SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope to find anybody who had a similar experience of having "100 steps back" after having a significant progress to overcome infidelity. Does anybody had a situation when a BS SAW real picture of affair?

Me and my wife were in 4 months after I told her about my affair... We had up and downs, but all this time she was attracted to me and that gave me courage to go through anything for the sake of saving our marriage (I love my wife by all hearts...). But three weeks ago she demanded remote access to my work computer. It was 6am (I was sick and had a particular hard day of work ahead - I had to teach 3 hour lecture after my main work) and I did not handle it too well (we "agreed" to postpone all arguments to after work to make my work possible... I am the only earner in the family and work requires concentration and creativity). I did give access and made sure I stayed with her (when she was going to bathroom and prepare kids for school) to avoid any doubt that I'd use that time to "clean" my PC.

I was absolutely sure it was clean... so, when she finally got to the computer with remote login, I left her... after some time she come up to me and told with trembling voice "you did not delete the photos." It was a shock... perfect example of "false memory". I was sure I did it in the first days post D-day, but in the shock and owe of that time I somehow missed a folder on my PC and never thought about looking through my files and check it again (it makes me sick to think about my affair after D-day and overwhelming guilt).

To cut short, now my wife cannot tolerate even my touch... forget about hugging. She is just disgusted with me. After the photos discovery, she returned to a couch and things are now even worse then after D-day. It was so bad... (and my suicide attempt made things even worse).

Three weeks passed and I did manage to "get my shit together".

Did anybody here have similar experience? Of BS seeing photos (my and other women naked). Is there a hope of recovering after THAT? I skipped many details, it is just hard to write about it for me now. Before, I could provide some help for my wife... now she is "alone"... and I am "the trigger" and make her life miserable...

I did the exact same thing and my BW found pics I thought had been long deleted. Use this opportunity to revisit the story you've told, make sure it's the 1000% truth, with nothing left out. Are there other pics that you did delete? Tell her about them now, make sure there is no more trickling of the truth, nothing left for her to discover. The betrayal is really bad, making her relive it each time she finds another file is even worse. I told my BW about a video that I deleted, and described a few other pics she couldn't recover. It was shameful, it hurt her like mad, but it was the only way she could possibly heal and the only way I could start over with her.

We are now 16 months out, doing well, I still have more work to do and years demonstrating that I am who she thought I was, who I always thought I was. This isn't the end, it's another opportunity to come clean with everything. Do it, it is the only way to truly have an honest chance at R.

Thank you, Guiltyinky. I believe Those photos were all I had...

Did your wife have the same reaction of loosing all interest in you? How long it took her to be able to even "concider" you as a partner? Are those photos keep returning in her head when you are intimate?

I found out about his PA from photos. Now these photos were not very explicit but it was a picture of his hand on her partially bare ass.

Her pants or whatever she was wearing was half way down her ass and his hand was on the bare skin and fingers under the clothing.

I see these pics everyday in my head. There are 4. They are burned into my brain. I also found a picture of his penis that he didn't admit to sending her but she told me he sent. I knew he sent it because why the hell else would he take a picture of his own penis. I have put the sweater he was wearing in the picture in the garbage and this picture is also burned into my brain. In the 35 years I have known him, he has NEVER sent me a picture of himself.....EVER.

IF my WH had pictures of him and MOW naked together, having sex or just standing there, it would be burned into my brain and I have to admit, I think I would have a hard time touching my WH or letting him touch me. The thought of his hands and other body parts on her and her on him makes me want to vomit......every day. He allowed someone else to touch what was GIVEN to me by him when we said our vows and he touched another after promising not to.

Just the thought of them together makes me want to vomit and if I had pictures like you say she saw? I doubt I would ever be able to R to be honest. I already have PTSD....explicit pictures would NEVER leave my mind.

I hope that helps you understand what your BS is dealing with. It really is pure hell.

[This message edited by deephurt at 7:09 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

I also discovered pictures. It was a pretty hard blow to my self-esteem. This woman looked a lot like me except she hadn't had three kids. Did your wife have any self-esteem issues relating to her appearance before finding out about your affair? It's one thing to know your husband has been unfaithful but it's another thing to see this woman in the flesh. Especially if you perceive this person to be a more attractive version of yourself. Be gentle with your wife right now. If she can't handle you touching her then you need to respect that. Reinforce to her that you do find her physically attractive. do not draw any sort of comparisons between her and the affair partner. Also do not lie and say that you didn't really find The Other Woman attractive because we have a pretty good radar for bs. I wouldn't say it's hopeless but it's a very hard blow, both because she feels that you have deceived her and because she may be comparing herself to these women. Be patient and be supportive.

My pics were not of us having sex, but were my AP doing different poses and actions, many at my request.

There are some acts that took a long time (many months) before my BW was comfortable with, and took lots of patience and discussions and false starts. If your pics were of you having sex w your AP, I imagine those images will be burned in her head for a long time.

Become the person you need to become, be patient, be loving, and be considerate of her fears and feelings. It will take time, lots of time. The more patience, understanding, and remorse you demonstrate by your actions the better for her. Don't ever forget that she has seen this and that she is going to see them for a long time.

It will get better if you do the hard work, and be there for her.

I am a BS and although the only pictures I saw of the OW were selfies taken in her car at the McDonald's drive-thru, I read plenty of steamy sexting between them. I was crushed. She described how she liked to s@#k his c@$k and what position she liked best...but once I let that simmer for months I finally thought "Hey, it was an affair. Did I think they sat around and played gin rummy?" Yes it hurt but my WH has been remorseful and honest and turned over every password but forgot a few sexting messages and photos of them on vacation in Florida (at our condo) like they were a married couple. That probably hurt more than naked pictures.

Is your wife registered on SI? I think it would help her tremendously. Some BS stories are so much worse than mine and forums are helpful. Please tell her that another BS wants her on SI. It has helped me so much. Good luck to you both. I hope your wife's heart will grow to love you again and you prove to her that you are worth it.

I also saw pictures of my ex during the affair, we've been divorced 2 yrs almost and I can vividly remember all of them. Honestly the photos and the texts, besides the fact he wouldn't stop cheating, was a huge reason I wouldn't be able to ever be with him. Seeing all that concrete proof of his affair was just too painful and I can't forget what I had seen.

BS here... I discovered the photos of he and OW in our car, in the hote lobby, parking lot, elevator and even some in the room - FWH is in his underwear. OW posted this all on Facebook and that's how I learned of it. In total 126 photos and four videos burned into my brain before I even had a proper confession.

It's devastating and cruel. I needed EDMR therapy to ease the intensity to which those images brought me to my knees. I couldn't function - all I saw was OW half naked in hotel room mirror and my husband standing near the bed in his underwear and the $5000 watch I gave him for our 15th wedding anniversary.

There is no easy way around this. She is going to be dealing with this for a long time. She is going to hurt, cry, and grieve again. If she isn't in IC, now would be a good time. Do not let his hinder your progress. Continue showing her through actions that you are remorseful and will do anything to make her feel safe.

I saw tons of photos of my husband being intimate with an OW. Even worse... video, right down to the porno cum shot.

It's the most brutally disturbing thing I've ever had to endure and right now, two years later, my hands are shaking and my heart is palpating as I type these words. I cry every time I remember it, even now.

This is trauma. So, you treat it like trauma.

I've heard that EMDR therapy works best when it's done early. The higher brain function of the frontal cortex is only in loose connection with the amygdala (the lizard brain), so just as my amygdala was triggered again by reading your post, so too was my fight-flight-freeze response resulting in physiological symptoms. Trauma therapies like EMDR and neurofeedback help to "connect" the higher brain function and the emotional brain.

You can't really talk yourself out of trauma because that part of the brain isn't responsive to it. So, I can certainly provide logical arguments to myself and reason that this is not what's happening now, but my body still reacts as if it was confronting an immediate situation.

This does not mean that your BW will necessarily withdraw from R. The frontal cortex ultimately makes that decision to stay or go. But the amygdala is going to be on hyperalert until the trauma is fully processed. How long that will take is dependent upon the level of trauma and how aggressively it's dealt with.

In retrospect, I do wish that I had sought trauma therapy early on. Instead, I white-knuckled it and even though we're solidly in R, I'm still getting bitten on the ass with these physiological symptoms whenever I'm strongly triggered. The good news is that these episodes don't last as long, and in the time it's taken to write this post, my hands have stopped shaking and my heart rate is already returning to normal. So, time really does help, as does learning to recognize what's happening in the body.

I would also suggest that if she hasn't seen her medical doctor for help with anxiety, that's something which helped me too in the early days. I had gotten to the point where the "lizard brain" was so out of control it was ramping up adrenaline and cortisol dozens of times every day, like that feeling you get when you've been in a really close call while driving, knees knocking and stomach turning afterward. A few months of that and I was so physically ill that I needed medication to calm it.

Try a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk for a more thorough explanation of PTSD.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:00 AM, January 26th (Thursday)]

These stories are heartbreaking. I just saw a photo of my wh and the ow at a work function, arms around each other, posted on a public site. They looked like a couple on a date and my heart still breaks. They knew they were going back to her hotel together that night, and I was 2 miles away covering his absence to our kids and wondering what the fuck was going on in my life. And he was dressed up fantasizing about her. I could still cry and it's been over 2 years.

Thank you everybody for your responses. ChamomileTea, thank you for encouragement and EMDR advice. Already bought a book. But my wife dismiss all my suggestions to seek help now... I'll keep suggesting as soft as possible whenever she will be not in complete shut down.

I'll keep working on myself, support her and hope for the best, but prepared for the worse to not let her down whatever will happen in our road through the hell...

Trauma therapy is effective no matter when it occurs--even years and years later.

That said, the sooner she sees an IC specializing in trauma, the better. Even if it doesn't improve outcome, it minimizes the duration of her unbearable pain. I think it took about 3 weeks for me to get into my specialist IC, but relief was near-immediate. It didn't make me want to R, but it allowed me to survive. THAT was the goal---not getting me to want to touch my husband more rapidly.

The thing is, YOU telling her she needs to see an IC will go over like a lead balloon.

If there is someone who loves her and knows about the infidelity, maybe s/he could share info about the kinds of treatment available for trauma.

As a BS who spent 6 months sleeping on a couch or in the bed of one of the kids away for the night, I would make one STRONG suggestion: unless your affair entered your bedroom, suggest that SHE take the bed, and YOU take the couch. She may not want to have anything to do with the room that represents your intimacy-but should be given the bedroom if she wants it.

I am 28 months out. I was a wreck before the EDMR. I can look at those photos and feel nothing now. They cannot hurt me. I strongly believe because I got help so early it was better. I struggled greatly and I still sometimes struggle through a trigger but those images were killing me slowly.

StatusQuo, that is the problem that we are alone. No friends here.

Advice about couch is not for our case. It was her choice from the beginning. After d-day I told her that I will return to our bed only with her... She did after 3 weeks... her sex drive was very high due to the shock. Since then we slept in the same bed. But after... Well... I begged her to go to our bed, without me...

P.S. Things got better, I can sometimes sooth her and we, sometimes, can talk normally. I'll do anything to see her smile... She will be happy, she deserves it. That's the only way I will be happy.

[This message edited by BurningPhenix at 7:42 AM, January 27th (Friday)]

Thanks, Marie. I'll keep trying to introduce my wife to EMDR. How essential a therapist was in your case? Do you think DIY can work? I might pursue my wife to do it at home but doubt I can make a good point for her to go to a therapist.

Just chiming in. I had no experience with this in my affair. My wife did find pictures when we started dating and I proposed to her of ex girlfriends months after she had moved in. Being engaged, all mementos of ex-girlfriends were out the door. I was more than happy to part from them.

You might want to discuss the fact that there are photos and why you felt the need to have them taken. Not just what is in the photo. Especially if it is something you never did with your wife. This may become a sexual experience she may not be comfortable with and she might feel she has pressure to be in my wife's words "raunchy" like your AP. For my wife, this is cheap and disgusting. It bothered her more that I would like something like that as opposed to who or what the person in the picture looked like. You will need to have a candid discussion about why you liked it. Be vulnerable.

I had two therapists at the same time. My IC who acted as our MC as well and the therapist who was trained in EDMR. I think both of them were helpful. I couldn't do it alone. My sisters therapist is trained in EDMR so she is doing it with the same person. I liked having a different one because she didn't meet my husband and didn't know anything but what I told her. I brought the 126 photos and 4 videos to her office and cries for help. It is definitely worth a try. My insurance covered it with a standard copay for each session.

Yes, my H saw sext pictures between the AP and me, and I think one video?

Up until 3 weeks ago I had been "blessed" with never having seen a photo or video. On a recent Saturday while my WH was at work something told me to look at the home computer. I have his password and had checked his stuff many months ago. I guess at the time though I looked at his emails I never clicked on Gmail. Well there were several graphic selfies of the MOW, spreading herself wide open, butt shots, standing topless by her bed, a topless selfie, a short video of her playing with herself and suffice to say I know her as intimately as my WH and her gynocologist do.

Of course she was in the standard affair selfie attire of panties, bra, garter and thigh high stockings. All things I wanted so many times to buy but would always stop myself. Why? Because why bother spending the money or the effort when my WH was with holding sex for months at a time, yelling at and criticizing me for everything, seemingly hating me, and those things combined don't exactly make a wife feel like being sexy for her husband. I never turned him down for sex. EVER in our entire relationship, enjoy it and was complaining about not having any. Now I feel as if I can't ever buy anything like that ever again because I feel he will think I am copying her.

The photos had been sent from his one email to his other. The video had been emailed by her to him. One was dated Jan 8, 2013 which not only extends the time I thought the LTA lasted, but that was 2 days after my birthday. A birthday he had thrown a huge surprise party for me. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that went through me seeing these. I took photos of what was on screen and messaged them to my WH at work along with a flurry of furious texts.

He apologized. He said he didn't realize they were in the computer still. I want to believe him because he is never on the computer, as my DS has taken it over (he has his own login password to his own account) and between homework and endless hours of Minecraft no one gets on it. It's phones or the ipad. He took the passcode off his phone and let me look through everything and it is the first transparency I have received since DDay last March. He has never not had a passcode in all the years he's had a smart phone, and says he will not put one back on. So although I had to go through additional pain, it made an impact.

The photos are in my phone. Insurance I suppose because she was dumb enough to have her face in the photos. I've never contacted her BS. I believe revenge is a dish best served cold. I want her to think she's gotten away unscathed. That's ok, let her think that. I thought I had a husband who had my back. Guess things aren't always what they seem.

But I will never get those images out of my head. I feel like I'm back where I was 10 months ago. I've cried more than I have in months, have trouble sleeping, am taking more anxiety meds and just have a feeling like a hole has been blown through my chest. I'm forcing myself to eat more because I am wasting away and it can't continue. Seeing those images has shifted something in me. I don't know what I'm feeling. What blows my mind is there are similarities between she and I, and I can't for the life of me understand why he went astray. I never will.

What is seen cannot be unseen. Dear God, as a BS whose heart has been shattered and is trying to come together again, PLEASE WS's if you are trying to R make sure there is nothing for your BS to find. Burn it, bury it, trash it. Do whatever it takes to never have your BS's eyes come upon anything. Please.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 5:01 PM, January 30th (Monday)]