SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all. I'm 30yo and my wife is too. We have been together for 10 years and been married for almost 2.

Saturday she comes to me in tears because she wanted to tell me she cheated on me with her boss on a business trip 3 months ago. She also said she found a place to live for the meantime so she can try to understand why she did it and what she wants (also not knowing how I would react to the news). She has been seeing a therapist since she cheated and the therapist told her not to tell me. I asked her if she had feelings for her boss, "I don't know", and I asked her why, "I don't know but I was very drunk." She got very drunk a couple years ago at a friend's wedding and made out with a guy. It really bothered me but I put it past me as a one time thing after we spoke about it.

I told her I need her to not work for her boss anymore and that I don't want her to leave for the other place. She agreed to both initially. Later she asked me if I thought we would ever be the same as we used to be, so I told her probably not but we could come close. She made a comment that she needs to think about what to do about work. I blew up on her and told her I don't want to be with someone who can't prioritize us over work, at best, and at worst, over the dude she's cheating with. She came back to me later saying that she had spoken to her therapist and that she was going to request a boss change at work. She told me she was committed to trying to make this work.

She also made a list of things that she wanted to work on/had been bothering her up till the cheating. The list is: be more together (ie she feels "alone" in our relationship as we don't share a ton of hobbies/interests so she wants to find some that we can enjoy together), she wants deeper conversations (ie more than the "how was your day" etc), she wants to try to rekindle the flame of a new romance by making a bigger effort to date each other and do fun things. I was honestly pretty happy before and didn't have much to add (although I did make a list of activities I would be interested in doing with her and a HUGE list of fun date night ideas).

I have no idea what I think. I'm extremely sad and don't know what to do. I love her very much but I don't know if I could ever trust her again. She seems remorseful (the most when I am in tears and visually upset) sometimes and others just same old same old (which I am having a hard time processing). She almost seemed more remorseful for the making out than this. I want to believe that she is committed to us but I can't go through this all again.

As an aside, I am feeling lots of emotions right now: anger, deep sadness, and a strange one, jealousy. I think that last one stems from us having met early on in life and being (up until the cheating) our first and only sexual partners. I don't want to have someone else, but the thought has sometimes come across of what others are like. When I look at her I know I'm not her only anymore and this really really bothers me (stupid, I know. If I was dating I wouldn't expect or even want others to be virgins but for some reason it bothers me with her).

Sorry for all the rambling and back story, does anyone have any insight? Thanks!

Is the boss married or does he have a SO. If so, inform her immediately. Second, she has to quit that job and go strict no-contact. This is non-negotiable. Third, all access/passwords to her social media, email, etc. has to be available to you.

Hi, so sorry you are here, glad you found us.

If your wife is truly remorseful, she will quit her job today or request an immediate transfer.

Is her boss married?

Find a good IC for yourself.

BTW, if she moves out, it will be a free pass for her to see her affair partner without having to lie about her whereabouts.

Don't allow her to blame you or the marriage for her affair. She chose to cheat, she could have suggested counseling, more communication, or tried to encourage other activities by planning them herself.

[This message edited by annb at 9:24 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Spammer

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:50 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Sorry you are here but you will gets lots of good advice and folks who are very sympathetic to what you are going through. Others will give you lots of pointers and good direction; take what works for you and don't get too worried if you don't feel comfortable doing some things others suggest. That being said be willing to listen/read with an open mind and understand that everyone here has been through this before and speaking from experience.

I will throw out a couple quick thoughts... Changing bosses is a meaningless gesture, as long as she is working at the same place there is going to be a problem; she is in no position to make any lists or requests refarding your relationship right now; she is most likely not tell g you everything - expect "trickle truth; the counselor she is seeing is crap and the moving out is NOT so she can figure herself out - it is for freedom to do what she wants without you being around.

While I am generally an advocate of at least making a run at reconciling; it only works when a wayward spouse is 100% remorseful and all in to fix the mess they created. Does not sound like your wayward is there yet...

Exposure is your friend in this case. The only reason not to expose right away is if you are planning on divorcing her. Gather as much info as you can and contact your wife's company. I know you will probably feel this will hurt the marriage but honestly if you ever want to kill a affair dead in its tracks exposing is the way to go. Even if she decided to divorce the negative effects from the exposure would really make it difficult for her to keep seeing her boss.

On the other side of this its good she came and told you but I wouldn't trust to much in any thing she has said. For me transferring in the company would not be good enough.

Don't commit to reconciling or divorcing right away. let her know this isn't a one way street. She needs to understand your on the fence as well and you will need time to figure out what you want now.

I am sorry your going through this.

C

I hate being negative, but I'm also a realist. If you read just about any stories here from other members, you'll notice a trend. When you first find out about the affair or one night stand, you'll only get a very small part of the truth. You need to prepare yourself in case there is more to her story. It's very unlikely she's told you everything at this early stage of disclosure. What starts out with her saying it was a drunken one night stand evolves into a "couple of times", then eventually a couple months, then.......

It sucks that you've unwittingly joined our club here. None of us asked for this, and it sucks. But you'll have good support here, and a lot of good advice. Most people want others to survive this and be happy if possible, while at the same time making sure you protect yourself.

Thanks everyone! Her boss is not married and does not have a SO. My wife recently became his report so I do (maybe I just want to) believe her about this being a one night thing, but who knows. The other thing is that she stayed out all night one night and ended up at his beach house with his friends from out of town. She claims they didn't sleep together and that they just kissed but I am VERY dubious. I don't know if I care if it were once or twice or 300 times, I just want to know if she wants us to work and is willing to end it with him. If she has feelings for him, what am I doing??

Also, the demands she is putting out seem legit and could have EASILY been taken care of before the cheating. I wish she had just said something.

Her and her therapist said she shouldn't tell HR as it puts her job in limbo too (makes sense to me) but I agree with not wanting her to be near him at all. I don't know what to do. If I push too much I'm afraid she'll leave.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 9:50 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Hi, welcome to the club that nobody ever wants to join.

SHE NEEDS TO DUMP THIS THERAPIST ASAP. I am shocked a therapist would recommend building a life on lies and deceit.. So ridiculous. Seek one out that is experienced in infidelity.

First, take care of yourself, you are experiencing emotional trauma and will have PTSD like symptoms. Eat, drink water, and rest are essential. Next you don't have any obligation to make a promise and frankly it is impossible to predict the future it has to many outcomes.

You wife's choice to cheat had absolutely nothing to do with you or the issues or problems if any in your marriage. It has everything to do with her and the 100% selfish choice to cheat. If she had issues she could have talked, counseling, separated, or divorced. Instead she choice to lie and sneak around.

Your wife's drinking had nothing to do with the sex. It was a CHOICE, the drinking is an excuse. She didn't get drunk and fall into his lap. There is always prior relationship, boundaries crossed, secret talking, etc. The business trip and drinking was just a opportunity and justification.

I recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Glass which can be found on amazon for both of you to read.

Affairs are fantasy land and drug fueled high's. They have no reality or real life. The affair partners lied to each other and said whatever made the other partner happy (hence the drug) to get what they wanted (ego boosts). The "feelings" you are searching for didn't exist and if so the common "luv" stuff is bullshit based due to the lack of real life involvement. Its easy when all you have to do is show the best of yourself and it is never questioned and the worst is hidden away. He probably told her how smart she was, funny she was, and good looking she was and this made her feel like the most important person in the world. And like wise she gave him his ego boost in bed or by other means.

Your wife has issues which are deep seeded. Emotional issues with her self worth, self image, and self esteem which caused her WHY's and the coping mechanisms to allow her to inflict so much pain and justify her actions by minimizing fueled this behavior. Read the book I recommended.

If her boss is married YOU need to tell the other betrayed spouse immediately! You have to bring this into the light she absolutely deserves to know wouldn't you? You have to do this don't rely on your wife or let her know you are doing this. A certified letter, email, in person, phone call. Make sure she knows. She has the right to know what her husband is doing and risking her safety and life.

You need to report this to the companies HR department an official report. Your wife was a subordinate and even though made the choice the guy is a boss and there maybe others or future "victims" and families.

Don't feel any SHAME you did nothing wrong and are the prize in this relationship, you are not broken. Your wife is suffering from an identity crisis. Wayward's suffer self deceit in justifying their selfish choices and finding reason in such flawed thinking is impossible. Nothing makes sense and feels ass backwards.

Read the healing library here. There is lots of great people on this forum we have all been there done that and wished we would have listened to the advice because we always think our situations are different or our waywards are different. Surprising that most all affairs are the same both during and after almost like there is a CHEATERS HANDBOOK.

Be prepared to find out more as the truth unravels and trickles out. The waywards hide and don't want to face what they have done and become. They will try to "protect you" from knowing just how bad it was. This is really just another selfish justification for lying and manipulating the outcome of healing. You need the truth. They need to see how awful of a person they were. The trickle truth is brutal and a form of emotional abuse it will kill the marriage faster than the sex.

1. Total honesty

2. Total transparency and openness

3. TOTAL NO CONTACT, NOT EVEN A KEYSTROKE

Try sharing your story, there are a lot of unfortunately experienced members here that will help you..

You can't play the pick me, pick me, dance... This never works. You have to show strength and demand to get out of infidelity. You are living in an open marriage right now you just don't see it. She has a relationship with this guy and is "on the fence" and will continue to drag or stay up on that fence as long as possible because she doesn't want to make a choice or commit by stepping into the shit pile she has made of her life.

You have to think sometimes you have to show/or lose the marriage to save it. She has to commit 100% not in words but action to her marriage and you.

Without pushing her off the fence you give her options and she will be "weak" and suffer her self esteem, self worth, and self medicating with the ego boosts this other man provides.

As a subordinate her job is not at risk as long as she reports it in writing to HR. This is a form of sexual harassment. As her boss you are in danger of him smearing her job performance or terminating her when she commits to you so he protected from discovery. He needs to be outed immediately. Are you 100% positive he is not married or is this a lie she told you to avoid the consequences of her actions? Verify this.

This therapist is terrible.

Why are you afraid she will leave you? She already has by opening this marriage up that you didn't agree to! You are the prize show her how strong you are and how your character and much confidence in your life you have. And you will not live in an open marriage. Shut the door! Don't show her a door mat. If you still love her its okay to reconcile but she needs to become a safe partner and fix her WHY's

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:12 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Oh boy, you seem to be too nice to her, and she is using it to manipulate you, because you are inclined to trust everything she says and depended on her much more than she is on you.

I won't be surprised if she is having a long-term affair with her boss and now she simply wants out. And all her "explanations" are childish tricks taken from cheater's book. "It was JUST a kiss" – that's what people say when they had sex, because compared to sex a kiss is JUST innocent. Whereas for faithful marital life, a kiss with AP is a catastrophe, tip of the iceberg pointing to a serious personal problem.

You can read a few stories her and will quickly realize that your story is not unique. Please don't let her fool yourself so easily. And I would seek help from IC, because you tend to accept unacceptable.

I feel sorry for your pain, and wish you will find your way out.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 10:10 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Expose to HR . Her therapist is an enabler and needs to go. You are already getting trickle truthed (beach house, business trip/only time). If you plan on reconciling she needs a new job. sounds like to me she may be a serial cheater and you're probably better off filing and ending your misery with her.

Have you done any detective work on your own ( phone records, emails, FB chat, etc.)? I have a feeling if you do you will find more.

I haven't done any more checking in her stuff. I don't want to invade her privacy (stupid, I know). I wonder if she is telling her therapist that she doesn't know if she wants to be in our relationship which is why they are telling her to not quit, not hr, not tell me, etc? I'm just lost. I think you guys are right about seeing a IC though.

If I tell HR on him and her myself I feel like that will definitely end it for us. You guys all agree that needs to happen though?

I think you're being trickle truthed. There's more, and she's hiding it. You say you just want to move on with fixing it. But brother, I'm telling you right now that fixing it and moving on requires honesty and truth. You can try to move on without addressing things, but that's called rug sweeping, and it almost always fails.

Mind you, we're not trying to drag you down. There are thousands of people here that have been in your shoes. And most of them started with a story just like yours. While I applaud your willingness to work things out, don't ignore the things people here say. With any luck you really do have all you need to move on. But the odds of that are slim at best.

[This message edited by Cycle1 at 10:23 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Ugh, just signed onto her email and there was nothing but it sent an email telling her of a new sign on. I deleted it but ugh, I hate this...

Sleeping with someone else hurts the same if it was once, twice, or 300 times. It is still betrayal. Some here suffer from their wayward spouse sleeping with 20 different prostitutes 1x. ALL SUCKS!

I will tell you her wanting to trickle truth you to control your pain is a sign she doesn't want you to divorce or leave her. You are in more control than you think. She did expose herself also. Look at the overall picture of what is going on.

Okay so a married woman spent the night at a beach house with other men and only "kissed"... Come on you truly believe this????? They had sex think of it from the other guys prospective you have this married woman at your beach house who is your subordinate spending the night he fucked her because he had all night to break down that barrier and use her broken ego seeking lack of self worth and poor self image against her. Or he setup the next outing and she knew what was coming by going on this trip because she hid the advances from you and accepted it.

She wants you to stay, but she is scared to be vulnerable or appear weak and you won't want to be with a weak person. She just doesn't see that all healthy relationships between two people have and show vulnerability. She even agreed to stay and not move out. You are in the driver seat just make sure you get her to be truthful and honest, open and transparent, and commit to you!!!!!!

Is there a money back guarantee with this therapist? Seriously flawed enablement going on here..

Before she told you she probably cleansed all evidence you wont' find anything unless you use a recover program like DR. Fone.. Also you can hide a voice activated recorder under her car seat to catch her conversations in the car (most likely place a wayward uses)...

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:27 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Ditch the therapist. Total moron.

The other thing is that she stayed out all night one night and ended up at his beach house with his friends from out of town. She claims they didn't sleep together and that they just kissed but I am VERY dubious

Sorry, desert, but there are probably hundreds of us here who heard the same words, we just kissed.

She is most likely lying. If she was in high school, I *might* believe it. She stayed with another adult male at his beach house. Married women don't go to beach houses with other men.

Yeah I know. She said she got plastered drunk and crashed and that he went back to his regular house and she slept on the couch but I really don't think so. I straight up asked her and that's when she said "they kissed". Should I keep asking?

You can keep asking, but my experience with being trickled truth for about 8 months suggests they will kling to the lie hoping you just give up.

Your best bet is to be honest. Say you don't believe her, tell her you know she is just trying to protect herself and you from "the pain" but the lying is what is killing you not the sex. Tell her you know she is scared but she has to be honest if you are ever to have a future together because that is the only way it works for the both of you to heal. You can even tell her she can say anything tell you anything the whole truth (put it in writing on a timeline) this night/day and you will stay with her but the marriage is based on her fixing herself and the WHY's with a competent therapist and becoming that safe partner. If you feel she is holding back or lying tell her you are going to send her to a polygraph because you can't live with lies and build a marriage on deceit. Then do it and don't cancel it, that is how my trickle truth ended my wife gave a parking lot confession right there before the polygraph because she knew she was going to fail. That whole day she tried to back out and get me to call it off. The squirm was intense but I stood my ground.

Tell her you want to know it all every last detail because I think you do. Tell her you love her but she has to do this and can't carry this with her for the rest of her life because you will always wonder or distrust her and that won't work.

Yes, you must tell HR but she must do this herself she must go in an make an official report not just verbally tell the manager. A written report. Even if she changes bosses the company needs to know why. The company can't think they have an employee who just "doesn't like this boss". The bosses talk and do you think this guy is going to like being seen or discovered.. NOPE he will trash her. She was the victim in this boss/subordinate environment and he sexually harassed her but she is not the victim in the husband/wife environment because she CHOOSE it!

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:46 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)]