SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hold you head up high. Try not to get into any slagging matches unless you can keep it light and funny. Treat her with the dignity she doen't deserve (She will probably secretly hate you for that, but she will remember it when things settle down.)

Once again last night my wife was nowhere to be found - she picked up our baby and brought her home and my 16 year old daughter was babysitting her when I got home - my wife did not want to face me, I guess. I have the "snapchat" proof in hand of regular communication every day several times a day. And, when I spoke with HIS wife, she told me that she caught her husband looking at pictures of my wife on his phone about a month ago, and they were ALSO communicating on an app called Wickr - whatever that is. I learned that Wicker and snapchat are two of the "best" apps for cheaters - how wonderful. She was very cordial and grateful to me for reaching out to her - we compared notes, and I sent her the minute-by-minute notes of the recorder and she was absolutely appalled. She agreed that there is absolutely NO WAY anyone could ever come to any other conclusion than they indeed had sex. I mean, "I love the sound you make when you cum...I had to be careful when I grabbed your c*** because I have long fingernails...etc." Yeah, all "fantasy?" I'm not an idiot - I might be trusting of those I love, but that's not synonymous with "idiot."

File for divorce ASAP and also ask for full Custody. You know where you stand with her and she is showing what direction she wants to go. I would let her go in that direction.

I would start focusing on getting help with the kids outside of calling her. I would document everything she does. I would take stock of all your accounts.

I wouldn't message her or anything. If she calls I would ignore her. I would show her the same respect she is showing you.

C

I hope you are keeping an eye on your accounts right now. I'm assuming you are the main breadwinner in the family since you work two jobs.

Ask the wife to help you get all the datails. She can only say no. Try and avoid huge fights...they are big love busters. Get it out your system with someone you trust. She is in the vice now, don't scare her off.

Just want to throw one thing out there as a little gentle advice, which you may or may not agree with:

I had her sleep in my bed last night with me - just hugging and holding her while she slept.

This is probably ok on some level, and maybe it's normal in your family for your 2yo to sleep in your bed from time to time, but I'd advise not making a habit of it.

Thinking long-range, it's important not to rely on your kids for any type of support or comfort related to what you're going through with your wife. I.e. if you're feeling sad because of something to do with WW, that's the wrong time to be seeking extra affection or validation from kids. In the long run they will feel that connection (Dad's pain, caused by Mom, and I'm responsible to help Dad feel better) and it will hurt them in a variety of ways and be unhealthy.

Again, just wanted to put that out there as food for thought. I in no way doubt that you're anything less than a phenomenal dad doing an awesome job!

I trust that I don't have to tell you to DOCUMENT everything, do I? Make sure ALL of your documentation is in duplicate and inaccessible to her.

Have you told her family yet? The bright light of exposure goes a long way to killing an affair.

Once again last night my wife was nowhere to be found

Document Document Document !!!

I know you are reeling but know would be a good time to start thinking objectively & strategically like the lawyer you are. Of immediate concern is getting some kind of parenting agreement/schedule in place. IF WW is going to be vanishing there needs to be some stability in place for your daughter(s).

[This message edited by Sybo at 10:26 AM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

Good job Lawman. I found telling the OBS was the difference maker to me. It allowed me to gain control of the situation. She was a source of valuable information. By comparing notes I was able to get much of the truth rather quickly especially once he started to throw my wife under the bus . She in turn did the same.

I agree about your finances. Watch them very carefully.

Have you read about the 180? I think that you need to do that immediately. You need to stop trying to placate your wife in every way. Treat her as if you have absolutely no emotional attachment to her at all. Treat her like a business transaction.

File for divorce ASAP...

Don't do anything as soon as possible. Do everything calm, collected, and meticulously. There is no hurry on any of this. Do it well, not quickly. As others have said, document, document, document. Get your finances in order.

Have you told her family yet? The bright light of exposure goes a long way to killing an affair.

I think that you should not worry about whether or not her affair continues. Take care of yourself and your kids and focus on moving on with your life by getting this toxic person out.

And remember, it's always possible (likely?) that she will wake up one day and decide that she wants to be with you. Have a plan for when that happens (whether you will accept her back or continue with divorce).

You are doing as well as you can with this shit-show. Good job talking to the OBS... from a practical perspective, it's beneficial because you can cross-reference lies.

I am just floored about how many stories are so similar to mine...I just pick a thread and it's almost always the same..."I swear nothing physical happened...You're the creep for spying on me...YOU've been the worst husband and you deserve this pain...and of course everything from my past gets brought up..." I would love to read more of those types of situations so I can get even more advice. Can anybody point me to specific threads/situations of others where the wife "denies any physical action took place?" I wish there was a search option on SI where I can find blogs with those keywords. Please let me know if you find ones with such a wayward wife. Thank you!!

It is under the keyword 'Total B*tch'

Hope this make you laugh a bit in the current circumstances

Strength & hugs

[This message edited by babypuke at 2:28 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

Yes. There really is scripts these cheaters follow.

I read full threads here alot.

I'll keep an eye out for similar posts to yours.

I also read in the general forum, I can relate forum and, believe it or not, the wayward forum.

Though I can't always post in the wayward forum, especially when there is a stop sign posted, I can read there to try to educate myself on how there could be such people in this world. How they justify themselves is awful, and it's helping me understand or see through my WS.

There are also the fws's on that forum, former ws' that own their own s#@/ and are healed. I listen to them more then anything. It's helping me.

Take care of you lawman1

Try reading Kiss Kiss Under Clothes by Nambaster, and Exercise Buddies by mblink. Those are two that come to mind immediately. Look in Just Found Out around page 5, 6 or so.

I am just floored about how many stories are so similar to mine...I just pick a thread and it's almost always the same...

There is a thread that is currently on the front page (towards the bottom) of "Just Found Out" entitled "You guys are pretty smart". It was started by someone else who had this epiphany.

Yes, there are tons of stories that are similar to yours. Very sad!

Can anybody point me to specific threads/situations of others where the wife "denies any physical action took place?" I wish there was a search option on SI where I can find blogs with those keywords. Please let me know if you find ones with such a wayward wife.

I have never had much luck doing searches with SI and I think that I have read that the site is intentionally set up to make searches difficult (i.e., to prevent unwanted discovery).

You can read my full story on my profile, but I'll give you the highlights here.

1. I caught my wife sexting with AP (an ex boyfriend who lives 1000+ miles away) in 2010. It was implied in their writings that they had had sex somewhat recently. She denied that they had had sex recently. She apologized and told me that she would never talk to AP again.

2. I again caught my wife sexting with AP in 2014. She again apologized and told me that she would never talk to AP again.

3. In August 2016, I discovered through phone records that my wife was texting AP (an ex boyfriend of hers) 10-15 times per day. When I confronted her, she initially denied that she had been talking to him at all. Then, when I confessed that I had phone records, she admitted that she had been talking to him but it wasn't sexual. When I started texting AP on her phone (posing as her), she admitted that there was some sexual conversation but it was mostly platonic. When I retrieved a text from AP that said "Come on over", she admitted that he came to our house but that nothing sexual happened. When he admitted via text that the two of them had had sex in 2016, she claimed that it was only for a little bit of time, but then she stopped him because she felt guilty. When he admitted via text that they had had sex in 2008, she claimed that he did it just to be mean to me and that it never happened. She told AP that she would never talk to him again and she asked that he not contact her.

4. In November 2016, she admitted that she never stopped their sexual activities... he came inside her... no condom, no birth control.

5. In December 2016, she admitted that she had sex with him in 2008, when she was traveling to a conference for work.

6. Present Day. I am left wondering if I still have the full truth. Did she sleep with him at other times? Has she slept with other men? Has she been in contact with AP since August?

Here is the link to the exercise buddies mblink thread.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=582987&AP=1&HL=

Here's mine - I finally figured out my wife was having an affair when she referred to a girlfriend of hers, with whom she had been texting for a long time, as "he" -- fortunately for me I'm a native English speaker, and a darn good one at that, and so I instantly knew I had a problem.

When I confronted her, of course she denied it, and I sat with that for a bit. We all try so hard to believe the lies because the truth is so awful and so that's what I did. But I came back to her and told her that I didn't believe her friend was a woman. When she denied it again, I said that she should invite her girlfriend over to the house, since I had never met her, and the 3 of us could discuss it. In response to that, she finally admitted her girlfriend was in fact a man, but she added that "she only had dinner with him 2 or 3 times" and that she only did so because "he actually listened to me."

I'll just pause for a moment and let that sink in...

Now let me just add that no one is perfect, but as a husband I was pretty damn good. I had a reputation in my community for being a pretty fantastic father and husband. And I can tell you that listening was never ever my problem. I was married to a narcissist and as folks around here can tell you that doesn't lend itself very well to allowing the spouse to get a word in edgewise very much.

In any event, much of the truth later came out when I had that particular boyfriend of my wife (and there were many) deposed. I never got the full truth but by their own deposition testimony (his and my WW), there was a heckofalot more going on then a few dinners - unless by "2 or 3 dinners" she meant "an ongoing sexual relationship for several years behind my back while I was raising our children," in which case I guess she was telling the truth.

[This message edited by Ponus18 at 3:26 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

Lawman, its so common for a Betrayed Spouse to come in here and say "he/she says it wasnt physical and I believe him " that the first thing we say is "yes they had sex". Only for the poster to come back later and say we were right . It ranks up there as probably the biggest lie told to the BS upon discovery.

My wife said the same thing .It took probably 3 days of reading through their messages on FB to figure out they had sex. He was an ex classmate that lived 8 hrs away , so it was easy to believe her until I read thru the messages and figured the comments he said could only be made by someone who had intimate knowledge of my wifes body. Then I remembered a weekend she supposedly went with away with some "girlfriends". I checked the phone records and there was a gap in their calls and texts during that weekend . I was sick to my stomach and thought I was going to throw up. I waited for her to come home and asked her if she had anything else to admit to . Then she said they had met that weekend . But then she proceeded to say that there was no sex! I was about floored . I told her if she didnt come clean I was done . Finally got the truth but it was painful .

barcher144, ponus, 1survivor: Oh my God. I feel like the most naive isolated idiot. I swear, I know this sounds so stupid, but I truly felt that everything about my situation was unique like a snowflake. I am so sorry for your situations and I truly appreciate you sharing them - they give me strength, open my eyes, "fertilize" my balls into actually GROWING, and help me to feel that I am truly not alone. I trust and trust and trust and believe and then want to believe and then doubt myself and wonder if I'm wrong then she builds on that seed of doubt until I feel like the creep horrible paranoid husband. THIS is why I joined this forum. My God I am completely floored. Thank you so much y'all. I am growing stronger by the minute.

Absolutely lawman, and thank you for the kind words.

You're doing WAY better than I did at this point - you've got the benefit of this forum. It sounds like your eyes are open and your bullshit meter is blinking red, and that's a huge part of it at this stage.

Don't let her manipulate you with utter nonsense because nonsense it is. You know the truth my friend.

Hang in there my brotha'. We're all with you.