SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"How could you tell his wife what happened? How could you do that? His family has been through enough!!"

This kind of thing is maddening but in case you're in any doubt, and it doesn't seem as if you are: you did not do this. He did this. She did this. You're telling the OBS is doing her a massive favour. The fall out and consequences from this are all on him.

Your WS is deeply delusional and there is zero point in engaging with that at the moment. Around here it's called the "fog" where the romance and secrecy shroud the thinking of the waywards. I just call it being delusional when I'm feeling kind, or mostly just having their heads up their asses. She's filtering her reactions and responses as if the affair is still ongoing, which if she's continuing contact with the OM (which she sounds like she is) then it is.

If you're a strong person, and many of us have stumbled on this, especially in the early days, try not to engage with it. Stay strong.

Ponus18 back on the case:

I really doubt your WW's boyfriend tried to commit suicide. Of course only he knows for sure, but it would be such an obvious effort to garner sympathy and turn the tables. I'm picturing him taking a plastic knife and rubbing it on his wrists for like 5 seconds and then claiming he nearly committed suicide. Sorry, but having been through this gaslighting and nonsense, and as a lawyer, I'm just not buying what they're selling. Sorry.

I'm smelling the desperation over there. Understandably. They've done some very, very bad things and now they're all paying the piper.

My advice is to just keep your head down and keep doing what you're doing. You've got the moral authority and a whole team behind you. My money is on you.

Don't you love how delusional they are.

They have sex.

They carry on an affair.

They lie.

They cheat.

They screw over their families.

They use marital funds and resources to carry this shit out.

But it's your fault for telling and him trying to commit suicide....

Like what? It's like they suddenly have no brains.

If you are still in contact with the other BS then you need to update each other. She needs to know her suicidal husband felt so bad about what he has done he needed to contact your wife again (read the sarcasm). It seems like it is more of a manipulation tool on his part to take focus away from what he is doing and that shit needs to be closed down fast.

As for your WW. How dare she be so concerned about him and forget about her 16 year old daughter. 16 is such a delicate age, she deserved to have that memory be a good one and for your wife to have given her at least a couple of hours with her thinking about someone other then herself.

Good scorched earth lawman, I usually advocate for R if 2 people are willing but, this is just disgusting. She may be a 10 on the outside, but right now she is a minus 10 on the inside!

Keep up the good work!

"How could you tell his wife what happened? How could you do that? His family has been through enough!!"

That is like blaming the one who reported the murder for reporting it instead of blaming the one who actually committed the murder. This whole "kill the messenger" attitude gets so old. If the guy hadn't been screwing around, there'd be nothing to tell. And since he's a player, his wife deserved to know it. After 17 years of monogamous (on my part) marriage, I got high risk HPV from my husband's first affair. I married him at 18 and my first had also been a virgin. I had no reason to suspect an STD and would never have known if the OW hadn't been trying to make contact to get sympathy for her "cancer scare". In fact, I have now had a recurrence of abnormal cells and I do not know if he contracted a different strain from his second AP or the recurrence is due to the initial infection. Either way, I am going for all new biopsies in a couple weeks which I would not have known to be vigilant about if I hadn't known about his affairs.

This woman deserved the right to know that her husband's odd behavior of late was because of his affair rather than because of something she was doing. And she definitely deserves to know that she should get STD testing. There is no definitive way to know if your wife is the only one he is sleeping with so you should be tested, as well.

I will be forever thankful that the OWs husband called me after the second affair. And as much as I hated the contact, I am glad the first OW was so desperate that I knew to get extra testing. You have done the right thing.

And in case you doubt yourself, if your wife has a problem with it, you are definitely doing something right because her moral compass is so far off North I'd bet it points straight to Hell.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:20 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

My god - you are all so right. When she called crying I didn't even pay attention to the "How YOU do that" statement! How could I DO THAT? ME? What the hell did I do? I get far too naive, and I am sorry. I do want you all to know that I am indeed preparing my circumstance with due diligence and strategy. I am reading between the lines and discovering the hidden novel therein - all thanks to y'all. I will keep you updated how this weekend goes - I plan to buy my daughter a car for her b-day (albeit a few days late), and to take good care of my precious little 2 year old angel. Thank you all!

I don't care how big of an asshole he is... it's not good if this guy attempted suicide. He has a wife and kids... they are innocent in this.

I completely agree Barcher, but his poor choice, which only potentially harms his family if he succeeds, is not lawman's problem or responsibility.

Again, I want to be clear - I DO NOT wish death on anyone - I am NOT a violent or vengeful person. I hope for the absolute best for his poor wife and their precious children. I DO NOT hope he goes through with suicide - NEVER would I feel that way. I am not a violent person at all. In fact, as I have mentioned earlier, the day I found out (DDay) was the day I was travelling on a business trip WITH MY BOSS, and I had to spend 3 whole days WITH MY BOSS at a convention, go to dinner meetings, gave a presentation, all while KNOWING this guy I was sitting next to was having an affair with my wife, laughing at me behind my back, talking with her when I wasn't listening, and SEXTING her when I wasn't looking. I felt horrible and betrayed, and although any "normal" guy would want to reach over grab his neck and destroy him, I was calm, and although screaming with pain on the inside, I gave NO outward manifestation of my inward emotions. I worked very hard to gain a perfect "poker face" as an attorney over the years, and I feel I handled myself as well as could have been expected (for the most part - except for holding the recorder in hand so my wife could destroy it, and even letting her know I had a recorder, and even yelling when I shouldn't have...)

But I sincerely hope that he does not commit suicide - my point is that I am even further shattered that she once again cared more for him and his family and for me and mine (of which she is a part, I might add). I'm not engaging her - I'm just building my case for an at-fault divorce and protecting my assets and my precious children to the best of my ability.

"How could you tell his wife what happened?

So she finally acknowledges something did happen then. Whatever happened to it was just talk? These two scumbags deserve each other, they're both master manipulators.

I know you are an attorney but have you engaged someone yet? I don't doubt your abilities, but you really do need the advice of a professional who is not emotionally attached.

BTW, tell POSs BW that they are still communicating.

Oh, yes, BTW, indeed I DID engage an attorney. It's nice having friends in the industry, isn't it?

What did you wife have to say about missing your daughter's birthday, lawman1?

The way I read it, you mentioned your wife's abandonment in hopes she was reading here, and would try to make some amends to your daughter. I say this because abandonment/desertion, in my experience as an attorney, cannot be proven after a few days out of the house. It takes a little more time (e.g., 6 months to a year), along with failure to pay child support, spousal support, and bills, etc. I'm not sure of the laws in Utah, however.

In any event, don't be so sure she hasn't found this place, or will not find this place. Therefore, please limit your legal theories here. You already know that her life without spousal support, and her requirement to pay you child support, is going to suck for her. Having been cheated on myself, and divorced, I say too bad for her.

Having friends in the industry does help, lawman1. It helped me. I don't practice divorce law, but i still help friends with basics, and point them to good divorce attorneys.

Your wife has lied a lot, so you probably have to verify the suicide claim. He has been banging 2 women for a while....so maybe he is just tired. He also has demonstrated a history of lying in order to manipulate your wife's feelings (telling her you had been unfaithful). You are fighting for your life, if he doesn't wish to do the same then it is his problem. Be delicate in your dealings with his wife.

[This message edited by Smillie at 7:20 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

I completely agree Barcher, but his poor choice, which only potentially harms his family if he succeeds, is not lawman's problem or responsibility.

I'm just saying that we all should be respectful. This is not a game with winners and losers. There are only losers and lost-even-more-ers.

(lawman1: my comment was not directed at you).

Again, Barcher I completely agree there are no winners in these situations. I'm not sure what I wrote that gave you the impression I felt differently. That said, I do think Lawman's former boss is an asshole for what he did to Lawman and his family and nothing will really change that; not even a supposed suicide attempt reported by a hardly credible source.

I understand that this is a sensitive issue for some people, and if suicide has impacted you I am truly sorry. Please don't read into my post anymore than what is written there. If I offended you it was unintentional and I apologize.

This is my final comment on this because I don't want to thread jack any more than I already have.

I'm not sure what I wrote that gave you the impression I felt differently.

My comment wasn't directed at any one person and it definitely wasn't directed at Sanibelredfish (so, no apology is needed). I could go back and find specific comments that raised red flags for me (note: I am nowhere close to be being offended) but I don't want to do that.

The fact is that four adults (lawman1, Mrs. lawman1, AP, and OBS) and a bunch of kids are directly affected by this infidelity. Ideally, everyone would admit their faults, own their shit, and patch things up the best way possible (whether divorce or reconciliation). I think that all of us want that.

In the meantime, we call the wayward spouse a conniving bitch and AP an asshole (I did that too). I just think that when we start talking suicide (or its attempt)... it crosses a line when we say things (which no one said directly) like "karma is a bitch."

@barcher, I respectfully disagree. I don't have any respect to spare for a moron who banged someone else's wife and then, instead of having the balls to set things right, either pretended or actually tried to commit suicide. Yes, it must very sad for his wife and children and they don't deserve it. I have so much sympathy for them. But then they didn't deserve the rest of this shit hand he's dealt them either. Instead of trying to fix what he knowingly broke and the innocent lives he destroyed, his first choice was to run away.

I'm very sorry if this is a touchy subject for you, especially if you've been directly affected by suicide. You have my deepest sympathies. However, I will not waste one drop on this douche bag.

UglyBetty,

Nailed it 100% agree !

Three issues are intertwined here: the suicide attempt as reported by your WW, her use of it as a means to manipulate you by placing guilt at your feet, and the effect on the AP's family.

SI members have continuously displayed great sensitivity to suicide attempts and suicidal ideation by WS, BS and their children. So there is a bottomless well of empathy for those affected.

Your WW use of the suicide attempt to emotionally abuse and manipulate you further displays her Minus 10 character. This is the part that has evoked the hard words of the members when posting about the suicide attempt.

Even the suicide attempt by her AP has not woken her up to devastation caused by her cheating:

1. she stabbed you in the back, ripped your heart out, and nuked your family life.

2. her AP lost his job, perhaps due to the cheating.

3. the cheating resulted in the AP's family being nuked.

4. the AP has attempted suicide.

Instead of this causing her to look inside herself, she says, "Lawman, how could you, look what you have done."

He's got his wife and kids and another mans wife for his mistress. Gosh he has a full house what's his problem. His mistress even thinks more of him than her own daughters sixteenth birthday.

You should send him a get well card and thank him for showing you who your wife really is.

How did your daughter react to her mothers betrayal. You HAVE told her about her boyfriend, right? You've told her parents, right? You've told the other betrayed wife , right? You really have maned up, right?