This is unfolding as I write. It would make a good movie.
I'm 64, my wife is 65 and retired. She's an avid bicyclist. Got hit by a car last week. Nothing broken, but a nasty contusion on the knee. She was looking forward to getting back on the bike asap. But, then on the weekend she had breathing problems - it was a blood clot caused by her injury that went to the lungs. So, back to the hospital and into the ICU for oxygen mask, blood thinner and constant observation. She's still there.
Last Monday I went into her office to shut down her computer for her.
You guessed it - in plain sight on her monitor was a lovy-dovey, sexy FB chat with one of the guys she bikes with - younger, I think (60?) and a total bike jock. His job is bicycle messenger, specializing in big heavy packages. Classy choice.
The chat was happening as I watched - she on her phone at the hospital, distraught that she was going to have to miss out on all the upcoming bike rides and get-togethers. They said how much they loved each other and made saucy, sexual remarks.
Investigating further on the computer I find a list of things she wrote - things to or consider regarding moving out. Another list of things she wants out of life that she doesn't have. "To have a husband who comes home from work?" (I have an office/studio at home). Huh? It's that big a deal to separate over?
And then I found an email to the landlord of an apartment for rent, wanting to go see the place.
My world died around me.
Fortunately I have some good friends. One, who went through something much worse, recommended a book, Divorce After 50. I got ahold of a copy within hours. It's mostly for what happens after this period but it was clear I should get legal advice and facts asap.
I called a lawyer friend for recommendations of a good family law attorney. She said she would, but she'd meet with me for free and prep me. And, she said, do NOT let on you know about this. Especially while she is in the hospital ICU. I would become the bad guy if I did. Document what I could, she said, and play it cool. Show her the husbandly care and concern she'd be dumping. But drop tiny hints, she said, just to make her paranoid.
So, I forwarded some things to myself from her comp, and took a lot of screen shots. I'm still doing that.
I was -and am - visiting her twice daily while acting like I know nothing - which has to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Especially when between visits I can read the mush they are exchanging.
If she hadn't hurt her knee and had the blood clot, our plan was to go on vacation today with friends at a beach house. Her calendar says "stop texting with [Bike Boy]" on today's date. Is this compartmentalism? Wha? How could she have been planning to enjoy a holiday with me and then leave me for another guy the next week, or next month? Was it a farewell present to me, or a way to make it sting harder?
We're not going to go the beach house on the day we planned, obviously, but she urged me to go ahead without her, she'd get a ride with friends early next week. Ha,ha,ha,ha.. No, I said, I was TOO CONCERNED to leave her alone in her condition. Blood clots are life threatening, I said. Smirk.
It's killing me to be the nurturing, attentive husband outside, and the boiling, wounded victim on the inside. And I could sure use some sleep.
What I've learned: this doesn't appear to have gone on very long. If I can believe the love chats they have not fully consummated this betrayal. I dunno. The first messages I saw were pretty salty. She playfully offered to do some "sexting," saying she was expert at it. Oh? That's new. I've always known her to be somewhat prudish. Where the hell has this side of her been all along? How disappointing not to have been able to enjoy it all these years.
Reading the list of things she wants to take with her when she goes, it is plain she has no concept of what common property is. A lot of things she's decided are "hers," are actually "ours." And, from what I've read and been told, nothing commonly owned should leave the house without mutual agreement. Which she will never get.
Unfortunately (for me right now) she had a government job and has always made more than me (I'm in the arts and not in the government). And I'm still working while she's been out everyday riding more and more miles and making friends in the bicycling community - the century (100 miles) and extreme riders. They ooze with superiority.
So, she's FIT. I'm fit, but not that fit. My lawyer friend, who is very annoyed on my behalf says "I know bike-boys!" Her ex belonged to a bike club and she says cheating was rampant. She says it has to do with the mix of endorphins, testosterone, competitiveness, and fit bodies in lycra. My lawyer friend is guiding me trough this almost hourly. So, if the spit hits the fan, I will say nothing - just calmly message her and ask her how to respond.
This gets even more dramatic and ironic. The doctors told my wife she has to stay on the blood thinners for six months or longer, maybe for life. So, no activities that risk falling, cuts, bumps, etc. That includes biking. There are other things you could do, they said.
She was thrashing like a big angry fish being pinned to the deck of a boat. She looked for every opening in that prohibition, rejecting all the alternatives. Finally bewailing that biking was too important to give up. "I am an ATHLETE!!
She says, "It keeps me feeling young, if I stop, I'll get fat and become an old lady!"
Well, well. The mid-life crisis fighting for its life.
I would like to stay married to her, actually. All those years down the drain! Separation/ divorce would set off an explosion in our family and community of friends - just as our kids are getting to the age of having children. What a mess that would make of grandparenting. And we'd both be poorer. I might be a LOT poorer. That really worries me. Retirement plans would be shot to hell.
And what a dumb thing to do to her reputation - having a fling with a younger bike messenger. Not to mention what our friends and family would think of her for doing that to me.
This is at least the third time something like this happened. She left her first husband to have a fling with a young stud before she met me. Her family, who was close to the first husband, was not well pleased. Nor were friends. There was a chill in the air when I first was introduced around as her new bf.
Then around 15 years ago, she got infatuated with a guy she thought was so superior to me. He was married. She said it was never consumated - "just kissing." I had no clue it was going on - only long evenings at work with him and regular doses of fault-finding with me. They decided to break it off for children's sake. An emotional gulf remained between us, and I contributed to it, no doubt about it. If fact, about 8 years ago, I got emotionally involved with an online friend. I needed some nurture in my life. It got pretty steamy. But, I tried to do the right thing. I got counseling, confessed, and had a long hard period of putting the toothpaste back in the tube. That's when she confessed to her own indiscretion, btw.
As a result of all this, and probably as a result of our personalities anyway, there's been a distance all along.
We're been distant, which is kind of normal for us. Avoidance?
We used to cuddle in bed at night, at least, but then last month she got one of those night-breathing masks and she can no longer curl up with me. In fact she started putting the duvet between us like a barrier. That may be around the time she started making plans to leave. Hmm. Could it be that simple - the machine reminded her that she's getting older and our reduced touching made her feel rejected for being old?
I'm rambling. The great irony in all this detail, is that on the verge of dumping me for some bike-bimbo, she can suddenly no longer be the young-looking athletic companion to bike boy. She complains constantly that she can feel her strength ebbing every day she's inactive. Bimbo reassures her it doesn't matter, he still loves her. He'll carry her on his cargo bike. Yeah right.
Inside, I'm laughing and crying and laughing and crying.
Sorry this is so long - but you did invite venting.
