SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First...I'm sorry.

Second...She wasn't distraught by the abuse we were giving her. She was freaked out because she knew we were right, and she didn't want you to find out.

Third....no one is going to say we told you so. We all understand wanting to believe your spouse.

Fourth...If OM does tell his wife, you need to speak to her to make sure she was told the truth..as you know all to well..cheaters lie.

Fifth...If you decide to attempt reconciliation...follow through with the polygraph. That way you have a basis of truth to start with.

Sixth...You both need to be tested for stds.

Seventh...I'd make her posting here in the wayward forum a requirement.If she wants reconciliation.

Eighth....I'm so sorry.

I agree with all of the above. I'm sitting up waiting to see if the OM's wife posts anything.

I dunno. She says she'll do anything. She says I know everything now, but she said that 2 weeks ago as well. i dont see any point in a polygraph? What could I ask that she wouldnt fail? As the next poster says, it's a train wreck of a marriage.

but i still love her.

Do not rely on alcohol, I repeat do not rely on alcohol...

At its worst, Alcohol will fuel your anger if you are already angry, same for depression...You may end up making rash choices that compound the problems that are already waiting for you...

For sure, getting your life on track will take time..She didn't give you any choice, she simply put you in this mess..

You have a laundry list of problems to tackle to get your life back on track whether you like it or not..It isn't fair, but it is what it is..

IMO just leave her...Protect yourself legally and financially..

Relationship repair can and does happen with some people, post divorce...

IMO, if she is truly remorseful, she will work on herself, become a responsible adult in your absence...She will need to do this to become a good parent, whether or not she is interested in saving the marriage..

She says she will do anything, until you really ask her to do it.

She said she would take the poly, then backed out.

She said you could look at her phone, then balked.

Like Confused said, she got upset upon reading these posts because everyone saw right through her bullshit.

Love can exist without marriage...Without living with the person in question..Without being legally and financially obligated to said person...

8 guys. I know you are hurting, but let that sink in. 8 guys (minimum).

Do not rely on alcohol, I repeat do not rely on alcohol...

Seriously, how can I not be drunk right now?

I'm not angry. I think I'm done with angry. I'm just numb (thanks smirnoff).

We've agreed to go to councilling, and not to be the first to jump to the lawyers and get the drop on one another.

She is very much remorseful. And I've changed my stance. Although I have a lot to answer for, nothing I've done equates to this, this is down to her. She may well post in that other forum, I hope she does.

We accept it might (and most likely wont) work out for us, but there's no need to be nasty and vicious about it. The kids above all cant be made to suffer.

What you're seeing is not remorse. It's fear, regret,and covering her ass.

True remorse would be if she had confessed the entire truth,before she had no choice.

True remorse is not tears. And it's not lying.

And true remorse takes awhile to kick in.

Don't go to MC with her. She didn't cheat because if you, or the marriage. She needs lots..And lots..of IC first..before you go to MC.

And...your anger isn't gone. Its just overshadowed by pain right now. It will return. That's part of the emotional rollercoaster. You will feel pain,anger,sadness,rage,happiness,relief..lather....rinse...repeat.

Brother, what makes you think she is being remorseful? Specifically what is she doing to prove she is remorseful? What is she doing to prove she is worthy of your gift to try and reconcile?

Did her best friend find out the truth? I would reach out to her and let her know you are available to talk if she wants.

Is she in Individual counseling? She needs to be. IMO it is more important than MC right now. You could benefit from it yourself.

Have you spoken with a solicitor?

Trickle truth is brutal. Pretty much all of us have experienced it. BTW my last piece of trickle truth was revealed when I pushed for the polygraph. I hope this is the last of yours as well.

well yeah every time she says she's sorry a nastily snap back "Sorry you got caught once again"

and she accepts it.

trouble is, the MC is next Wednesday. IC could take a while to arrange and I cant hold on that long to speak to someone.

(didnt mention, I hadnt told anyone up til now. She told a few friends its was 1 internet guy, I didnt want anyone to hate her so I told 1 friend that an internet guy sent her the dirty email.)

I dont have anyone to talk to about this. Just this forum. i still dont want any of our friends hating her.

Please everyone. She isnt a horrible person. She's just troubled. She's gone so wrong it's tragic yes, but she's a fantastic mom and if I had been there for her this might not have happened.

No I'm not blaming myself again, I'm done with that. But she isnt a monster. She needs help. we both do.

I'll let you know how next Wednesday goes (assuming I dont fall off a cliff! haha)

No. Stop blaming yourself. By saying she may not have done this if you had been there...IS blaming yourself. And,gently, she is not a good mom. Was she before she started cheating and betraying her family,sure. Can she be a great mom again? Absolutely. But she has not been a great mom while she was cheating.

A great mom doesn't expose herself, and the father of her children, to deadly stds. Even IF condoms were used, oral sex was not protected. Both of you have been exposed.

A great mom doesn't risk her children's family,security, and happiness by having affairs.

A great mom doesn't meet strange men online,then in person, and possibly get herself killed...or bring potential danger to your doorstep.

A great mom doesn't advertise herself online.

A great mom doesn't take time from her children to sext,text,email,and meet other men.

A great mom doesn't betrayed husband,and her children.

No one is saying she's a horrible person. But she is fucked up. She needs IC to herself straight.

I suggest you find an IC...her too...And work on yourselves before you try to.work on the marriage.

And ask her to post on the wayward forum. We have some amazing former waywards here....they are amongst my very favorite people here.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:53 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]

You were ALL right. I was wrong.

It is a horrible thing to be right. The ONLY "purpose" of being right is to try to help you. What you've been through is an enormous emotional and psychological trauma. That being the case, the wounds aren't readily apparent. If these were physical wounds, you'd be in ICU and they'd be running every test possible to pinpoint all the things that need attention. Our point in giving you information and in trying to point out errors is simply this -- to help you see how badly you are hurt so that you can stop the bleeding and get the care you need.

While I'm incredibly sorry for what you are experiencing, I'm glad that you are gaining clarity and taking steps to deal with the most urgent issues.

She isnt a horrible person. She's just troubled. She's gone so wrong it's tragic

There are many words to use to describe a cheater and you've heard most of them. "Troubled" and "tragic" though are very soft. Given that it hasn't been long since DDay and you are still experiencing shock, those aren't uncommon terms for a betrayed spouse to use. But they aren't the whole picture.

She is broken and decidedly so. She does need help, but even more than that, she needs to see herself as broken and want to do the work to change. You can't fix her. The most skilled counselor can't either. It is going to come down to her own ability to press forward and change.

she's a fantastic mom

While she may be caring, playful and any number of other things, she betrayed your kids too. That's not fantastic. The ways that she has wounded you will impact them. The character gap that she has inside will impact them. That damage stands to make a real difference in your kid's futures and in their relationships.

She needs help. we both do.

That's spot on. Take good care of yourself and dive in to get help.

Keep posting. You have a lot of people who care about you here.

Yes. She probably is a great mum and somewhere in there is the woman you married. I have no doubts you love her.

But so what?

Do you really think that the other 50 thousand posters here didn’t love their spouses?

It’s not a question of love. It’s a question what YOU can accept. If your love for her is so immense you won’t risk losing her then why not just get her some condoms and turn a blind eye when she needs to have sex due to your sock selection this morning. After all – in an UNCHANGED environment there is NO WAY anything will change.

Let’s look at this from one angle. An angle that sort of contradicts her great mother image. She has sex with random internet pickups… Do you even start to realize the scope of the danger she’s placing herself and thereby her family in? The strangers she’s inviting into her life? The risk of STD’s? Think your kids living with mom while she wastes away from HIV will be a nice learning experience? Think finding pics of mom at milfgalore.com will get your kids friends at school?

Heck! Even single with no kids this would be immensely dangerous behavior.

There is NOTHING healthy or normal with this behavior.

Your marriage CAN survive. But ONLY from reality.

Hey DaL, so very sorry for everything you are going through.

I know you are in a lot of pain. But I promise you that this will get better at some point.

A couple of things. First I understand that you don't want to bash WW or make her out to be some sort of monster. You are right. She isn't. Troubled is the least of it though.

She's more like a raging addict that just had her supply taken away and I'm afraid things are going to get worse before they get better.

Please listen to what people are saying here. We are trying to help you avoid making your situation worse and trying to help you get out of infidelity. That should be your #1 goal. To get our of infidelity. So how do you do that?

First, your head is a mess. You need to get some oxygen and pay attention to yourself first. That starts with putting down the bottle and not going back to it. It's the middle of the night over there now so when that sun comes up, you do not pick the bottle back up because you need all your wits about you to get out of infidelity.

Did you read up on the 180 yet? Start using that now to focus on yourself. That you focus on YOU. I put those links in there on page 2.

Very safe to say you still don't have full truth yet. Of course she's nervous and scared of just about everything right now. She's afraid any more TT will send you packing and then the truth will really be out there. Stick firm to getting a poly as this will be your way to verify that there is no more TT IF things progress that far.

For now, you don't have to R or D. I would wait a few months to get your head on straight and evaluate how you feel in the long run. Unless you know that this is already a deal breaker for you. HOWEVER!! This means that you still have to take action to get out of infidelity. The absolute worst thing you can do for your situation right now is to stay idol.

Go see a solicitor asap. This does not mean you have to file for D. This means you have to learn your laws, your rights, and what is going to happen with the kids. Seeing a solicitor will also help get rid of some of the fear of the unknown. You can then use this knowledge to make better informed decisions as the battlefield continues to unfold in front of you. R or D is not a sprint. This is going to take time any which way you go so the sooner you see that solicitor the better for you AND the kids.

Your right. Your WW needs serious help. Guess what, you can't help her with HER issues. MC is not going to help her with her issues either. She has no boundaries, selfish, most likely addicted to ego kibbles, thrills, etc. Cancel the MC and focus on you in IC. MC will be completely ineffective until she fixes her shite. MC might even tell you that as well. She's still lying so there's no point in continuing to try and fix things that you have no foundation for what you are working with.

Do you have to go through NHS or your General Prac for IC? I work with the NHS from time to time so I know how slow they can be. Please hang in there.

Lastly, and this is something you have to realize as well. You are trying to protect your WW. She has to hit her rock bottom and show character to dig herself out. She is not a monster. But I would also argue that someone with narcissistic tendencies like an addict of some sort is not a good parent. She is setting terrible examples, not thinking things through with how this effects your kids. There environment is forever changed now. Doesn't mean she can't turn herself around. I'm not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater. That's even a WS in my tagline so I know they are not demons of some sort. My point here is that YOU have to be the good parent. Which is another reason to put that bottle down tomorrow. You have to set the example and lead your family out of infidelity.

Times up. Go expose the A to OMs wife now since he has not done so and is not willing to do so. The more exposure, the less likely the A is to go underground.

Get up DaL. You can do this. And you have 56K new best friends standing with you and to pick you up as you go.

yop

I'll repeat what I said to you earlier, you are in a state of shock but I'm glad to see some signs that it's lifting and you are starting to become more aware of the truth about your wife.

Cancel your MC appointment. It's a waste of time and money. Your wife needs IC to find out why she thought it made sense to enact Armageddon on you AND your children.

By the way, do you think your kids are at all to blame for what your wife did? What excuse does your wife have for doing this to them?

What you really need to be asking yourself is, is there any amount of work your wife can do that will ever allow you to trust her again? Think long and hard about this.

Your wife should be BEGGING you literally on her knees for another chance, and you should be thinking long and hard if she even deserves another chance. She went on a rampage. This was not a ONS or short affair. You may not even know the extent of it.

DO NOT do ANYTHING to save your marriage, this is the worst mistake you can make. Do ANYTHING to get out of indidelity, with or without your wife.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 7:11 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]

Your totally out of control WW is distraught from the abuse she getting from our comments??? WTF!!!!! What abuse? Speaking truth is abuse???

Dude you have a big mess on your hands. File and fight for custody seems to be the best option.

Remember how everyone here was right when they said there was more going on?

Well I can guarantee you they are right about everything else.

She is not broken, she is not sick, she is a lying cheater. A lying cheater that you had to threaten to get any info out of. She is not R material.

I know is a hard reality to accept. It's much easier to frame her as the victim of something or someone (you in is case). That way you can grasp onto that narrative and help "fix" her.

8 guys. 8 sexual flings. You would have to have a black belt and PhD in rugsweeping to push 8 dudes out of your psyche.

And if you succeed in the rugsweep, you will be back in the same situation in the future. It's a temporary fix at best.

Here is the list of sexting partners my WW had that I was able to find evidence on. I know there are more but I don't have proof.

JR

Michael

Doug

Derrick

Mat

Mr. Freel

Scott

That was too much for me to overcome and after trying for 11 months to make it work I finally filed and I feel like a new man!!!

Please everyone. She isnt a horrible person. She's just troubled. She's gone so wrong it's tragic yes, but she's a fantastic mom and if I had been there for her this might not have happened.

No I'm not blaming myself again, I'm done with that. But she isnt a monster. She needs help. we both do.

I'll let you know how next Wednesday goes (assuming I dont fall off a cliff! haha)

I'm sorry you find yourself in a situation not of your making. That being said, this is not the time for you to wallow in self pity. You need a clear mind in order to think and act decisively. Stay away from the booze for now. That'll just cloud your judgement. Trust me, we totally get what you are going through. Many of us have been in your very shoes to one extent or another, and we understand the desire to just be numb, but the truth of the matter is that the situation will not have changed for the better when you put the booze down. Tackle this problem with a clear mind, and you much more likely to make sound decisions.

This may be a bit of a 2x4, but it comes from a place of love, so treat it as such. The first thing you must do is train yourself not to blame yourself for your WW's bad decisions. It's tempting to try and shoulder some of the responsibility in order to understand this level of betrayal, but ultimately, blaming yourself lets your WW off the hook of actually facing up to what she chose to do. That's right, her actions were conscious choices she repeatedly made. This wasn't a mistake or anything like that. She coldly calculated her actions in order to get what she wanted regardless of the consequences, and the sooner you can both embrace this fact, the sooner you will both be able to move forward. Look, you can't have been 100% happy 100% of the time in your M. Did you decide to seek the solution to any marital problems you had outside the M? So what gave her the right to do that?

Second, stop allowing her to manipulate you. Let her take umbrage at what people on this forum have to say. That is her choice. No one called her names here. They just told the truth as they see it. You don't have to defend her. Focus on yourself for now, because I'll tell you one thing, she ain't focusing on you right now. She is in "cover her ass" mode right now, and she is willing to lie and manipulate in order to achieve her goal. Once you accept that, a lot of things will begin to make sense. Focus on you and your children. They need you to be strong now more than ever. Trying to "nice your WW back" is a recipe for disaster. If she wants to save the M, then the burden falls on her to tell the whole truth, to abide by any reasonable boundaries you set, and to work her tail off to find out why she did what she did... and protip, you "not meeting her needs" is not a valid reason. Throw that one out right away. She has issues she must confront, but the secret is she must want to confront them for her own sake... not in order to save a M.

You will also likely disagree with this, but a good mother does not jeopardize the stability of her family unit by having sexual rendez vous' with strange men she met on the internet in cars in parking lots. That is the very opposite if a good mother in my opinion. I only bring it up to encourage you to take the rose colored glasses off. You see, you still see her as the person you pictured before her A's came to light. You need to see her for who she is now to have any chance of moving forward. Yes, it may be a temporary stage in her life, but you must acknowledge it for what it is. Viewing her like the woman you thought she was now will only retard your efforts to move forward in any fashion you choose. Best of luck to you. Sorry this was so long.

So sorry, DaL. I got drunk my first night after DDay too, so I get it. But after that I didn't drink for a year. Still don't when I'm having a triggery week. Alcohol is a depressant, we all know that. What I've noticed though is that while it puts down the anxiety rather handily while we're imbibing, it rebounds nastily the next day so the symptoms are even worse.

Pour it down the drain and keep it out of the house until your personal recovery is well underway. I can't even tell you how sick I was that first couple of months from nerves, even sober. See your medical doctor and just lay it all out on the table. Believe me, s/he has heard it all and you'll need STD testing anyway. Your doctor can give you some medication which will help much better than the booze.

You're going to need a clear head for this next part. Remember, you don't have to agree to ANYTHING yet. It's still too early for you to know your mind on what you're going to want going forward. You're still absorbing the shock.

She agreed NC with all OM, and deleted the chat app from her phone. I found out a week later she had reinstalled it, though she says it was to get closure on the matter. It has been removed again.

I think this was for the best friend's husband. This is the one she is attached to emotionally. I don't discount that it was one of the other two full-on affairs. Or another man you haven't been told about. Second choice, after best friend's husband, would be the guy she met after revelation #3.

Is there a difference between methods of communication of best friend's husband vs. the other two full-on affairs vs. the one-time only cheating website other men?

Who was the one she stayed in the hotel?

This type of cheating, the other men are like cockroaches. For every one you see ... usually there are more. And these are the lowest of the low - those on the cheating websites - my opinion - meaning, they don't give up, because they are only there for sex, and seems a good lifestyle for them. They don't mind having sex with strange women in public toilets. Many if not most of them have wives and children. Who does that?

See the problems here for you? Mental gymnastics are needed here.

As far as the cockroaches go, now that you know, if she continues to meet them, likely you will pick up on it sooner rather than later. There have been other threads here like yours, but not that many. But there is an addictive behavior of it, and the wives in the other ones did get emotionally attached to at least one of the guys. Thus the mythical infidelity "closure" that ends in sex and more meetups.

I think your wife will have anger and resentment for you for stopping her relationships with these guys. They are part of her life now. She is attached with varying degrees to each of them. She doesn't want to just end. It is not logical, but that is a feeling.

Also, she discussed and even wrote a letter to you about her legitimate complaints about you, and that has never been fixed, and now that must be on the back burner. Yes, she went about fixing the problem the wrong way, she nuked the marriage rather than trying to continue to fix it. So now she gets to be the bad guy, when originally she had you as the bad guy. And she still doesn't get to fix this original problem which she used to rationalize the affairs. So there will be resentment until she can realize "I've changed my stance. Although I have a lot to answer for, nothing I've done equates to this."

What was her reasoning on the affair? And why the number of men? What did she think this was going to happen in the end?