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Ugh, I recently found out my husband is one of these swinger people. I just wanted you to know I was here and that other people's spouses had the same deranged predilections. While I am fine financially, I have three kids at home (one I'm still breastfeeding), so walking away is way more complicated.

My husband is in counseling and group therapy. He scored highly on the sex addiction test. He's had around 100 encounters... Not even sure how many people that means he's fucked. He likes men and women too--- this is a shocking revelation for us BS.

Hope your future is brighter than mine.

So...she claims she used protection when she received oral as well? Because, unless she did, and that's highly unlikely, she had unprotected sex.

And yet another thing I didn't think of. No, she doesn't claim to have used protection while receiving. It just didn't "click" in my mind until you said this.

Or she may have viewed an on premises sex club as less risky, in an assault/murder perspective, than other forms of random NSA hookups once she decided to step out of the marriage for sex-without-emotions.

This is what she says.

If you want to look for causes, rape or childhood sexual abuse would be more likely prospects in my completely inexpert opinion.

She says she's never experienced anything like this.

Addiction is chronic and compulsive. 9 times over a period of years is neither.

Her IC recommended her to the psychiatrist because her DESIRE was to continually do it, but she didn't have the opportunity. Had she the opportunity, the number would have been much higher. This was probably the most hurtful thing in the D. Me "would you have done it more often if you could?" Her, "I'd have done it everyday if I could." I think it hurt the most because I expected to hear her say no, or offer some remorse, like "I wish I hadn't done it as often as I did."

Ugh, I recently found out my husband is one of these swinger people. I just wanted you to know I was here and that other people's spouses had the same deranged predilections. While I am fine financially, I have three kids at home (one I'm still breastfeeding), so walking away is way more complicated.

My husband is in counseling and group therapy. He scored highly on the sex addiction test. He's had around 100 encounters... Not even sure how many people that means he's fucked. He likes men and women too--- this is a shocking revelation for us BS.

Hope your future is brighter than mine.

OMG I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how much more difficult this would be if I didn't have the ability to just throw in the towel and walk away.

Having that freedom is the only thing keeping me going right now.

By your account, you have three bright college educated children, relative affluence, and a loving wife. A good 20 year marriage.

You and she went through a long sexless patch where your wife sought sex elsewhere. She apparently got it, quite astoundingly, without having an affair.

Rockeater, you must be one interesting cat. Your views of things are so completely and consistently outside the norm.

By your account, you have three bright college educated children, relative affluence, and a loving wife. A good 20 year marriage.

You and she went through a long sexless patch where your wife sought sex elsewhere. She apparently got it, quite astoundingly, without having an affair.

In a nutshell, this is pretty much what she says. I should "acknowledge the fact that she didn't put our marriage at risk because she stayed away from any potential emotional attachments." She has a hard time understanding that her foresight doesn't make me feel any better, and trying to say she was protecting our marriage while doing this really set me off. When she said that I just packed my stuff and moved to the shop. Didn't talk to her for 4 days, and probably wouldn't if my oldest hadn't asked me to. Knowing that there weren't any emotional attachments doesn't change the fact that the thought of touching her makes me nauseous. Literally, not figuratively makes me nauseous.

I should "acknowledge the fact that she didn't put our marriage at risk because she stayed away from any potential emotional attachments."

Bullshit!! This is an example of minimization on her part at it's finest. She's a walking contradiction because she also said that if you did what she did she would have divorced you already.

That truly is an example of not being remorseful.

Then why all the sneaking around while you were our of town? Why keep it all a secret from you? Because she knew there was a chance that you would D her and leave!! AND THAT IS PUTTING THE M AT RISK!!

Hi betrayed child here (now and adult). I have a bit of a different perspective than most. Not only did she cheat on you, but she cheated on the family and put the family unit at risk by doing what she did. Does she have any thought to your kids someday seeing one of those videos (GOD FORBID!!) But it has happened. She can't see past herself. Very selfish behavior. Sounds like she compartmentalized a lot too. She has a lot of work to do on herself before you should make any decisions on staying or going.

Very sorry you find yourself here Wittold. Welcome to the rollercoaster from hell. The good news is you have come to the right place. There are a lot of experienced people here who can help guide you. If you haven't found these links already, you should read through these as part of you start here on SI.

You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with your WS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Calling all BSs...:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

Choosing an IC/MC:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948

Very sorry your are here Wittold.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 5:16 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]

If you think about core animalistic programming for species survival, the greatest risk to a male is using his resources to raise another man's child instead of his own, and the greatest risk to a female is her children having no resources because the male abandons the family.

A woman who says "it's just sex" may be channeling her biological firmware, because the relationship is what matters most. And a man that is repulsed by such statement may be channeling his biological firmware, because fidelity is what matters most.

[This message edited by PlanC at 5:18 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]

The last two posts especially are very real, in my point of view, though not why I was married.

The old Pervert informed me that he has "tendancies" that I would not accept, one was swinging and the other to share him willingly with ow and her child, so he could keep two families. Waaa???

Though I struggle financially, I am glad to be free of such drama and rugs being pulled out from under us.

I am an example, after 13 years stay at home life, that we can change our circumstances with drive and focus, so as to not tolerate such disrespect.

My mother also abandoned my father after 31 years but no cheating found. He was just too budget conscious for her narcissistic ways.

anyway...my concern is for the health of yourself but your kids who are at std risk...this is also why I couldnt do it anymore.

Peace to you on this rocky road.

The only way I've ever received is while wearing a condom.

And yet another thing I didn't think of. No, she doesn't claim to have used protection while receiving. It just didn't "click" in my mind until you said this.

She thinks the number is closer to 20, and that almost half were other women. That part blew me away because I never knew she had bi tendencies.

Wittold

I assume that the other women also received.

I assume that the other women also received.

Yup. I didn't even think of that as unprotected sex until confused615 triggered that realization. It's not anything I ever imagined could happen in my life (her being with women), and for some reason I was mentally giving her a pass for it. There have been so many "AHA!" thoughts that I was just flat out overlooking that you guys have posted. Tremendous value to me. I have 5 pages of thoughts/questions to ask her, and almost every one of them was coming from the wrong angle. I have more mental clarity in ONE DAY of this thread than I've had since April 1st.

How did she find a sex club in another town.

More than likely with someone she was already having an a with.

There is much more to the story. She has alreafy said if you did this she would d you. Take her own advice.

There is so much more and more than likely you are better off not knowing.

It is easy to find sex clubs using internet searches. Moreover, sex clubs generally want men to bring a woman partner, but allow single women to join. So, no, the sex club aspect does not itself mean she had any nonclub connections to any other man.

How did she find a sex club in another town.

More than likely with someone she was already having an a with.

She searched "sex clubs in the state of XX", and saw that the closest one was in the next city.

There is much more to the story. She has alreafy said if you did this she would d you. Take her own advice.

There is so much more and more than likely you are better off not knowing.

I may D, not sure yet. I promised my oldest son I wouldn't do anything while he's deployed, and I won't. I don't want him to have any further distractions while he's in an environment where distractions can be deadly. I may be better off not knowing everything, but I'm not sure how that's possible. I don't think I can be hurt any worse than I am, and I'd rather know everything now than face TT and having the scab ripped off. I still believe she's told me everything, but I'm going to pursue a polygraph and make sure of it.

When oldest asked her if we were divorcing she said maybe, and that if so, it was all on her. She also told him if I'd done what she did we'd already be divorcing.

This caught my eye.

so she is ok with you divorcing her then?

This caught my eye.

so she is ok with you divorcing her then?

Yes. She says she understands if I do and will not fight it, but that she hopes I don't and will do whatever it is that I ask of her.

I am really sorry your going through this. I can't imagine in my mind making it work after this. Her saying she would divorce you if you had done the same would have really pushed me over the edge.

I hope you can take some time away from her to see what you want.

I personally think you deserve better.

C

I am really sorry your going through this. I can't imagine in my mind making it work after this.

Her saying she would divorce you if you had done the same would have really pushed me over the edge.

Me Too

I know everyone is a bit of a hypocrite but.....

I may be better off not knowing everything,

I am very pro-reconciliation but in order to reconcile certain things need to be in place. One of the major factors being the TRUTH. You are not better off not knowing everything because it’s not really possible to recover from something you don’t know. Frankly I have yet to read a single story here where the truth was worse or more outrageous than whatever the imagination could conjure.

One of the “truths” you might need is understanding the build-up of deciding to go to a swinger’s club. Although I’m not denying it might have happened the way she tells it then usually people gradually cross a border. Sort of like you do beer before you try pot before you hit vodka and then on to coke and heroin… Going directly to a swinger’s club… as a minimum I would look for a conductor… a factor that made her search in that direction. Might be a friend, might be a lover…

I also think you need two more things before you have a chance at reconciling:

You have to totally absolve yourself of any blame for the affair.

What if a medical condition had made you impotent? What if you ripped your friend off in an accident? Would that explain why she needed to go get some elsewhere?

What if your marriage hits another snag? What if you don’t do the dishes or refuse to mow the lawn? Can she go off and offer safe-sex BJ’s?

As has been pointed out she had other options to get resolve.

She has to understand that this is an affair.

No matter what she says then emotional needs were being met too. If it was only the physical aspect then a BOB would have done the trick, but something battery-operated doesn’t give anyone a sense of desirability and being wanted.

She had an affair. She needs to accept that and acknowledge.

Just like she has to fully take her full blame for deciding on this wrong path.

Finally: The IC and sexual addiction… Bull.

Call the IC out on it. Is your WW hooked on the physical reaction sex gives her – the high of the orgasm? Or is she addicted to the validation being desired and sought after gives her

Wittold, just wanted to give some support in that this is not your fault as she had many options, to leave, to divorce, to give you ultimatum.

Take it from someone who has not had sex in 9 years between the ages of 37 and 46, a woman's "primetime" due to all of my Wayward husband's cheating and preferring porn and fantasy online relationships to a real live one with me (he's always had performance issues with me from the get go (I suspect porn/sex addiction issues) and I also was so angry at all the lying, not working, etc that I have to own not wanting sex with him - didn't want to catch a disease and die and I was just plan ANGRY.

BUT that being said, I have not asked him for a divorce or simply walked away leaving half of everything (pension, 50% time with our child, etc that I was the only one to earn), or giving an ultimatum because all discussions just fall on deaf ears (I too asked in my more naïve years for him to see a doctor to get help for the physical issues) AND I sure as heck did not cheat or join a Sex club because that is not in my moral makeup or anything I am about.

It's going to be a long haul for your WS to get to the bottom of what about herself, her core values, her "damage" that allowed her to do this

Best of luck and I'm so sorry