SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wittold, just wanted to give some support in that this is not your fault as she had many options, to leave, to divorce, to give you ultimatum.

Take it from someone who has not had sex in 9 years between the ages of 37 and 46, a woman's "primetime" due to all of my Wayward husband's cheating and preferring porn and fantasy online relationships to a real live one with me (he's always had performance issues with me from the get go (I suspect porn/sex addiction issues) and I also was so angry at all the lying, not working, etc that I have to own not wanting sex with him - didn't want to catch a disease and die and I was just plan ANGRY.

BUT that being said, I have not asked him for a divorce or simply walked away leaving half of everything (pension, 50% time with our child, etc that I was the only one to earn), or giving an ultimatum because all discussions just fall on deaf ears (I too asked in my more naïve years for him to see a doctor to get help for the physical issues) AND I sure as heck did not cheat or join a Sex club because that is not in my moral makeup or anything I am about.

It's going to be a long haul for your WS to get to the bottom of what about herself, her core values, her "damage" that allowed her to do this

Best of luck and I'm so sorry

I may be better off not knowing everything,

What I meant was I don't want to know the explicit sexual details. I DO want to know who/what/where/when/how/why; I DON'T want to hear how good/bad it was, anatomical details, etc. I already have feelings of inadequacy, I don't want to make them worse.

That is exactly how I felt... I didn't need to know all the gory anatomical details, but I needed to know how/where/ who (that he can remember), anyone I knew?!? (He says no)...

I have enough mind movies I don't need details for all the encounters.

I understand how you are feeling. It's been three months since D day- He's finally found some humility- and come clean about other things he has hidden and lied about that weren't sex related.

I'll be following your story- doesn't seem like I read about too many BS of secret swingers here!

Well, she passed the poly, but I'm not sure that it changed things (except possibly make me madder). Where the hell do they get off on acting proud that they passed a poly when all the poly said was that she is a whore? Seriously, she had the gall to ask me out to dinner so we could "celebrate", like that was all she needed to do to "fix" us.

I have been following your thread and if that isn't another knife in the back. She wants to celebrate that she can prove she told the truth about the biggest betrayal she has ever pulled off???

She really doesn't get it. I'm not to sure this is fixable. Does she have any clue as to how much she hurt you? She need to find some true perspective on this situation. A better response would have been "It was all the truth, I am sorry I hurt you so badly", not "lets celebrate!"... What is there to celebrate? Talk about insensitive. Leads you to believe she wasn't sure she was going to pass.

I'm really sorry you are hear and are going through this.

Yeah....an unremorseful WS would want to celebrate.

So you need to make sure she understands this isn't a get out of jail free pass. She still cheated a d betrayed you tremendously. All the polygraph did was establish that she's told you the truth so far. It doesn't unfuck the men she's fucked.

Still tons of work to do on her part. Is she aware that it takes about five years to heal from this?

She's not a whore. She's worse. At least whores get paid. Cheaters give it away for free. Sorry, it's Friday and I wanted to lighten your mood. I know it hurts. I've got those same scars on my heart. All I can assure you is it will get better.

I take the wayward wife's side on this one. She is trying to save her marriage. She is taking a humiliating test to try convince her husband that she is now capable of telling the truth. She is nervous that her nervousness will make her fail. If she fails, she doesn't know what she'll do.

So to her it IS a victory. A victory so big that she momentarily forgets that celebrating it comes across as a selfishness. The wayward "celebrating" a good polygraph outcome is not uncommon--and the betrayed spouse often gets pissed--but, really, I think it is understandable.

I agree with your assessment Witthild. However to expand on PlanC’s point. What you already knew didn’t cause you to move out. Your wife was desperate for any ray of light and took that to mean that she had a chance. Now she proved that there isn’t anything more. In her mind if you haven’t moved out already why would you move out now?

Also to expand on CoolHandLuke67’s comments. Not only did your wife not get paid, she proud of the fact she gave it away without any emotional attachment.

Graywolf, if I recall correctly, in Wittold's wife's situation, she indicated that she was seeking to fulfill unmet sexual needs, as there was no marital sex, and was intentionally trying to avoid emotional entanglements in doing so.

Graywolf, if I recall correctly, in Wittold's wife's situation, she indicated that she was seeking to fulfill unmet sexual needs, as there was no marital sex, and was intentionally trying to avoid emotional entanglements in doing so.

PlanC

You are correct. My point was some people dress up their affair by saying they found their soul mate. Thereby avoiding being called a whore. His wife did not do that for the reasons you stated.

I did move out, as far away as I'm going to anyways. I moved into my shop in April, so about 35 yards from the house. There is no way I'm leaving this house, as I have the only legal claim- she knows this, and knows it isn't because of any attachment to her. I haven't given her the boot because I can't legally- yet. DS is home in 3 weeks, at which point there will be a reckoning.

We had the tenants in one of our rentals give notice today, but she doesn't know it yet. I'm going to let her know tonight that it's going to be available on 8/10, and that she should anticipate being moved there, whether she wants to or not.

Mate before you start trying to force something like that it could be an idea to chat to a lawyer just to see where you legally stand on this.

Wittold,

Don’t know the law in The Deepest Pit of Hell but in nearly all states, Canada and Europe marital property is joint property. Be careful to corroborate any plan you have for divorce, separation or division of assets with an attorney. I’m guessing they are really easy to find in all corners of Hell…

Don’t know the law in The Deepest Pit of Hell but in nearly all states, Canada and Europe marital property is joint property. Be careful to corroborate any plan you have for divorce, separation or division of assets with an attorney. I’m guessing they are really easy to find in all corners of Hell…

She signed a quitclaim when we bought this house. I'll have to give her 50% of the value (which is pretty much the rental that's opening up next month), but the house is mine. I've spoken to an attorney already, and for the most part it will be her in the rental, me here, everything we have in the LLC sold and funds divided 50-50 (unless either of us wants to negotiate with the other to buy out the others share).

Mate before you start trying to force something like that it could be an idea to chat to a lawyer just to see where you legally stand on this.

She agrees with the plan, so no need to force her at this point. I told her if we were ever going to be able to R, then I needed some time away from her, which she grudgingly accepted (although at this point I'm thinking no R). We have our first MC meeting tomorrow, and to be honest, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Be very careful about going to MC with this woman. Does the MC specialize in infidelity? Do you know much about the MC?

You've mentioned the coming reckoning when son gets home, and you seem to have a lot of legal and financial options in order.

I'm not saying don't go. Some here will say don't go. Just don't hesitate to walk out if starts going down the road of you taking blame for her betrayals. It doesn't sound like your M (or whats left of it) is in a conducive place for MC right now. Save your money for legal fees.

I had a similar experience , it didn't involve a club but it did involve emotions.

If there were no emotions , doesn't that make it worse? It says that your some very momentary sexual relief was more important to her than your relationship/marriage.

I'm fine with consenting adults doing whatever they want in private, on the condition that they don't disregard how their actions will affect those around them, which your wife (or soon to be ex-wife?) obviously did not do .

I think you were an unconsenting party in all this , since you were her husband .

I have a peculiar personal view on sexual stuff , I think that sex and desire shouldn't be so divorce from our other human capacities and emotions like love , admiration , affection , intellect and maybe even humor ....etc , this is why I find porn so boring , there's no story , no personal involvement just some people being treated and treating each other like objects.

This orgiastic , animalistic nonsense is very similar to alcoholism and drug addiction in some ways.

As for D and R ,as you're approaching retiring age , do you want to spend the last part of your life with someone like your wife , someone who did what she did to you . I'd personally rather spend it alone (you still have your children though). But it's your choice.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 7:56 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]

I had my first IC, and she flipped a gasket when she heard that we were going to use the WW's IC as our MC. She told me in no uncertain terms that this shouldn't happen, that we needed to have someone that can't be construed as biased in any way if we wanted to be successful. Told WW and she was not happy, tried to throw her preference into the mix (her IC) to which I responded my preference would have been for her to keep her legs closed. Instant waterworks from her which made me snap, I told her to GTFO of my sight, that she didn't have the right to cry in front of me (I have no idea where that came from- the words just came out). Long story short, she now says I'm scaring her. 26 years of rarely raising my voice, and never physically doing anything, and now I scare her. Told her it was apparently too late for marriage counseling because now in addition to having to deal with her becoming a slut, she was going to try and blameshift with her weak assed "fear" of me. Told her if I found out she expressed this newfound fear to anyone else I'd burn her life down. Her job, her reserve career, and ALL friends and family would receive the same video I received, then said yes, now you should be afraid of me. I have no idea where all this anger has come from at this point, but I am absolutely LIVID, not to mention the shame I'm feeling for how I handled her, but when I think of that, it just makes me more angry with her for making me feel it. Right now I absolutely HATE her, which is blowing me away because just 2 days ago I saw her laying out in the yard and I started bawling because of how much I miss her. I feel so absolutely fucked up right now, the worst since this all began. This sucks so bad.

You're anger comes from her making demands at a time like this. It also tells you you're dealing with zero remourse just sorry she got caught.

Move on. Keep your evidence as leverage for the divorce. In a safe place. She'll destroy it if she gets a chance. Bank on that.