SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All I can offer is support. I don't know if I would be able to stay silent on the matter even if my FWS was in a life threatening situation.

I wanted to float out an alternate course of action, based on the fact that this is your WW's 3rd affair and you've had one yourself too.

I have looked everywhere, where does BB say he had an affair?

he had a steamy relationship with someone online.

i disagree with lawyer friend. next time you come bring a print out of her convos. give them to her and leave without a word.

cut off her phone service.

ignore her for a day or two. see what happens.

BB

You're doing really well in a really shitty situation. Really well.

Like you, I discovered and kept quiet while regaining my equilibrium and devising/implementing a strategy to protect myself and my children. Pretending ignorance is so very hard. Very straining! I felt that I wasn't true to myself, so I agree in principle to house of plane and those who echo him. HOWEVER, I would do it exactly the same way again. Such was my circumstance. Only you know your situation. My advice is to listen to your attorney. Time enough for honesty once you've got your ducks in a row. You come first! She's not going to be honest now. Do you like playing poker with your cards face up while the other players keep theirs hidden?

There's a saying here on SI "Take what you want and leave the rest". Including my $0.02 above, lol. It's your life and we respect that!

Another thought: It's interesting that she's indicating about cooling it off. Interesting thing about the 'tiff', however it doesn't mean much with the continued lloveyou's. Seems like you are still useful to have around while she's recuperating. The 'feeling bad about deception' thing might be a lie to the OM, or it might be a manipulative misdirection to YOU if she suspects you are intercepting communications with OM. Games, sigh.

[This message edited by antlered at 12:43 PM, August 19th (Friday)]

BB, please consider this. You do not have to have evidence sufficient to prove your case in a court of law. That's simply not necessary. You know what you know. You've seen the conversations. You've seen the track history. You're watching in real time, your WW going outside of your marriage and giving intimacies that she promised to only give to you, to OM.

You really don't "have" to gather any more evidence. You have sufficient.

Now you need to decide on your next course of action. No one wants to get divorced. But if you go into this next phase taking divorce off of the table, then you may very well find yourself in the exact same place in a month, a year, a couple of years. Is it worth you living your life on tenterhooks, waiting for the next time your WW decides that she is going to betray you? Not if, but when?

You need to take back your power, your self-love and protection, and get yourself out of infidelity. Thank goodness that you have a good lawyer friend helping you to walk through the preliminaries. I would honestly suggest that you get that recommendation from him, for a killer divorce lawyer, and pay him/her a visit. Believe it or not, it's probably a really good thing that your WW was the major wage earner and has a nice retirement from the government! Because you are entitled to part of that and probably spousal support. Or a generous settlement. Serving your WW with divorce papers that spell out everything that you are entitled t, plus asking for executive use of the house, while she is in the hospital is likely to send the wake up call of the ages to her. Now, if you do this, you cannot do this because you hope that she will see the light and then, if not, you'll cancel the divorce because it didn't work. You have to mean it and be willing to go through with it if she continues on her wayward way. You tell her, essentially:

Its simple, WW. I am not your Plan B. You are either married to and faithful to me, and put me above all others, or we are divorced. I set you free. If you love OM, go to him. I'll arrange a time for you to come get your clothing, with a sheriff present to make sure no marital assets leave until they are legally divided, and you can go live with your love, or you can go live anywhere else you please. I will not live in an open marriage. That's non-negotiable. I do not want to hear from you unless it is about our asset split, and I will only accept email contact or contact through my lawyer XXXXX. BTW, our children have been told that our marriage is in crisis because you have been unfaithful to me, so you may want to contact them. That has been all that I have told them at this time, I see no reason to show them the realtime talks that you had with OM.

And then go dark. Email about assets only, no more visits, get your ducks in a row, and make sure that all financial documents are copied and put into a safe place. Show her what divorce looks like, and be very willing to carry through with it.

Skan, you make some good points, especially in the light of their last exchange which indicates they will chat again tonight and are hoping to meet again before we go on vacation - meeting under cover of a cafe-meet-up for bikers. And they talk of a plan they have worked out. It is only this vacation week they are cooling it.

Two problems with serving divorce papers in the hospital room. First, no time. She's probably getting out tomorrow (Saturday), and second, the optics of servicing divorce papers to a sick person in her hospital bed makes me look like a jerk.

the optics of servicing divorce papers to a sick person in her hospital bed makes me look like a jerk

Definitely talk to a divorce lawyer, because in many states, optics simply don't matter at all. If they did, an affair would be worse than serving her in the hospital. But most states, even the affair doesn't matter. Hopefully you will be entitled to some level of financial support from her - I think that also depends on the state, but if your state has alimony then it's calculated from a formula and has nothing to do with when or where you had papers served.

Maybe you are worried about what your friends think. But I think telling them that she was sexting her lover from her hospital bed should clear things up. As for what SHE will tell HER friends, well you can't control that. She'll likely lie and say you were horrible no matter what.

The optics matter to me. I want her, not me, to be the shamed one in the eyes of our friends and family.

There's a certain politician notorious for divorcing his hospitalized wife. Everyone remembers that, but nobody knows WHY he divorced her - including me. If there was a good reason, it's overpowered by the optics.

But, you are right, it's no-fault divorce where I live.

I've asked the lawyer if one can get into the "whys" in divorce proceedings in our state. She will get back to me.

Your wife is a bad person, doesn't really love you, and doesn't deserve you. Start divorce proceedings with the lawyer friend.

No fault usually does not get into the whys..The asset division is based on who has what (education, earning potential, disability,age) and then everything is plunked into a formula..Nobody is concerned with the reasons / psychology behind the divorce...

The advantage of no fault is that a long waiting period can be avoided..Filing starts the clock, and in my state an uncontested divorce can happen in as little as 2 months..

I did like House of Plane's note, btw. That's the sort of approach I would usually take. I just don't know, now, if it work for this.

I had a lung clot. The best research is blood thinners for a year. Also when I came home it didnt disappear over night. I had a lot of the sweating etc for another 3 months. Biker boy will have a new biker babe. I would consult with a doctor,I might even do it when she is in the step down unit. When you confront have a voice activated recorder or a var.

My pulmonary enbolism was caused by dehydration after d day. I was in icu a week. I would be concerned if she was a cryer about another clot. Also if she is some thinners blood tests weekly.

Read spaceghosts thread.

BB...HOP's & Canoe's (Linda McDonald book ) posts are ROCK Solid. 2 of the best on the broad. My prayers to you & your family.

so you let her continue her a lest you look less than saintly?

i dont think anyone can fail to understand acting when your spouse is having an a.

the longer you let it go on the eorse off tou will be. ive seen variations of this repeated over and over.

skan is absolutely correct.

Yes, Prickle, this is not a thing she can shake off. She'll need to self-inject blood thinner twice daily, and, as you say, get checked, weekly to start. My lawyer/friend is also predicting Biker Boy is going to drift away. I'd love to see that, but I don't know if I have the patience.

Cajun, please don't be offended, but it looks like the book author is very religious/Christian. The wife is not and will toss it aside gets religious.

By the way. I'm REALLY grateful for all the advice and info. It is much needed and very appreciated. THANK YOU.

BB,

IMO there id another way. Why dont yiu confront OM, not in a violent way, not even in person, just call him and let him know that he can have her. And dont day a word to your wife and keep monitoring your sources (do not reveal how yiu know, dont give OM any clue or repeat any text, neather to your wife if she asks)

This kind of POS will run away when your WW is finally free to have a serious relation.

I may be wrong but why is she looking for a flat when OM is single? OM hs something to hide. The flat may be just for sex.

There are a lot you dont know, she only hs acnowledge 2 affairs and now yiu kniw the tird one, but may be others yiu dobt know.

Other thing, thr affair is not just emotional, no grown ups spend a lot of tinw toguether having a EA and dont have sex.

Good luck

My lawyer/friend is also predicting Biker Boy is going to drift away. I'd love to see that, but I don't know if I have the patience.

No, you do not wait for that to happen, you get all your info and confront your wife.

Let's say the affair does fade away, what happens if it doesn't? What happens the next time she goes looking for a younger guy? Not to mention she is still looking to rent an apartment and that is something to be concerned about.

Since you can monitor her communications you should set something up where you can catch her red-handed.

I COULD catch them red-handed tomorrow morning. Depending on what you call red handed. Actually it would be blue-handed. That's the color of the gloves visitors have to wear. And they have to wear a silly yellow short hospital gown. She is flat on her back in a hospital bed with one knee the size of a grapefruit and unable to move due to the paiin. I don't think they are going to get up to much.

And I would also have to be wearing the blue gloves and short yellow gown to go into her room (something to do with a super-bacteria they discovered in her system that they don't want to spread into the hospital). It would be the most ridiculous confrontation in history, I think.

I decided to pass on crashing their little breakfast visit and go to the lawyer's to work on a "flow-chart" (she calls it) of legal consequences she faces to hand to her at a later time.

She's staying at the hospital for another 4-5 days for rehab. She urged me to go on to the beach house to join our friends this week. Not happening. Too busy preparing the confrontation.