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really Gary ? You promised them that you would always take care of them but she didn't keep her end of the deal up. So you are not required to either.

Let her stew in her own shit.

You will be forever poor or barely getting by while she finds her next victim.

Let go of the chivalry mentality.

The more you wear it, the more you damage yourself in the upcoming proceedings. Let MR SAHD worry about this since he and her fucked it all up

You have advanced some since discovery but you keep falling on your own sword.

Enough is enough

and something you did wrong ?? What ???? Are you fucking kidding me ? What don't you understand ??? There is nothing you did to get her to fall on another guy's junk except her own selfishness.

Until you realize this, you are lost !!!!!

[This message edited by Western at 8:11 PM, May 2nd (Monday)]

Western, sorry obviously I frustrate you and I understand but sometimes I post just what is going on in my head not actually what I am doing for going to do.

I am not making excuses for her sleeping with another guy. Its the lowest of the low. But obviously something was going on in our marriage that lead her to throw it all away.

I am sorry but I just am not a person that believes everything is so clearly explained or that when a marriage goes bad its all 100% on one side.

I wouldn't be growing as a person if I didn't look inward to on some things. I am not blaming myself for her falling on some others guys junk just trying to look back and see could I have done anything different? Maybe I could have did this or that better? If I just say she is the devil and she should not have felt anything or should not have any complaints than I am not making myself a better man. If for some reason I ever get into another relantionship I don't want to make another mistake.

I am not lost. I know my marriage is over. I filed, I am planning on what my next steps will be to complete this process. Yes I know it seems like I don't get it. But I do and am going thru with a decision that I never thought I would have to make. Yes my wife sucks and screwed me over. She has done a lot of shitty things to me that I wont ever forget or get over. I also still love her in a way. So sometimes my posts reflect that.

Gary,

you don't frustrate me.

However, there is a difference between improving yourself and acknowledging your own deficiencies as opposed to blaming yourself and sometimes, I think you cross the line and burden yourself with guilt.

That's all I am saying and while I think you are making some positive strides, my focus right now is to get you to stop blaming yourself.

It seems like in your previous post, you are moving towards not blaming yourself and that's a good sign.

It sounds like you moved mountains and heavens for her. Give yourself some slack. Walk away and say that you did the best you could and that most women would have appreciated it.

Part of the recovery process in getting over an affair is having a positive outlook on yourself and I think you are struggling here. The marriage was good. Sometimes, affairs happen in good marriages. To me, when that occurs, the blame is completely on the side of the wayward.

Gary - I really think one way that you can better yourself moving forward is understanding why you allowed this woman to abuse you.

She is abusive, and manipulative. You need to understand what being CoD is and how to fix it within yourself.

This stuff hurts, and it's going to take a long time for your heart to feel whole again. We get that believe me. But you have to make you the priority. If you are looking to fix things so it never happens again, then you also will learn that setting limits, boundaries, and hard lines is acceptable, and that it's ok to demand the respect you deserve.

(((and strength)))

Hey Gary,

I think people are just trying to get you to see that YOU are the prize. I agree with so much of Gonnabe's post on the last page. In a relationship, you will never be perfect. You are human. But NOTHING you did was terrible, or worth destroying a marriage over. There's nothing you did "wrong" that you can avoid next time.

The flaw is within your WW. If anything was bothering her, she had a right/responsibility to communicate that to you. Introducing a third person into a marriage is never a good solution or coping mechanism. See? That's the choice she made, because there is a flaw inside of her. That is a flaw that only she can fix, not you. You cannot prevent someone else from having a similar flaw either. I know that sucks, because at some point, you realize that you do not have control. And that is true. You do not have control over her or anyone else. You only have control over your own actions and reactions (and, as Tushnurse stated above, over your boundaries and expectations.)

Infidelity blows a major hole in your self-esteem. I think the people here are all trying to get you to see your own value. They all just have different ways of making that point.

You are a good guy, Gary. You deserve better in life than you've been getting.

A couple questions for you: I don't believe you've ever said when your Dday was. You said you moved out for two weeks and then moved back in. How long ago was that? I know you are 41, but how old is your wife? I believe you've moved out again. Where are you staying? In a hotel, with a friend? What are your plans regarding your living arrangements moving forward? Is your wife continuing to send you messages? How is your NC going?

Stay strong Gary. We know you are hurting. We've all been in your shoes. But you will be OK.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 7:33 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]

Western and tushnurse, thanks for the support and telling me what I need to hear and learn. I will be doing a lot of reflecting and making some changes for me going forward. I have a lot to fix and improve on in myself. I am taking what you say and thinking on it.

StillStanding1, my wife is 36 years old. It was late August when I was told from that father at the party when something didn't add up. It was Jan 25 when I found the Viagra and knew for sure my wife was cheating. I moved out shortly after for the 2 weeks but came back. I am at a hotel currently. I wanted my step son to be in the house and stuff as this is going to be hard enough to deal with I wanted the total change to not be so drastic. My plan is to just get a small apt or something till the divorce goes thru. I am putting the house on the market soon so that hopefully can get done sooner than later. I am going to wait till the divorce is finalized so I can determine what to do and what I am working with financially.

I am not blaming myself for her falling on some others guys junk just trying to look back and see could I have done anything different?

Stop looking back, that is as bad as trying to nice her back to the marriage or nice her out of the affair.

There is nothing you could have done differently. You berate yourself for having a pay cut, you blame yourself for taking a second job. Do you realize how many people would love just one job, do you read any of the economic news. You have done just fine.

It is all your wife, she sits at home all day long bored. I believe you said she sits there and I think you said reads smut magazines or something like that.

She met this guy and the two of them are two bored people, this had nothing to do with you.

Your wife could not even read the books you asked her to read.

Look, no relationship or marriage is perfect, that's a fact. You however have no guilt or responsibility in her cheating. She was very entitled to start with, she felt everything was always about her. She told you that she was ashamed of you because you had to work two jobs to afford her a great lifestyle. Where did that attitude come from? Her rotten group of girlfriends. She was ashamed in front of them, they no doubt fueled this, and it turned to disrespect for you. So out of this disrespect, and cheered on by her girlfriends, she brings home a man and sleeps with him in your bed, and does things for him she didn't do for you.

See, there was nothing you could have done to stop that. She was influenced by rotten friends, who apparently cheat on their husbands for fun, and her own vanity. In their twisted reasoning, they used your commitment to your family to justify the affair. So you don't have to feel you let anyone down, or didn't live up to your promises.

I do agree with you however, you do need to make a few changes in your thinking for your next marriage. Make your wife pull her own weight in the marriage. No more placing your wife on a pedestal. Make sure you have open honest communication. Be proactive with who her friends are. And don't let your marriage define you, make sure you still do things you like to do and make time for yourself.

You did the best you could with what you had to work with. Take pride in the fact that you are a stand up guy who gave his family his all. This is her lose not yours. She will probably never find a better husband, but you will find a better wife. Stay strong brother.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 8:52 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]

So how long was she cheating ? Did she tell you the actual timeline ?

kimichi, I know exactly when it happened first time. 4th of July. Our area has a big block party and parade stuff. Multiple homes have parties and such. I was there for the early part but had to leave for work. That night they kissed for the first time but that was it as there were people all around. When I went back and read stuff between them I saw they "felt like teens sneaking around". But my wife in her conversations with him thought it was a one time thing and such. He ramped up the communication with her for about a month going forward and they slept together in August.

After that it was sporadic not like they met up everyday but they did talk a lot in this time. Not that it makes it better or any different but just what I can confirm.

I just am not a person that believes everything is so clearly explained or that when a marriage goes bad its all 100% on one side.

Longforgotten makes a great point. It's important to see the marriage and cheating as two separate situations. I personally believe that it's healthy to reflect on the ways you may have contributed to an unstable marriage because you are right, it's rarely all one sided. With that said, please know you are absolutely NOT responsible in any way for your WIFE'S CHOICE to cheat. There a hundred different ways to handle unhappiness in a marriage, she choose infidelity. That is 100% on her.

You really seem to take a lot of pride in financially taking care of your family. I can understand that and it is an admirable trait. Where it becomes extremely lopsided is that your wife knew that one job was not covering the household expenses and then berated you for not being home enough when you had to get a 2nd job??? Really? When she balked at your job requirement for reconciliation, does she not see that IF she worked during the day while you did, that you both could be home for dinner & evening family time? Major complaint resolved.

My thoughts while reading your thread is that she does see that, but she cares more about her free time with friends & lovers than your marriage.

I also agree with you that you don't need to scorch the earth with the in-laws or turn your back on her son. Just try to stay strong. When the in-laws start in with the "you should try" type comments, be firm and unemotional. "It is not my responsibility to rebuild what she chose to destroy. I have very minor requirements to consider reconciliation and so far she has refused."

As for the son, have you talked to him personally about what is going on? I'm not suggesting details. More general, like "Your mother and I are having trouble in our relationship and I want you to know that no matter what happens I will always care about you" type thing. If not, I would recommend that immediately. Let him know directly how important he is to you & reinforce it every time you see him. If you want to put $$ aside for him, do it. Imagine what a great gift you could give him for college. What's nice about that, is the assurance it goes straight to him that way. Where paying extra child support earlier may end up only financing mom's new single-girl lifestyle.

Gary:

I responded to you very early on in this thread and I've continued following your developments. We noted the similarities in our WWs and I'm sorry we ended up in the same place. I too spent a lot of time looking back. Too much time to be honest. I guess I still do but I'm getting better. We both had a marriage. No marriage is perfect. They all require work. You were doing your share of the work and then some. Your WW was not. Please read Logforgotten's post (below) again. It's powerful and every word is the truth.

Like you, I desperately wanted to make sense of what happened. I so miss my innocent, happy married family life. I'm not ashamed to admit I miss my xWW. But at some point you have to realize this is like a death. You didn't ask for it to happen and you can't change it. It happened and for whatever reason our WWs are not capable of changing. You have to make peace with it and move forward. Somehow and in some way. Yeah I know, easier said than done.

You are doing great. I know you don't feel like it but you are. Stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the other on this journey. I don't know where it's going but I know I can't go back. We are in the same boat. I wish you the best and I will continue to pull for you.

Logforgotten:

Look, no relationship or marriage is perfect, that's a fact. You however have no guilt or responsibility in her cheating. She was very entitled to start with, she felt everything was always about her. She told you that she was ashamed of you because you had to work two jobs to afford her a great lifestyle. Where did that attitude come from? Her rotten group of girlfriends. She was ashamed in front of them, they no doubt fueled this, and it turned to disrespect for you. So out of this disrespect, and cheered on by her girlfriends, she brings home a man and sleeps with him in your bed, and does things for him she didn't do for you.

See, there was nothing you could have done to stop that. She was influenced by rotten friends, who apparently cheat on their husbands for fun, and her own vanity. In their twisted reasoning, they used your commitment to your family to justify the affair. So you don't have to feel you let anyone down, or didn't live up to your promises.

I do agree with you however, you do need to make a few changes in your thinking for your next marriage. Make your wife pull her own weight in the marriage. No more placing your wife on a pedestal. Make sure you have open honest communication. Be proactive with who her friends are. And don't let your marriage define you, make sure you still do things you like to do and make time for yourself.

You did the best you could with what you had to work with. Take pride in the fact that you are a stand up guy who gave his family his all. This is her lose not yours. She will probably never find a better husband, but you will find a better wife. Stay strong brother.

Thanks for the nice replies again sorry I didn't respond back. Some good points and examples were made last couple days and something I am going to take with me. I think my wife will get served today according to my lawyers office. I am just trying to embrace for this.

I wanted to respond to what some have asked. Her son knows there are problems and I have not told him the details. I did tell him that some stuff between him and his mom but it has nothing to do with him. That both his mom and I love him very much and he is a good kid. Nothing that is said or done with us is about him. I don't know what she is telling him but I have talked to him about it a little.

I did talk to him last night. My wife who is still calling and texting me a lot said he wet his bed the other night cause he knows we are fighting and I am not home. Now I don't know if he did or not but of course she says its due to us and me being gone. She said I hope you are happy you are messing up two lives right now. She also says she feels depressed now and is having a hard time keeping it together so I should come home and help out and her son. She said you have not promised my mother you are coming to their house for Mothers Day. Am I that cold that I would not want to see her on her day.

Don't worry I am not listening to this. Her son concerns me but when I talked to him he seemed fine, like an normal kid his age. We talked about his game tomorrow and such and will I be there.

And I don't think she is too depressed she ordered a bunch of stuff online clothes and such I looked at her credit card.

What sucks is I don't even feel anything when she tells me this. Usually I would feel bad she said she is hurting and upset and try to help her. Now its just background noise. I know its good for me in dealing with this I just hope I am not getting numb to feelings for others. I don't know if that makes sense and I am not explaining that well.

Credit card- have you gotten off her cards? Separated the accounts

Son- you're doing great

Her note- do you see her manipulation? She thinks she is in control of you.

Keep up your 180. You're doing better than you may think.

Now its just background noise.

That is understandable considering she hasn't done a single thing you've asked her to do. And now she is laying this huge guilt trip on you.

Amazing how she can find time to shop online, but not read one of those books you asked her to.

Actions speak louder than words.

I really respect your decision to continue to go to the ball games. Baseball is a very stressful game for your kids - which is one of the reasons I think it is in decline a little. I didn't realize this myself until a guy at work years ago pointed out that maybe you have 40 or 50 people watching a game. And when the child goes up to the plate all of the attention is focused on him. So it is actually a very stressful thing.

As I went through the different levels with my son I would see kids fall off. I would ask why - and much of it had to do with the fear of striking out.

You being there at a time like this is really admirable.

It really is all about her, isn't it.

Gary - you are doing great! Stick with it. Sounds like she is starting to lay it on thick and I would expectv it to get worse once she is served and the reality of it all starts hitting her even harder.

Sadly still sound like she has the same attitude and remains unremorseful and entitled. I know you feel bad right now. But it sound like you are moving into the "indifference" stage. This is actually a very good sign. The more you let the emotional turmoil go the the better and more level headed decisions you will make. You will also start healing faster, become emotionally more well balanced and believe to or not start feeling like your "old self" again.

All of us betrayed felt awful after dday. We have all been there and KNOW what you are going through. You are getting great advice here from experienced folks.

Sticking with the very low/no contact will help you to continue to detach and make good decisions for your future happiness and well being. I would not do the mother day gathering... It will be an ambush of epic proportions. Do yourself a favor and don't get drawn into that.

Stick with it brother. You are doing great and further along that you think. Just remember... "You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Extra credit points if you can guess where the quote comes from!

Keep moving ahead.

I know you know this already. Your wife has no one to blame but herself. She was the one that made choices that is hurting everybody. I don't doubt that she is hurting too. It is hard to face the fact that she caused the majority of that pain. Some people just aren't brave enough to do that.

Kudos at looking inward to see where you can improve yourself. Never a wasted effort

The numbness is completely normal BTW. (see my username). Emotions are funny things. You can't choose what part of them you turn off sometimes. You either become in lowest of the low or you move towards numb. In a way you are shielding yourself from that pain. Again, totally normal.

I think it is also important to mourn your M. Despite why it happened it is still a very sad and painful time. Don't let that mourning interfere with what you want to do. Acknowledge it and process it none-the-less.

They don't call it a roller coaster because it is easy.

Find some safe support. IC worked well for me. Your sister is in your corner. Just saying. The people who really matter will support you without having an ulterior motive and/or end game in mind.

In laws, WW. They have that ulterior motive. Which just shows their dysfunction even further.

Sananman, you have me stumped on that quote and I usually am good on movies. I kept going back and forth on a Disney movie or something like Gladitor or something cant pinpoint it down.

Redsox13, thanks man and yeah I want to still be involved in coaching him and experiencing it with him. He loves it and I love seeing him get so much enjoy out of sports as I did. And I am not surprised you are a fan of baseball with a name like yours on here.

Well I think my living hell is just starting. Looks like my wife got officially served about a half hour ago and she went ballistic. Texts and calls galore.

Stuff like I cant believe you are going to abandon me and my son and who you said you thought of as your own. Well good luck with that. You are not a man of your word, yeah I messed up and said sorry a thousand times and I got nothing back from you...nothing. You gave up on this marriage not me and you will know that. Obviously you don't love me like you said you did and don't think I don't know you are with someone else hence you not caring about me. What kind of life do you think you will have with no house, no money, no life huh? I have a family you don't you were part of it cause I allowed it. No longer. And you think your life sucked with working 2 jobs well get used to it you will owe me big. My family knows a ton of great lawyers you are going to be screwed you asshole. You are using my mistake to move on to another woman I know it. You used me and lied to me. You promised to not hurt me like other guys and always be there for me that you were a good man. You are worse than them cause I loved you and gave you all my love and effort. You are the biggest liar and shitbag and to think I held you in a high standard. F you.

So that is what I am dealing with from the texts I am getting non stop.

BLOCK HER.

No more contact. Let your attorney know and direct her texts to her/his office.

You deserve better.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 1:52 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]