SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I might add to Foley's post. "You couldn't wait to be in her, and I can't wait for you to me out of my life." And add a picture of the text, just so there is no confusion on his part. You are my hero!

If you don't know the phone number, then at least it's not the last item.

Of course, the phone number could be for a burner phone, so you can't assume that just based on the number. This could especially be true if the OW is married.

You, lady, are a rockstar!

Him? Seems like he has a repeating pattern of getting bored after a few years. Disappointing. There are better men out there.

My advice? Jettison your long letter. It reveals too much and gives openings for manipulative bullshit on his part.

"Hello John,

I know you've always felt strongly that cheating was a deal breaker. Looks like we are there now. I honestly thought you were better than this.

TOC"

My guess is that he will not be surprised to get this communication from you. I'd put money down that he's been here before.

Doesitstop11 - BRILLIANT!

"You couldn't wait to be in her, and I can't wait for you to me out of my life." And add a picture of the text, just so there is no confusion on his part.

That just might be the text right there!

Before I went to sleep last night/early this morning, I sent an email to my gf the attorney. Now 2 friends know and I can see this will be exhausting - having to tell everyone and going over this again and again. I hesitated sending it but I figured hesitation was because I knew once I did I was really heading down the path of divorce. I briefly explained what happened and asked her if she would please start the paperwork and that I wanted it to be as quick as possible. This morning I see she has tried to call me so she must have gotten it, was as shocked as #1 friend I told and wanted to talk but i had turned my phone ringer off so I could sleep. She ended her VM saying she preferred to talk first but will go ahead and start the process for me - free of charge. I love my friends but of course I won't hear of her doing this for free!

One thing on my to do list...done. Progress. Still, this is one big pile of suckage!

It totally sucks. But you are going to get spaceghost reputation here. And I realize that's not something you ever wanted but you are a rock star.

I kinda get the feeling that you think you've only got 1 option now that your attorney friend knows. This isn't the case at all. No one will think any less of you if you change your mind at some point. This is your life and ultimately you have to be comfortable with your decisions. Having your paperwork ready to file is a smart move, but you can stop it at any time.

Alaska77 - that's the second reference I have heard of SpaceGhost. How do I find that - find that thread? Other than reading things chronologically, I haven't spent a lot of time here and don't recall that screen name.

Here you go. Like a boss. Respect.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&HL=46539

You, girl, are amazing. Here is space ghost, your male counterpart of SI fame:

https://207.235.44.251/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1

nme1 -

I kinda get the feeling that you think you've only got 1 option now that your attorney friend knows. This isn't the case at all. No one will think any less of you if you change your mind at some point. This is your life and ultimately you have to be comfortable with your decisions. Having your paperwork ready to file is a smart move, but you can stop it at any time.

Yes, that is how I felt when I was contemplating sending the attorney email. This is it. I'm surrendering. Waving the white flag. Giving up.

I went back and read all the messages sent to me and realized exactly what you said. More than anything, it's one more action that keeps me in the power position. Signals to him that I am not fucking around, and believe me, I am not fucking around. Still, it hurts. I hurt. It says to me that my marriage was a sham. I got played. I made a bad choice in choosing him. How did I get it so wrong?

Feeling pretty blue today...

Thank you, Alaska and Hawke. I have to get ready for my busy day but looks like I have some reading tonight. Maybe someone can tell SpaceGhost about me and he can lend some advice, not that I'm not getting awesome advice from everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I sure don't feel like all the wonderful things you are saying about me but it helps. (I wanted to type "xox" but that just hurts now.)

I clearly need to learn how to use this quote function.

This morning I also texted WH - said I would have called but didn't want to risk waking him. Told him what happened...well, here is the text

"Hey there, crazy day. Found out meeting with XX, my big meeting, had to be moved to Spain because "client" has a family emergency and can't come to London now. Didn't want to cancel meeting so asked if we could come to them. Would have called but it was really early your time when it all happened and then it was an insane day of switching all around and getting to Spain. I arrived late last night and literally crashed when I got here. We need to book a hotel in London now. If you have time, can you look at options and do that? We just need two nights. I still have to make flight arrangements back to London so not sure when I arrive. Will let you know. Another crazy day today, already off and running. Ciao for now."

I'm trying to make it not seem like anything is wrong but normally I would add love notes. I just can't do it! It literally ties my stomach in knots. Ugh......

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 12:30 AM, September 19th (Monday)]

If you go to your profile and search spaceghost, you can find his story. If you click on it, you can read it with just his posts highlighted which can save you time. He hasn't updated in a long time. I think I remember reading that he wasn't entirely happy with how it played out.

Personally, I think the power of spaceghost's story lies in how he got control of the situation so quickly. He went with a method of shock and awe that resulted in a remorseful WW who did not trickle truth and would have done anything to save the marriage. And a lot of people felt that she should have been given that chance.

Every day, people wind up here totally paralyzed by fear. They are so scared to demand that the affair end and they wallow around hoping their WS will get their head out of their ass and pick them. And it never works. What has a much greater chance of successful reconciliation is when the BS makes it crystal clear that they are now calling the shots and will determine the future course. As others have said, there's no shame in trying to work it out. There's no shame in staying. But your early moves are critical to stopping the trickle truth and shocking a WS out of their ridiculously selfish wayward mindset.

I wish I was half as strong as you are!

I got played and played and played. I wish I would have taken control of my life the way you are.

Please keep posting...perhaps some of your strength will trickle through my iPad and make it into me.

BTW, I am also 53 and this is not my first rodeo either.

Nice job. Many waffle and let their fear control them. Your strength will get you through this.

Filing up front will start the clock ticking and say you mean business.

If you change your mind you can always slow it or stop if things warrant it. If not you're ahead of the game.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 12:36 AM, September 19th (Monday)]

You are doing great! Are you going to do the revelation that you know by leaving a note at the hotel? When will he be arriving?

"You couldn't wait to be in her, and I can't wait for you to me out of my life." And add a picture of the text, just so there is no confusion on his part.

I like this way better than the emotional letter. It's perfect but realize that it may end things right there. He might beg for forgiveness, and you might shut him down... but you may never get the story of what happened.

Is that ok with you? Many people need the story for closure (it doesn't always give them closure)but they need to hear what happened so they can figure out with why it happened (which also doesn't really happen).

Do you need/want this? Do you need/want him to write out a timeline of who/what/when/where/how often? Is it something you need to heal or can you move on without it?

If this is something you want/need I would rather him work on it while on "vacation" and flying back... then try to TT on the fly when he gets home. Consider a simple second message (after he bombards you with texts) that states you do not promise to forgive him but that a timeline that includes... would go a long way in helping you heal....

The similarity I see in your story and SpaceGhosts is that they had a great marriage but she still chose to cheat...just because. They also had cheating as a deal breaker... and yet she cheated. It might help you to see that your marriage was all that you though it was... he is just broken.

You are doing great.

I agree that you should cancel his ticket. Just cancel it, don't play games. It is part of the detaching process. If you play games, it is actively maintaining the connection.

I know I am in the minority here, but I have to agree with the advice above from HouseofPlane.

Having your H fly in, to only find you gone, seems like game playing. I get that it is a great "I showed HIM" type of fantasy, but still, game playing. Is that who you are?

I totally understand you want to regain some control of what seems to be an out of control situation, but is this how you want to do it?

It seems to me a position of strength would be:

1. Hire a PI now, while you are gone, so you can get all the information you need

2. Draw up divorce papers.

3. Cancel his ticket at the last minute.

4. Have him served when he arrives at the airport.

That may seem like game playing, but he won't have an overseas flight and wander around London looking for you/worried about you. I am pretty sure that would PISS him off, maybe beyond R if there is a tiny piece of you that may consider it some day.

Just my two cents. I am so sorry you find yourself here. I wish you only the best. I am glad you have found SI. They helped me immensely when I Just Found Out".

[This message edited by Ginny at 8:34 AM, September 19th (Monday)]

Turn Other Cheek,

I don't have a lot of advice to offer as I am only a few weeks ahead of you in this process. A lot of your story hit home with me. I started reading your post and was shocked that the wording of the text was nearly identical to the one I read on my WH's phone. Reading your description of the moments and hours immediately following this made we want to cry again.

I don't know what I would do, cancel the ticket or let him travel and not find you. Both are appealing. Do what suits YOU the best. From a practical standpoint, I would think taking advantage of having the time in your home to look over things, perhaps talk to a lawyer, would be an advantage. I get that it may seem like game playing, but I say, if it gives you an advantage of some kind, so what.

My heart really goes out to you. As I said, I'm just in the midst of it to. Big hug to you!

H