SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you read here enough, you find there are common themes :

Gas lighting = she's already done that adding the "family type" description of his friends means how could YOU possibly think anything it could happen in such a highly dignified and moral situation.

Blameshifting - that's starting with the rewriting of your marital history - how she hasn't been happy for so long (but failed to tell you) how's she's looking for connection etc blah blah.

It all adds up to unremourseful behavior. Your wife cries a good river but fails to really see the damage she's done. Until she faces consequences for her actions and truly commits to making you feel safe and your marriage, valuable....you are pissing in the wind.

Classic response.

"We didn't spend time enough on our marriage together."

But it was okay for her to spend time on herself with the other dude. It's is straight up stealing the attention she could be giving into the marriage and giving it to the affair partner. You can't serve two masters type thing.

She was out all night at the guys beach house, she could have been in the marriage but choose to spend it with him.

The text messages, the emails, every keystroke was time spent on this other dude.

Work late? Probably goofing off with asshat during work hours and behind on projects type stuff.

Instead of drinking on the business trip how about trying to skype chat with you?

NOPE!! WRONG! YOUR MARRIAGE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER CHOICE TO CHEAT! SHE CHOOSE TO NEGLECT THE MARRIAGE AND NOT BE HAPPY AND GET HER HAPPINESS FROM THE SNAKE TONGUE OF ANOTHER MAN...

Yes you could have done more but did you cheat?

"Not Just Friends" by Dr. Glass it will open her eyes and yours and is highly recommended on this site by others and myself. It talks about the walls and windows aspect of communication.

[This message edited by sneaker at 2:08 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Then why continue to stay?

Right now you have a WW who is, at best, intermittently regretful and at worst rugsweeping, blameshifting, remorseless and doing just enough to avoid her actions affecting her.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

You have to act based on the WW you have now. Not the one you hope she'll be.

Sorry, I keep rambling. My WW didn't tell me, I found out on my own (snooping, always trust your gut). Makes R much harder. At least your WW came clean with you. It would have been much easier if she had been upfront with me about it.

It's just impossible for me to tell what she's thinking/feeling. I know what I would be doing if I were in her shoes but I have no idea what she is actually thinking or processing. I guess I expected more telling me how sorry she is and what she's doing to make it better than "I am trying to figure out why I keep doing these things"

= I'm not sure I want to still be married to you.

What is she actually doing to figure out why she keeps cheating on you?

I'm not trying to be harsh but she is running the show and you're sitting there looking for crumbs and "I'm sorrys". You have to flip this, my friend.

She said she is working through it with her therapist. Who knows though, haha. I was referred to a program called 180 which seemed decent. Do you guys have any experience with it?

It's just impossible for me to tell what she's thinking/feeling.

I'm sorry but her actions do tell this. They're just not giving an answer that is hopeful for R. I know. I've been there before and I learned the hard way to "hear" what your WS says with their actions.

Why Happy Couples Cheat - Esther Perel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

Not Just Friends - Dr. Shirley Glass (Amazon)

http://a.co/7lbyeuP

Yellow box marked healing library has all you need on the 180. Read it and do it. You are on the right track now

[This message edited by Markone at 2:16 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

I was referred to a program called 180 which seemed decent. Do you guys have any experience with it?

Yes. I did the 180 with an XWGF. It helped me a great deal. It did not lead to R. Why? Because the 180 is about the BS healing and not trying to effect a change in the WS.

Sometimes the WS reacts to the 180. The fact that their BS is playing the pick-me game can be a wake-up call. Other times it isn't.

Doesn't matter.

You need to take care of you. I'm sorry to say your WW isn't focused on you right now.

Thanks I actually have "not just friends" on order. Thanks! I'll check out the link.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 3:20 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

desertmirage,

You are getting a lot of advice thrown at you, so I will bullet-point this:

1 STD testing IMMEDIATELY for both of you, and repeat in 6 months. This is urgent to protect your health. The "shock and awe" is a secondary benefit. Keep in mind there are some STDs that can not be tested for in males, such as HPV. If this was a drunken one night stand (ONS), then they did not use condoms. If she says no, she leaves immediately and you file for divorce.

2 I cannot even count how much training I have had on sexual harassment in the workplace. When a boss has sex with a subordinate it is ALWAYS sexual harassment on the part of the boss. If the employer fires the subordinate, retaliates in any way, or breaks confidentiality, they open themselves to a big lawsuit. Her telling OM about the potential of a sexual harassment complaint is her breaking contact and her choosing him over you and the M. That means divorce.

3 She should welcome a polygraph, it will help to start rebuilding trust.

4 At this time, do not trust what your WW says, go to the source. Interview the IC. Find out what their experience and perspective is regarding infidelity. Have your WW sign an open HIPPA release.

5 At this time, do not trust what your WW says, go to the source. Research the OM. Look for an OBS, GF, and his family. Tell ALL of them. That will shake things up.

6 Until the work situation is resoled, tell your WW if she has ANY contact with the OM, she has 30 seconds to call and tell you. ANY contact means as little as passing in the hall. If he call her, she calls you as soon as she hangs up and gives you the details. She CANNOT be in a room alone with him. There must be someone else in the room who can easily hear everything that is said. If they must meet in order to do their work, they can meet in the break room with others around.

7 She must pack a go bag. If she breaks NC, or any of the other restrictions you set, she must grab the bag and leave. She will not have time to pack a bag.

A WS who will not do what is listed above is still involved in the A and using you for Plan B. A WS who truly wants R, will agree to what is listed above quickly and willingly.

There are countless examples on SI of WSs who jumped at the chance to comply with restrictions like these in order to receive the gift of R.

Do you have any children?

Honestly, if you're able to just go to a coffee shop and spend a few hours reading the articles in the Healing Library you will not only save yourself many future hours but will emerge thinking differently and more confidently about your situation. Let your wife stew at home while you focus on yourself. Glass book is fine but honestly the yellow box is the Library of Congress when it comes to infidelity. You won't regret it. Read it all.

Reconciled, no kids, thank god. She didn't use a condom and didn't get tested yet. It initially bothered me (before I found out it wasn't a random dude on the st) since she continued to have unprotected sex with me for 3 months after without getting tested. I is bothering me more now since this guy prob sleeps around. I don't know what to think.

Does that possibly make her story plausible that they only kissed? She said he went back to his regular house and left her with his friends.

Okay, it is time you get it together right now.

NO her story is not the truth. First of all, why would this guy go back to his own house and leave everyone at his beach house.

Why would they only kiss.

Hey stop and think about some guy with a drunk woman in his beach house, he kisses and leaves. Sorry, your wife is lying.

You say asking her for a polygraph wont go well, why not, if she is being honest, why not.

Ask her anyway and watch her reaction.

Who were these friends at the beach house. Your wife is this drunk all night with a bunch of other guys, no way nothing else happened.

She is at some beach house drunk as hell and nothing happened...

She is lying!

Is this the therapist that recommended she lie to you.

ETA: For crying out loud, stop believing her and investigate. Find out if this guy is married, it is not that hard to do. Learn the truth yourself and find out the depths of her lies.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 3:35 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Desert-

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. You've been served a shit sandwich and it isn't fair and it isn't right. All the feelings you are feeling are normal.

You're going to get a lot of advice on this forum. Some of it good. Some of it bad. It's all just feedback. Take what you want. Discard the rest. (I'm not saying everything you don't agree with is wrong, it's just that sometimes you aren't ready to hear what some are saying, and you don't have to do that yet. That was my experience. When I posted my story, I was not ready for the deluge of "HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW's! I got. This is your life. Not mine. Not everyone else's on here.)

If you want to work on your marriage, I'll tell you that it can be done, but she has to want it also. I wanted to work on mine, but XW didn't want to. (although it took her several months to admit it.)

The biggest thing is to take care of yourself. Drink water. Eat what you can. I started walking around a lake near my house and I'm pretty sure that saved my life. That physical activity releases something that helps your brain. Someone else knows what it is.

As for asking for details, there are two schools on this. One says the more details you have, the harder it is heal because you have those details in your head and they will come howling at you in nightmare form in the middle of the night. And day. Another says that it is a way to regain a sense of the some of the control you lost and it is a sign or a tool to show whether your wife is being "remorseful." I got to a point where I knew enough. I personally think there is a balance.

Take care of yourself. And come ask questions.

If you do not verify for yourself if he is married or not and just take her word for it, as you heal in the future you risk being bombed with the news that he was married all along and undoing your progress and the healing going back to square one.

No matter how remorseful she is and how much has changed, it could be next month, 2 years, 10 years from now and you will feel just as betrayed because she hid that and you will feel as if she choose to protect him over your feelings.

[This message edited by sneaker at 6:32 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

desertmirage,

Sorry you are here brother. It really sucks. You are getting some great advice, but I think I should emphasize a couple of points and bring up a new one

1. Exposure works to end this shit. He likely has a SO or something attached to him. Find her and let her know. You cannot trust a THING your WW tells you about him, so do some homework on your own.

2. Exposure works - so get to HR. She is not going to lose her job for screwing the boss unless they want a slam dunk cause for action against them.

3. DO NOT DISCUSS WHAT YOU ARE DOING ABOUT DISCLOSURE WITH YOUR WIFE. This is not a collaboration. She is not your ally in this.

4. STD testing and seeing a lawyer are crucial. Knowledge is power and right now, you have very little of either and that will inhibit YOUR healing.

5. She confessed for a reason. Something is strained in her life. Maybe OM has a girlfriend and that got her pissed off. Maybe someone at work threatened to out her. I don't know the cause, but I know if she could lie for three months or more, she could keep lying forever without something to make her come (partially) clean. This was not done out of love.

R or D, whatever you do, get some knowledge and get out of infidelity first. And exposure is a very good first step to moving in that direction.

Strength to you, especially to do the things you are afraid to do.

A kiss in an affair = sex.

He's probably married and your wife is covering for him.

She'll do whatever to protect him over you at this time.

You need to know what you're dealing with at this time.

This is a typical affair.

Lying, hiding and denial.

Sorry man