SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just found out that she gave an ex boyfriend a blowjob at a wedding a couple of years ago. Our child was with a baby sitter and I was deathly ill.

Broken again.

And the bus keeps backing up. I'm so sorry!

It would make more sense that she is so nonplussed about this current affair if this is just the latest of several. Just once, the guy never contacted her or her him? I'm waiting for the dam to break. Though I can't imagine why she'd confess to you now.

Was it confessed, or discovered by you?

Sorry, friend.

So yesterday and last night was really tough as you can probably tell.

She texted me to Facetime with my son, which I did. She did not speak to me or I to her.

I had a horrible feeling in my gut all day long. So I called her late at night. I know you are shaking your heads. But I did.

We talked for almost 4 hours. The usual conversation. Really getting no where. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I ask her questions. She offers very little. She apologizes sometimes sincerely sometimes half heartedly and tells me I’m not perfect either.

And then she admitted it.

At first she said that she met an exboyfriend at a wedding, “kissed him and touched his penis.” That is how she put it.

I stayed very calm.

I knew the exact wedding she was talking about. It was 2 or 3 years ago. My son was just a baby and we were all going to go to the wedding together, but I came down with the worst flu of my life. I was literally writhing (no exaggeration) writhing in pain on the ground in the basement from joint pains. I almost went to the ER. So I remember that weekend well. I was home alone. My wife went to the wedding (I told her it was OK to go ahead because it was a friend of hers) and my son went with her. We hired a baby sitter to stay with my boy while she was there involved in wedding activities.

She tells me that her exboyfriend lived in the town where the wedding was held (he has since moved). I did not know this at the time. They had been sexting for a while. He even sent her a video of the two of them having sex about a year before she and I met.

So when she got there she says she “met him for a drink”. They went to a bar near the hotel while my son was in the room with the baby sitter. After their drink she went to his car and they made out and then she gave him oral sex.

He then dropped her off at the hotel. And she went to the rehearsal dinner.

That was it she says.

Of course, they continued to text and sext for years after that but that is the only time she admits to seeing him.

But one night when we were fighting about her affair with the other man, she was in the other room. I came in and she was on the phone with this guy at 3 am.

But she swears up and down that this is IT. That this was the very last thing she has to hide. That there is nothing else. She swears on the life of our son that this is the truth.

Then she begged me to give her one more chance. To go to counseling with her and give her one more chance to “prove that she can be a better person.” She is doing the 12 steps and knows she has done wrong and want to be a better person for herself, our son, and me.

She even through in a few tepid, “I love yous too.”

What kind of a person does this?

It turns out now that she has had multiyear emotional affairs with one guy and at least one secret meeting and sexual encounter with him. This sexting she claims was intermittent, “every now and then he would text me” and has been going on for years.

She has another affair with another man while I am working my ass off.

She lies like a PROFESSIONAL about both affairs.

What must she think of me?

I guess that is what I am really looking for here. How does a woman who does this view her husband when this is ongoing? Does she think of him as a sucker and a work mule? Does she look at him with contempt? Pity? Absolute indifference? Is it compartmentalized? Does she feel genuine love for her husband but lust and fulfillment from the other men?

What am I to her? Just the person who she can rely on for a roof over her head? Am I just an ATM? A punching bag? The source of all of her problems? Has our entire marriage been a sham?

She talks about codependency (as someone else has). Does this mean that we have always been incompatible? Was this inevitable?

How am I supposed to function again just as I was being able to start?

It seems that it really can always get worse. I thought I hit bottom a couple of weeks ago.

I hope there is not much farther to go.

grizzly,

I am so sorry.

So there is not excuse for the BJ, whats is her explanation？

How do you know your son is biologically yours?

I think you really need to let her go. She is a serial cheater.

you really need to clear your name also. Last thing your kid need is to be tild by your wife toxic friend what a ugly person you are.

Your WW needs to acomplish so much by het iniciative that is practically impossible for her to straigth things so you can give R a shot.

You need to man up

Wool I love and appreciate your story so much. But I am being torn in two on the inside. I feel like I am on the wrack in medieval times. One part of me says try and have hope and do what you can to save, restore, improve your marriage. You made a commitment, you need to learn to forgive etc...

The other part says that she will never change. I have been disrespected so much and treated so badly and so many lines and boundaries have been crossed that hasn't ever really been a marriage. I am being taken advantage of again and again and played for a fool. That I will never be able to trust her and she will only do it again.

I know I have to take care of myself. And do whats right for my boy. But this just fucking hurts so much.

It is so painful. That deep aching is back. And the tears won't stop now.

And I have to go to work soon.

FIrst, remember you don't have to make any decisions about M or D today or even any time soon. However, on that note, I can't remember if you talked with an attorney about how to handle the new business to protect yourself financially in the event of a D. If not, you REALLY need to do this NOW. Meanwhile, just step back mentally. Hard to do but you can do it. Just step back, reminding yourself there's no rush to D or R, the only thing you have to do is make it from one day to the next. Go about your daily routine while giving your head and your heart time to rest from all this. And, know you cannot control what she is doing or what she will do. You can only control you. She will be who she is.

I was married for 6 months at the age of 20. Young and dumb. Ended in D because of my inlaws and that really is what split us up. (xh came back several times after D wanting to reconnect.... nope; learned my lesson with him and that family.) Then, met and married second husband. 34 years, he cheated, too many D-Days, = divorce #2. NEVER thought that would / could happen but it did. So, were I ever to trust another again (won't happen), it would be M #3. Morally and ethically, 2 divorces seem impossible. But, sadly, considering the current climate with rampant cheating, not many people seem to care anymore about the numbers. If I were wearing your shoes, Grizzly, I know what my answer would be. No more Wife #2 and no more marriage. IMO: The paper only marries you legally. The commitment makes you married for life. Of course, whatever you do is YOUR decision. Not her decision. Your decision. Meanwhile, step back, do your day to day and give it a rest until your mind and body are more settled. (((( ))))

About codependency...I'm the wife of FSA. We are hot with that label all the time. I didn't even know about my h's hobbies. How could I have been an enabler?

But I was. I made excuses for his absences, placated myself by justifying his obnoxious behavior towards me, and tap danced myself into exhaustion by truing to cheer up this selfish curmudgeon. I worked very hard to correct all the many flaws he kept pointing out.

This dysfunction developed BECAUSE of his shittiness. I didn't cause it, I reacted to it by exhibiting codependent traits. It was a defense mechanism.

By all means, explore this and come to a decision about your own behavior. Extricating myself from that pattern has been positive for my whole family.

My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry. I know the pain is overwhelming. This is TT (trickle truth) and yet another DDay for you. It shatters your trust all over again and puts you back at square 1.

She swears on the life of our son that this is the truth.

If there was a Cheating 101 handbook, this would be on page 43, paragraph 3. Swearing on the life of a child, mom, dad, etc. is an all too common way to manipulate and lie. Seriously, this type of stuff comes up here on SI frequently enough and I have yet to hear of a time when it wasn't later discovered that it wasn't really everything. Given how she is a professional liar, you can't believe a word she says. This is why the advice you get here indicates to watch her attitudes and actions. If she wants to prove to you that there is any reason to believe what she is telling you, she will agree to take a polygraph test.

Was this inevitable?

I think inevitable is a strong word, but I do think that the odds were stacked against you and you didn't know it. This was also the case with many of us as well. Hindsight is 20/20.

Let me give you a hindsight example. My own FOO (family of origin) issues involved parents that were on the brink of divorce/separation and I became the "fixer", "peacemaker" and emotional surrogate for my mom. In short, my codependency formed well before I grew up. My wife's FOO taught her that her father was unavailable and that she wasn't every good enough (courtesy of her mom), so she ended up craving attention/approval from men. I was a magnet for self-centered people and my wife found me to be the perfect, stable environment she desired all while enabling her to go pursue extra attention/approval from other men. Let me be clear -- each of our own issues contributed to our initial attraction, marriage and dynamic, but that is not saying that I was at fault for my wife's infidelity. That is all on her. However, we were an ill fated match.

You've quickly begun to uncover your own FOO and how that contributed to your NMMNG personality. With your latest discovery, you now also know that your wife's behavior is a long running pattern. You don't know what underlies those issues, but that really isn't your job to figure out or to fix -- that is hers to own.

Poor patterns within a marriage are all too common, so you aren't unique or alone. If you want to understand things at a deeper level, "Getting the Love You Want" and "Hold Me Tight" are a couple of books that really shed some light on the relationship dynamic. While I think that you can learn from these books and they would be good in your healing, it really isn't your highest priority right now.

Then she begged me to give her one more chance. To go to counseling with her and give her one more chance to “prove that she can be a better person.”

Going to counseling with her isn't the answer. If she is the one that is broken and she is going to be a better person, that work is on her. She needs to go to counseling on her own because she wants to fix herself and not because she is trying to hold onto you.

How does a woman who does this view her husband when this is ongoing?

The biggest point you need to remember is that it wasn't about you. It was ALL about her. She took and arranged opportunities to cheat because SHE wanted to. She left your son with a babysitter only to go be with an ex because SHE was seeking out something -- attention, approval, validation or whatever it is that her character gap drives her to pursue.

I've asked my wife what she thought about me. "I loved you" and "I looked forward to growing old together" were the answers I received. Even when, like your wife, she massaged the other man. Or lied to my face. Or had multiple affairs. Its a messed up thought process of having me for stability/provision/family and other men for "fun". You can only accept it as dysfunctional because having affairs isn't love. Trash talking you to others isn't love. It's all an attempt to justify or minimize the actions that occurred.

You made a commitment, you need to learn to forgive etc.

Please take it slowly here. After the first affairs, I went down the path of choosing to forgive. However, I totally misunderstood "forgiveness". I thought it was to forgive/forget/trust. I now see those as separate things.

Forgive is to let go of a debt. You accept that it can never be repaid, that things can't be fixed/replaced, you accept that (even though you don't like it or approve of it) it happened, but that you aren't going to dwell on it. It sets you free from bitterness and allows you to live in the present and look to the future. It is largely a gift to yourself.

Forgetting isn't possible. Yes, things will fade over time and the triggers/mind movies will become less frequent. But it is too emotionally charged of a life moment to every fully go away.

Trust is earned. This is the biggest key to moving forward. You don't have to trust. In fact, right now, you shouldn't. You don't even have to offer an opportunity. If you do, you need to focus on attitudes and actions to measure whether trust is being earned back or not.

How am I supposed to function again just as I was being able to start?

It is a new start. With new revelations and a new DDay, you are starting all over again. The problem is that each new TT or DDay inflicts more damage and makes rebuilding trust even more difficult.

You're going to have to find a way to function like you did before -- through venting, finding ways to express your emotions through healthy outlets and in stepping back from the situation to gain some clarity around what you need to do for yourself and for your son.

If you are going to give her the opportunity to try to earn your trust, you need to lay out the requirements for her. The basics that come up over and over here on SI are:

NC (no contact) - She writes an email/letter to the OM indicating that what she did was a huge mistake, that she is committing to her marriage and that there will be NC going forward. Then she blocks him (phone, social media, etc.). If there is ever any contact (e.g. he tries to reach out, she sees him in public, etc.), she lets you know immediately.

Honesty - She tells you the whole truth. Continued TT will kill any chance your marriage has. If she has more to admit to, this is her only chance. Having her write out a timeline of all affairs can be a helpful way for you to wrap your mind around things and for you to cross check what she says. Having her take a polygraph is another way of trying to get some ground on which to establish some level of trust.

Transparency - You get full access to everything. Hidden accounts and deleting arent' allowed.

IC (individual counseling) - She needs to see herself as broken and needing help. She is the only person who can do the work to fix herself, so her commitment to pressing forward through a ton of work is key.

In addition to those starting points, she needs to demonstrate that she is capable of loving and respecting you. She should be able to sort out on her own what that means. It she isn't, then she isn't a safe partner for you. As a starting point, some practical examples that she should understand and embrace include:

- Dumping anyone who encouraged the affair. Even friends who knew about it, didn't discourage it and withheld it from you aren't friends of the marriage and need to go.

- Admitting to her family what she did. Also owning up to the fact that she has been badmouthing you to them as a way to self-justify herself and excuse her behavior.

- Helping you out with responsibility for income by getting a job.

You have every right to call it quits at this point should you decide that all of this is too much. If you aren't ready for that, then this is her only opportunity to come clean so that you know exactly where you stand and to show, through her attitude and actions, that she is willing to do everything necessary to rebuild herself and the marriage.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:20 AM, November 12th (Saturday)]

Crushed7, could you please post full title and author for the two books that you mentioned? Amazon lists two different authors for the first title and two different Hold Me Tight: ??? books by Sue Johnson.

Sorry for the threadjack.

She swears on the life of our son that this is the truth.

I have never seen a statement like that where it turned out to be true. Always a lie. No reason I can tell you why or why not, but that has ALWAYS without exception been that way every time I've heard a cheater say that.

On another subject, when does her job start? She was going on interviews, wasn't she?

Hey just wanted to say how sorry I am for what is happening. We all know how painful it is to go through something like this.

You were asking why she would do this and I think it's pretty simple. You are her meal ticket. You are her ATM. Being with you has allowed her to stay at home and not have to work. It has allowed her to sleep with other men with no consequences. She has been doing this for years and yet she still does not have to work and she gets to sleep with whoever she wants. In her mind it's a pretty good life.

You also need to read no more Mr. nice guy again. You have to stop being the victim. You have to realize she is not responsible for your happiness. You have to be responsible for your own happiness.

You are being paralyzed by fear. Why haven't you booted her out and spend some time without her?

I am guessing that if her meal ticket was threatened her attitude would be a lot different. Can you imagine if you quit your job forced her to go to work and you were out sleeping around with all kinds of women. How happy do you think your wife would be? My guess is she would not be very happy. And my guess is she would dump your ass in a heartbeat. Think about that for a minute.

Best of luck to you. Nobody wants to be in this club.

SpaceGhost - evidently you're my male version of how best to remove oneself from infidelity. Hope it's all working well for you.

Grizzly - as would be expected, I concur with what most are saying here, especially with SpaceGhost's comments.

Spaceghost is right and his story is very similar to yours.

No more comforting her. Jumping right back in to MC right now is a bad idea and her IC will likely be a threat. You're right. Her IC is incredibly unprofessional for calling out yours like that. Did you ever get a real answer as to what her IC saw as creepy and bad about the MC? I found your MC to not be great but I definitely don't agree with the IC's scathing review of him. It seems more likely that she needs a new IC and that her IC could be detrimental to you and R if she continues with them.

Also, add me to the no go girls camp. Your M has no chance at R with them around. They will never hold your WW responsible for her poor choices and will enable or even encourage her to do it again or D you whenever they and your WW decide you're not getting over the A fast enough. They are toxic and I just don't see how having them in the picture won't be detrimental to R and your M in the long run. It says a lot about your WW that she won't give up people who hate you. She can't be 100% committed while refusing to give them up or remorseful.

But she swears up and down that this is IT. That this was the very last thing she has to hide. That there is nothing else. She swears on the life of our son that this is the truth.

It is truly disturbing how often WSes say this and it turns out to be another lie. You can't be sure that this is the whole truth. You at least know that her doing anything to R is still a lie. Will she take a polygraph if you asked her to?

It is very much worth it to you to make her removal of her toxic friends your line in the sand. It's entirely up to you whether you remind her of this deal breaker or not. You have already said it's nonnegotiable. Give it as much time as you are comfortable with but don't stop talking to your lawyer and don't just let it go and accept it. It will come back to bite you with another DDay or getting blindsided when she leaves the M.

Let her go, brother.

Serial cheat. She is not worth it.

I know that you're reeling.

FIrst, remember you don't have to make any decisions about M or D today or even any time soon. However, on that note, I can't remember if you talked with an attorney about how to handle the new business to protect yourself financially in the event of a D. If not, you REALLY need to do this NOW. Meanwhile, just step back mentally. Hard to do but you can do it. Just step back, reminding yourself there's no rush to D or R, the only thing you have to do is make it from one day to the next. Go about your daily routine while giving your head and your heart time to rest from all this. And, know you cannot control what she is doing or what she will do. You can only control you. She will be who she is.

I can't give you any better advice than this at this moment. Breathe---it will get better.

When you're ready, take the advice of the last posters, and start getting out of infidelity. I mentioned several pages ago that your wife was wired like this before you entered her life. She didn't surround herself with all of these toxic people AFTER she met you....she has done this her entire life.

Now she has to unlearn, or rewire, her entire way of thinking....if she really wants to be this worthy partner.

You have to decide (1)if she is capable, (2)if she actually wants to do this, and (3)if you are willing to give her another chance.

Grizzly, all I can say is that I'm praying. I can't imagine what's going on in your world. You are an amazing person. All I want to do is give you encouragement and let you know, me and thousands of others are in your corner.

God bless you.

I am sorry but not surprised with the last revelation. You can consider her a serial cheater now. She says this is IT but ask if she ever sent/received nude pictures or Skyped with him. It just seems strange that her first Affair went from meeting to blowjob so quickly.

When I read your posts I can't help but feel you are such a great guy you are setting yourself up to be hurt again and again. I can't do this to her this wouldn't be fair to her... and yet what has she done to you and said about you. I'm not trying to say this is a tit for tat situation just trying to say you are building so many barriers you aren't going to feel right doing anything to help yourself it it isn't perfect for her also.

I have a male friend that felt strongly he could forgive anything if he could save the marriage for the kids. She said she cheated because of low self esteem he helped buy her new boobs, she cheated with someone else. He forgave, but his esteem took hit after hit he live in hell forgiving and waiting for the next ball to drop. In the end she got pregnant with a guy she was too timing the OM with. They divorced, he is doing great. The kids are number one in his life but he found a great girl and is dating. His Ex wife complains to him quite often how unfair it is that the baby kills her single life (can't work out, date...) he ignores it.

I guess all I wanted to say is that YOU can't fix everything with a broken person. You might want her to be better, her to see how wrong all of this is, to see what you have actually sacrificed for the family but if she is broken enough not to have seen it before and to have carried on a 9 month affair... while you worked your ass off and planned for a wonderful future together... she might be too broken... at some point you might have to move on and do what's best for you and your son.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

Is she working?