SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I like the idea of a polygraph.

Get her to write out a timeline of all sex outside your relationship. Then tell her it's time for a polygraph.

I also have a feeling there's more to her story that she's not telling you.

Take your time deciding what you want. In 6 months you will feel differently.

What do you think of the timeline and polygraph???

Might give you some clarity.

Thanks all. I'm still reading everything.

It's funny, now that I'm hearing more from people who are more optimistic or open to suggesting reconciliation, I have the urge to push back from the other side and argue that it can never be. I've been feeling pretty sad and down on the relationship recently. And yet, being with her makes me feel better! Ugh.

For those asking, I don't want to do a polygraph. A) For multiple reasons, I'm very confident that she has been telling the truth since she confessed. B) I've read a lot about polygraphs and I'm not a big believer in the tech. I understand why you'd disagree, and even why you might think I'm an idiot, but I'm really not interested in asking for a polygraph and I really don't want to argue about it here either.

What circumstances?

You mean the circumstances where you told her you want to marry her and she kept screwing the other guy? Or the circumstance where she got an incurable STD and confessed because she could not hide it?

Circumstances don't change your character.

Circumstances Reveal your character.

I think most people do this - project into their loved ones the characteristics they want them to have. I know I did. It's a necessary thing to do, I guess, in some ways. But when your projected image of a person is blown apart by their actual behavior, take note.

^^^ THIS. 100 times this.

I also believe that you project what you want to believe about her onto her. Part of your perception of who she is, is actually part of your imagination. She may also be VERY GOOD at reflecting back to you what you want to see. This is what my X did. I thought he was someone else, because I wanted him to be someone else and he knew it. I wanted him to be ethical and honest and responsible and humble, because these were qualities I found both admirable, but also necessary for someone to be with me. So he acted that way and covered up everything he did that conflicted with being a person with those values. Every lie, every sneaky thing, every ball dropped, he managed to hide from me (aside from the cheating even). When the coverup finally fell apart, it was so shocking to realize he was NOT who I thought he was.

I think you need to get away from her physically for a few months at least. Stop seeing her, stop talking to her on the phone, stop using text or emails to communicate. Tell her you are going to take a break and step away from the relationship, and if after a few months you want to renew your relationship, you will let her know. Then go dark.

Use those months to focus on YOU. Get some IC sessions under your belt and explore what happened and how you came to be so duped about who she is, and why you still have a hard time believing that her actions are indicative of WHO she is, rather than some aberration and unfortunate lapse in judgment.

She absolutely IS a woman who cheats. Present tense. Proved by past actions. Don't strip that label from her as you project her into the future.

I think you need to get away from her physically for a few months at least. Stop seeing her, stop talking to her on the phone, stop using text or emails to communicate. Tell her you are going to take a break and step away from the relationship, and if after a few months you want to renew your relationship, you will let her know. Then go dark.

I totally agree with this. . . I think you both need it. It shouldn't have to be forever. Even set a time limit. After you both have had the time to reflect on the situation. Then perhaps you will find your way back. Perhaps not just give each other the time and space to make the correct decision.

This is just a suggestion, you seem to be really struggling right now. It could help.

I think you need to get away from her physically for a few months at least. Stop seeing her, stop talking to her on the phone, stop using text or emails to communicate. Tell her you are going to take a break and step away from the relationship, and if after a few months you want to renew your relationship, you will let her know. Then go dark.

I don't think I mentioned it before, but we live together. Moving out would be tough. I don't think I want to do it unless I really feel the need for some distance (which I don't quite feel) or I'm breaking up with her for good.

You don't need our advice. You know what to do; you are just too scared to do it. You have had everybody who has suffered from infidelity tell you if somebody cheats on you and you are not married and you don't have children that you should get the hell out. They don't know you; they are just trying to tell you to save your ass while you still can.

You are heading right for a cliff that every betrayed person can see clear as day. You refuse to listen. It's like you have gone to a hundred experts in a medical field because of a dangerous condition you have discovered. They all gave you the same expert advice for a cure - excise the tumor that will almost certainly kill you. You think the treatment is going to hurt too much, and you're looking for a doctor that will tell you that all you have to do is have a good attitude and hope for the best.

I say, do whatever you want to. You know how this is going to end. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be in five years, but we all know how this story ends, and it's not pretty. Just get ready to tell yourself, "I should have listened to my gut and gotten out before I got married, had kids, and am literally stuck dealing with this crap for the rest of my life."

Even if everything is "perfect" from now on, it's not perfect. I was cheated on 8 years ago; THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE DAY IN THAT ENTIRE TIME THAT I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT BETRAYAL - NOT ONE DAY, and it has profoundly changed me for the worse as a human being. I've had relationships go poorly before, and I left them behind as I should have. I haven't given those other relationships a moment's thought.

You have a choice to be plagued forever by doubts, regret, and anxiety or to be free from that negativity and walk away. The choice from our perspective is easy; walk away. But, you seem to be destined to leap on the garbage heap of infidelity.

Just ask this forum how many people here or anybody you know who started their relationship with infidelity before marriage and ended up in blissful happiness once the cheating partner "changed their ways." Seriously, it's like cancer that is extremely treatable in its early stage. You have been given the gift of early detection, and you are ignoring the symptoms - hoping that you don't have cancer. Well, maybe you will experience a miracle, but ask the people here how many of them have experienced miracles in their lives when it comes to infidelity.

Do what you want. But, you have been given a gift that looks like a pile of shit. This gift is actually a shiny crystal ball. Trust me, somebody who showed you who she is and what she is capable of has given you the gift of a crystal ball revealing what is in your future. If you choose to accept that future anyway, it's no longer her fault - it's yours.

[This message edited by betrayed1965 at 2:23 PM, May 12th (Thursday)]

Ouch that stung Betrayed1965.....but you're right. My WH had been unfaithful to me while dating and I too thought he seemed to "get it". Thought we did the work to understand what happened and decided to give it another chance. Got married and decided this was our new slate new start. And now I'm here, married and with kids. a BW in attempts of R for a little over 2 years and I wish I can say I never thought about his past actions and betray. I wish I would have moved on. I don't regret my kids at all but I wish I would have, at least for myself, gotten out then. You know how they say when your life flashes right before you when you have a near death experience? Same effect happens when you are cheated on.....all the red flags and past actions and comments, everything flashes before your eyes and makes you really think like damn, it happened again. I should've known better. But by then you have SO MUCH more invested and now it's not just you you have to consider.

Toopol, do what you think you should do. After all sometimes the only way to really learn is to experience it yourself and take it from there. This is your life and this is your decision no matter what anyone else is saying. Follow your heart and just hope for the best. That's all we can do. Good luck

I'm also sorry you're here, infidelity of any kind is a trauma like no other, people can die from it. Broken Heart Syndrome is an actual condition & many of our members have PTSD. Saying that, please look at my join date & my tagline. I'm usually here most every day, save a break maybe once a year. Now with my older eyes & arthritic fingers, I usually only respond if I have something to add, which doesn't happen much because our members (& owners, moderators & guides) keep a historical "tone" if you will & a cumulative lessons learned that has continued over the years.

I do want to respond to you, might take me awhile (like tonight or tomorrow) but if you could answer a few questions for me. 1)Who suggested the couple's counseling & who explained the problem the two of you were having to the counselor & how was it more or less presented. 2) Can you give us an idea of your WGF's family, her growing up with them & how she described her romantic life previous to you? 3)Are either/both of you religious/go to church regularly? Thanks.

Okay, I'll be back, but here's something else to think about, maybe you've heard it before, but I thought it might fit your situation:

A very religious man was once caught in rising floodwaters. He climbed onto the roof of his house and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbour came by in a canoe and said, “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll paddle to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A short time later the police came by in a boat. “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll take you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

A little time later a rescue services helicopter hovered overhead, let down a rope ladder and said. “The waters will soon be above your house. Climb the ladder and we’ll fly you to safety.”

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

All this time the floodwaters continued to rise, until soon they reached above the roof and the religious man drowned. When he arrived at heaven he demanded an audience with God. Ushered into God’s throne room he said, “Lord, why am I here in heaven? I prayed for you to save me, I trusted you to save me from that flood.”

“Yes you did my child” replied the Lord. “And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”

Source: unknown.

You have 1 recent response for reconciliation, an additional possible, and how many advising against?

The other guy definitely still wants to be with her and (stupifyingly) still denies that he gave her herpes.

Does this mean she is still in contact with her affair partner? If so the affair has not ended. If the betrayal of your GF having sex over and over with her AP for 2 weeks, while speaking with you on the phone daily, isn't a deal breaker for you then her continued contact with him should be.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation and I'm afraid due to your kind nature you are preparing yourself for a future of torment.

I wish you the best.

I am going to excuse myself from this thread I have been following it. I believe OP is Co-Dependent or far too deep in to Denial.

OP-

I really do wish you the best but right now you are sitting in the passenger seat of a car going 100 mph straight at a wall, while the driver's seat is empty.

Rather then grab a hold of the stirring wheel and stepping on the breaks, you seem to be content sitting there.

She is in communication with other person, she has an STD, she is cheating, has been cheating, and continuing to cheat. She has not gone no contact, and your dependency on this relationship is enabling her behavior and hindering your ability to process things clearly.

You are disregarding the poly graph because deep down inside you know she will probably refuse it.

Good luck to you

1)Who suggested the couple's counseling & who explained the problem the two of you were having to the counselor & how was it more or less presented.

It's something we had briefly talked about in our better days, as in "if we're ever having serious problems, let's do counseling instead of breaking up right away". She suggested it when we were having problems a year ago. It had nothing to do with infidelity at the time. I explained the problem, and it was presented as "I was having doubts about the relationship, she felt blindsided by that fact, and now we need help to figure out how/whether to move toward marriage in a healthy way."

2) Can you give us an idea of your WGF's family, her growing up with them & how she described her romantic life previous to you?

She had a big Catholic family. Both parents worked a ton, and it sounds like a relatively stressful household, but otherwise healthy. She had had two boyfriends before me, for a little less than a year each. She also had a more ambiguous kind of friends-with-benefits relationship with a guy a year before we got together. Her last real boyfriend broke up with her totally out of the blue, which hurt her a lot, so she made me promise that we'd talk about our issues before they became unbearable.

3)Are either/both of you religious/go to church regularly?

We were both raised in mainstream religions, but both of us have lapsed in practice and belief. Part of me thinks that confession might make her feel better, though...

TooPool, the thing about cheaters - they lie and have their own agenda. It takes a lot longer than a few weeks to work out their problems.

Her story is 2 weeks of crazy sex with a bellhop guy who said he would marry her is simple enough lie to keep straight. Compared to a months long affair with a co-worker in which she comes home to you hours after having sex with another man, maybe 2-3 times a week. HE knows she is cheating on you, while you will not be aware.

The *ONLY* reason you know anything is because she got herpes. Otherwise, you'd never know or she might have ran off with Mr.Wonderful. Who really knows. Shes young, and is in a self-preservation mode. Maybe she'll never tell another soul about her herpes or her cheating - being married to you.

Compare to you sending out an email to her parents "I will not marry your daughter - she got herpes, at a hotel after I had just proposed to her", then dumping her and leaving her with a very limited dating pool. Sorry, in a sense WHEN you told her about the ring/whatever over the phone (which is NOT cool) you *did* ask her to marry you.

You need weeks of space from each other. Stay at home or a friends place for a while. You should also talk to some trusted friends.

New relationships are at their strongest - affairs usually happen years down the road, after having kids - daily boring stress of living together. A drunken one-night stand, I can let slide somewhat. But two weeks of sexual fantasy of who knows what - knowing how you felt about her? Sorry, she didn't think about you then.

She didn't tell you about it when she got back. "sorry, I did a bad thing"

She only told you when she got herpes!

You would have said "honey! Why are there sores on my dick?!" She had no choice, but to tell you.

Another version of the "God will save me"joke: http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html

[This message edited by SuperNBD at 12:09 AM, May 13th (Friday)]

Does this mean she is still in contact with her affair partner?

After she found out she had herpes, we both wanted to confront the other guy about it. Via texting, he denied that he had it and offered to get tested. We were both curious. She told him that she didn't want to have any contact until he had test results to share. I have full access to their texts, and she has offered to go NC if that's what I'd prefer.

She is in communication with other person, she has an STD, she is cheating, has been cheating, and continuing to cheat. She has not gone no contact, and your dependency on this relationship is enabling her behavior and hindering your ability to process things clearly.

Given the above, I don't think this is true. I feel like I'm in control of the situation.

You know what to do; you are just too scared to do it. You have had everybody who has suffered from infidelity tell you if somebody cheats on you and you are not married and you don't have children that you should get the hell out. They don't know you; they are just trying to tell you to save your ass while you still can. You are heading right for a cliff that every betrayed person can see clear as day. You refuse to listen.

No, I'm listening. The advice I've gotten here has certainly trended toward breaking up, but it hasn't been unanimous. Similarly, I'm still leaning toward breaking up, but I'm not certain about it. I want to give myself time, process it some more, and decide for myself what's most likely to make me happy. I really do appreciate the input of all the people on this forum; you guys have better perspective than I do about some things. But about other things, I'm the one with perspective, and ultimately I'm the one who will have to make the choice. It might not sound like a hard choice to you, but it feels like one to me.

You need to look into the following books on codependents that you can order from Amazon or other places:

The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg

You're not Crazy - You're Codependent by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter

She only told you when she got herpes!

I keep hearing this, but I don't think it's true. When she confessed, she didn't say anything about the herpes. At that point, we both believed that the other guy was sincere about having been a virgin etc. She didn't portray herself as a victim of a seductive liar or anything like that. It was only a few days later that her symptoms developed, she went to a doctor, and she got diagnosed. That changed our understanding of what had happened. (Not to say that either of us think that it absolved her of responsibility.)

I don't want to sound like I'm only here to defend her. She chose to have sex with the guy for two weeks, knowing that it was wrong all the while. Trust me, that hits hard. But I do think she confessed before knowing about the herpes, and I do think she's remorseful now.

toopol,

Betrayed1965 was a little harsh, but was essentially right. This kind of betrayal is not something you forget. What's worse in your case is that herpes is incurable. So every time there's a treatment being applied or any consideration because of her herpes will be a reminder to you how she got it. That will make healing very difficult.

Bellboy denies giving her herpes. Has he gotten tested? If he doesn't have herpes, then a very good question would be how your gf got it, right?

toopol,

You keep saying your GF is remorseful.

Would you please tell us how she is *showing* you she is remorseful, aside from telling you how sorry she is?

What I'm asking is for you to provide us with tangible proof that she's doing the work that's necessary to show you that she is a safe partner.

Maybe there was another guy that she got herpes from ?

For all the bravado, I think you already decided on what you plan to do even though you may not have acknowledged it yourself.

She can;t live with anyone else for the time being or you cannot move anywhere ? Continuing to live together is the worst thing you can do in this situation.