SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NO MATTER WHAT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Not all marriages with kids lose that intimacy - BUT it requires communication and work and conscious action to keep it. It's natural to lose it.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION WITH YOU. Something like "Honey, I love you, but I feel undesired and I really need more intimacy. The lack of sexual fulfillment in our relationship right now is making me feel the urge to look elsewhere and I do not want to do that to you, to us or to our family. Can you help me overcome this?"

You had no agency, no choice, no chance to make this right because she decided to "problem solve" by lying and cheating and compromising your health and well-being so that she could avoid being slightly discomforted and honest.

She did this ON HER OWN. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Tell the other man's wife (co-worker).

Tell the other man's wife (long-distance friend).

Tell the wives of the other men (that you know of).

This should help end the affair. Also possibly give you some more truths. Likely.

It is not your fault she owns that. Cheaters are great at blameshifting.

She didn't not back out it just kiss anyone - she's had sex of some kind with at least one maybe more of the OM. Cheaters are great at minimizing.

You've already discovered she only admits to what she thinks you know and what she's been caught at - there's tons more you don't know.

If say it's too early for marriage counseling. She needs to be in IC for awhile working on herself and learning to be honest before the marriage issues can be tackled. Those still exist under the surface but cannot be properly addressed with infidelity thrown on top of it.

She's trickle truthing you, hovering over the phone scared of real transparency = not remorseful. Meaning you can't reconcile with this person yet.

Not to beat a dead horse.....well actually I am.

1. She CHOSE to cheat. Not just once or twice. She intentionally chose to reach out for these ego strokes. This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

2.She has had sex with at least one of these people. I guarantee if she met up woth any of these men she has had sex. These sites for meet ups are not for just groping.

YOU NEED TO BE STD TESTED. YOU NEED TO USE PROTECTION UNTIL SHE IS AND PROVES SHE IS CLEAN.

3.See a lawyer. You have not heardthe whole truth. You cannot R and rebuild your M until you have it. Know the depth and breadth of her actions.

4. She has to own her choices. She has to focus on why she allowed herself to make the choices she did instead of doing what is right.

Lots of people have depression that doesnt mean your spouse gets a free pass at cheating.

Not your fault. No one here is telling you this because it will make you feel better; it's a fact that you need to start accepting and fast. This is not your fault in any way.

With a few minor changes, your story is basically my story. In some ways, I was where you are early on (it's still early on, really, but I'm several weeks in -- still pretty much a noob).

Because your WW is likely reading this, I will leave it at that. Go to the healing library and do the 180.

As long as you COMMIT to the 180 (don't just talk, but DO), it won't matter if she knows what it is and that you're doing it.

Begin taking the steps to move on with your life. Your old life is gone, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can start making things better. Your wife will either shape up and move forward with you (on your terms, if YOU allow it) into something new, or she won't. These are your options right now, as hard as it is to hear.

Everything you do to allow yourself to take the blame instead of her, apologize to her, allow her to minimize, ignore it when you KNOW she's lying, make her feel better, indicate that you'll do ANYTHING to stay with her...the longer she'll be happy to keep living the current lifestyle (using you for the not-fun-but-necessary stuff, using other men for the "fun" stuff). You and your kids will suffer in that scenario.

It may take you a while to really "get" this. Still, the best advice I can give you is to IMPLEMENT THE 180. Start doing it even if you're scared or feel like you're not ready. I bet you'll begin to see results in 24 hours, and you will have the added benefit of your own inner peace/clarity. Something new is coming; you need to begin waking up to that fact NOW.

Breathe, be healthy, drink water, get some exercise, and focus on your kids and your work. Lots of people are here for you.

You are not alone here.

I'm sorry that you are here.

Something that you will learn here is that most cheaters act very similarly. It's almost as if there is a cookbook for cheating and they all follow it. Your story is very similar to mine.

To give some opinions and comments:

1. Go to the yellow box in the upper left-hand corner and explore the healing library.

2. It is not your fault. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on a spouse. It's ok to say "You've been emotionally unavailable to me and I want a divorce." It's NOT ok to cheat on a spouse who is emotionally unavailable.

3. My guess is that she has had oral sex, vaginal sex, and/or anal sex with all of the men in your story. Listen to you gut; it is almost always correct. She probably did not use condoms, so definitely get tested for STDs. If she was gone for much of the night, they were not playing Scrabble. If she signed up for a cheater's website, it was not for a little groping. My guess is that it gets easier to cheat after the first time...

4. The discovery of an affair/infidelity is a very traumatic experience. It is not an exaggeration for betrayed spouses to experience PTSD. I know that I did (and do, perhaps).

5. It is also possible that you have been suffering from depression all along... which will make this phase all the more difficult to deal with. In my case, I have been suffering from depression for years prior to D-day and that complicated by therapy. Anyway, get yourself to a therapist quickly and explain that you think that you have been suffering from depression prior to D-day.

6. Take care of yourself and your children. Focusing on eating well and sleeping. Get exercise. Avoid alcohol.

7. You should try and find out the duration of her infidelity. You might want to get genetic testing of your second child.

I'm sorry that you are here. Everyone here is really helpful and caring.

When you've read thread after thread you can see right through the lies. Feel like Neo in the Matrix. The code on the screen comes to life. Your wife is not only serial cheater but she's emotionally abused you to the point that you're actually blaming yourself for her heinous actions.

You've seen with your eyes how wanton she was through email and probably Skype with the LD guy. Do you really believe that she met 3 douches on a cheating website and didn't bang these guys? If you spent some time reading the threads you'll find that WWs in particular get buck wild for the APs. The wife that reluctantly performs oral once a year and would never let her husband near her back door, is enthusiastically performing BJTC and anal for these guys. It goes with the naughtiness of sneaking around.

But to be honest, the worst issue you have to deal with is the co-worker. More than likely she has feelings for him or at the very least has become addicted to their regular lunch tryst. She doesn't need a phone or email to communicate with him.

Don't confuse some hysterical bonding for your marriage being restored. Any woman capable of having sex with multiple men, can fake happiness with the husband to lull him back to sleep.

BTW she probably reinstalled the cheating app so she could warn the guys and get their stories straight as well as to delete the email strings in case you wised up and logged into the app.

You did nothing wrong and in no way caused her to go out an have these affairs. Believe that. I would bet when she first started telling you she was unhappy she was already having an affair. Get this book an read it. WOMENS INFIDELITY, WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY, "IAM NOT HAPPY" by Michelle Langley. The books a bit pricey but well worth it. For you its a bit after the fact but it will give you a lot of information. Really its a must read for all men an even women. Also, make sure you tell the spouses of the OM. Consequences. Stay strong.

I have only read your comments on this thread, so I may be repeating some advice.

No, she is not being 100% honest with you right now. If she were, then you would be able to recover those deleted texts. First, you don't need her permission to do so. Second run Dr Fone on her phone,and it will retrieve many deleted texts emails and pictures.

If she is so remorseful, I suggest she start her own account here and post on the wayward forum. They will set her straight very quickly that this was not your fault. I understand the BS wants to take the blame when their spouse cheats on them. As you feel then you will have some kind of control over whether she does it again or not. The truth is she chose to do this. She could've done many other things that didn't involve cheating on you... and those children. And make no mistake she betrayed your children just like you she betrayed you. She chose to cheat because she wanted to. Very deliberately, and very purposefully.

Get the polygraph. And run a program to retrieve the deleted texts, pictures, and emails. She is 100% lying to you. Everyone of us understand your wanting to believe that she is telling the truth. Sadly, she's not. Your wife is not a special snowflake, she's your average cheater. And the hovering near you when you're checking the phone, is indication enough that she is lying. And that she will not allow you to retrieve the deleted text, is proof positive that she's cheating.

Have you told the other betrayed spouse of the married man she cheated with about the affair? Because she deserves to have that truth too.

I'm sorry you're here. This is the best website out there for getting yourself out of infidelity. The comments may be harsh, but that doesn't make them any less truthful. Please do not make the mistake of thinking that we don't know your wife, so we don't really know what happened. Your story is common, sadly. Cheaters follow script. And she's absolutely lying to you.

It's very unfortunate that you showed her this site. This should be your safe place. Now she will just learn how to say the right things and go through the right mives for you to think she's remorseful.

Have her sign up and post on the wayward forum. We have some fabulous former waywards here. They will help her. And we will help you.

Do not take the blame for her cheating..

Marriage is a partnership not a prison where one has to be at his/her most dazzling, 24-7 in order to keep his/her partner from cheating..

I mean, hello, life goes through ebbs and flows with its various events...Parenthood can be extremely exhausting, especially on top of a demanding stressful full time job..

I struggled to find balance in giving of myself to my job, my kids, my WH, without killing myself or murdering somebody else, lol..

In a healthy marriage, both partners have permission to rest, knowing that they each have the other's back..

Partners are safe to be themselves in all seasons..Energetic, drained, exuberant, quiet..

No one should be at the other's beck and call for sex or attention...Either/ or is a gift, a blessing of time that one shares with his or her partner..Not something to be taken for granted..

If she was feeling dismissed, neglected, she could have come to you with her concerns..If nothing happened, she could have escalated things..To the point of having you served...

Cheating just puts another layer of crud on the existing difficulties in a relationship..

Your WW's affairs are NOT YOUR FAULT!!! She could have communicated to you that her needs are not being met and she is unhappy. Instead she did the worst thing possible and on an extreme level.

You have a long road ahead. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Right now you feel relieved that she isn't leaving the marriage, that is all, and you are blame yourself for her affairs so that you can find away to forgive the UNFORGIVABLE!!

You will come out of the shock fog and realize this is all on her and you are going to be really crushed from the betrayal. Been there done that. I too blamed myself, I wasn't pay her enough attention, wasn't putting enough effort to make her happy, blah blah bullshit!!!!!!!!!!

Your WW needs professional help ASAP, she is completely broken, my god man, she is out of control. She is not a safe partner, she will cheat again and again and again.

I would recommend doing the 180, get STD tested, and don't make any decisions. She needs professional help and full transparency with all her devices. You need to have a tracking device on her at all times. She is out of control, totally addicted to high she is getting from the attention, she needs more and more and more. COW, old friend, hook up sites, MY GOD MAN how are you able to take her back so easily??

Unfortunately, you're probably going to have 4am wake ups for a very long time, not untypical for you the betrayed spouse (BS) while your wayward wife (WW) sleeps like a baby.

I can relate to your story and how you feel, questioning what ifs, had I done this or that, but ultimately you'll recognise that emotional distance in a marriage happens...all the time...busy raising kids, working jobs, life's pressures and stresses. That's life, that's typical! It does not provide a green light to cheat! There were so many other, grown up, mature options available to your WW.

As everyone else has said, you are not to blame for her poor, immature, selfish choices...that's 100% on her. 100% her decision and hers to own...not yours!

Very sorry you are here. Listen to folks like wk55hn who some of us owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to for their knowledge and advice. Keep reading here, there's no better resource available to help you navigate forwards.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 3:06 PM, January 1st (Sunday)]

DazedandLos: Sorry if I was too aggressive with my response.

The good news with your situation is that it looks like you got the lion's share of the betrayal revealed quickly. Trickle truth is a painful.

You know what she has done, sexting with some friend, sexting and meeting with a COW, meeting guys from a hook up site.

You got the cat out of the bag quickly, that's good. However the extreme of her betrayal IMO is going to be very difficult for you to overcome. You are still in shock right now and are relieved that she isn't leaving you for another man. Soon the reality will hit, it will all start clicking, your mind is going to start going over all the deetails, all the different men, and it will be hard to forgive.

If you plan on staying with her in the present, don't have sex until you both are tested for STDs. Do the 180 and schedule IC for her this week.

If you rug sweep this betrayal this extreme betrayal it will repeat. It sounds like that is your current path, just rug sweep this mess and it will go away. Start dating and having fun, having sex holding hands. Your WW is probably very happy this is the path you are taking. She will think that she has no consequences, that if she does it again, she will just get more attention from you.

As you can tell from the number of responses, the mere thought of taking any blame for your spouses cheating is a major hot button. The basic reasons behind it are (1) wayward spouses use that angle to minimize their behavior by blameshifting and (2) betrayed spouses end up, often willingly, taking responsibility for way more than they should. Unfortunately, both of these seem to be in play with you.

when I found out it was 5 guys, I was actually relieved!

While I understand your "relief" from an emotional connection standpoint, this is actually very bad news. If her "reason" for cheating is that she was feeling lonely and disconnected, then her actions should have been to try to establish an emotional connection with another person. But that isn't what she did. As a result, her "reasoning" and your willingness to accept fault all falls apart.

She went all out on serial cheating with an emphasis on a sexual connection site for meeting strangers. That comes from a deeply broken character. That isn't something that you caused or at fault for. It likely has been there for a long time and either (1) she only took the opportunity to act on it recently or (2) you don't yet know the full extent of her actions. Given what she has told you so far (that she didn't go to a hotel despite her "working a late shift", that she was on a Married Cheaters website but has "only kissed" people she met, that she won't let you recover anymore evidence and that she continues to give you trickle truth, you have a 99.9999% chance of it being #2.

In the days and even weeks after DDay (discovery day), it is common for a betrayed spouse to go through a period of shock/denial. It's a normal way that the brain and body tries to protect itself from being overwhelmed. That is where you are right now. That is why your brain is struggling to make the connections that all of us are quickly detailing for you.

My suggestions for you are:

1. Your wife isn't telling you the truth. Going down the path of "trickle truth" inflicts more pain and further damages your ability to trust her ever again. She needs to come fully clean. Be ready for a much more extensive storyline than you know today.

2. Your wife's serial cheating, especially her involvement with a cheating/hookup site, is very advanced and that makes the odds of being able to successfully reconcile very low. It will be her ability to see herself as really broken and her self-motivation to understand why and to change that will determine if there is any chance. She will need to show, through actions over a long period of time, that she can change to a safe partner.

3. You can't fix her and it wasn't your fault. Stop giving her an excuse and stop handing her reasons why she doesn't have to do a lot of hard work on her own accord.

4. The trauma from betrayal is huge and will take, on average, 2-5 years to heal from. Take care of yourself and focus there. A good IC (individual counselor) can be a huge benefit.

5. You've admitted your own faults that you dismissed in the past. You'll want to look at those at some point for your own health and strength, especially if you are depressed. Finding a good psychiatrist or doctor would be the path to take.

6. Working on healing your marriage won't go much of anywhere until your wife has addressed her issues and you've done some healing as well. Don't rush into MC (marriage counseling).

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 6:59 PM, January 1st (Sunday)]

Hello and welcome to SI DaL. So very sorry you find yourself here. You have been getting some sound advice. In case you didn't absorb from ALL the other posts in your thread that this is NOT your fault, let me give you another point of view that I want you to consider.

Your WW cheated on your 2 kids just the same as she did you. Infidelity effects the entire family unit. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but they could have found out just as easily as you did. That's my point of view as I caught my mother cheating when I was 16. As a betrayed child I can tell you that I internalized a lot and blamed myself as well. Was I not good enough as a kid? Did I do something to drive her away? All the same questions, doubt, and self blame that most BSs feel (minus the sex stuff). Those feelings of betrayal, broken trust, etc. Did your kids do anything to deserve that? Just because they don't know doesn't mean that they weren't cheated on.

It is no more your kids fault that it is your fault. The affairs are squarely on your wife's shoulders.

Another perspective. I was in the same boat as you. I have been married for 16 years now. I have 3 kids of my own. My wife and I became "room mates". Focused all of our energy on the kids and not each other. Got to the point where we even stopped having sex. You know what happened? Neither one of us cheated. That's what. It's a long story on how we turned out marriage around, but there wasn't any infidelity. So that "room mates" theory of yours made her cheat or you were pushing her away or whatever is a massive amount of bullocks. There are a million and one other possibilities that should have happened besides your WW cheating on the family.

Has it sunk in yet that it's not your fault?

Let's look at your WW for a second. It can be argues that affairs have to have at least 2 things in place for a person to cheat. They are selfish and they have poor boundaries. I would say that your WW has both. Clearly she has zero boundaries. That should be one of the things that she's working on in IC. She's not safe for anyone including herself. There are many other reasons why people have affairs and she needs to dig deep to figure out her whys. But none of those whys have to do with you. Nor can you fix any of her whys. That's something she has to figure out and then work at.

Sure everyone has marriage problems. Many of those marriage problems can be shared 50/50 but none of the marriage issues are why she cheated. Not really. Your kids aren't married to her and she cheated on them just the same. Even if your kids don't know, one thing that they do understand is that their home environment with you and WW is forever changed. They can feel that. THAT is something that is a direct result of her cheating.

You are also most definitely still being lied to. Trickle Truth is often the true marriage killer. There will definitely be more to come. Your WW is a serial cheater and proven liar at this point She has her work cut out for her whether you R or D.

I will echo that you need to get tested for STI's asap. You also need to see a solicitor asap in an effort to educate yourself so that you can make sound decisions going forward. Seeing a solicitor will also take away from the fear of the unknown.

Read up and start to use the 180. It's desined for you to detach so that you can make better decisions going forward. I'll include some links here as well as some links to help get you started here on SI if you haven't read them already:

You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Before you say reconcile...Recover!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=561390

For the newly betrayed

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=535178

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443

My 10,000th post - You Are Going To Be Ok

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

Another Great Post for Newbies to read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with your WS:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Calling all BSs...:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479

You can use these links as a reference as you move forward as well. Very sorry you are here DaL. You are in the right place.

Keep reading and keep posting.

yop

If it truly is your fault and she fully thinks that’s true, then friend – your marriage has NO CHANCE whatsoever as a monogamous marriage.

Not unless she can tell your right away and ahead of any infidelity what actions and behaviors you might have that force her to cheat.

Like: “are you going to wear those socks? They make me have to go and smooch that guy in marketing”, or “you better mow the lawn or I have to give the cute guy next door a BJ”.

If those sentences don’t make sense to you then that’s simply because her excuse doesn’t make sense. Nothing you did or did not do MADE her cheat. She DECIDED to cheat and she might excuse it through your actions.

I think you two need to face some basic truths. Some things that experience shows us here on SI repeatedly are needed to reconcile.

1) She must accept that she DECIDED to cheat. Nothing you did or did not do makes that the correct decision.

2) Her actions – repeated OM – is not normal. It’s an indication of something seriously wrong in her. That needs fixing for her own sake irrespective of the marriage and while she still thinks multiple affair partners is a great idea then NO WORK on the marriage will pay off. Even a single person with no accountability to a spouse would be placing herself in immense risk with online sexual encounters. Just think what a jilted lover could do with the material she has sent him! Think your kids will be fine with their mum on some milf site?

3) Your marriage needs the absolute truth. You can recover from nearly anything. Including learning that WW and OM were at it like rabbits at the hotel. But you can’t recover from what you don’t know.

She has to realize that telling you the truth now will be better than keeping a secret or you discovering the truth a year from now.

You must realize that not thinking you have the truth prevents you from fully reconciling.

.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:56 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

First...I'm sorry.

Second...She wasn't distraught by the abuse we were giving her. She was freaked out because she knew we were right, and she didn't want you to find out.

Third....no one is going to say we told you so. We all understand wanting to believe your spouse.

Fourth...If OM does tell his wife, you need to speak to her to make sure she was told the truth..as you know all to well..cheaters lie.

Fifth...If you decide to attempt reconciliation...follow through with the polygraph. That way you have a basis of truth to start with.

Sixth...You both need to be tested for stds.

Seventh...I'd make her posting here in the wayward forum a requirement.If she wants reconciliation.

Eighth....I'm so sorry.

Get out of this train wreck of a marriage an focus on yourself an your children. Stay strong.

There is absolutely nothing you did to cause your wife to cheat. You were in the same marriage and did not cheat.

She is broken.

8 guys. I know you are hurting, but let that sink in. 8 guys (minimum). How will you ever be able to trust her again? Work isn't safe, the internet isn't safe, hell her friends aren't even safe from her.

I actually pro-reconciliation but wow, that's going to be hard to work through mentally. In my case, one was bad enough.