SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:50 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

It was my fault she cheated

^hell no it wasn't.

The rabbit hole goes deeper. She had sex with at least that guy at the hotel.

All marriages with kids go through the phase you went through. You weren't neglecting.

More will come by to help.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

You are not to blame for her infidelity, that's number one. No matter how things were, she made a choice.

Blame shifting is par for the course. They are unwilling to blame themselves so they blame you.

You should read the healing library top left hand corner, and also you both need to get tested for STD's.

I'm sure others will be along with more advice. Again sorry that this has happened but you can't blame yourself.

She is still lying. And as long as she is still lying she still has a cheater's mentality. Book a polygraph and carry through with it.

And-bullshit on this being your fault. She felt unloved so she signed up for NSA sex with strangers? Where is the love there? She did this because this is what she wanted. Why did she want this? What made her able to break her vows? What made her able to lie about it? Until she can answer these three questions and finds a way to change those qualities in herself then she is still a cheater. And your wife is still a cheater. Having her make progress requires that you hold her accountable that this is solely her fault.

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:51 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

I expect unfortunately that there still may be some truths yet to be revealed. This trickle truth is very common, but everytime you find out something new it will set you back to day zero.

You are not to blame for your ww's choices. Sure, you can take responsibility for your part of the marriage, but she alone makes her decisions. Affairs are selfish, hurtful, and self destructive. She could have always just said "hey husband... I've been thinking and I need xyz in our relationship". How much did the marriage suffer because of her withdrawal and infidelity?

Sometimes it comforts us to blame ourselves... it makes it seem like we could have controlled things when in reality that was beyond us. Understand that you can't control what she does - she makes her own choices, just as you have to make yours.

You guys do have a chance, but again that depends on both of you taking responsibility for your choices - past and future. She needs to do some deep introspection (IC) to understand why she made those choices and start to setting things right to rebuild the shattered trust. You can't do her part for her. You have to focus on taking care of yourself, of understanding what your needs and boundaries are, and to be willing to stand up for them and yourself as you move forward in your life away from this mess, one way or another.

Hang in there brother, stay strong, and keep smart.

You're gonna be okay.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:30 AM, January 1st (Sunday)]

Do we have a chance? I desperately want to believe she has told me everything, yet I wake up at 4am most morning and lie awake with everything going through my head.

Do you have a chance? As long as you're blaming yourself for her disgusting behavior, no.

Do you have culpability in the degradation of your marriage? Absolutely.

But she, and she ALONE, owns 100% of her promiscuity and cheating.

And taking the blame FOR her crap choices takes the accountability OFF her shoulders and makes her out to be some kind of victim. That's about the last thing this woman is.

I'm not sure how 'getting no emotion' from you at home somehow equates to acting like a sex kitten with virtually any man who'll have her.

She's still lying up a storm and letting YOU take the blame for everything. Stop volunteering for that, for starters.

You've only seen the tip of the iceberg. You don't nearly have the whole truth yet. Not even close. She's in full-on damage control mode and is lying to you about anything she can. I would suspect she's had sex with quit a few men and you NEED to be tested for STDs.

We're now closer than ever. Sounds crazy but the last 2 weeks have been better than the last 6 years we've spent together. We're a couple again, spending time together, going out, dancing, movies etc. We've got the councilling coming up, but I hope it's more to steer us on the right path than to mediate a battle between us.

Forgiveness is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. What you've done is agreed to take the blame FOR her so you can jump right into reconciliation out of fear of losing her. Your fear is allowing you to make horrible choices.

So that's where we are. We're together. We're bizarrely happy. She knows I'm posting this. I havent told anyone about this and as I dont want anyone we know judging her (or me), but I like to hear what people here think.

Unfortunately, that was another mistake letting her know about this site. All she's going to do is read your threads and read the advice people give you and it will just allow her to stay TWO steps ahead of you and keep you right where you are - deluded into thinking she's a victim and you're the one to blame for this. That's a shame - this was YOUR safe place and now it's not.

I desperately want to believe she has told me everything, yet I wake up at 4am most morning and lie awake with everything going through my head.

I think you know, deep down, that she's still lying to you. Those of us who've lived this - and some of us over and over and over - can clearly see she's still lying, denying, and minimizing.

Most cheaters do. When it comes to saving their hides, they'll lie their faces off. It's pretty standard procedure for them.

I can tell you this - once she sees the replies you get on this thread, she's not going to like this site at all because we can see RIGHT through cheaters.

We're bizarrely happy.

Unfortunately, this is only temporary. You're desperately trying to rug-sweep this heinous behavior and move forward, taking the blame for her.

That isn't going to sit well with you when you eventually start to think a little more rationally. I think right now you're so grateful not to lose her that you're finding any way you can to accept this.

Rug-sweeping is about the most harmful thing you can do to yourself. That's just a proven fact.

The others will be along with all the usual stuff about taking care of yourself. I always leave that up to them.

Be kinder to yourself, DazedandLost.

Sorry you are here.

First off, stop blaming yourself for your WW's serial cheating.

You may not have been the perfect H, but that in no way excuses what she has done.....she had many other options other than turning into a lying cheater.

Did she ask you for counseling BEFORE cheating?

Did she confront you and demand changes in the M or else she would consider leaving (in order to wake you up to how unhappy she was)?

No....she went out and screwed around with other men.

Sorry to tell you this, but I doubt very seriously you have the full truth of what she has done.

Your own gut is telling you the date of the 'late shift' is suspicious.....because you know her story doesn't fit the facts.

And meeting up with 3 other POS men from a website where people are making arrangements to cheat, and it NEVER goes past just kissing?

Sounds like bullshit to me.

You want to believe her because you are desperate to save your M.....but cheaters LIE.

A WS who comes completely clean right away (and I will point out to you that your WW did NOT do this, she has already trickle-truthed you) is as rare as a pink unicorn.

Now the biggest impact from the fact she is still lying is this....you cannot R with a WS who is still lying and hiding the truth.

Trying to R with someone who still refuses to give the full truth of the wrongs they have done leads to two paths....

One.....you get fed up with the continuous lying and TT and eventually lose interest/hope for saving the M, and file for D.

Two....you realize she is still lying and decide to rugsweep the A rather than successfully deal with the issues and reasons for why your WW feels entitled to betray you with other men (and once again, this is NOT because of you....it is something in her that allowed her to cheat on her spouse).

Schedule your WW for a poly, and drive her there without informing her first.

Then in the parking lot, tell her what is about to happen and that this is her last chance to tell you the entire truth.....if she refuses to take the test or fails, you will file for D because you refuse to try to save a M with a cheater who CONTINUES her deceitful, lying behaviors even after she is caught.

Only after you know the true extent of her betrayal can you really search your soul and decide if this is something you can get past.

Find out exactly what you are truly dealing with here.

Get STD testing. Seriously. Nobody wants to believe the worst when it's their spouse in question, but her story sounds fishy as hell.

And stop blaming yourself please. She had other alternatives to cheating. If she was that unhappy, she could have insisted on counseling or even filed for divorce. Instead, she chose to lie to your face every day. So as long as you're blaming yourself, neither one of you are addressing what made it okay in her mind to do that.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:32 AM, January 1st (Sunday)]

Sorry , but not your fault. Sure she tried to tell you she was unhappy, but not that she was going to invite others into your marriage. Its totally on her . She should have told you either go to counsilling or divorce. There is never an excuse for cheating .

So she hooked up with an old friend , had sex with a coworker and signed up for a cheaters website and met up with 3 of them ?

First off , you should tell the other betrayed spouse. They need to know . Probably look to quit her job or get transferred otherwise you are never going to have piece of mind. And there is more "revelation" coming. Probably in the form of she had sex with the 3 guys she hooked up with at the cheating site.

What is she doing to try to fix this other than love bombs? When I found my wife fucked an exclassmate we had to lay down ground rules . Total transparency and honesty. I got access to ALL passwords. That means phone , email, etc. Since she used facebook to cheat, she deleted her account and I enabled a GPS on her phone so I could check her location. These were at her suggestions not mine. We got individual and eventually marriage counselling . She answered all questions no matter how difficult and at any time day or night.

So I would really ask yourself if what she is doing to fix this and help you heal? What is she doing to restore the trust that she destroyed? The secret emails that she created without your knowledge is not a good sign. Whats going to happen once the hysterical bonding period is up and the smoke begins to clear?

Hmmmm. Might you have depression?

Might explain the emotionless robot and the fact you are turning against yourself again. Turning the emotion, anger, blame inwards is not a good mental health strategy.

I suggest you see a separate counsellor first.

Still Lying. Period.

All those problems you caused? Those might be true but guess what? You were still her married. They were not an excuse for an A.

She had made a counseling appointment w/o your knowledge. Obviously she was aware there was a problem and a healthy way to deal with it. Instead she CHOSE to have an A...multiple As and now she's trickle truthing you.

Sure, you may have a good chance to heal the wounds and reconcile the M. But not until she's honest.

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:55 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

She had made a counseling appointment w/o your knowledge

Sadly, she did this the same day she sent the dirty email to the online friend.

Well, if she's told you the entire truth, she'll have nothing to fear from proving it with a polygraph and STD testing, right? Peace of mind is worth the investment and will save you tons of angst during reconciliation.

Here is one version of my story. Borrowing from your text.

We went through the parenting phase yes, but SHE never came out of it, when I FOR A LONG TIME was ready to start doing couple things again.

^ yet in my case she cheated not me. So there goes that theory brother.

The nest thing to do is face this down honestly now, so it does not bite you in the ass 3 years from now.

You will survive!!!

[This message edited by redhorse at 8:16 AM, January 1st (Sunday)]

Listen, we have all been in your position.

We know the difficulty in reconciling your image of your wife with the reality. We know the desire to lie to yourself to preserve your family. We know the need to believe that she's finally telling the truth.

But because we are years ahead of your learning curve, trust us. She had sex with those men. Which means she is still a liar. Which means you can't rebuild your marriage yet.

To rebuild your marriage, she has to tell the truth and accept responsibility for her actions. And she has to go through the fire so she can reform herself into a better person.

You rug sweeping hurts you both.

Do the polygraph and std testing. Trust us. We have been right where you are. Alao, if you are to ever forgive her, how can you do that if you aren't 100% sure what you are forgiving?

Also, I understand how you feel great right now. If you are having amazing sex, this is called hysterical bonding. Totally normal. Happens to most of us. It won't last. You are also in the euphoria stage. You are relieved that you have an explanation for your crumbling marriage and her strange behavior. You see hope for rebuilding. The full impact of what she has done has not truly hit you yet. But it will and this phase will end. Get yourself in IC so that you have professional support through this.

Consider an app like accountable2you. It's main purpose is to keep the user accountable if they view porn, but it also keeps track of nearly everything done on the device. Put it on every device. She can no longer have game of thrones on her phone or any other app she used to cheat.

She is still lying, and still is cheating. She may not have sex with any of them today or tomorrow, but she is in contact with at least one of them.

Cheating is a very predictable human behavior. She does not yet know that every thing she says and do is so cliche that any number of us here who have seen this a lot and see right through the lies and even predictably see with fair accuracy what she is doing.

The showing you that she uninstalled the app and then you found out she had installed it again tells you a lot about it. Plus all of the lies, all of the foot dragging, not wanting to give you access to the past texts. She is not a unique original one-of-a-kind cheater, her behaviors can be found on thread after thread after thread here.

She is emotionally attached to the cheating - either to one or more particular guys or to the whole harem of man-whores who she cultivated in the cheating website. I think she probably had emotions for the co-worker. Look at the biggest lie and dig. She's got nothing but lies, if you think she is being honest, you don't understand what is going on. She is admitting to what she thought you would find out anyway. She has given you the truth about a few specifics, but she is lying about the big picture.

She is desperate and will do just about anything to hold onto both you and her other man. She can't bear losing one of those guys, and she can't bear losing you. She is "in love" with one of them. She loves you, but is not "in love" with you. She should have told you by that now.

I strongly suggest going through with the polygraph. Include in it the last contact she had with these guys. Then I think she will confess to you that she has actually contacted at least one of them for some other "innocent" reason.

Closure is an infidelity myth. Closure turns into how much we want each other and usually ends up in sex.

Reinstalling an app like that is to continue the contact. If it was for closure she would have uninstalled it again. She probably is smarter and does that now. She also very likely set up other apps or ways to use to contact the other man she is in love with. Back-channel ways. She added two secret email accounts, but they are "innocent."

I desperately want to believe she has told me everything

What you should desperately want is THE TRUTH.

She knows I'm posting this.

She thinks she is so smart she doesn't think anyone here would see right through her. She must really like that you are taking all the blame, and I guess she is thinking a lot of people would be saying how you really screwed up and her not having sex makes it not so bad. Too bad that cheating is so predictable it is so easy to spot the behaviors and words.

Set up the polygraph. Ask her to write down the timeline of all the affairs, including the amount of sex, and when the affairs started, when the last contact was. Use the timeline as the basis of the questions for the polygraph. She will have to give you more information.

Tell her that the cheating does not kill the marriages, the continued lying afterwards does.

To reconcile the marriage, you need two parties willing to do so.

You need the major part of the truth, because the types of nonsensical stories she gave you will gnaw at you, and nonsensical stories like that tend to fray at the edges over the next few weeks or months, e.g., someone finds out she was at the hotel and mentions it to you, or something like that, and when that happens, that's how the marriage fails - the continued lies. So to reconcile, you need to get that all out of the way first. You can reconcile without the truths, and it could feel good, but that is what is called a "false" reconciliation, and it doesn't work in the end when the lies are uncovered. And with so many lies she spun, plus she still is planning to be with at least one of them, definitely it will fall apart down the line.

Which is the main thing you need, for her to end the affair. End the affair and give full truth, those are the basis of reconciling. I don't think you have gotten either yet.