SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

double post

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 9:50 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Abcd, you are treating a cancer with a nickel-worth band-aid.

We all know you are scared to death to loose your wife and comfort of family life, but the truth is – you already lost it.

And, while you are trying to convince yourself that you have strong feelings for her and want the best for your children, I wish you can find enough courage to see things as they are, accept what have happened and imagine a life in which you stand apart from this woman – the life in which your happiness does not stem from love and affection you get from people around you, but rather comes from within.

This is very good advice. It is taking time for me to adjust my thinking. Just before dday i thought we had an excellent m I was open and sharing everything with WW and i believed WW was doing the same. We were both sharing i just didn't realize how much was being omitted. I also have limited local support system.

In the past my mother has been my outlet outside of the M but over the last several years she has been suffering with metal illness and has now proven that i cant use her for support, she need as much of my support as possible. To top it off after the metal illness set in my father had several affairs and left in spectacular fashion, he was definitely gaslighting her as well. making both of them very opinionated.

I am fighting an internal battle on want to go as fast as possible and sweep it under the rug or to step back, move slow and lose my support system. That is part of the reason i joined this group and i am currently looking for counseling.

I need to vent

The scale of what has been done to me is starting to set it. I am so angry, i feel so betrayed. This wasn't a one night stand, it wasn't a mistake that only happened once. WW had so many chances to get out, so many reminders affairs hurts the people that love WW. I cant understand how after seeing OBS pain she couldn't see i would be in the same pain. That this could split our family. All WW cared about was the next booty call, the next ego inflating text and next naughty act.

She didn't care about her family. So F%%%@## Shellfish. I am going for a run instead of yelling anywhere around my kids

The anger is good. Use it. I'm sorry you're angry but you might as well get the positive benefit out of it.

This is why we call affairs the gift that keeps on giving. The rollercoaster is brutal. You can go through all of your emotions in one day and back again.

Running and working out is a great way to spend your time. You'll get yourself tired and get the endorphins.

Vent away.

I feel for your situation. The ws is nothing but selfish. This is true.

Being angry is good. Healthy even.

An infidelity expert I follow says " get angry, yes, but stay out of jail." Good advice.

Go for a run. Get in your car and drive to a parking lot and choose a spot near the back. Turn up the music full blast. Then scream and cry till you get it out. I did this many times when I first found out.

Crazy lady. But I was away from my kids and could let it all out. Had a favorite parking lot and spot and everything.

Post here as well. We will be here. We know this pain. We've been where you are. We understand.

Strength

IVF or not, I know if it were me, I would want DNA testing. There's something very disturbing about the existence of a video with your 3-year old opening presents from the OM.

Why?

I under stand the DNA question but I have proof of timing and medical history that leaves no other possibilities. Unless a lab tech messed up.

The run made me feel more in control and when I came back my WW sat down with me and allowed me to vent. I have never been a very emotional person until now. I am not used to the roller-coaster.

So if I understand this correct, for a combined period of about just under 2 years over a 2 and a half year period, your wife managed to get away from home and close quarters working with you in the morning while pretending to go to the gym to fuck her ex boyfriend. And this went on even through pregnancies, having kids, family events, vacations etc.

And you are thinking of taking her back because she sides with you on something that she has no control over anyway !?!?!?!?!?!?

Wake up and get the hell out of this toxic relationship. Your wife is a vile person and deserves the POSOM!

I am going for a run instead of yelling anywhere around my kids

Well done! You're in a tough situation and your moods are going to change frequently. You handled that trigger like a boss though.

And I'm glad to hear you're looking for counseling. One of the best ways to do that is to just call the customer service number on the back of your health insurance card and find out which therapists are in-network. After that, you can usually research them a little on the internet.

For the last two years or so you thought you were in a great marriage. The truth is that all this time you weren't in a marriage at all. The first time she needed him the vows were broken and you just turned into someone she used to know and you were just a sucker to be scammed and used.

Studies claim two and a half years are the average run for affairs. Your wife was probably already in line for ending it. The new had worn off. Posom is a user and so is your wife.

One thing I don't understand is his telling her he isn't going to stop. So he still contacted her to let her know? And you did nothing? Are you afraid of him?

Not to go all politically correct, but it's 2017, not 1817 out there. The WW is a grown-ass woman and an adulterer to boot. If she wants to fix her shit, she can break up with her "boyfriend" without putting her husband through any more drama and emotional turmoil. There's no need for acts of chest-thumping machismo, which might put him in the unwanted position of making threats or getting in trouble with the law. It won't fix the internal damage anyway.

The standard advice is for the WS to write a No Contact letter, which is then approved by the betrayed spouse before being sent in order to foment trust in the marital relationship. Contact information is then typically changed by closing email and social media accounts, changing phone numbers, and even changing jobs if it's a coworker affair.

One thing I don't understand is his telling her he isn't going to stop. So he still contacted her to let her know? And you did nothing? Are you afraid of him?

The first conversation where WW was trying to end it just after i found out wasn't intended for me to see. I found more details about the affair in that one. It was hard to read because WW was saying she loved OM but had to end it. OM was angry and trying to convince WW to continue. WW said no. and OM said he will not stop ending her messages.

Because of the OM response a few days later I ask my WW to write a NC letter and BCC it to me. She said affair was wrong and not to contact her again. I know she still has feeling for OM. I just wish i knew how much NC letter was meant or how much was show. The only reply from OM was I under stand

So basically she is still in love with the Posom. Why do you want to live with a woman that doesn't love you but does love another man.

It is possible she was lying to her Posom. The most telling red flag is that when women cheat they normally cut back on letting their husband have sex with them. Did your sex life change in the last few years?

What makes you think that if OM contacts her 9 months from now, she won't restart? She didn't stop bc she wanted to. She stopped bc she was found out. Add to that the fact that she loves him shows that if he'd leave his wife, she'd leave you for him. Since he won't, she'll settle for you as her security blanket and safety net. You, sir, are her plan B.

You deserve better.

That is deffently a fear of mine. I am not ready for any long term decisionS yet. I want to give ww a chance to show me and attempt to prove what she wants by actions and not jist words and I need to slow down the roller coaster first.

Aabbccdd, please read "No More Mister Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover (you can download it for free here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).

Almost every guy who ends up in your situation and responds as you have -- immediately wanting to R -- is co-dependent to at least some degree. The book will help you overcome that.

In order to make good decisions about your future, you need to become emotionally independent from your WW and be prepared to leave your old life behind and start a new life.

I am not trying to be the mean one here so I will try and stay reserved in my comments.

I also apologize about my third party tone here but don't have the time to fix that.

I believe AABBCCDD's wife is very broken. She has an affair all along while having 2 kids with her husband and now is in self preservation mode.

OP here says and rightfully so that he will never trust her again completely. Rather than being able to build his business with help, enjoy the first three years of his kid's lives and being able to build the American dream, his image of those critical years have been forever tarnished. Rather than spending time with the kids and helping build the business, his wife instead invested many energies in screwing around behind her husband's back while he was sitting there thinking he had it made. She has also introduced a sociopath into their lives and into their marriage.

In my opinion, AABBCCDD's wife doesn't deserve him.

He has to make a big decision. I doubt things get better from here on out. I wonder if she has cheated before.

The problem facing OP here is that he can get out of this toxic marriage and situation though it will be costly. However, he can get rid of her before the kids are of such age that the divorce will radically impact them. He can move on and find some really good stepmother for these kids and be happy and have safety and security in his homelife with someone who values him.

or he can continue to try and make this marriage work with someone who he will never trust fully and someone who certainly has issues with morality and care for him. However, financially speaking, it would be the least costly of the options.

AABBCCDD has to figure out what's more important to him.

None-the-less, blowing up the other man's marriage would be helpful to him. First, screw the other guy. I know people say 'expose' to end the affair and I agree with that. But to me, getting even is part of the game and while many here may disagree with that, OP has a great opportunity to put a predator in his place while aggressively dealing with his own wife who is a predator too. She was involved in homewrecking the other couple as much as the OM was homewrecking OP's family.

If OM loses his marriage and goes back to OP's wife and she bites, he knows reconciliation is dead. If she rebuffs OM and stays faithful, maybe OP here has a chance at recovering this marriage. Maybe OP will decide that he doesn't want this marriage anymore and he has every right to walk away from it and I probably would now that she's had two affairs with the same man even after getting caught and after her husband has taken the effort of the IVF process, and now has to deal with raising two children born of a woman who has committed treason on the family.

This is a mess, AABBCCDD has not caused this mess but he's severely impacted by it.

I normally advocate ending the marriage. This situation is very complicated and I feel he should end it although I understand if he gives it another try with the kid situation.

However, I strongly disagree with his 'taking his time'. His older kid is close to the age of understanding the dynamic. I feel dithering and dathering with this situation would only negatively impact the kids if AABBCCDD is indecisive for the near future.

Did you get to read the no contact letter she sent to him, either before or after?

Did you get to read the no contact letter she sent to him, either before or after?

Both.

That is deffently a fear of mine. I am not ready for any long term decisionS yet. I want to give ww a chance to show me and attempt to prove what she wants by actions and not jist words and I need to slow down the roller coaster first.

Some people suggest it takes up to six months to best figure out what you will want to do long term. Actions are what you are looking for from your WS -- she will promise about anything at this point, but it will be what she does now that will determine if she can EVER be the safe partner you deserve.

You'll get all kinds of advice, but I can safely say no one can diagnose a discovery day like Wk55hn. The first thing is to get yourself out of infidelity before deciding much of anything else. I know that he asked, but I may have missed the answer -- have you told the OM's spouse yet? Really important step to help break up the escapist fantasy bubble.

Strength to you in this. These early days are the worst, but you'll get through, regardless of how you decide.