SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondering what people think about dating someone who has cheated on one person in the past or have you and how has it gone?

This is an interesting question and one that has come up in the past.

My personal opinion is this: she had better damn well know why she cheated and has worked out her personal issues that had led her to betray her partner.

Otherwise I'm out. BTDT

OTOH: If she lays it all out and seems to have her stuff together then it's not a deal breaker. If on the other hand the reasons seem to come pointing back to failures on her partner... Then knowing that I myself am far from perfect, I wish her the best of luck in finding that perfect man.

[This message edited by antlered at 10:35 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]

Probably not but I'd want to know their take on the circumstances. I myself am a mad hatter but was a faithful wife for my entire marriage despite how badly it sucked. It's possible that the person has grown since it happened, but it would be hard for me to tolerate.

Probably not...

Probably not but I'd want to know their take on the circumstances.

I'm not a mad hatter, but I echo this - I would hear the person out, but I have a hard time thinking of anything that would make me say yes.

Have any of you experienced infidelity in previous relationships before marriage and if so do you feel that there is difference between infidelity in marriage and infidelity in a dating relationship?

I am a Mad Hatter, Yes I would date one but it would be on an individual basis. Meaning I would have to see how she lived her life and I'm sure that it would be the subject of many discussions as I'm I'm sure mine would also.

The reason is I cheated on my first wife (revenge) and have never cheated before or after. How can I be worthy if I automatically disqualify her?

Nope. I would run like hell in the other direction. After 2 XWH's I am a little gun shy and XWH#2 was a BS. I know people can change, but at this point in my life I am not pushing the odds that they would not do it again.

As far as if it's different with dating relationships, I am really not sure. I guess I would have to know the age they did it and if they ever did it again. Dating does not come with vows like a marriage does, but that doesn't mean that it will hurt any less. Cheating is betrayal plain and simple.

No.

No. I am just at a point in my life that, after being cheated on almost 30 years, I would constantly wonder and second guess, and I just don't want to be in that position. Am I judging them? Yes. But it wouldn't be fair for them to be with someone that could never trust them completely. It is just where I am in my life, and I am up front with those feelings.

When I first met my SO and learned he had been married for over 20 years, my first question to him was if his divorce was infidelity related. It wasn't, but I had to know.

So at what point in a new relationship do you come out and ask the person if they have cheated on a spouse/partner in the past? And what is the likelihood that they will be honest about past indiscretions? I am skeptical.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Not a chance. I'll wish them luck and clearly there will be other people who will date them. I saw my XW out with someone on Friday, so I know there are plenty who do not care.

Me? I'll run like hell. Once I know that they've cheated, all I will do is wonder.

Absolutely not, and I'd recommend "The Science of Happily Ever After" for anyone considering it.

A pertinent quote: "People don't really change, but they can become more aware of how they typically respond to situations and can push themselves to alter their natural responses...when choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives your relationship the best chance of success?"

No I wouldn't, at least knowingly. The problem is that they could lie about it.

I ask pretty quickly, like on the first date. I did have.

If they've done the work and dealt with their issues, then I would be willing to.

That was a red flag I wish I hadn't ignored in exWS. I don't know if it would be an automatic rejection, but it would be hard for them to recover from such a black mark against them in my books.

Yes, if they had done the work to understand why they cheated and what the impact of their actions were. People do stupid things; cheating is certainly not the least of them, but it's something that can be overcome. Just look at the former waywards on this site.

Anyone is capable of cheating, so thinking you're immune by dating someone who never has is still no guarantee.

As others have stated, someone who has cheated in the past but has done all the hard work and introspection into how it happened, is probably at least as safe a bet as a random non-cheater.

No.

But my IC felt that BS were more likely to cheat or be a bad partner than someone who hadn't been touched by infidelity, so she urged me to find someone who hadn't experienced infidelity.

BS who haven't "done the work" are a bad bet, because many of them take all the wrong lessons from the infidelity journey: how to be sneaky, how to be passive-aggressive, that cheaters can get off scot-free and that they have a pass for their behavior because of how they were treated. This was certainly my experience when dating un-healed and non-self-aware BS.

Nope