SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BB,

Why dont you get a Var and hide it in her room？a celphone rexording can do the trck.

You could ear what they talk about.

Go to see her really early, then you go again with some excuse. You can even surprice her while he is there just to see their faces

This is at least the third time something like this happened. She left her first husband to have a fling with a young stud before she met me. Her family, who was close to the first husband, was not well pleased. Nor were friends. There was a chill in the air when I first was introduced around as her new bf.

Then around 15 years ago, she got infatuated with a guy she thought was so superior to me. He was married. She said it was never consumated - "just kissing." I had no clue it was going on - only long evenings at work with him and regular doses of fault-finding with me. They decided to break it off for children's sake. An emotional gulf remained between us, and I contributed to it, no doubt about it. If fact, about 8 years ago, I got emotionally involved with an online friend. I needed some nurture in my life. It got pretty steamy. But, I tried to do the right thing. I got counseling, confessed, and had a long hard period of putting the toothpaste back in the tube. That's when she confessed to her own indiscretion, btw.

At some point you're going to have to accept that you have hitched your wagon to someone you will probably never be able to trust. If the familial and financial fall out of divorce is too rough to take then you may want to pursue IC to help you deal with maintaining a marriage of convenience.

Well, you're correct in that if she's getting out today/tomorrow, it's too soon to get divorce papers drawn up, so yeah, continue with getting your ducks in a row with your attorney to file. I certainly would drop divorce papers on her just as quickly as possible, because shock and awe are some of the best predictors, IMO, if a wayward is going to snap out of their self-chosen jackassery.

But listen. We're here to give you advice. We're here to help you to get out of infidelity as quickly as possible, because that IS the most healthy thing for you to do. None of us want you to be stuck for more of your precious years of life, waiting for yet another shoe to fall. The timing is up to you, but the more that you move forward and take control of your life, the shorter the healing time span will be.

If you have not already, you might also want to go down to the I Can Relate forum and check out the Betrayed Menz thread. Very cool guys down there who can give you a helping hand (and a virtual beer) as well. Check it out.

I would talk to the doctor ask him his opinion as to when to give papers. I would also tell her family so they can take over care.

Reporting a mini-confrontation, shot fired across Bike Boy's bow, and We Need To Talk message conveyed loud and clear.

The love-birds had a visit planned for this morning for 8:30 in her hospital room. He was bringing a latte and a muffin.

I texted that I'd visit for breakfast. She said no need, two of her bike buddies, BikeBoy and Name She Pulled Out of her Ass we're bringing her coffee.

I said no problem, I'll wander over with some pastry in a bit.

Even though they had an hour warning, they decided it would not be a problem if I saw them together. So he was sitting there when I arrived in his bright blue gloves and puffy canary-yellow hospital gown, watching me as I slowly cleaned my hands, put on the gloves and get into my own puffy canary gown, preparing for the most ludicrously attired confrontation scene in history.

Also on the scene were two nurses wheeling machines and trays into the room and a doctor who showed up at that moment to give the patient a debriefing.

Oh, I said, finally walking into the room, you must be Name I Grabbed Out of My Ass. Bike Boy looked confused. More confused than usual, I mean. Wife quickly said, Oh, Name I Grabbed Out of My Ass couldn'it make it. This is Bike Boy. He started to lift his arm for an handshake, then thought better of it.

How nice of Bike Boy to bring you breakfast in bed, I smiled, fixing my eyes on Bike Boys'.

"Don't let me detain you." I told him, smiling.

No comprehension

I repeated my statement. Not getting through.

"Beat it!" I said, indicating the door.

STILL no comprehension.

After three times, each with larger gesticulations toward the door, the wife had to clarify if for the poor dear.

"He wants you to leave."

In disbelief he started inching toward the door, while I turned my attention to the doctor who was still standing there waiting to debrief. Like a pro, she just ignored the scene and gave us the info whlile BikerBoy slunk away.

In the first moment of privacy my wife snarls "why were you so rude?"

I said "Oh, please!" Just like my lawyer suggested.

We did not get a chance to talk, however, though we agreed we should. There were constant interruptions from nurses, the doctor and a friend who dropped in to visit.

Since then she's messaged me, taking me to task for being so rude.

"I am furious with you. Your insinuations are insulting"

"I don't know where you got your ideas, but I am not involved w BikeBoy or Name I Pullled out of My Ass or anyone else."

And THEN:

"However I know you've felt distance between us. Your conclusion that I'm involved is not the case, or the issue. In truth, I have been thinking about you and I going separate ways. I had hoped to talk about this after vacation. Unfortunately it's coming up this way and it's in awful circumstances. I don't know what to do. I apologize for the situation. Not what I wanted."

I have made no response. So, now her plan is revealed. She was going to go on a nice vacation with me and DUMP me. How sweet. And admitting any romance with Bike Boy. Wow, what a LIER. It puts everything she's ever said into doubt.

Lawyer friend and I put together a chart showing the various options: reconciliation w/o separation, reconciliation with separation, trial separation and pre-divorce separation - and the consequences and requirements of each. We meet tomorrow to go over it. I'm going to do some reading up. And then I'll meet with the wife.

Nicely played

Good move.

BikeBoy doesn't seem to be very bright , neither does your wife.

Well , a 65 year old retired woman having affairs already tells you a lot about her character .

The thing is this may be the "tip of the iceberg".

The thing is this may be the "tip of the iceberg".

Yep usually is

I do not think I would try any type of separation here, it would just give her time to try out bikerboy a lot more with out you around, maybe even in your home.

I think I would take a nice vacation for myself without the WW.

keep in mind though bikerboy probably would come to your house while you are away.

I was reading another new thread about a spouse having an emotional affair, which, if what I've seen so far, is what seems to be happening with my spouse - and supposedly once before where she idealized a guy she worked with.

I'm realizing her mother did the same thing! She embarrassed the whole family in mid-life when she formed an unrequited crush on a neighbor. He was all she could talk about. She even hand-carved a totem pole for the guy to put at the end of his driveway. He was her son's Boy Scout master, which gave her the excuse to see him a lot. He did NOT want the attention and the other kids in the scout troop made fun of her. She was totally clueless that her behavior was out-of-line.

I did not see that, but I did she her get similarly enamored with a preacher, a much older, married man who was her spiritual guide. She worshipped him as much as she did God. And she would not shut up about him. She was always describing how wonderful he was and what he had to say about this and that. Again, with no self awareness.

Her husband didn't say a word about it being over the top. No idea what he was thinking. But it was obvious to the rest of us that she was way too obsessed.

The preacher kept her in her place as best he could. I don't believe there was anything physical. His wife was always with him, too. The mom kind of included her in the obsession, too.

Something genetic going on here? Or learned behavior?

Maybe you don't want to divorce , but the separation is just going to give her an opportunity to take the affair to a new level.

The options are :

She leaves.

She stops the A , and you try , TRY R.

No separation.

It's learned , they both seem to have deep issues when it comes to seeking validation from other people.

Are they attention hungry people?

Maybe learned behavior..

I love your descriptions of the canary yellow puffy gowns and bright blue gloves...She must be on contact or some other type of isolation? Anyway I wore plenty of these gowns and gloves myself...In my work and also as a caregiver..

I agree with Pricklepatch..

And I am glad you have a lawyer to advise you...If your gut says trust the lawyer, trust her above your WW, family or even us..

Not everybody can enact consequences in a hurry without shooting him or herself in the foot..

BB, sending my sincere prayers to your wife to find clarity & begin healing. Wishing your family only the best

Maybe you don't want to divorce , but the separation is just going to give her an opportunity to take the affair to a new level.

The options are :

She leaves.

She stops the A , and you try , TRY R.

No separation.

I agree

Monday I went into her office to shut down her computer for her.

You guessed it - in plain sight on her monitor was a lovy-dovey, sexy FB chat with one of the guys she bikes with - younger, I think (60?) and a total bike jock. His job is bicycle messenger, specializing in big heavy packages. Classy choice.

The chat was happening as I watched - she on her phone at the hospital, distraught that she was going to have to miss out on all the upcoming bike rides and get-togethers. They said how much they loved each other and made saucy, sexual remarks.

Investigating further on the computer I find a list of things she wrote - things to or consider regarding moving out. Another list of things she wants out of life that she doesn't have. "To have a husband who comes home from work?" (I have an office/studio at home). Huh? It's that big a deal to separate over?

And then I found an email to the landlord of an apartment for rent, wanting to go see the place.

My world died around me.

No one ever wants to believe the unbelievable but and EA with physical contact is almost always a PA.

It may not have been going on long but she's planning a love nest. IMO it's a PA. Hell hes bringing her breakfast?????

monitor her contact with him. i bet you learn alot.

No one ever wants to believe the unbelievable but and EA with physical contact is almost always a PA.

It may not have been going on long but she's planning a love nest. IMO it's a PA. Hell hes bringing her breakfast?????

Yes, I agree

Dying to know if she has been in contact with BikeBoy. I bet he slinks away entirely from her life now.