SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked her if she had feelings for her boss, "I don't know"

"I don't know" means "I don't want to hurt your feelings with my answer". It should have been a straight "No" whether she meant it or not so the answer is yes, she does have the hots for him still.

Odds are she is trickle truthing you and this is the tip of the iceberg. She had a lot of time to plan on telling you so she had time to cover her tracks so it will be find the truth unless she made a mistake. A polygraph may help and might even get s parking lot confusion where they spill the bean right before taking the test (and save you some money lol). Point is you can't believe anything she tells you so you need to find answers on your own and don't worry about her privacy, she is your wife and isn't entitled to keep secrets from you.

I don't but she would have had no reason to lie to me about it. I'm pretty sure she will react poorly to being asked to take a polygraph, haha. I don't see that going over well. I think I am coming to terms with this a bit though. Her not being happy and potentially leaving over a polygraph doesn't bode well for us.

Yeah, that makes sense Dobby. I am sure she will be very upset if I tell her I want her to take a polygraph.

Look the very fact that her boss took her to his private residence when she was drunk tells you everything about the plan. If he's that big a hero, why not drop her at her friends, a hotel whatever. What would you tell a friend if he believed this line of bullshit? She's having a full blown sexual affair with this POS and you need to put an end to it now.

Expose to his wife.

She changes jobs in 30 days or you're gone

All the other similar advice you've received above

You can't nice her back. She's walking all over you man.

And btw, if there were a bunch of upright family types at the beach house as your wife said, wouldn't they be horrified at him bringing a drunk, married woman home? They weren't there that's why.

Does that possibly make her story plausible that they only kissed? She said he went back to his regular house and left her with his friends.

You see no reason for her to lie to you about this???

Uhm, sorry. She is a liar and a cheater.

She has every reason to lie. She wants to minimize the affair and her bad behavior.

Her reason to lie is to not look worse than she already does. And to get you to believe that the affair is no big deal.

Well, I am sorry. She is a manipulator. She kisses guys, sleeps with guys, stays out all night. That is not healthy behavior of a married woman.

You are trying to nice her back. To rush into R without asking the tough question of her of WHY she allows herself to cheat.

I understand your desire to want to save your marriage but right now, she views you and your marriage as an option.

She needs to decide if she wants to make your marriage work and what she is willing to do to ensure she won't stray again.

Tough shit if she is upset on the request for a poly. Weren't you upset when you found out she cheated?

Again, she has to take ownership and do the heavy lifting toward R (poly) if she truly wants this marriage to work.

If she is unwilling to do this for you then why would you want to be with her? Only to wait for your next Dday?

Stand strong. Find your voice.

Good luck

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:22 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

Who told you he is single? Have you investigated him at all...or are you only going by what your wife has told you?

Thanks! That makes sense. :(

Only my wife told me. I found out where he lives, I stopped my investigation there.

Investigate further.

First, do not accept anything your wife says at face value...not about her...not about the A...nothing.

Validate everything.

Oh, and just kissed? No married woman goes to a mans house, one on one, to just kiss. Does it happen? Maybe 1 in 1,000,000,000.

This was a full blow physical affair.

Additionally, I think it is much deeper than you think. She was trying to get space from you to "figure things out". This is cheater speak for "I need space from you to try out the OM and keep you around in case it doesn't work out".

Take her off the pedestal. The sooner you do that, the sooner you will be working with reality rather than fantasy.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 1:28 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

My wife tried to downplay the science when I told her I wanted a polygraph or divorce. I said it didn't matter I wanted to see what the results say for myself.

When she found out I had made an appointment the next week she began to get squirmy and I could see she wouldn't pass by the next few days the way she back tracked and squirmed.. It was sad to watch because I had detached and said I'm not talking until after the test and you passed. She even tried to fake a cold and asked if that would affect the results and we should "reschedule" hahahaha so fake that I replied how could a cold affect the truth {insert crickets here}...

We all idolized our wives, thought they were special, invested so much and trusted so much in them. It isn't until you realize that was all projected upon them by our own mind just like they projected the good things about their affair partners upon them. You have to see your wife is human, flawed just the way God made us. She needs help she is selfishly dangerous and broken. But that doesn't mean they can't decide to change and become a better person but they have to want to change you can't make them. They have to see what they are doing to their lives. After they become better you can begin to build a true open, honest, and authentic marriage with a healthy partner fulfilling for both. The innocence you projected on the marriage is gone forever and you will never be the same but that blind trust you give others is dangerous also. You will have to do work also on yourself. You will have to swallow your pride (this is an emotion), go through the stages of grief, determine if this is a deal break or your wife is now a good candidate for reconciliation only after working on herself.

You need to verify the affair is 100% over!!!! You need to end it, by bringing it into the light. Affairs thrive in the darkness and secrecy. Tell HR. Get IC. Verify her story and 100% NC..

Have you verified he is not married? Or are you relying on her word. This is a MUST DO verify it yourself. Ask a co-worker, HR department when reporting it, heck drive by does it look like a family or bachelor pad? Ask their neighbor for pete sakes... Otherwise you are holding this secret for him and her and torturing another human being and possibly risking her health by not telling her.

I was drunk = my excuse to have sex with my boss

So sorry you are here. My WW and I were also both our first (I still am ). As others have mentioned, there is likely more to this than what she is telling you. You are equally responsible for the marriage, she is 100% at fault for the A. Please don't forget that, I know I questioned it for a long time. R is a long, hard road, but it can happen if both people are fully committed. Keep posting, I know it has helped me a lot (14 months out from Dday, TT until 10 months after).

Sorry Jameson. Yeah, I told her the 50% thing yesterday when she started in about how these things led her being unhappy. I cut her off and told her I had nothing to do with her decision to cheat on me and that I accept that we probably didn't spend as much time on our marriage as we should have. She didn't seem to get it.

She didn't seem to get it.

When you have blameshifting then you don't have remorse and therefore cannot have true R. At least imho.

Yeah I really want this to work out with us but I feel like she doesn't feel as terrible about it as I do. She has said she's sorry a bunch of times and been emotional but then others she just seems normal and I am anything but. I'm not sure if she's just already gone through most of her guilt months ago (if she has she deserves an emmy since I didn't see it then) or if she just doesn't see it has a huge deal. Or she does and just doesn't know what else to do. I feel like I would be begging for forgiveness and apologizing over and over every day, but I am not seeing any of that.

There is no reconciliation without remorse. Waywards will often demonstrate regret (especially this early in the process), but not often remorse.

Read below and tell me which you see.

Regret: Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.

Remorse: Remorse involves self-reproof, admitting one’s own mistakes, and taking responsibility for your actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else, and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again.

You can't begin a reconciliation until you see remorse, brother.

I should also mention, my WW's IC also told her to not tell me. What great advise, try to rebuilt a marriage on lies. Such crap, like any profession, there are good and bad and it sounds like she is with a bad IC. Your situation and mine sound very similar. Feel free to PM me anytime. The first 3-6 months were so hard. Stay away from the alcohol, it may seem like your friend but it definitely is not. I met my wife in High School and we dated for 8 years before marriage. She had a ONS about 5 years in, multiple other transgressions and her A in 2012 that lasted 2 years (physical once, so she says). This site really helped me get through the really hard period and I still log in daily, helps me a lot.