She is not who you believe her to be. She is no longer the woman you married parrot. She is now a liar a cheater a blamer the manipulator and many other awful things. She is losing her free meal ticket and that is going to piss her the hell off you need to protect yourself. She is the textbook Wayward spouse that would claim a false domestic violence and attempt to make you look like the bad guy. If she can't prove it or even better yet you can prove she's lying she is now a liar a cheater I blame her a manipulator and many other awful things. She is losing her free meal ticket and that is going to piss her the hell off you need to protect yourself. She is the textbook wayward spouse that would claim a false domestic violence and attempt to make you look like the bad guy. If she can't prove it or even better yet you can prove she's lying you come out good.

Prepare for the worst hope for the best

[This message edited by tushnurse at 4:26 PM, April 29th (Friday)]

Gary, Please listen to the people who are telling you to limit the money for your son in the divorce decree. Your selfish wife will just take that money and use it for herself. Instead, set aside money yourself outside of the legal system. Keep it under your name alone. Then as the years go by you can use that money to pay directly for things that will benefit your son alone. Not your wife. You know she will use any child support for herself, not him. Do you see how this is the only way to protect your son from his mother?

Also, please close credit cards and call the credit bureaus to freeze new accounts. File as soon as possible. Get everything out of your home safe immediately, but for sure before she is served the papers. After she is served, if you feel it is necessary, then talk with her father. Be honest about why you are divorcing. If her parents do not know what really happened, they will not be able to help her learn and grow. Just don't let them influence you.

Your situation breaks my heart. You can see how much we all admire you. We are here for you however we can help.

LOL @ tushnurse! Yes, cancel the cards!