SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You question,( and some of us here would, I would at least) if the text in question meant what it sounds like it meant. (Sorry, I'm really not trying to be Dr. Suess) anyway, the fact he deleted it does cause suspicion.

I'm sorry.

If it were me I'd tell him I've changed hotels and book him a room in the shittiest hotel in the worst part of the city I could find. Pay for some extra cockroaches in the room. Get one with a strong urine smell for ambience.

MEMORIES

You can thank me later for this excellent advice.

Turn, I think you got the point about not revealing all you know. Reveal very little but say you know everything. That way he doesn't know what you have. If he tries to lie and explain his way out, you will know if he contradicts a fact you have.

That's how it went in my situation. I revealed very little about what I knew. If I hadn't gathered info she didn't know about, I would have believed her "explanations" She was very convincing.

As satisfying as it might be to leave the letter you wrote, I recommend a very short and business-like version (as was recommended by another person.)

Secure your funds as soon as possible.

Good job on sharing with a friend. Friendly support, a sounding board, and sympathy will help a lot.

I know it's awful now. I know what you're going through. All you can do is ride it out. Around week three I started to get equilibrioum - and sleep - back.

One advantage you have (I had this also) is that you are no vacation, so you don't have to deal with a full schedule and work for a while. Get outdoors when you can and get exercise daily.

You might want to read my own account, which has similarities to yours. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=590024: "Watching them, gathering evidence, seething"

Pay for some extra cockroaches in the room. Get one with a strong urine smell for ambience.

TOC, how are you today? We all know this shitstorm sucks. Securing your finances is another great suggestion, if you have any common passwords that you both use, change yours now. I truly hope that he is devastated when he arrives, only to find you gone, but it's best to prepare for the worst case scenario. Write yourself a checklist, it really helps to keep you on target.

In regards to misinterpreting his text, no. I know how badly you want it to be something else, but you knew what it was as soon as you saw it. I'm sorry.

It's also important to know divorce law in your home state. In 'no fault' states, adultery might not make any difference in settlement. But if you end up divorcing on grounds, you probably don't have enough evidence.

You haven't been taking his calls or texts, but I would suggest that you get his confession in writing. Who, what, where, when, and why. Make him answer those questions in a format which can be proved as coming directly from him and which can be produced in court of law if need be. Utilize a less emotional tone, as others have recommended.

Just one thing - there is no way that text meant anything other than exactly what it said, right? "I can't wait to be in you again. xox" It implies intercourse. It implies multiple times. Correct? Could there have been a more perfect text to prove an affair? I think not! His explanation should be priceless.

WH - I sent that message to spice up our love life and then felt foolish after I sent it so I deleted it.

WH - Jack got my Cell and sent that as a joke....you know how Jack can be. I deleted it because I thought you would find it offensive.

WH - I've been reading a very sexual book and it got me thinking and I sent you that text on impulse... I was thinking it would make you think of me more while you were away and help to spice up our vacation together.

WH - I typed or meant to type "I can't wait to be on vacation with you" but that blasted auto correct changed it to "I can't wait to be INSIDE you."

So, yes, he could give you many innocent reasons for sending and deleting that text. And No, none of them are good ones but WH try and OBS WANT to believe so badly that sometimes they work.

I didn't write this to get you questioning if he is cheating... just to show you that they can make excuses for everything. I agree with the other poster that he most likely doesn't want a divorce... he just wanted a plaything and his wonderful wife...this also means he will be even more manipulative to get you back.

I don't think he would be texting OW if he knew you knew so he won't be hiding evidence.

I'd start making appointments for when you are home now. Book that lawyer, make sure your finances are secure. Book that STD check-up...

You seem very strong. This could be because you aren't face to face with him. Keep it that way if you like.

Your message was very good but it came across as a wife that is devastated, that's true and fine but you could send one that came a cross as a secure woman that wants the facts.

Have him email you the timeline if you don't want certain details (what acts did you do) don't ask for them. Ask for what you want but keep it brief and unemotional...(where did you meet?, how often, where?, when, who else knows? why did you do this? why her? ...) ask some questions that you can fact check... did you talk on my b-day? how often did you text?...have him email you what he is willing to do to save the marriage, get everything if writing if that's easiest for you. You decide when you want to talk on the phone or face to face.

hope you got some sleep.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:38 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]

Turn,

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you've been amazingly strong during this time.

You mentioned that you will give him a shot at telling you the truth. But how will you know? The sad fact is that cheaters lie. Look around here. Wayward Spouses or SO's will swear on their children's lives only to be found out later that it was all lies. If you really want the truth, a polygraph might be your best bet. If you ask for one after he's told you his story and he balks, that is very telling. My wife took one and it confirmed that she was honest with me regarding her affair. You can also find out if this was his first time cheating (horrible to think about, I know).

Regardless, please know that cheaters lie. The whole act of an affair, the hiding, etc., is a lie. But when they do talk we so badly want to believe them, that maybe it's not as bad as we envisioned, that we have a tendency to grasp at whatever crumbs they throw our way. Be cautious. Be strong.

You're getting great advice so far and you are miles ahead on your own, too. Just wanted to chime in and agree with the posters who recommended a short letter, very short. Like nightowl advised.

Just as a one sentence text changed your life, one sentence will change his as well.

So sorry.

Hi Everyone - today has been incredibly hectic with work - and it's Sunday! I'm sorry I can't really engage much today because I really want to but a very important meeting for tomorrow has relocated to Spain so it's a flurry of packing, booking tickets and now at airport waiting to catch a flight to Madrid! The good news is I got an amazing night's rest and have barely had time to think about my marital woes! I haven't even told WH of my schedule change yet so you know before he does! Anyway I will check in when I get to Spain and give an update. In the meantime - keep sending me advice. You are my lifeline!

I dont see any reason for you to tell him of the change. The more you can surprise him the less time he has to plan lies to focus on a bs story or anything like that. Try to keep him off balance

TOC

You seem to be softening your stance on divorce and will maybe consider reconciliation depending on your husband's reaction. There have been a few here that have successfully reconstructed their marriage, but I can't remember the names (getting old). Those that did so had a spouse that was totally remorseful, honest and did everything within their power to help their spouse heal. They also were people, like you, who took charge, laid out their terms for reconciliation and stuck to them.

I just wanted to make you aware there have been some successes in case you choose this path. Only you can make that decision.

TurnOtherCheek; The only thing I would put on the note, in large felt tip would be:OOP'S nevermind BITCH!!! and then go dark! No returned calls, make sure the locator function on your cell phone is off. That way he will have no idea where you are or what you are doing. Turn the location part while still at your hotel. That way he can't check location history to see the last place you were was the airport.

When you go dark leaving the hotel and he gets the oop's message the first thing he will try to do is find you. Make it hard. Out the fear in him. When he gets to you he will already be paranoid and that will make him much easier to crack. Best if when he comes to your door you hand him Divorce papers! That WILL be the final blow! He will be coming home scared that you know and the d papers will fry his addled brain. If that doesn't knock him out of the fog Nothing will.

All that being said I hope that there is someone at home that can give you a hug.

TOC, you got the main response exactly right, you are in control. That is the key thing that everything else feeds from. Your WH is feeling that slip away from him.

One thing I'd counsel to not play games and lie back to him. Either speak to him in truth or keep on staying silent. I recommend staying silent. It leaves him completely adrift and disoriented. Any communications will help him tether. When you finally do talk, he is going to try to manipulate you.

when they do talk we so badly want to believe them, that maybe it's not as bad as we envisioned, that we have a tendency to grasp at whatever crumbs they throw our way.

This in spades.

I agree that you should cancel his ticket. Just cancel it, don't play games. It is part of the detaching process. If you play games, it is actively maintaining the connection to him.

As far as giving him a chance to come clean, if it is because you are considering R, then take him all the away to the brink of D, with divorce papers served, and brook nothing but the absolute truth. Do not give away your sources. On this track, I would hire a PI to find out who she was, and more verifiable details to cross-check him.

But I would stick with your plan to D. Ask him nothing, you know more than enough. Just serve him.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:29 PM, September 18th (Sunday)]

Reading your post broke my heart, TOC. I am so, so sorry you're in these shoes again.

Though I am so damn proud of you for the action you immediately took! I agree with others who've advised revealing less in your letter to him. You're a powerhouse, my dear, even with a broken heart. Show him no weakness. He'll use it.

Sending you hugs and strength and powerful thoughts today. You go with your bad self!

Hi Turn, so sorry you are here but glad you found SI. You've had some good advice and you're in a tough place but you need to know however this goes, you will be ok. It's devastating and though it doesn't feel like it right now, you really will survive this. Now you've joined us, we will be here for however long you need us.

The first step is to decide if this is a deal breaker for you and if so then take the steps to end the marriage as quickly as possible. Focus on you, your health (read the 180) and totally ignore him, proceed to serving him with divorce papers and put as much distance between him and yourself as possible. Very many cheaters are shaken by receiving divorce papers and reality kicks in quickly!

If there might be a possibility of reconciliation (and it's your call) then the next step is to get out of the infidelity. You have the evidence of the text, his subsequent behaviour in deleting the text, and the call logs. When you confront him as you will have to (by face or by letter), remember this, cheaters lie, deceive and blame shift. If he is remorseful and ends the A immediately then you might stand a chance of saving your M. You have to decide from here what are deal breakers, continued contact, taking the affair underground etc again it's your call.

1. Confront him and tell him you know he is cheating by letter or in person - do NOT ever reveal your sources of information. Tell him you know everything. Confront him on your terms and where you want

2. Get your lawyer at the ready and your ducks in a row even if you might want to attempt R

3. If he is remorseful he needs to sends an NC letter to the OW and commit to total NC forever which might include changing his numbers or if she is a work colleague then a change of job

4. Informing the OW's partner/spouse if there is one, is necessary

5. Complete transparency with a timeline of events and any and ALL details you want to know

6. Access to his phone, pc etc for as long as you want

7. IC for him plus IC for you

8. MC for both of you

9. You decide who to tell and when

Please get those tests for STDs. You also need a good support system in place for those worse than rough days.....and there will be many on this hellish rollercoaster but when you're walking through hell, keep walking.

Dear Turn, hang in there and stay in control, you are doing great and we're here for you.

((((TurnOtherCheek))))

All, I have finally landed. I am beyond grateful for the thoughts and advice from everyone so far. It has really helped me to formulate a well thought out plan on next steps and has provided info I would have never thought of on my own. So just a bit about me….

Me – 53, 2x married (1st for almost 17 years, didn't end well (do they ever?), tough divorce but I made it as easy as possible by refusing to argue about “stuff.” That made him angrier at times but I wouldn’t engage him over stupid stuff like household items. I just wanted out. I could start over. It was a huge lesson and it was the right thing to do. It all ended reasonably equally and almost 10 years later we are very civil, even kind to each other, and have been able to raise our amazing kids very amicably.) Two kids, mid-20’s.

WH – also 53, 2x married, 1x divorced. 1 grown child. I don’t really know much of the details as it was about 8 years before I met him but my guess is they grew complacent but they are also civil when they see each other. So we don’t have any family drama to speak of, really. We both get along very well with each other’s children.

US – met online, a whole new experience for me after being married for so long. He had dated online before, had a couple long term relationships, up to 3-4 years, but never married again until me. We dated over 2 years and married now almost 6 years. 2 dogs, his and mine.

We both have our own money, kept accounts separate, opened a household account and each contribute equally. We live in his paid-for home so have no mortgage and although I offered to pay all household bills to even things a bit, he wouldn’t hear of it and so we opened the joint account and pay all utilities, groceries from there. We have bought a few big items together – boat, RV – and we evenly contribute to trips although some times I take him away and sometimes he takes me away. So, I am not at all worried about finances or the house. We would only need to split a few items and either one could buy the other out and in the end, I wouldn’t fight about anything anyway. I would just walk away if he wanted to fight over anything. I wouldn’t even care if he decided he wanted back rent after all these years – I offered in the beginning anyway. I doubt he will want that but I’m just pointing out, I don’t think this will be a fight for stuff and I have enough to start over. I assume I am the one who will move out so that is what my plan will include – where to live.

So now it is almost midnight here in Spain – I am actually in Mallorca – so the day did not go at all as planned which I thought was a good analogy for my marriage – not going as planned. But in the morning I wake up overlooking the Mediterranean Sea so change doesn’t necessarily mean bad, right? I guess it is all how you look at it and so that is the view I am going to take. I see change coming. How I deal with it will make all the difference.

Now on to my plan – this detour to Spain has put a kink in the “have him fly out, leave a letter in the hotel for him” plan. I had to check out of the hotel and I don’t plan to go back so now I will have to tell him I had this detour and we will need to get another hotel booked for him (“us”) in London. Because I can't leave a letter now, I will have to notify him of what I know by ….TEXT! How apropos, no? What started as a text ends as a text. Here is the other kink – based on travel times, my work schedule, etc, I will actually be getting on a plane in Spain at about the same time he will be getting off the plane in London so I can’t text him until I get home. This means he will have to sweat it out for a long time until I land. I don’t want to send the text for him to get as soon as he lands so I won’t send it until I am back in the US.

Nightowl – I am very much leaning towards your short message:

Dear (his name),

Your Wife”

So I am proceeding as if my marriage is over and I will have to just deal with it. We had a deal. Deal is broken. Of course I will listen to him – in fact I really want to hear him out and see how he explains himself. Will he man up or will he continue to lie? I seriously want to know his "why." None of it makes sense. I guess in about 3 days I should know. Three very long days!

As I re-read this just now I seem pretty cold and very matter of fact. I guess I might be but I am also very tired, seriously pissed right now and in the light of day, very sad and with a broken heart. I love him. I loved him. He was my perfect companion for these last 7-8 years and life seemed really good. We were awesome travel companions. Just very compatible. (And now come the tears…) I thought I’d get 30 years or more with him. I'll have to settle for 8 and learn to be OK with that.

But life throws you curves and how you deal with it says everything about you. I want to be known for handling things like a champ and so I will throw my shoulders back, hold my head up high and carry on. Sadly, I hope he grovels. I hope he cries and hurts as deeply, if not more deeply, than I do. It would make it easier, make me feel better, make me believe this wasn’t some joke relationship to him and that it really meant something. It would help my self-esteem, too, but I don’t really need his validation, it just would be a nice thing to have.

It’s so stupid to say but I actually feel bad that he has no idea what is about to hit him. I can’t believe what a dumbass he’s been. I couldn’t be more disappointed in him. I hope my text to him is even more shocking than his erroneous text to me! Turnabout it fair play.

Based on looking at the phone records and his text history, something like this was bound to happen eventually. Like I said in a previous post, I could see where he would text me, then her, then me, and on and on, literally carrying two conversations on at once. It’s no wonder he hasn’t sent me a text meant for her before. I wonder if she ever got one meant for me, not that it would hurt…more like “need anything from the grocery store?” Boring stuff. Married stuff. Comfortable relationship stuff. Pouring over those records, I now know he texted her on my birthday, on his birthday, while he was out with me and so on. Nothing was sacred. We haven’t had an anniversary since they seem to have started this but no doubt they would have. Wonder if she even knows when our anniversary is?

So Wednesday is the DD reveal for him. Between now and then I have two full days of meetings, a plane ticket to change for me, a hotel room to book for him, a doctor and lawyer’s appt to make and find time to look for a place to live. And the perfect text to construct that will trigger the end of my marriage. Well, his text did that so I guess mine is the follow-up.

Just another week…not like any other week. I better rest up for it.

Good night, all.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 5:36 PM, September 18th (Sunday)]

You are one strong lady. Hats off.

"I can't wait for you to be out of my life...for good. xox"

Foley, that might be it right there!

"I can't wait for you to be out of my life...for good. xox"

Wowzers!

So sorry you're here

How about

"No promises but you've 48(24,12?) hours to provide, in writing, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Confirmed by polygraph within a further 7(?) days.

Yes or No? No alternative possible."

And, gently, he probably doesn't know why. The truth is probably just that it was possible and he failed to choose not to do it. His ego thought it found a way to boost his self-esteem without hurting you (singular and/or plural) - cheats never think they will get caught (unless they want to be.)

Again, gently, can you access older records? This may well be his first betrayal, but the one I discovered wasn't. By the way - I found out because my (science teacher) XW made just one stupid mistake, it's so often the case.