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At this point ww seems to be serroius about us but I am still scared as h*** what tomorrow will bring.

...and this will lead to you losing her for good. Why are you scared? She should be scared as hell about you dumping her cheating a$$. If she isn't, you're in trouble. You need to put the fear aside and find some anger. Take charge of your house. Right now you're not king of your own castle. Another man usurped your throne. Don't stand for that. You'll never forgive yourself. Take back control over all this and find your anger.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 4:05 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

Have your wife write a no contact letter and keep a copy. If the OM makes ANY contact have your wife file a restraining order against him. If she's not willing to do this then you know where her loyalty lies.

You need to tell the other betrayed spouse for her sanity. He's likely gaslighting her . Wouldn't you have liked to have been told the first time. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will drastically increase your odds of your wife not having a second encore with him.

Sorry to hear about your pain, I recently found out the same thing but it happened years ago, (still feels like new tho) but you did the right thing in getting her to tell you everything letting the unanswered questions just fester and you will never heal good luck

Honestly I still haven't decided if I should tell. Part of me want to then part of me doesn't. I can see both sides of the coin. While OM was the one to temp my ww away and he is scum for doing this to his family twice, my ww was the one to go. As funny as it sounds I don't hold any contemp for him because he only matters to me if my ww is still involved with om and if that is the case then I would have to let go and I don't want a relationship based on lack of access. I want one where we process what happened and we are both willing to work to a new normal. I know I will never fully trust ww again.

Then again the other half of me would love to remove the option.

You know, sometimes it must seem to newcomers like we're a bunch of angry BS's out for a pound of flesh, but that's not what getting strong and taking the upper hand is about. It's about getting into the best position to make choices.

You've already seen first-hand what happens when the OBS is kept in the dark, because you were that OBS at one point and the OM's betrayed wife didn't choose to contact you and inform you of the affair. If she had, this would all be in the rearview right now, one way or the other. So, this is not about revenge. It's about doing the right thing and getting an extra set of eyes on the cheaters too. More often than you would think the OM throws his mistress under the bus when he's busted, much as he did last time.

Coming out strong gives you the BEST chance to be in the position of choice. If I hadn't told my WH on DDay that I was done and had every intention of divorcing him, he'd have strung me along for months, doing so much damage in the process that any possibility of recovery would have been off the table. And I didn't do it because I had come to SI and taken advice. I didn't even know about SI at that point. I just said what I meant and meant what I said... and he knew it. I was done. He had to work his butt off to change my mind.

There's nothing like sunlight do burn off the fog of an illicit affair. All of the sudden my WH realized this shit was really going down. Fantasy bubble popped. There were a few more snags and hiccups, but inside a month he was doing what it took to keep me.

That's not a guaranteed outcome. But what happens when you let your WS keep hurting you is that YOU end up being the one who runs out of gas and calls it a rout. That's why moving swiftly to get yourself out of infidelity works best. You find out pretty darn quickly whether the WS is willing to do the work. If she is, the choice of whether or not to grant the gift of reconciliation is yours to make. If she isn't, you know where you stand and can save yourself months of angst by moving forward with your new life.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:18 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I want to work everything out, both becuase of our children and I truly have strong feelings for WW. WW tells me she does aS well.

By telling her right away that you want to R, you have essentially given her a free pass for two years of cheating. You would have a much better chance of saving your marriage if your WW thought that you are on the fence about R.

Slow things down. Start working on yourself and spending more time with your kids. Tell your WW that you want her to prove that she's worth a second chance. It will pay big dividends.

After reading all of your feed back I see you are right. All I currently have is a work email and work cell phone and name.

I also think I need to start looking at the 180. I am doing just about everything wrong according to that article. I need to start be sleeping. I did take a personal day and went to Boston with just my oldest and had a father son day to get away. I felt better but then quickly fell back once I was home. One step at a time

I am sorry you are here and joining our club.

I definitely would recommend that you tell the other BS right away. She deserves to know rather than continuing to live a lie. Coincidentally I spoke to a BS today - her husband had an affair with my fWW. I had thought she knew this whole time and was surprised that she does not. I realized the moment she said that if anyone ever had information that her husband cheated on her she would definitely want to know. I'm now going to make sure I am 100 percent sure by speaking to the person who told me (it's confusing for me at times because my fWW had affairs with dozens of men and I can't keep track) and once I am certain I will be taking my own advice and telling her. Even though it is years later.

I hope you do the same. And I wish you the best. I know these are very tough times. I've been there. We all have. Stay strong.

*sending hugs your way*

I highly suggest you DNA the kids immediately.

Also, reconciliation should not be your focus right now. You are more likely to see a unicorn holding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow than to have a WS that tells you the complete truth about their cheating on DDay. Separation and divorce should not be thrown off the table, especially at only one week in. You Focusing on "working everything out " *instead* of focusing on getting out of infidelity will only lead to rug sweeping, false reconciliation, and more DDays.

Do the right thing and tell the other betrayed spouse. You know how it feels to be clueless about your spouse's activities, so be a decent person and inform her.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 1:27 AM, April 17th (Monday)]

I'm glad you came around because I was about to hit you with a big ass 2x4 about contacting the OBS. Always, always tell. Had she told you, first off, you would be nearly a year into R or D, but the affair would probably have never started up again. Either way, you would have known and could have made up your own mind.

Because SHE (the OBS) was naive, and probably believed every word he said, you are dealing with a second bout of the affair.

2-1/2 years is a long time for an affair. I am sorry to say that I see some big struggles for you both. She has feelings for this man. Not to mention, they are ex-bf/gf. You need to take a bit of time and decide if you can get past this. This is a pretty big betrayal. Two kids, gifts to the kids, etc.

In my case, the XW had a year-ish affair. They gave each other gifts and shared pictures of the kids. The AP's wife was pregnant when he started hooking up with my XW. He sent my XW pictures when HIS kid was born.

How messed up is that and how much did that taint his relationship?

It took me a few days, but I listened to the advice here and contacted the OBS. It is the best way to go ALWAYS. They broke NC again and I contacted the OBS again. Why? Because she deserved to know. I have no doubt that the OBS would not have told me, but she didn't have the advice of this place. Listen to the general advice you get here.

Lawyer

STD test

DNA test?

The OP stated earlier that he's pretty sure the children are his as they went through IVF. Unfortunately, that is going to be yet another betrayal he'll need to process as the affair was ongoing during their second conception. :(

Sometimes it's really hard to fathom what goes through a cheater's mind.

I am still scared as h*** what tomorrow will bring.

This is why you need to do some soul searching and talk to an IC (always best to have an unbiased party in this mess)...

Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering, playing detective, mistrusting the person who made vows to you to be faithful, truthful and honorable?

Unless she does some serious work via IC (you cannot fix her or nice her into compliance or faithfulness), this will be your life. If it were not the ex BF, it would have been someone else. Something is broken in her where she requires external validation to feel whole and alive.

And, most important...please remember that her A was not your fault.

Sending strength,

Lala

Well i have had an interesting night. My WW caught me writing the letter to the OBS. WW said she didn't want me to send it but understood why i wanted to and WW was very supportive.

WW also saw that i was sending it VIA Facebook and said she knew OBS email as well from an email the OBS sent her the first time they were caught and WW saved in her journal that i didn't know about. WW says she wants to do what ever it takes. She shared the email where the OBS told WW what OBS expectation of OM were what OBS knew about first affair. OBS did not know anywhere as much as i have found and been told by WW.

WW then continued to talk with me answering questions about affair and reading entries of her journal related to different time periods. WW was beating her self up for being stupid and ruining us for an affair.

The letter to OBS has been sent both ways.

I know it still going to be a long trail and i still should not drop my guard. This doesn't heal me by any means but it helps that WW is putting me before OM even when not cornered. I was expecting anger and instead i got assistance and what felt like remorse. lets hope it continues.

Good job.

Don't be afraid of letting her step up. Either she will or she won't, and it's better for you to find out where you stand.

I know it still going to be a long trail and i still should not drop my guard. This doesn't heal me by any means but it helps that WW is putting me before OM even when not cornered. I was expecting anger and instead i got assistance and what felt like remorse. lets hope it continues

.

It's pretty early for real remorse. Regret often goes hand-in-hand with self-preservation... although I would agree that this is a good sign. :)

Regret is characterized by empathy for the way she's hurt herself. Remorse is characterized by empathy for the way she's hurt you. So, you will most likely see flashes of both here and there. It's not all linear. Marital healing depends on true remorse, because even though the WS will never be able to fully identify with the pain she's caused, she still has to be understanding of your needs as you process it.

You are so very fresh from DDay, and this really is a marathon, not a sprint. You'll be swinging through the 5 Stages of Grief as you process the loss of the marriage you thought you had. You'll be trying to piece your actual history together and assimilate all this new information in your traumatized brain. Trust is slow to return and IMO, is never quite the same.

You sound pretty determined to try for R though, so toward that end, I would highly recommend that you get into counseling with a qualified IC who is experienced in dealing with infidelity and grief. You're going to need some emotional support IRL.

I still think you would do well to see an attorney too, if only to understand your options. You haven't hit the anger stage yet, and your feelings are subject to change, and even change again. That's why we call it "processing".

You might consider getting a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, which would give you some insight into affair dynamics, but more importantly give you some rudimentary training on appropriate boundaries with her "walls and windows" technique. I would also suggest John Gottman's How to Make Love Last: Rebuilding Trust and Avoiding Betrayal to help you with effective communications.

It's a bit early for MC really. There's typically pressure on the BS to engage in making a commitment to the marriage that we're often not ready for in the JFO stage. Bear in mind that you have an absolute right to take your time making a decision on whether you want to make that commitment.

The WS effectively ENDS your obligation to the marriage when they step out of it. And forgiving too early can shortchange you emotionally, because sometimes (even though initially it might not seem that way), it really is a deal-breaker for some people. Also, when we forgive too early, we can end up worrying that we were just the fall-back plan for our WS. IOW, they haven't put forth enough effort yet to assuage our anxiety as to whether we truly are their first choice or if they're just trying to pull the fat off the fire.

Like I said in my first post... there really is a kneejerk response to try and save it. But you need time to take in all the information and make an authentic, informed choice as to how you want your life to look down the road. Try not to rush. If your WW can't take a slow pace, she's not as "in" as she needs to be.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:53 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

2.5 years of betrayal? The OMW busting them and your WW went back for more? Dude.... I'm not saying you can't stay with her. That's your choice. I do have to ask, how much sh*t can you stomach because you're going to have to eat tons of it and develop a taste for it. 2.5 years, dude. I know you still love what you thought you had but that was a facade. A fantasy. Now you know the reality. 2.5 years of lying straight to your face. 2.5 years of betrayal. DON'T rug sweep that in an effort to get back to the fantasy. That will eat you up inside and crush your soul. Please think of yourself first right now. Make sure you've thought this through objectively. What does your gut tell you? Don't listen to your heart right now, it will betray you. Listen to your gut. It's built for stuff like this. What's it telling you?

what does IRL and JFO stand for

IRL In Real Life. JFO Just Found Out.

C

IRL = in real life

JFO = just found out

... it helps that WW is putting me before OM even when not cornered. I was expecting anger and instead i got assistance ...

Definitely a good sign.

But you're just ten days since d-day so don't rush things. Give yourself time to get your emotions under control (this will probably take a couple of months) and to see if your WW is capable of following through on her claim that she wants to R.

The better news is that you've seen the benefits of standing up for yourself. If your keep on developing your emotional independence from her, whatever happens, you will come out OK.

Abcd, you are treating a cancer with a nickel-worth band-aid.

We all know you are scared to death to loose your wife and comfort of family life, but the truth is – you already lost it.

And, while you are trying to convince yourself that you have strong feelings for her and want the best for your children, I wish you can find enough courage to see things as they are, accept what have happened and imagine a life in which you stand apart from this woman – the life in which your happiness does not stem from love and affection you get from people around you, but rather comes from within.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 9:50 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]