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Ok, I guess. We're in the eye of the storm, everything is quiet and peaceful.

Lie detector done and dusted. STD tests all came back clear today.

I'm eating again. Not exactly "proper" eating, but something is better than nothing. No pains anymore. I know that was silly but it was "my" thing, something I could control. I dont need that now.

Had first MC yesterday. It was fine. Good start. Her IC is much more important, but we'll keep the MC going as well.

... and that's where we are. Sitting. Waiting. There's nothing more I want to ask, nothing more I think I need to know.

Not really sure what to do next, except wait for time to pass.

Good to see you are starting to feel a bit better DaL. Hopefully healing is just getting started.

Not really sure what to do next, except wait for time to pass.

Don't do this. Don't become complacent. I see what your saying in that your WW's actions will prove whether or not your marriage will continue. You need time to continue to watch your WW's actions, but there are still plenty of other steps that you can do. Don't become complacent.

What about boundaries that I talked about. Have you started to explore those with WW at all? What are your needs? Ever think about having her send you photos periodically of where she is and what she's doing while you are at work? Being away from her are the hardest times right? What about installing any apps on her phone? What are the things you need to feel safe? Like your WW not discussing your marriage with outsiders? How about setting up a day each week to discuss any questions that you have? Or have her tell you what her progress in IC has been?

Don't become complacent. Don't rugsweep.

yop

Dazed,

Here is an example of some boundaries. These are mine. Free to steal edit, whatever. You need something like this in place and be clear which boundaries or conditions are deal breakers

• Maintain NO CONTACT with your affair partners. Alert me immediately if they attempt to contact you

• Refuse or back out of any social commitments that I can’t attend with you.

• Provide me access to any means that a man could contact you. Phone, email, computer, social media etc..

• Remove any family pictures from my sight that were taken during the affair timeline. Do not throw them away, but keep them in a place that I will not run across them.

• Combine your cell service to mine and get an iphone so we can always know where each other is

• Do not delete any emails, texts, or phone call records. I may check on this from time to time and if the records do not match I will consider it possible deception

• Tell me anytime you are contacted or approached by another man that is not family. Regardless of how innocent

• Cut off friendship with any men or women that you know have cheated on their spouse and any friends who supported your affairs. Friends that disagreed with the affairs and expressed concern can remain your friends, but they will not be considered my friend as they allowed me to live in deception.

• You can only drink with me. This includes even at home. You have shown me that you can develop a relationship regardless of where you are

• When we are out socially we leave together as soon as one of us expresses a desire to do so

• Attend counseling and face the part of you that allowed the affairs

• Do not blame me for the affairs. Accept full ownership of what you have done. We share equal responsibility for the health or struggle in our marriage. I have zero responsibility for the infidelity

• Do not criticize, make fun, or talk poorly of another couples marriage or relationship

• Do not discuss our marriage with any men outside of the family

• For the rest of our lives we both must clearly express any unhappiness we experience in the marriage. Either of us should let the other one know that we need to discuss our marriage and find a calm quiet setting for us to talk. Arguments and other heated moments are not the time to express serious marital concerns.

• Never allow yourself to be in a one on one setting with another man, both outdoors and indoors. If there is no other option I must have knowledge prior to it.

• IF THERE IS ANY TRUTH THAT YOU ARE STILL HOLDING BACK RELEASE IT NOW FOR YOUR HEALING AND MINE. If you are holding anything back for fear of hurting me or losing me you are making a terrible mistake and leaving us in a position to fail healing this marriage. Any part of the stories that I have wrong. Any part of the story I am missing. Let me know for your healing and mine.

• Tell our parents about your affair and the one night stand in person. I’m not going to be the man they know for a long time and it’s unfair to me to have to fake it around them or carry the burden of hiding it from them.

We've already covered a lot of this. We have our boundaries. There's NC. I have full access to all devices and social media.

Thing is, she's not in that dark place anymore. Everything is out in the open. Lie detector proved that. She hasnt got any more (big) secrets.

Obviously trust will still be an issue but she gained a lot of points with the detector test and the timeline.

I dont imagine for one moment she still has contact, or is thinking for a second about starting up that whirlpool of terrible things again. We're past that.

Her IC is the most important thing right now. Our marriage can wait, I'm not going anywhere as long as the boundaries are kept.

It's just weird to know what to do in the meantime. I hate how every conversation turns to the serious Q+A. I'd like for a change to talk about the weather, or the neighbours horrible new car, or go shopping for a new jumper. Something less dramatic.

Until we get anywhere with IC and MC, until we get a level of trust and respect back, I dont know if I've got a prisoner, a friend, a partner or a stranger beside me.

I miss my wife so very desperately.

Tom Hanks once said in CastAway, “So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in.”

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 10:46 AM, January 12th (Thursday)]

It's just weird to know what to do in the meantime. I hate how every conversation turns to the serious Q+A. I'd like for a change to talk about the weather, or the neighbours horrible new car, or go shopping for a new jumper. Something less dramatic.

Definitely set some time for this 'mundane' 'normal' relationship stuff whenever you can. It helps a lot along the way.

If I need to talk about or she needs to talk about it, we try to set up a time. Usually after dinner.

Life isn't normal at all, and random questions do pop into my head all hours of the day, but doing some regular life stuff anyway helps me and my fWW connect and build something beyond the horror show.

I would suggest doing some activity based fun things together - sport or bowling or something - so there is a third thing between you that you focus on and bond in a new way through. Something interesting, a flow activity (i.e. engrossing). You do need to rest up from wall-to-wall infidelity stuff both of you.

Just a suggestion but one thing that worked for my wife and I was to schedule a night every week to deal with our issues. Every Tue night for a few months we could ask each other questions and talk as we needed to. We made it a priority as our schedules were nuts with kids activities and day to day life. We would try and limit the conversations to this night so not to have as much stress going during the week with all the day to day stuff we had going on. If we thought of a question we would like to ask we wrote it down in a notebook throughout the course of the week. We didn't use the notebook all that much BUT it did help my wife to see the harder questions I was going to ask in advance so that she could prepare herself.

Just a thought anyway to help limit the stress to certain times. Of course you could do any variation that works for you guys.

yop

i totally agree that setting aside a specific serious talk time can save your sanity!

its also useful after the a talks slowly dwindle.

We're past that.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer in this, and I am glad she passed the lie detector test.

I do want to point out the danger in the above statement. Neither of you are past this. Just because she is demonstrating remorse does not mean she will no longer be a wayward. Just because you are not triggering right this second does not mean that one may not be just around the corner.

Until she unpacks her issues in counseling, and truly understands the why behind her wayward tendencies, you must not adopt this attitude. Additionally, it would be wholly unhealthy to give her even a modicum of trust until she does so.

You have a good start to reconciliation. Don't mess it up by getting comfortable and subsequently sweeping it under the rug.

Just to frame what others are saying in a different way, collective SI wisdom says that it takes anywhere between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Years. Now most folks, when they see that, shrug that figure off. C'mon, it's gotta be an exaggeration. Well, I'm 17+ months out from DDay with a nearly model remorseful wife - IC, open communication, workbooks, quitting volunteer work, exposure, NC, the whole thing - and we are nowhere near over and done with this. It's an emotional rollercoaster and Year 2 has in some ways been harder than Year 1; something I never imagined possible. It takes a great deal of work, on both the BS's and WS's part. And time. Lots and lots of time.

It's still very early for you. You've made progress. A good deal of it in a short period of time. Keep the momentum going.

1) Listen to your subconscious and let it tell you what you need to heal. In turn, in clear and blunt terms tell her as well.

2) Don't stuff feelings; allow yourself to experience and process them

3) She needs a psychologist; don't let her backslide

4) Don't trust her yet. Until she fixes the brokennness that gave her the desire, the ability to lie, and the ability to beak vows, she will be a wayward. The sexual equivalent of a dry drunk. Which is why #3 is so important.

Had first MC yesterday. It was fine. Good start. Her IC is much more important, but we'll keep the MC going as well.

Very good, keep up the good work!

How about IC for you too?

To reiterate what others have said, I was definitely the guy who thought 2-5 years seemed ridiculous and at 22 months no longer thinks that time frame is unrealistic at all.

And that's with my WS sticking to all her pledges.

It does improve over time but you are still in shock and it's going to take it's own course.

In the meantime, you start start doing things with each other to remind yourselves of why you got together in the first place. Your old M is gone and - should you both commit and stick it out - a new one is going to take its place.

Good luck

Well we are now two MC sessions under our belts, she still has her IC to come.

I think the MC is doing her good. Not sure it's doing anything for me. Perhaps that's too negative. I just need someone to show me a magical way through this and obviously that's not going to happen.

We have some good days. Mostly when I put the events out of my head we get on well. It just takes one trigger, one memory, one song, a long drive in my car, 5 mins staring into space, and the enormity of it comes crashing back. Then my little demon rejoices in the fact that I hate myself, and I'm hurting myself by not eating, and I lash out and say spiteful things to my WW, who to her credit takes it all and doesnt complain. That just makes me feel more guilty and again rejoice in the fact I'm punishing myself.

Work continues to suffer. My projects are all on hold, I avoid calls about them and spend my days at work staring at the walls.

Sleep continues to evade me. I usually wake up around 3am. Sometimes just lie there til 7am then get up and start the day.

The rumour at work is that I have a terminal illness. I havent denied it.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow, Jack.

That's how it goes. If she does that for six months, nine months, a year, and a year-and-a-half, you will see it gets a lot better.

It is too soon now, but you can figure out your end of this marriage and improve it, too. Maybe best to stay things consistent for now if it's working and make sure she and you both communicate how you feel.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 11:26 AM, January 17th (Tuesday)]

((((DazedandLost))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Sadly, the only way out is to go through it. And time. It takes time.

I understand not being able to eat, and also deliberately refusing to eat. It might be hard to believe, but we all really need to follow through on the basics in order to be able to handle these difficult periods.

Sleep. It's a basic. Of course you can't sleep, you have been traumatized. See if you can get a sleep aid prescribed for you. You will start to notice a difference when you have been able to get some sleep.

Eating. It's another basic. Stop sabotaging yourself on this. Even if it's just a meal replacement shake or a few bites of yogurt, get back into the habit of putting a little food in your mouth at normal meal times.

Hydrating. Yep, basic. Take sips of water throughout the day. You don't want to have to deal with headaches and kidney stones on top of betrayal.

Movement. Try to move, exercise if you feel up to it, gentle walking if not. It can help to distract you so that you are not always in a state of suffering.

Please take care of yourself. For yourself and for your children.

((((DazedandLost))))

Thanks for checking in and for the update DaL. Sorry you are going through all of this but it's to be expected that these feelings are going to go on for a bit. It's called the emotional rollercoaster from hell for a reason.

Then my little demon rejoices in the fact that I hate myself, and I'm hurting myself by not eating, and I lash out and say spiteful things to my WW, who to her credit takes it all and doesnt complain. That just makes me feel more guilty and again rejoice in the fact I'm punishing myself.

Punishing yourself is going to have to stop. I get why you try and hurt yourself or turn a lot of it back on yourself. First, in some ways it's easier to blame yourself. Second, starving yourself is a form of control. It's something that you can control when everything else is out of control. Same goes for hurting yourself. Lastly, it's also a form of spite. "I'm going to harm myself before you do. I'm taking the power of you hurting me and giving it to myself so fuck you!".

A lot of this is "normal" but some of it is not. You cannot sustain this or you will cause long term damage to yourself or worse. I'm worried about you. You say that IC is not an option for you and yet these things right here suggest you need it more than anyone.

I could be off base in those things. Am I?

yop

eta - I'm not trying to yell at ya or be harsh. I'm genuinely worried about you.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:35 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL! She is a grown adult. She is responsible for her needs, not you. If she wasnt getting her needs met and she felt like she couldnt get them met from you, then she should have been adult enough to leave. Their is no excuse for cheating.

Just selfishness on her part... I am sure she wasnt the perfect spouse either and you did not cheat.

Got your back DaL!

Up high...lol

[This message edited by Wool94 at 11:53 AM, January 18th (Wednesday)]

If you held a gun to her head and threatened to pull the trigger unless she had sex with someone else, then yes, it's your fault she cheated.

Otherwise, no.