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This is staggering. You are doing the only thing you can do after this type of betrayal - absolutely inhuman.

I hope someday you and your son will find peace.

NYGIrl, I am so sorry for what you and your son are going through. Please continue to post on SI in whatever forum is appropriate. There is a wealth of knowledge and support here.

Take care of you and your son.

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement and support, I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me. My husband has tried calling my son; my son refuses to talk to him. My son did text him saying he is dead to my son and he never wants to hear from my husband again.

When I told my son that I’m filing for divorce, he choked up and said, “I can’t imagine having to lose both my parents.” That hit me harder than catching my husband cheating. Thankfully that was on the phone; I would’ve completely broken down in person. My son has always been a strong kid, never wanting to show weakness. To hear that he thought he would lose me, his mother, completely broke my heart. He’s my only child, he’s more important to me than anything in this world. I’m not going anywhere.

My son’s two best friends have been sleeping over at his apartment since this happened, they don’t want to leave him alone. I wish I had more kids, but these two friends have been like brothers to him for 21 years now.

A coworker recommended the lawyer she used when she divorced her cheating husband. This lawyer’s mouth literally dropped to the floor when I told her what happened. She’s going to do everything possible to make sure I come out on top in the divorce. I’ve always been financially independent, have maintained my own savings, and have a healthy retirement account; I’m not worried about my financial future. What hurts is having to give up this house I’ve had for the last 20 years, I thought this would be my forever home. Even if I get the house in the divorce, I can’t imagine staying here.

I’m exhausted. It doesn’t feel real to me, I guess the thought that I might wake up from a nightmare is getting me through each day.

My husband keeps leaving voice messages and texting me that he wants to talk; I’m not ready for that yet.

You are doing so well. Keep ignoring him for now. You need some space and time to process. There's NOTHING he can say that's worth your time and thoughts right now.

So very glad that you and your son will help each other through this. You've each been totally devastated. At least you have each other. ... and apparently a fantastic support network which is AWESOME. That will help tremendously.

Sending tons of love, hugs, and strength. Take care of YOU!!!

NYgirl68, you are a wonderful mom and your son is blessed to have you. I hope you have both looked for professional counseling to deal with the horror of this double betrayal. Keeping no contact with your WH is the best way to navigate away from the marriage. Losing your forever home will be painful however it is irrevocably tainted. Hopefully you have the funds after the divorce to find a new home to create memories with your son and his wonderful friends.

I hope you have already been tested for STDs and have been able to take care of your ongoing mental and physical health. Lean on your friends, I'm sure the have been rallying to give you the support you need.

(((NYgirl68)))

NYgirl,

Your strength and clarity is inspiring. Stay strong and don't have any comms with STBXH that don't pertain to the business of the divorce.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:56 PM, November 7th (Monday)]

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this.

I am so thankful that you and your son have each other.

I cannot even imagine how you will get thru this, but I know that eventually you will.

Take good care of yourself.

Much love.

I am so glad that you and your son have each other and it sounds like you both have great resources for support. It must feel disconcerting to see the reaction of an experienced divorce lawyer as that of disbelief or shock. Please let that validate the strength of your pain and the decisiveness of the actions you choose to take as a result of your husband's betrayal. Be kind to yourself; you will feel like you are on a roller coaster with your emotions but it does get better; it just takes some time to process what you have learned.

NewYorkGirl'

WW and I went to a new CC today. I mentioned your situation to him...he has never heard of such betrayal..he couldn't imagine how to advise you..just not in the text books he said.

Sounds as if you and your son are coping. My father was an abusive alcholic..he would come in drunk, get me out of bed (11yo)..and make me watch him hit my 103# mother with his fists.They divorced in 1959..on court ordered visitation days I would set in the front seat of his Buick, starring straight ahead, never speeking a word...on the 4th visit he gave up. He died in 1972..me having never spoken to him in those 13 years.

The rules do not require you or you son to ever acknowledge him again..if you choose to do so it is a 'rare gift' to him.

Please stay strong, focused on your son..May the Lord keep you both in his Grace.

nlw/srw

SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST

WW and I went to a new CC today. I mentioned your situation to him...he has never heard of such betrayal..he couldn't imagine how to advise you..just not in the text books he said.

Sounds as if you and your son are coping. My father was an abusive alcholic..he would come in drunk, get me out of bed (11yo)..and make me watch him hit my 103# mother with his fists.They divorced in 1959..on court ordered visitation days I would set in the front seat of his Buick, starring straight ahead, never speeking a word...on the 4th visit he gave up. He died in 1972..me having never spoken to him in those 13 years.

The rules do not require you or you son to ever acknowledge him again..if you choose to do so it is a 'rare gift' to him.

Please stay strong, focused on your son..May the Lord keep you both in his Grace.

nlw/srw

[This message edited by nlwsrw at 10:46 PM, November 7th (Monday)]

I am so very sorry for what you've gone through. Yes, your son has been dealt a terrible blow by his father and fiance but so have you. She was to be your daughter-in-law and he is your husband. The level of disrespect and contempt they showed to the entire family is just unfathomable. It's downright pathological. And when I was relaying your mortifying story to my 20-year-old daughter she said "Wow. I can't believe a father and husband would do that. It's beyond comprehension. And how old is that girl?" (I responded). She said "That girl must be unbelievably screwed up and must have major Daddy issues to do something like that. If it weren't for the mass destruction she caused, I'd feel sorry for her."

You are being so strong when it must be so hard. I'd hug you if I could. I'm so angry for you and your son. I don't think I could muster the strength or desire to forgive this. I truly am sorry you are dealing with something so unimaginably painful.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 12:54 AM, November 8th (Tuesday)]

I'm glad your son has such wonderful friends that they are staying with him to help him through these very traumatic early stages of betrayal. It's imperative that he has that support.

How about you? I hope you're not alone and that someone is staying with you.

You're demonstrating tremendous strength, and I applaud you. With the severity of this betrayal there isn't anything to decide, it's simply a time for action.

Don't respond to him. It's hitting him that he's about to lose everything, yet it's nobody's fault but his.

NYgirl68

Parents are supposed to look after their kids...yiur H crossed a line that there is not return from.

yiu are doing the rigth thing. D in yiur case is the only way. otherwise you will loose your kid for good.

in other hand, your kid just dodge a bullet. Be married to someone capable of have sex with your father is able, and willing, to do so much worse. the sad thing is that your kid needed to loose his father.

Just wondering, did ex fiance has tryed to reach you. I just can think what she may way to you

I don't think you should let your STBXH hear a single word from you , unless it has something to do with making the divorce move forward.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 9:39 AM, November 8th (Tuesday)]

(((NYGirl68)))

I can't imagine what you and your son are going through. This is the saddest thread I have read on SI. My heart goes out to you.

I am an extremely forgiving person, but in your case, I honestly would never speak to your H again - except as is necessary to move the D proceedings along. You are an awesome mother - I can tell. And your son knows it. Hang in there.

The only thing I could imagine saying to the SOB might be to tell him to leave your son the hell alone. Get ready for blame. Your WH will be desperate to tell his "story" and explain it in his spin once he figures out that he cannot nice his way back to you. Stand up no matter what gets slung your way and prepare your son for all kinds of crap, possibly coming from your Inlaws.

You and your son are experiencing a living death. Your H is dead. There is another who has risen up in his place and the person he is now does not know love or loyalty or boundaries. Would you begin a relationship with a man who screwed his sons fiancé/wife? Of course not. You have a new family dynamic that will settle in with time. Peace with you.

My husband keeps leaving voice messages and texting me that he wants to talk; I’m not ready for that yet.

No rational person will fault you if you're never ready to talk to him again.

You may choose to have all correspondence occur in writing, through your respective attorneys.

My husband keeps leaving voice messages and texting me that he wants to talk

FUCK. HIM. Who gives a shit what HE wants? He already let his dick do the talking.

You are so strong ((((NYgirl68)))). You are doing the right thing for YOU and for YOUR SON. He really needs you now. Asswipe 'dad'? Not so much.

You don't ever need to talk to WH again. What could he possibly say? That it's a 'mistake'? That he still 'loves' you? There's no explaining this away.

Anything he has to say, he can say to your lawyer. Get your lawyer to send a cease and desist letter with threat of legal action if he continues, so that hopefully he stops bugging you.

And whether or not you 'need' any of your joint assets doesn't matter. If your L can chew him up and spit him out, GREAT.

Do NOT talk to him. Nothing good for YOU can come out of it. Stay completely NC (No Contact) with him. That speaks louder than any words you can possibly say.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad that your son has such good friends. I agree with not leaving him alone. It's a very dangerous time for him. Keep supporting him, you two are a loving family.

((((NYgirl68))))

My husband keeps leaving voice messages and texting me that he wants to talk

He can talk to your voicemail.

You and your son are experiencing a living death. Your H is dead.

^^^^

This, there is no reason, no reason whatsoever to speak to him ever again. Let your lawyer do the talking.

Honey , his horrible actions have said all there is to say.

There is nothing you have to talk to him about.

He already said all you needed to hear with his betrayal to you and your son.

BLOCK HIM........BLOCK HIM

GO NO CONTACT

What could he possibly say to you or your son.

HE IS DEAD

YOUR HUSBAND DIED THE DAY HE BETRAYED YOU AND YOUR SON.