SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That was a very informative post, devoted man, like some earlier in the thread.

TOC, a deal breaker is a deal breaker. As I posted earlier I said that adultery was a deal breaker for me but I didn't know what I was talking about. I had no idea what discovering adultery really meant. You did and do. You have been through it before and it was etched in stone.

You will have times of uncertainty and wondering if you are doing the right thing. This is a massive, highly personal decision. You know what is right for you. You have started D proceedings. Continue.

Your WH is very much in "regret" mode, IMO. That's regret at getting caught and not about what he has done. It's far too early for him to get out of the fog and find remorse. He is in the panic phase as another poster referenced above. Damage control and hoovering. That doesn't mean he won't get there but he isn't there yet and after being on this board for a while it seems to me that it takes some time for many WSs to get to that point.

R isn't possible until the WS has really hit remorse. Healing takes 2 to 5 years (generally stated time frame here on SI) after the WS "gets it", has remorse and is all in. I believe it will also may take that long to heal with D. Especially long if the BS never gets a chance of closure (WS leaves).

You aren't a coward for leaving. You aren't a coward for staying. All of us are trying to do the best we can with what we have. Most of us didn't have a guide or script to use if this ever happened to us. You did. You got it the hard way. You made a definite decision. Your WH was fully clear on the consequences. It isn't a wrong decision. In time you may change your mind but it should only be if you think that it will be better for you if you reverse your decision.

It's your life, TOC, as you know. The decisions you make should be about what is best for you. No one else. Not WH. I wish you clarity of thought and strength of mind of which I believe you have plenty of both.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TOC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

So sorry TOC. It is excruciating to read. At times I find myself rooting for the other team (betrayers) and this is one of those times. HOWEVER, then I realize this is not a romantic-comedy and the reality is very tragic. No happy endings here. Even in R, the action canNOT be forgotten. At least in my case. It NEVER goes away. If I knew about SI at the time, and could've been reading and getting the support back then, I would've left, too.

But because I said I would try, I feel the obligation to do so. So here I am, in a sort of purgatory. Things are good, yes...but it will NEVER BE THE SAME. It will be an asterisked marriage. From here on out.

You will eventually move on and put this behind you. I envy that.

The biggest hugs {{{TOC}}}!

Keep journaling here. We'll help give you strength.

💕

((((TOC))))

((((TOC))) my heart hurts for you.

Hugs, well wishes and strength to you TOC.

There are so many tough threads to read here at SI, but this one has been one of the toughest as you are able to convey your horrible pain with such clarity.

I have chosen a different path, but I totally understand your decision and am awed by your strength and your care and protection of your self as you move on.

I'm always amazed how the dialogue of every WS is so hauntingly similar. I got the "the A wasn't worth it" line too. But this tragedy has been clear since the start - as you noted often - you were previously betrayed and your WS knew it.

I don't know how it happened.

If his brain is that defective, he should be institutionalized. If he doesn't really believe that, but thinks it's worth seeing whether you do, that means he thinks your brain is that defective. Either way, why bother?

(((TOC)))

As painful as that conversation was for you I believe that you were able to give yourself some closure. He gave you answers, maybe not completely honest answers...(I don't know why, or I liked the attention). You know that he didn't consider anything beyond his immediate gratification and that you and your marriage didn't rate a thought.

Hopefully it was cathartic and your yoga class helped you to regain your balance.

Why are you talking to him? To you, it does not matter whether he is remorseful or not, right? Then stop talking to him.

For the record, from that conversation... he is. I know you probably want people on here to tell you he's an asshole. I know, because I was you. I was outraged and when I posted here, I wanted outraged responses. I tried to look for ways to be outraged by the conversation you posted. But, he's not blaming you, he's not really lying even though you desperately seem to want him to be lying (her sending him a text that he didn't respond to doesn't count as "being in touch" to me, either), and I think he's genuinely crushed. Don't get me wrong, that's not enough. He needs to do much more and he may not know what it is he needs to be doing (he doesn't have SI). He DOES have an arrogant streak, as when he was surprised you filed for divorce. But he's not a bad candidate for reconciliation, if you were interested in that.

But you're NOT... right? So why torture yourself? It will only make things more difficult for you if you let him back in. It's much easier to stay gone now than to have to leave later. I suspect you are like most people and just have a small doubt in the back of your mind, but if you could catch him in another lie or continued contact, you could be certain you have chosen the right path. But you might not get that, from the looks of things. Think about whether you really need it.

You have acted with textbook perfection up to this point. I wish I and many others would have had your strength. So keep drawing on that strength, and if it's over, let it be over. NC NC NC.

[This message edited by annanew at 1:54 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]

My last post crossed over yours, TOC, so I hadn't read it until now.

Like annanew posted, I think your WH is getting close to "getting it'. There wasn't a lot of I, I, I or me, me, me in his conversation. I didn't detect any blameshifting, gas lighting or minimizing. Does it matter? That is still up to you. If it's a dealbreaker its a dealbreaker.

You will have second thoughts and "if onlys" and "what ifs". That can't be helped, IMO.

As I posted - wishing you clarity of thought and strength of mind.

annanew,

Thanks for the tough love. It's torture whether I speak to him or not. This way I get some closure. It is what it is. The end result is the same.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 3:01 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]

I think the conversation was good. Regardless of if you want to Reconcile or not... there are some things that needed to be said and you said them. It's hard not to want closure even if you know you will never get it. To hope for some type of explanation when there really isn't any. You are still doing great. I don't think I could have held NC for as long as you did. This was your husband and a man you planned to spend the rest of your life with. It's only natural to miss the future you planned to have and question why...and who better to ask then the one that caused it's destruction. We could have all told you what he would say...but you really needed to hear it from him.

.....Added later......

This is off topic but it's something that has really bothered me about your WH. It looks like he went full remorse and threw OW under the bus as soon as you found out.... so in one sense it's like she meant nothing to him. Yes, he took her out, and "played family" but it was over the second you saw that text.

What I don't get is why he let it continue after "Bob" found out. Why it continued with Bob telling him it's wrong and to stop. That Bob wasn't that eye opener, I'm about to lose everything moment. That makes me think there was more to the relationship...that he knew what he was risking for this OW... and did it anyway.

Did you ask him anything about this? Or get some understanding of why? how? Did he plan to ever break it off himself?

Hugs

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:54 AM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

Me: We had a deal. Cheating means it's over. Why shouldn't that apply to your cheating?

WH: It should. I just never imagined. I'm so sorry. Is there any hope? Am I not worth even considering trying?

This response from him pretty much sums up his belief that you would forgive him if you ever found out. How does he get to think that you are the bad guy here for not thinking he is worth trying to fix what he decimated?

In the conversation I saw a lot of attempts at minimising which you shut down instantly, especially the it was only 4 months. He also defended Candy and that must have hurt you. (TOC)

He also lied about the fact that she had tried to make contact and continued to until you forced him to confess.

The whole I didn't love her and she isn't special thing hurts so much. To me it devalued our relationship all the more because he threw me aside for no one special. It also made me think that he could do it again because she could have been anyone.

I hope you have something lovely planned for your day. You deserve it after such an emotional night.

TOC - I'm about a decade older than you are, and have been thru multiple betrayals years ago.

After decades of being single I married my now DH. We have only been together about 6 years and obviously have no children together.

I love him dearly and we have a great life together. BUT - and this is one big BUT - if he cheated on me I literally would never speak to him again.

I've been cheated on. I know the horrible pain and suffering that it entails. My DH does too. In my mind - and I've told him this - his cheating on me would be the equivalent of beating me to a pulp with his fists.

I could NEVER accept any man who violently physically abused me. So why would I accept a man who abused me by his actions?

I know that people choose to reconcile after spending sometimes decades together, being financially dependent, having children together, etc. But there is no way on earth that I would ever want to reconcile with someone who stabbed me in the back after I told them how vulnerable I was.

When one does not have decades of previous happiness or children together and both know how painful cheating could be - that's when I find reconciliation to be absurd.

I am financially independent. I do not need a man to support me. Not to sound like a narcissist but I am attractive for my age and men really like me. If I wanted to cheat I could do it easily - but I am NOT a hobag so that's not for me. But I would not have to be alone long unless I wanted to be.

I LOVE my life with my DH. But I would no longer love that life if he stabbed me in the back.

As an older person I have a relatively few number of years left. I want to spend them being happy - not trying to find happiness in a shit situation.

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 6:24 PM, October 15th (Saturday)]

TOC

I completely ageee with others who say ur husband is not lying at this point and very remorseful. You are 53 yrs old and been cheated on twice. Do you really believe that the next person that comes along will not be capable of cheating too? Everyone of us has it in us to cheat. Human. We are all human and make bad choices but I am Christian and believe that everyone is deserving of another chance. Yes there are many WS that do not but I believe yours does.

I may be the only one on here that is hoping to see you R. Something just tells me this man does love you but his own lack of self esteem and insecurity made him make a bad decision. Is it possible you could rebuild? Only u know that. but when your anger subsides and time has healed you will u look back and wonder "what if"? Your so right it's a long hard road to R I'm one year in but many days go by when I don't even think about it and my WS ruly has become a new man in so many ways.

Continue your healing and going forward with the divorce but make sure before you close that door that you won't be sorry you did

Peace and love

Oh man, that conversation was heart wrenching. I'm really feeling for you TOC and hope you got the answers and closure you need. I do NOT feel like WH is remorseful. Remorseful would be forthcoming with information that she contacted him, remorseful would have ended the affair immediately up being caught by Bob, remorseful would have come clean when he realized he 'screwed' up his text and sent it to the wrong person, remorseful would have come to you immediately upon realizing "he liked the attention" so you two could have circumvented this shit storm. He might be sorry and sad he hurt you, but I do not sense remorse yet. Maybe because he's desperately afraid and panicked, who knows.

Hugs to you and I hope you have clarity and discernment as you forge through the painful days ahead. This just sucks!

I DO NOT believe that a man who knows of your past history (of being devastated by cheating) and then chooses to cheat for MONTHS actually loves you.

I love and respect my DH. I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams making a decision to cheat for months and months.

One can make a stupid decision with a ONS - but to continue for months is a conscious decision to ignore the feelings of someone that one is supposed to love and respect.

Someone who is willing to destroy another person DOES NOT LOVE THAT PERSON.

(((TOC)))

That was heart breaking to read.

For those that would like TOC to choose R shouldn't her wh have to earn it first?

It's too soon to even think about it and he would probably take it for granted and do it again if she offered that gift to him right now.

Bless your heart TOC I hope today is better than last night.

toc - my heart breaks for you.

take care of yourself.

much love.