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The story and situation has a lot of holes.

1. How would she feel like she might have deep feelings for this guy over a drunken one-night stand?

2. Why isn't she overly sorry considering that she was so wracked with guilt that she confessed over the advice of her therapist. And it seems that she is on the speed button for the therapist, calling constantly and quoting on the therapists advice. Pile on with that, no STD test? If she was so guilt-ridden, wouldn't she had done that right away before even having sex with you?

3. Then, over a drunken-one night stand, she is unsure of whether to stay married with you. Does this seem as odd to you as it seems to me?

4. Piling on a little more, she immediately went to a therapist over a drunken one-night stand? Really? How about going to Alcoholics Anonymous? What is a therapist going to do about her drinking problem?

5. She had a drunken one-night stand and the reason is? Top item on the board is ...? Too little time with my husband. So she had a one-night drunken stand because you didn't spend enough time with her. If you had, then she would not have drank and not had sex one night. Really? Please.

That's for starters. That's before even the only one time sex story (the number one lie I see here is "didn't have sex (i.e., "only kissing.") the number two lie I see here is "only one time." Lucky you, she must have found a two-for-one coupon, because you got both of the top lies I see here.)

Or, just perhaps, there are a few little lies. Fibs. Cheaters have been known to do that.

Where have you been getting your information? From her? Where she's been? Relationship status of other man? How long it's been going on? Do you have any evidence other than her word?

I'll cut off for now. Except to say that you are doing it all wrong. There are guys here who are reconciled with their wives after being cheated on, I reconciled with my wife, and just about all of them I know of acted very decisively to end the affair, get the truth, and figure out what's wrong. The other ones by and large wandered around in the desert looking for water and hoping to find some. Hoping is not a plan. What is your plan?

The longer you act like your wife believes her cheating was acceptable, the longer she will become set in her mind that it actually was acceptable. For a whole lot of reasons, but think about this: What attracted you to your wife, and how does that compare to how you act now, and how does the other man act? Do you think other man is afraid to lose your wife and refrains his real feelings because he might lose her?

You are afraid of what your wife might act if you ask her to take a polygraph? And you think she might leave if you "invade her privacy." Yup, them's divorcing words. But having sex with another guy, risking your health and life over a disease - you're OK with that. If she "invaded your privacy," would you want to divorce her?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:42 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

OK desertmirage - here are my thoughts on this:

You are pretty deep in burying your head in the sand and are moving very quickly towards rug sweeping this whole thing. In short, you are in denial.

Your wife likes fvcking other men. She was attracted to her boss - she fvcked him - many, many times. And would have continued to do so but am not sure why she stopped. Maybe he dumped her and she was scared it might come out.

More likely, she wants to drive you away and told you to get you to leave. She has said she is not in love with you. She has said that she doesn't know what she wants. She has said that she has feelings towards him. She has said that she is not sure she wants to stay with you. Her IC told her not to tell because he/she probably knows all this about your wife. It seems that you do not even want to believe this let alone accept it and act on it.

And she is lying to you - no doubt and non stop.

So here is where you are: you have a lying, cheating wife who is fvcking her boss and she knows that even if you out this, she will not really lose her job - which is an advantage for you in the sense that you will not be facing alimony when you guys divorce.

You need to destroy the boss' life first and foremost. Sue the company too for alienation of affection. This does work often and they might settle out of court. (You need to keep hold of all your evidence for this).

Next you need to dump her sorry a$$ and be ready to go through with it. She needs to face some consequences. You are currently letting her decide what happens next - take control of your life.

And out her too - to all and sundry so that she doesn't make sh!t up about you.

Get an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Separate finances and protect yourself.

Start doing the 180 and start acting on this. Don't waste time. You need a wife that actually loves you and has a good set of morals.

Good luck!

Good morning. Time to put your big boy pants on today and act!!!!!! You need to act it doesn't go away or fix itself

Good morning! I confronted her again last night about: How many times, really? Her need to go to HR, and how she really feels about him.

She was adamant that it was only the one time and they really only kissed that night and then he left (he was apparently dating someone at the time but they are now broken up). I am honestly inclined to believe her. I told her that if she tells me now, I won't get more upset than I currently am and that if it comes out later, it will hurt me even more. She stuck with it.

I didn't tell her it was mandatory that she go to HR but did give her a lecture on why she should, even if we weren't together, to protect herself. She informed that she told him that she needs a new boss and he said he would get on it. He also told her that he is currently job hunting.

When I asked her how she really felt about him and IDK isn't an answer, she told me she views him as a friend and nothing more.

We proceeded to talk and ask questions of each other the rest of the night. I asked her a bunch of stuff about potential insecurities and she basically told me that he was telling her how pretty she was and whatnot while they were drinking over dinner and that she thinks this attention and the underlying "what are others like" led to it. She is getting STD tested on Monday and I am as well, so that is also good.

I asked her if she regretted it, and she said that she regretted the cheating and hurting me, but the topics that it is bringing up in both her and our marriage she doesn't regret.

I feel like it was a very constructive evening and I am feeling much less anxious about the whole thing. I do feel like it was probably just a one night stand (followed up by the kissing) and that she was torn on what she wanted to do/wanted (divorce, coming clean, are the feelings about what others are like too strong, etc) and that her therapist telling her she should wait to tell me or not at all didn't help. I told her that her therapist is terrible for recommending not telling me and she didn't say much, so we'll see.

Thanks so much for all the insight and help so far. I will keep you all posted on how this progresses.

Sucks every morning waking up to this crap I know. Still doing it after 15 months.

With the utmost compassion I say this only to open your eyes.

I am glad you feel better about your wife sleeping with another man after your talk. But really what action or did it accomplish on fixing the problems with her? When I read your story and if you re-read it I think you will see;

1. You talked constructively. Great!

2. She admitted nothing only reaffirmed her story.

3. She diverted your attention about wife or girlfriend its unclear now but he might have had a girlfriend

4. HR will not be told

5. He is trying to relocate her not HR department, so kind of him to take care of your wife again

6. She agreed to STD test. Yay you win here!

7. He is still classified as a friend in her mind

8. She confirmed no remorse for her actions

9. She confirmed she "wanted to sample others"

10. You feel better about the whole thing now. Because it was kind of the marriage's fault she fuck another guy

I think you lost this round here and are closer to rug sweeping this and approving of the sampling of other men during your marriage.

Her goal through all the talks is to wait you out and you give up and rug sweep.... She will do this for as long as it takes to avoid owning her actions.. Because she doesn't want to! She needs help and doing nothing to become a better person and safe partner will only end badly when she gets another sampling by some other asshat who pushes the right buttons..

We are here for you! Not the marriage, but we can help you save the marriage but you need to trust and read and learn from our mistakes and victories.. Lots of help and experience on these forums..

Oh and you have got to be kidding me you are okay with her going to work for 8 hrs a day and being with the man she slept with while he "tries to relocate her".. You know if HR knew about it would be taken care of immediately.. Grrr you have to see you are being played and manipulated.. Good morning

[This message edited by sneaker at 9:33 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

Read what Wk55hn wrote again and again. When it comes to being lied to, you have to play detective and ask questions, and WK55 brings up many good points as to the holes in her story.

One thing liars do, is cause the loss of common sense in the betrayed spouse, start using common sense and see these holes.

Food for thought

My wife was an executive at a successful company making 6 figures. I am a stay at home dad making negative money.

When I found out she within the first two days had printed her resignation letter and was going to deliver it to HR. Having the AP not in the same location I told her to keep the letter but its my choice when and if it gets delivered.

She was going to walk away from everything and have to explain it to family and friends of why and what she did to me. This was even while she was trickle truthing me and I didn't know of AP#1 or AP#2..

What has your wife done to show how important your healing and feelings are? Does she really regret it?

You need to take action she didn't get her hand caught stealing cookies, she had an affair.. Get out of denial, stop accepting blame for her choices, and you are not crazy.

You only know what she wants you to know. Think, see the holes, see the common sense, see it from a different perspective.

She didn't love him she loved the way he made her feel... WHY is that? What is wrong where another man outside of marriage could make her feel better about herself and prettier that she would betray her husband?

My wayward wife said with her 3rd AP she knew she was crossing the line in the texting and flirting it seemed easy to say it was funny and innocent and thought she could handle it and not have sex because she swore off cheating after AP#2 and he was a nice guy and a friend.. Well one morning he had her alone and off to an abandoned parking lot they went after he said no one would know and he was so attracted to her. She said that the feeling of saying no to him would be like she really wasn't all those nice things and smart things he said about her and it would change and she didn't want it to end and she like the way it made her feel so she was only going to do it once.. Well after 7 times I caught it.

Where there times they went to lunch together? Abandoned parking lots? Think where there is a will there is a way. They found other spots to have sex? Don't just think it was their only opportunity. Think! Because I doubt any man who scored married pussy would not try to tap it again, he totally gave up after the first score.. Every perspective you have to see it from.

Just wanting you to know it all so you can properly heal my friend. I suffered many D-days and they are brutal!!!!

You can tell me to shut up at any time

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:14 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

I guess my whole thing is she never lied about anything. She cheated which is horrible but I didn't catch her, she came to me, and I really don't see any benefit to lying about stuff now. I'm fucking arguing for her though which makes me feel kinda sick since she did this to me, not the other way around. I need to get an appointment with one of the counselors I contacted, I think. Haha, this whole thing...

Her benefit to lying is easy to see. And you are in shock and just don't have the perspective yet. But that is why we are here.

Her benefits to lying is: She doesn't have to face what she truly did and all the bad things she said with her affair partner(s). Thus doesn't have to truly work on what is wrong because its too hard and she is so sad at who she has become. Doesn't like to look at herself in the mirror. You then give up because it wasn't all that bad I mean look at all the other stories, it could have been worse. She just had a drunken one night stand happens all the time. So you rug sweep and she goes on with life. She will do everything to avoid showing you or everyone else what really went on because its ugly and she knows it!!!!

I guess my whole thing is she never lied about anything.

How do you know this? Because she waved a magic wand and said it? She controls the information she knows everything and you don't. This is an excuse to believe what she is saying. And yes I did the same thing, how could my wife be such an evil bitch. We have all done this!

Read the original poster to this topic in the Wayward section today {link below}. You can see how the wayward mind works. I cruised this section of SI for insight into the wayward brain. It is scary but helpful. She wanted to take the deep dark parts of her affair to the grave, but her husband had another d-day and found out. Read it see how the mind works she thought she could work on herself without revealing or facing who she truly was.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=592020

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:46 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

But, she did lie to you. She's lied every single day,since the supposed ons three months ago.

I don't see any remorse. And they usually don't just confess out if the blue. She confessed because she had to. Maybe his girlfriend found out, so she knew it would be a matter of time before the girlfriend contacted you. Maybe her boss has been promising a future,and she was planning on leaving you. That she has found a place to live,so she "can try to understand why she did it, and what she wants" is rather telling. Almost always, that means she wants space, so the affair can continue, without the spouse around.

You're giving her far too much credit.

She informed that she told him that she needs a new boss and he said he would get on it. He also told her that he is currently job hunting.

Consider the source. Seriously.

She cheated which is horrible but I didn't catch her, she came to me, and I really don't see any benefit to lying about stuff now.

It really is odd for a WW to just confess like this, unless they are about to be exposed. Very unusual.

Remember though, a WW will rationalize lying, you say there is no benefit to lying to you any longer, but they usually do not consider minimizing as lying.

A WW or WS will usually think that telling just a tiny bit of truth is just fine, but when that happens, you see all kinds of holes in their story. And that is what I am seeing here.

Once again, ask her to take a polygraph and just watch her reaction, because I do not believe she has told you much of the entire truth.

I think it was Mark Twain that said a partial truth is still an entire lie.

I don't think she was going to be exposed unless one of her friends or sisters was going to tell me on their own (those are the only people she told about it, according to her). I brought up polygraph briefly as almost a joke and I know if I ask her to take one that will be the end.

You feel like defending your wife because you feel like we are attacking her and don't even know her. These are natural feelings. Just know we are not attacking her. We are trying to help you. We all have wives and husbands who are cheaters and we have all been right where you are now.

Why did you bring it up as a joke? It's serious.

Okay so she will leave you if you demand the truth. Wow this sounds like she doesn't even care about your feelings at all or what she has done to you and your marriage. If she was telling the truth she would have jumped at the chance to profess it and get an outside source to confirm.

Peace, i'm out for now. Feel free to PM if you have questions.

You're probably right about it all. :( I don't see how this is going to work out for me. Either I sweep it as you say and it happens again or I force things and it ends. Thanks for all your help, I hope you guys don't think I appreciate your insight. You guys have all gone through this, I never have. I'm trying to decide if I am more scared of staying with her or of being lonely and alone if I leave. It's hard to leave the comfy nice life you thought you had. :( The wife, house, and the dog, literally on the cul-de-sac, haha.

When I asked her how she really felt about him and IDK isn't an answer, she told me she views him as a friend and nothing more.

If they have contact the affair will continue. She's in control at this time you aren't.

So you telling her a passed polygraph is a requirement for you to consider reconciliation....would-be the end of the marriage.

But she can have sex with another man,and carry on an affair for at least three months....And now expects you to wait while she figures out what she wants...And she thinks that's acceptable?

You're trying to nice her back. That's very common for betrayed husbands. And it never works. Never. I could give you a rather sizable list of men who have tried that route. They're all posting on the divorce forum.

Desert - I'm sorry you are here. I'm sorry for your pain. Just a few things, the first of which I think maybe you are too new to this to really grasp, but I'll give it a try.

- It doesn't really matter what your wife is lying about. It matters that she is very likely still lying. Will it suck worse if you found out she slept with him that second time? Sure, but just a little bit more than you are feeling now. After all, she has already betrayed you physically and emotionally. I'll take it to the next level: you might find out this boss and the kiss earlier in your relationship aren't the only times. That would obviously really suck but that isn't going to sink your relationship either. Hell, there are couples on here that have survived scores of betrayals. But there is no one on here that survives continued lying. The betrayal is the wound, the lies are the salt. At the very least, she is lying to you about feelings for him. I And probably a whole lot more than that. Btw - I wouldn't worry too much about these "feelings". All cheaters living in rainbow unicorn land believe they have found their soul mate, true love, etc. It is all horseshit.

I brought up polygraph briefly as almost a joke and I know if I ask her to take one that will be the end.

If I'm interpreting this correctly, this is hugely problematic. Are you saying it would be end because she would be so insulted at having to take one? So let me get it straight. She cheats on you multiple times, lies to you repeatedly, keeps secrets from you for months, is less than forthcoming now and yet somehow it would be the end of the relationship if she had to take a poly? I've read this on here multiple times and I'll never understand it. It makes no fucking sense. If one has a good relationship with their spouse it would be bizarre and insulting for one to ask the spouse to take a poly. But none of us on here have that! My answer to the spouse who is affronted by the request for a poly would be, "Of course I don't fucking believe you! What possible reason would I have to believe you? Yes, I am saying that I think you might be lying to me right now. Why? Because you fucking lied to me!" Until your wife gets to a point where she is begging you to take a poly you have work to do on this point of recovery.

Strength to you.

We seem harsh because we have been through it and all of us want to see one less person hurt any more than they already have been.

You are asking the right question of yourself - are you staying for fear of the unknown? Rugsweeping is the worst. It will fester and eat you alive. Look, your wife's story is Swiss cheese - full of holes. For ex. Why agree to an STD test if all she did was kiss? Friend is code for I'm not ready to give him up. And btw, he's doing shit to move her. He wants it quiet where he works and he's sure not going to risk inviting questions.

You've been given great advice. I think if you follow it you have chance at saving the M if that's what you want.

[This message edited by Markone at 11:56 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

Yeah, I just want to trust her. She's taking the STD test because she slept with him raw dog. The kissing is just part of the thing. I can't figure this out. Yes, she would be offended that I am asking her to take the poly. It doesn't make sense but she would be.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 12:08 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]