I agree with PlanC‘s rational and well thought comments. I too sense growing anger in your posts and if that’s not characteristic of you then maybe the supplements are the cause. Back in my cop-days the worst people I dealt with were steroid-jacked young men on speed. So much anger and impulsiveness. If this rage – or more specifically this REACTION to rage - is not the normal reaction you show when angry… well maybe PlanC might be on to something.
Yes, Wittold, you have every right to be angry and frustrated. That’s a given. But being insulting or abusive won’t give you any benefit or advantage in what you are dealing with. Be goal-oriented: What is the goal you are aiming at? How will my action help me reach that goal?
You have used the terms “slut” and “whore” to describe your wife. You make comments like she should have kept her legs together. OK – I GET the anger. I really do. I honestly understand why you are angry and you have GREAT cause to be angry.
But is it constructive?
Is it getting you any closer to the goal?
Look – My view on infidelity is rather simple: If our relationship has to deal with infidelity it offers us two choices. We can reconcile or we can end the relationship. The choices are really simple but the implementation can be tough. I don’t know if you have decided your path but divorce with reconciliation OR reconciliation with divorce won’t work. You sort of have to take a leap-of-faith with either option and try to wear it completely.
It’s not that you have to stick to your choice, you are always free to reevaluate and change your mind, but aiming at R but acting mean isn’t going to cut it.
I use a technique in both my personal- and business life that’s worked wonders for me. It’s something that is used in officer training in the military. You have a goal (in your case getting out of infidelity). Basically you evaluate all the info you have. From that info and from reasonable deductions you create a plan. You then implement the plan, making sure everyone involved is clear on the plan. That implementation might cause reaction. You take the reaction along with the info you have and reevaluate. You then either create a new plan and implement, hopefully getting you closer to your goal.
In the military they look for several mistakes: Those that create bad plans from the info they have and those that don’t reevaluate based on the reaction.
Like if your platoon has to cross a clearing: You evaluate the situation, you evaluate if there has been enemy activity or sightings in that area recently. Based on what you know and see you decide that your platoon should cross the clearing in a line with good distance between men and at a careful pace. Once the lead reaches the middle of the clearing the enemy starts shooting from a prepared ambush. Do you carry on sending troops walking at a slow pace across the clearing or do you re-evaluate? Do you retreat, dig in, call in air-support…? Basically the MAJOR mistake and the one that weeds out unfit officers would be to NOT react and NOT change plans.
This applies to infidelity.
It sounds like you are working at reconciliation. If not, then why argue about choice of MC? Why aren’t you already packing or talking to her about who gets the Ford and who takes the Nissan? If you think R is your chosen path then comments like the one about her legs, slut, whore… These are like telling the above platoon to charge, but for every three paces forward they have to take one pace back. It’s not helping them reach their goal.
Once again – Just to be clear on this:
YOU have EVERY RIGHT to be angry. I fully get that. It’s the way you express it and how you control and use it that’s an issue IMHO. I’m fine with you reminding her that this is a situation of her creation, but I might not be fine with the words you use…
I sort-of agree with your IC. I think a non-biased infidelity experienced MC would be a better choice than your WW IC. Don’t misunderstand my comments above to mean you should accept or concede to everything your WW says or suggests, but you can be firm and determined without being insulting.
[If nothing else then I wonder why her IC hasn’t made her see that her decision to go to the swinger’s club WAS based on emotional needs rather than purely physical. Had this been purely physical then a sex-toy would have sufficed. She might not have had lasting emotional attachments to the OM but she had emotional needs met when she felt they thought she was sexy IMHO]
Should you apologize?
Well… Why not? What would that cost you and what benefits would that bring you?
I think a “WW – I am sorry for some of the words and phrases I have used to you. They are not reflective of who I thought I am. But your actions aren’t reflective of who I thought YOU are either. I am learning to deal with the trauma you subjected me to and am finding this all very hard” wouldn’t be any sign of weakness but would help you stay at a moral level that’s to your benefit.
Ps. I can't for the life of me see how the rage is an indication of Mrs. Witold having no remorse.
