SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't think it's playing a game. I think it's buying her some time to get her stuff out of his house without him there. And it's terribly inconvenient for him to have to fly there and fly back. Just like all the inconvenient things she now has to do like STD testing.

Hey TOC, sorry you are navigating this shitstorm while trying to be effective on international travel. I have done the navigating, and done the travel, and certainly wouldn't want to do both together!

I do think you are setting up to yank his chain. I think that's OK, you certainly didn't want this situation. Finding out at the last minute before a trip would be awful, and I think you deserve time at home to both do some investigation and also get your feet settled under you. You wouldn't get either if he was alerted.

My best guess is that you will buy a day or less to take stock and make preparations before he gets home. Given what you say about the house ownership it seems to me that you should gather some comfort items and get the hell out, at least for a while. I am glad you are proceeding with D stuff, which can always be stopped if you decide to do so later.

Any chance you can wrap up the post-trip business followup and then take a week off? Get away, maybe with a friend, to someplace on your to-go list you either haven't been recently or have always wanted to go? I hope so.

Here's the thing, it all comes down to remorse. If he were truly remorseful, he would admit to what he has done. He knows you know but he is playing you as a fool because he is not remorseful. You do absolutely no favors for him whatsoever. Have him fly there when you are flying back and pack all his shit and put it on the curb.

I am sincere when I say I appreciate all the advice and the different perspectives. It does seem to be all over the place which makes my head spin a bit but I am 100% set on having him come here while I go home. He has been in the house alone almost a week now knowing that possibly something is up and I need to have some time on my own there to get myself organized for next steps.

I wonder if he can imagine how hard this has been for me once he finds out? Alone working in Europe knowing my husband is home indulging in his stupid affair while I have meticulously organized an amazing vacation for us here. I imagine he and whoever she is are filling up on each other since he'll be away for almost 3 weeks and I'm not there to hinder that. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Just writing that out makes me want to throw up. I am literally sick to my stomach. So tough if it seems I'm "playing games." This is my fucking life. My marriage! He is the one playing the biggest game of all. Can you tell I'm pissed as hell today?!

Am I worried this will keep us from having any chance at R? Was he worried when he decided to fuck someone else?

Am I worried he gets angry and throws a hissy fit and makes it tough on me? Does he have any clue how angry and profoundly sad he has made me? Good thing I don't need him or his money. Wanting him was another thing but needing him? NAH!

I'm going to take care of ME. He's a big boy. He can figure out how to get home from an English speaking country on his own. He can suffer through the tortuous long flight knowing his world has been turned upside down and has no idea what he will find when he gets home. This is his bed. He made it. He can deal with it.

So screw him. Screw her, whoever she is. Today, I say she can have him. I'm awesome! He lost a good thing!!!!

Sayonara, mother fucker!

And now I'm off to enjoy a nice meal harbor side here in Spain. There will be wine. Lots of it!

Adios for now.

You ARE fucking awesome.

Have you tried searching the phone number on facebook? A lot of people have their phone number on facebook, and the account will come up when you search the number.

If not, you can easily pay to find out who it is, and its not expensive to do.

TOC

Help with quotes- Of course you copy and paste the text as normal. Highlight the text in your post and then click the quote button on left.

Everyone is telling you you are doing remarkably well in handling your situation because most people are so shocked and pissed off that they can't think straight.

I understand why you have chosen divorce and wholeheartedly support your decision. Based on your posts it's easy to see that you prefer to take the high road and avoid anger and unnecessary conflict. The move to Spain has caused problems with your original plan and required you to message your husband when no contact would have been the preferred action.

My thinking is that you will have probably 1 day before your husband returns to the states to get your possessions out of his house. Is that enough time? If not, you will still have to confront him. Maybe the high road would be to cancel his ticket at the last minute and when you arrive home have a friend meet you and take you to a hotel. Having him fly to London will just give him a reason to be angry with you over the expense and deception. Not that he would have a valid argument, but it muddies the situation and you can bet that he will latch on to anything he can to turn some of the blame back on you. I understand the feeling of satisfaction it will give you to deceive him, just as he's deceived you, but does it accomplish what you want it to.

Everyone here agrees that he needs to be punished for his affair, especially you, and he will be. It appears to me that he will be losing the best woman he had ever hoped to find and a wonderful future with you. Most cheaters never intended to leave their spouse so I'm guessing that you divorcing him and letting the world know that he is a cheater will impact his life and psyche significantly. You will both be hurting, but he will carry the shame of his affair and you can hold your head high.

TOC

Wow, I never would have truly put into perspective the long and torturous flight home, as you did. Good Job! I mean, those of us who suffer being the BS, knowing what's going on and not being able to "prove" it or bust it wide open, it is just that .... torturous! And now, he gets it right back!

I hear you. I remember the night I stayed up ALL NIGHT long, with the gps, watching my WS knowing he was effing somebody else and not being able to do a damn thing because he was hours and hours away. I think back and wish I would have jumped in the car to pound the fucking door down, it would have been an all night drive for me, they would have been just waking, if the slept at all, by the time I got to him. However, I was sure he would come home to confess, because it just wasn't like him.

Oh, God, bringing it up again is awful. Anyhow, I'm for you all the way, no matter your final act, you are showing him what your made of. Well Done!

TOC - I know your heart is breaking. im so sorry honey.

i wish i had done all these things like you did. you are an SI rockstar. i know it hurts so so much. (TOC)

TOC-you are a rock star.

Why don't you buy yourself some time in the house to gather your things, and tell him to invite his whore to join him on the vacation?

Keep up the good work. We are all rooting for you. When does it all go down?

You go with your bad self!!

I aspire to your level of kicking-ass if any man ever tries to do this to me again. :) You give strength a new definition my dear.

Yes! Such a good way to look at things! Hang in there! You got this!

I had a kick ass day today. I have been preparing for weeks, maybe months for a major meeting and I fucking nailed it today. It was empowering. The response was overwhelming and I did it with a broken heart and wounded spirit and not a soul in that room knew it. That is kicking heartache in the ass! I hope everyone in here gets a chance to show the world how much you rock! Because you do, each and every one of you.

My last update totally nailed how I felt at that moment. I came out of the full day's meeting reminded that I am totally capable, smart, loyal and dedicated. I am fucking wonder woman!!! Not only in business but in my personal life as a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend and lover. I am all those things! I was dedicated to my husband. I was capable and total willing to make our relationship the best it could be and damn, I was loyal to a fault.

But here's the honest truth - I am a mess. My heart hurts more than it ever has. I feel lost. I physically ache. My soul is so wounded I'm not sure it will recover. I let myself be fooled. I question my self-worth. I'm embarrassed. I question my value. How could I be so stupid in the end?

My head is keeping it all straight because i know I am none of those things but my heart makes me question everything. It's a hell of a conflict and makes me upset that I put so much stock into how someone else's actions could make me feel this way about myself. But in the end I know, I am only human after all. Other people affect me. It's just the way it is. I'll be OK, I just needed to wallow for a minute. I'm glad I'm not heartless. My heart actually feels things. It means I'm alive and I care. I'm not so sure I can say that about him. Or her.

About that text. Wow, when I look at the pic of the text, I am amazed how much damage so few words have caused in my life. "I can't wait to be inside you again...xox." At first blush, each and every word was a knife to the heart. Then the word "again" literally brought me to my knees. This was no ONS. This was a relationship! Now? Now the "xox" implies he felt affection for her. Tonight - that hurts more than anything. A term of endearment. Affection. Love. Hugs and kisses.

Damn....

So this is how it will go down. Tomorrow I wrap up my trip. Tomorrow evening my time, he starts his journey to London. He arrives into London on Wednesday afternoon. On Wednesday morning, I start my journey back to the US. Right now I think I will actually call him during my flight connection in the US. I haven't heard his voice in a week (and damn, I miss it.). I really think this needs to be done by phone. I don't want anything lost in translation. Right now he doesn't know what time I am due back into London so he won't suspect anything until I call and tell him I'm not coming. I have checked flight schedules. He won't be able to get back until late the next day at the very earliest so I have over 24 hours to get home, get my clothes out, a few other precious items, my dog and head to a temp location.

I'll tell him I'm willing to talk eventually. I'm willing to hear his explanation if he wants to give one but I'm moving out. I'll tell him I have set the process in motion for filing for divorce. I'll tell him I'm going to withdraw 1/2 of the joint account and then I am going to take my name off the account. We can reconcile whatever I owe from incoming bills later.

I have the next 2.5 weeks off so I also plan to take at least a week and go on some sort of vacation to try to start the healing process. A yoga or spa retreat? A quiet island retreat? Who knows? Wherever it is it will offer some sort of healing. I might go alone. I might ask friends to join me but no matter what, he is not invited. I don't plan to tell him where I am or contact him until I get back. He shouldn't bother me. He shouldn't try to find me. No one will know where I am.

When I get back, we can talk. Until then, he can think about the situation and what he wants to say to me. He should be nothing less than completely honest with me if he is half the man I think he is.

I will tell him how much he has hurt me. I will tell him how much I loved him. I will tell him I am heartbroken. And then I'll let him go.

TOC

Good luck.Keep us posted. I wish that I had my shit together as much as you when I Just Found Out.

Are you prepared for a story? What if it's a good one?

Strength!

TOC, you are my absolute hero.

That last post is the most moving thing I have ever read on SI; you know yourself so well. You are an amazing role model for how to feel the pain and the truth, and honor oneself.

I'll tell you one thing that popped into my head as I read that last post. Many of us here fantasize a vengeance on the OW, or at least, having the OW hit straight between the eyes as to how they are so wanting as decent human beings, given their decision to engage in the deceit and ultimate pain that another human being will feel when the affair is uncovered.

But I imagine, when your husband realizes he has been found out, the way he dumps his sidepiece will make it clear to OW that once the unicorn fart fantasy was busted, that she was nothing compared to you.

TOC

Ok, I take my last post back. You have engineered the best way to handle the situation. You know him and you know yourself.

Spaceghost - You actually replied on his post. Go to your profile by clicking on your name and select "view recent posts". His post will show up at the bottom " Thought we had a good marriage ". Click on it and read away.

Deserta - yes, thanks. I saw that someone bumped his post so I could easily find it. Has been such a long day that I haven't had time to read it yet but I will. Thanks, again.

TOC, you are doing an amazing job keeping it together and planning a strategic counterpunch. Congratulations on nailing your presentation. After what you have been through that is indeed a huge accomplishment.

Please cover yourself when you go away to start your healing. Can he locate your phone remotely? Is he able to track your credit card charges to identify your locations?

Wishing you the very best luck. He has lost an amazing woman.

TOC, w are all rooting for you! Let us know what happens.

My WH and I have separate accounts including credit cards so he can't track me that way. I'll be closing out my debit card to our joint account so he won't get any info that way. He also has an iPhone while I have an Android so I am not sure we can track each other? I have gone through and changed passwords on my email account, FB page, Instagram just in case he knows how to get into those accounts like I know how to access his. Before I take off on Wed, I will also block him on social media.

Either way, I will be sure to turn off my location tracker and will likely mostly keep my phone off. Who knows, maybe I'll just go get a new number. I have the only log-in for our mobile phone bill but I also doubt he would even think of that. I suppose he could hire a PI to follow me but I doubt he will recover fast enough to start thinking of such a thing before I am dust in the wind.

I am going to ask him to please respect my need for this healing time, to understand what a horrible wreck I have been since I found out, what an intense week it has been for me even without this discovery and how much harder this revelation has made it on me so please, please give me space.

Interestingly enough, I logged into our mobile phone account again. Looks like no contact since late Saturday night. Wow 1.5 whole days with no contact. Of course, that could just mean she's with him but it's the longest trend I have noticed over these months. Pouring over the phone calls, they have had some very long calls, even in the middle of the day. I can't ever remember when he and I spoke on the phone for 49 fucking minutes in the middle of the day or ever! While he was at work!!! I imagine he told them he was on a conference call or something.

I have been searching for temporary housing on HomeAway and AirBnB because you can get fully furnished rentals and there is so much out there I don't think this will be hard but right now I plan to just put things in storage until I get back from wherever I find myself going to heal.

So, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you want to go? I have always swooned over those over-the-water bungalows in Tahiti. How pathetic to go alone though, right? Anyone know a great yoga retreat? Maybe a health spa so I come back glowing and slimmer and more beautiful than ever (although I am probably already down 10 lbs. just this week alone.) Make his ass sorry for fucking this up.

OK, 1:40AM here in Spain. Taking my ass to bed now. In the famous words of the legendary Bette Davis - "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night."