SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, totally new to this site. In my atttempts to heal and finding my road to recovery I thought trying to seek support from others would be helpful. Thanks in advance for your input and insights. Please excuse my lengthy post but I feel the more info thr better.

My wife and I have been married for six years this coming Saturday and we've been together almost 10 years. We have two wonderful amazing sons ages 6 and 23 months. I love my wife and my family and they are the most important things in my world. They are my everything.

My D-day was about 2 months ago now. Since our kids came along we definitely fell into putting each other and time with each other on the back burner. The family and kids canes first, then work, then everything else...and "we" kind of started losing sight of nourishing our love and relationship. My wife's A started about 3 months after my youngest son was born. That would mean the A went on for about a year and a half before I found out. Things seemed off during that time but I was trying to trust her and not give into my own insecurities. So I guess I knew in my heart something was wrong but didnt want to uncover and face an ugly truth.

The day I confronted her she admitted the A and answered a few questions I had on the subject but was guarded as well. Trying to minimize I'm sure. During that first confrontation she said "maybe we should separate for a while." This sent me spinning. She's never suggested something like that. We've had infidelity issues in the past, again on her side, but we worked through them by sweeping them under the rug and not really addressing the issues and rushed through therapy in the past. My wife has some serious self esteem issues and always has. She revealed that something terrible happened to her when she was younger that she's felt that she could never be able to tell me. So sufficed to say she has some serious issues.

My W agreed to end the A with the OM and said she did this the day after I asked her to do so. No letters though, no call in front of me, she just did it on her own. So I guess I have no real evidence that she ended it other than her word. She works with the OM. They don't work together but they work for the same company in the same building. Once she ended the A she agreed to go to therapy and try to save our M. She recognized that she has some serious problems and wants to understand why she did this, why she keeps doing this and doesn't want to do this to me ever again. We had good long discussions right after the D-day about what conditions had set in that maybe opened the door for this to be possible. Don't get me wrong it's her fault, she did this, but for me ignore any role in creating an environment where this could happen more easily would be ignorant imo. I played some role in that aspect of the situation. She described her feelings about what had been lacking. Right after the baby was born in July I had major back surgery. I couldn't and didn't really help with the baby. I was out on medical leave from work for several months but wasn't really doing anything to help her with the kids or the household chores. This is all true. I was slacking in those areas and I admit to that. She said our time for each other even just little things like talking about our days and venting had gone by the wayside and it was like we were living two separate lives. I admit to that as well. We also had no sex life. I mean a few times during that year and a half. My reasoning on the sex and time together was to me she seemed like she didn't want to spend time with me or have sex with me. I thought she was going through something after the pregnancy so I tried to give her space and no push anything on her. Now knowing her reality I regret my shortcomings and not being the partner that she so desperately needed. That's my cross to bear but she could have told me how she was feeling and addressed it instead of having the A.

So as our first therapy apppintment approached my wife came to me with an idea. She didn't want to separate as I was viewing separation. She wanted me to find a place to stay at naround guy during the week. I would stay at home until our sons went to bed then go stay at a friends house and I'd be home on the weekends. This would give us some time to miss each other and then on Friday or Saturday we would go out on a date. She wanted us to start dating again as a way to rekindle our relationship. I wanted NO separation at all but to try and show my wife that things didn't have to ALWAYS be my way I reluctantly agreed. I mean after all I did want that for our relationship. We went to therapy, the therapist understood our arrangement and saw that my W had lost her sense of self and was overwhelmed and this might be helpful. So I stayed with a co-worker on an air mattress. I was miserable. First week went by, no date. My wife came home late from work on Friday and just attacked me, in a good way. We went at it and had a great time. Then ate some food, talked and went to bed. I was like ok this could work lol. As time has gone by though there have been no dates at all and only 2 more times where we made love. We've had 8 therapy sessions since D-day and I've spent 4 nights a week away from home. Mind you sometimes my coworkers house wasn't available and I've stayed in a hotel room 4 nights during this time. My wife didn't like that I had done that but then again she's not overly concerned about it either.

Present day is really really not good imo. As the therapy has been progressing and the times I spend away from home at night have continued our communication has gotten worse and worse. We hardly even speak. It's like my wife doesn't want me around at all, ever. When there's a night a might have to be at home she becomes very upset and angry. No fights no blow ups just completely ignores me. I feel that she's gotten further and further away. I don't feel we have made progress but rather we are regressing. Maybe this is normal I don't know. All I know is how it makes me feel. She's said to me many times, alone and in therapy, that she loves me but she just really dislikes me right now. That she doesn't want to be around me. She's said 20% of this is what I did or didn't do in the past, things I e said that hurt her ect...and the other 80% is how she feels about herself when she's around me, the shame the guilt the fact that she's not worthy of my love, that she's a terrible person. During this time I've also set out to correct all the issues she had told me about that may have opened us up to an affair. Since D-day I'll do anything around the house that needs to be done and take care of the boys. Before she comes home kids are all taken care of, fed, washed and in bed. Dishes are done, vacuuming is done, any laundry, any straightening up...anything that needs to be done so that when she gets home she can have her me time, self examination and time for introspective moments ect. Just want her to come home and relax, get her voice back and time to heal and get better. But the results in my eyes are she's getting more and more distant. If it was me that did this I'd be kissing her sweet ass for giving me another chance and doing anything I could to be next to her. Instead I feel like that's me. She's getting everything and more while I'm being ravaged by the twisting wind of emotions and lack of contact. She makes me feel like she wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I just don't get it.

So as the lay therapy session ended I revealed that I had made the decision that I'm not going to leave our home anymore. I can't do that anymore. I want her to have her space and time and recognize it's importance and she can have that but it won't involve me leaving my house. There's othe ways to achieve those objectives. I said if she had to leave and stay with her friend Lynn or stay at her moms house then I guess that's what's she's gotta do but I'm done leaving.

While it's felt good to finally take a stand I fear I rushing and maybe being impatient, which is my nature. I don't want to do anything that pushes her away and tears my marriage and family apart. Am I crazy here? I mean is this behavior that she's exhibiting part of withdraw and Shane from the A? Has anybody else experienced something like this? I'm so lost and only trying to save my M. I love my wife with all my heart and I'm just crying to do all I can to save what's dearest to me. PLEASE HELP ME and thanks for reading/listening.

She is still in the affair. It is happening right now...every day.

You are enabling this situation to continue.

She has had infidelity issues "in the past"? That means she is a serial cheater.

Sorry, brother, but you really need to consider ending this charade.

Hi xX, welcome to SI. We are here to help you any way we can.

Have you read in our Healing Library yet? Please do so as soon as you can. You will find loads of useful information.

Based on what you have told us about your "separation" I would hazard a guess that your WW wanted you out of the house so she could continue her affair without facing the guilt of you in the house. It sounds like your instincts were telling you something was off, but you were trying to be a considerate and thoughtful spouse. I'm glad you listened to yourself and ended the "separation".

Please....start reading in the Healing Library like right now. Then come back and ask us questions.

k9

Thanks Farside. I mean of course that is my fear and that is what my gut is telling me. How do I end the charade though? I've asked her more than once is the A over? She says it is but how can I trust that. The other thing I neglected to mention is that the A has not been exposed. In other words only her closest friend and two of my closest friends know. Our parents, families, her workplace...nobody else knows. The OM is also separated according to her. That's from her though. Is that a lie though? Is that a lie he told her and he's still married? I have no idea

Dude, you need to grab the bull by the horns here. She cheated on you and you are the one sleeping on an air mattress at a coworker's place?!? Do you see what is wrong with that picture?

She has and continues to treat you like shit. You need to stand up for yourself and stop reluctantly going along with what she wants if it is not good for you or the kids.

You need to detach from her. Read the 180 in the healing library and start implementing it today!

Yes, I also think she is continuing to cheat on you. It might be interesting to see who comes and goes from your home after the kids are asleep...

I am sorry your here. Be open to what is being suggested, the people here have unfortunately had a lot of experience in these matters. Listen to what is being said. Take what you need at the time, but be willing to reconsider what you thought you didn't need later when you go back an re-read your thread.

That said. I honestly don't believe your wife ever ended the A. It sounds like she wanted you out of the way so she could increase contact with her AP. Are you sure this isn't her way of easing into an exit A? From the outside looking in, that is the way that it appears. I could be wrong, btu that is the way it appears to me. If she is unhappy to have you around, something else is going on. Sending you away is a way of separating, not growing closer.

Is her AP married or in a relationship. If he is, you do need to contact his wife or GF and let them know what is going on.

She has the affair, asks you to move out, she doesn't want you around, is upset when you are around, and its you that makes her angry... this is way backwards. She is still in the A and there is no way to reconcile while she is still active in the affair. She is confused because she is in love with 2 men. She is mad at you because you are not like him. She feels stuck with you and wants him. That is why she is struggling. As long as she is working with him, talking to him, and spending time with him. You are wasting your time trying to fix this.

Most men who come her want to fix this and go right to R. Most WW are lying and still in the A. They say things like " I love you but am not in love with you". "I need space to sort things out"........ What they are really saying is I want the A to last longer. I can fool my husband because he will do anything to save this, he loves me and he will never leave me. So, I can lie my way through this and he will let me.

I am sorry that you are here, I really am, but what she is putting you through it classic Wayward behavior. You need to seriously wake her up by having her server with divorce papers. In order to save the marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. Its hard to hear, but she won't wake up by being niced out of it. Being nice is permission to continue the A.

About halfway through this post I became confused as to who cheated. You are trolling when you say that you are the one who left the house, right?

She's distant because she is either still having the A or wishes she was. She is angry and dislikes you because you are what stand between her and what she wants - the other man.

She needs some consequences. You need to do the 180 and drop the divorce bomb on her. You can always call it off if you reconcile.

I am sorry you are hear. Joining this club is one of the worst things in the world.

My D-Day was 4 months ago.

Like you, all I wanted was to save my marriage mainly for my children. In fact, I would still do that for my children.

However, I will tell you this. My WW has brought so much evil into our lives that it has really changed the way I view her. She moved out and is pushing divorce. She has blamed me for everything and made me into some monster.

From reading your story, your wife is treating you really poorly and maybe even worse than my wife.

She is manipulating you and treating you like garbage. I'm sorry. She is the one who has brought all of this evil into your life. Non one is the perfect spouse and life gets in the way, but she chose to destroy your life.

I am no expert. It is still very early for me. I am still in a lot of pain. I still can't comprehend my wife destroying our lives.

But, I wouldn't let her kick me out of our home... that is just wrong.

I hope you realize that she is still probably cheating on you... But, no matter what, she is treating you very badly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my brother.

I ask God every day how the woman I loved with all of my heart can do this to my boys and me.

But, please understand that you need to stop letting her manipulate and use you.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. When my WW was found out, I remembered clearly my father going through the same situation. He never told anyone about my cheating mother. This allowed her to bend the truth and in some cases outright lie about her role in their marital problems. With that in mind, I made sure that everything was exposed to the light of day. I told family and friends everything so that they would know the truth about my WW, but also so that it couldn't be spun in a way that implicated me as the culprit. The truth also freed them up to share their struggles and to help me get through mine. I also made sure the OBS knew what I knew so she could decide her plan of action. My WW told me many lies in the process of finding out. Don't believe anything cheaters say. Cheaters are liars and they continue to lie in order to minimize the damage after being found out. Protect yourself and your family by exposing the truth.

This doesn't seem right, she cheated in the past then cheated again and now your out of the house? You seem a nice guy and she's taking advantage and blame shifting onto you. Don't nice your way back because you will hate yourself for it! She could still be cheating also by the sounds of it. Stand up for yourself and put a stop to it, be ready to leave and expose the A to everyone. Sorry you fined yourself here, good luck

I am really sorry man, but she is still playing you. You've proven to her that you are willing to do anything to keep your M and as such she feels "you will always be there." Effectively she has taken you for even more granted. She still works with OM (same building, might as well be the same cubicle) and the A never stopped. She layed down a list of BS demands that make her position in your impending D much better. You need to get tough and play for keeps. I am really, really sorry, but you've already lost your W and family. Your W just did not have the integrity to tell you. She is being malacious and doing you no favors.

I know this sounds mach/alpha whatever, but your W does not respect you in the slightest. She lost any respect for you that she has. She is just biding her time for the OM to out of his M and then she will dump you. You staying out of the house 4 days a week was just a manipulation to get better settlement.

If you want my advice. Dig, get proof and share that proof with the world. Blow it up. See an attorney and suggest suing your MC for malpractice (seriously that is some of the worse MC advice I have ever read). Which BTW the MC did not seem too concerned that the separation "agreement" was breached several times. File for D. Draw a thin black line. Start earning your self respect back. Your M might be over, but you will be able to live with yourself in the morning. If your wife concedes and wants you back then it will be on YOUR terms, not hers.

If you read. Find no more mr. nice guy. Seeing an IC also would be a really good start to work towards fixing your co-dependence which is doing you a great disservice at the moment.

You want to know. Get a voice activated recorder for your home. Say you will give her a few week more.

She is not in charge of reconciliation. She needs to do many things to reconcile. Right now she regrets being caught, but she sees herself as the victim.

You are the betrayed. If she wasn't happy, she could have said not cheated. She is also a serial cheater.

My husband saw himself as the victim. My husband was abused by his mother mentally and physically. He transferred that on to me. He refused to make a decision. I would ask him, questions about what to do, he would say what ever you want or I don't know.

Then he accused me of controlling, never compromising. It became clear he had transferred his anger onto me, from his mom. He was the poor victim consoling his self with sex treats and lies to get one over. His EA was kibbles. Victim mentality.

From what your said, your wife is the victim of her past or your control and poor little cupcake isn't responsible for the affairs. You can not reconcile that way.

She is also cake eating. She is playing married with no accountability. She wants to have a family life till bed time. You leave and she gets to do what? Think asleep? She more withdrawn because she is detaching to you and high on him.

I am sorry you are here. Your wife is still in the A; I am sorry to tell you this, but listen to your gut! You said you feel it isn't over. Listen to your gut. No, the OM is not separated; find out who he is and contact his wife. Don't tell your wife you are contacting his wife.

How do you find out for sure? Put a VAR in your wife's car. Check your phone bill online. This will show you who she is calling/texting. Get into her email account. Get into her phone. Set-up a camera inside the house to see what's going on after the kids go to bed.

You cannot "nice" your way back into this marriage. If you wanna save your M, then you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. That includes the risk of losing the marriage.

Cheaters lie, they lie about everything. Counselling is pointless because you have 3 people in your M right now.

Read the Healing Library; implement the 180 now.

I wish you peace as you travel this hellish road of infidelity.

I tried to nice my wife back too.

We're now divorced.

And yes. I hate myself for it. Robbed me of my dignity.

Don't do it. It never works.

She's done this before. You can't help her.

You can only help yourself.

Read as much as you can and you will notice a pattern waywards tend to follow. Yours is no different.

As was mine. No different.

Who were you before you met your wife. ??

Go back to being that guy except now you have kids.

Love yourself. A lot. Not one bit of her cheating is your fault. Not a bit. Don't fall for that bullshit.

In six months you will feel different.

Know your rights. Get to a lawyer and talk about what a divorce will look like for you.

You will get over this. With or without her.

We know how you feel. And we care.

Drink lots of water and eat good food.

Take good care of you and the kids.

If it was me that did this I'd be kissing her sweet ass for giving me another chance and doing anything I could to be next to her.

Tryingmybest, hello. I am so sorry you are here but you are among friends. Some of the posts may seem harsh but trust this, none are meant to hurt you and no one is judging you. We all make mistakes trying to heal and "do the right thing" that is why you are getting so many wake up calls on your initial post.

I am glad you put your foot down on leaving. SHe needs to feel all the concequences of her actions and up to that point there have been none. You are running around trying not to shake the boat she already sank.

At this point I strongly suggest IC for both of you. You need individual support, someone just looking out for your best interest here. I find men don't seem to be as eager to jump on the detective train but your trust has been shattered. Women quickly get the response to put a VAR in his car, or look into phone records...total transparency...so on. I don't see that advice as much for men but I have to say most of the information I got...THE TRUTH came from me finding it, not him giving it.

You have to be ok walking away. You may need IC to get you there. If you are walking on eggshells thinking she already cheated, I don't want to make her leave by being too pushy or needy or demanding, you are not going to give her the chance to rebuild trust (if she is capable), see true remorse, and last you aren't fully understanding her cheating is NOT ABOUT YOU. You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment, it isn't your fault, you can't "nice" her back to you and you can't smooth things over. She has true should searching to do, and so do you. For many (maybe most) this is a deal breaker. You need to know in your heart your wife is a broken person. This is not ok no matter how common it may seem in society, she is never justified to break your trust and look outside the marriage. Once you realize she is broken you can set your boundaries and what you need to consider continuing the marriage.

I know you are hurting, you are in pain...I can't imagine going through what I did those first few months and my WH not wanting to be around me. I sure couldn't imagine me sleeping on an air mattress while he stayed in our loving home we built together!

Now I am not saying you shouldn't own the issues in your marriage. By all means improve yourself, but this early after dday your focus should be on you, your healing and what you will not tolerate going forward. If she doesn't like it she can find the door!

I'm not a big advocate of the 180 if the WS is remorseful and worthy of R but you haven't witnessed that true, down on her knees, sobbing, snot nosed type of remorse...that "oh my God, what have I done"...at the very least you deserve that and you will either get it when reality hits her or see she is not the woman you deserve and feel comfortable saying I gave her a chance to change.

Keep posting. You have a good head on your shoulders, it is clear you are a giving person who truly wants to do the right thing for his family. I saw someone posted you were trolling (I didn't see that in your post) but if you are, stop...when you decide (if) its over there will be plenty of time for ego boosts (and I say go for them) but not unless you are ready to move on.

She's still full-on in the affair and you're just the chump that does the laundry and keeps the house clean. Great setup for her. You need to stop all this right now and be the leader of your family. Time to man up and run your household. You have some douche bag trying to usurp your role. You can sit back and watch your marriage dissolve or you can take charge of the whole thing and put your house in order. I hope you choose the latter.

Voice activated recorder in her car for a week should get your evidence.

Though I think you are too afraid of losing her to do anything about it.

The situation as it is now is completely unacceptable and you walk on egg shells around her. You can stop this situation and demand her to become a wife. Now you can do it. You can't control her, but you can control yourself. You decide what is acceptable in your marriage. She knows damn well you're afraid of losing the marriage and she takes full advantage.

Come home. Voice-activated recorder. Tell her that her behavior and actions are unacceptable and you will divorce her when you've had enough. Tell her what you expect in a marriage.

Tell her you will not compete against the other man for her affections, and you won't court your own wife. You want to spend time with her as husband and wife, if that's what she wants, start immediately, if that's not what she wants, then be honest for once.

You seem to have nice-guy syndrome. There is a difference of being a nice guy and being a pushover

Thank you thank you thank to all for your response DEA. This is very helpful. Keep it coming, I can take it. And I want to take charge of my household, be the leader of my family, get my life and wife and family back on track. How though? I mean that's the big question. Stop the enabling, move back into my house and be there all the time...that part is done. I'm not going anywhere. Reading the 180 as we speak. Do I expose the affair to all next? Tell her if she's still in the affair and won't commit to our marriage then she's gotta go? I don't mean to sound ignorant but I'm really trying to figure out a game plan and stick to it. Get my self confidence back, get her respect back. Keep on with the advice cuz I am listening with both ears. Btw I was not "trolling" as the one post stated. Unfortunately I guess I'm just that pathetic or so weakened by this experience that I'd do anything to save my family.

TMB,

Sorry you find yourself here, but this place is full of people who have faced similar problems, and who can provide ideas about worked and did not work for them.

The first thing that strikes me in your post is that you really don't trust your gut on things. I think that you should. That inner voice was put there for a reason. That voice is YOU, TMB. When you don't listen to it, you become detached from your own emotions and can feel like a ship that has no rudder. You drift, you feel lost, when all the time there is that inner voice that is trying to help you. So please, as one positive consequence of all this, re-connect with your 'gut', your inner voice, and trust it. When you start trusting it, you will start trusting yourself. When you start trusting yourself, your confidence grows. It is a healthy thing to have working for you.

The second, and obvious, thing to say is that very few marriage counselors recommend affairs as a good way to improve the quality of a marriage. That decision is made by those who cheat, when they decide that rather than go into counselling, or talking, or making some effort themselves to improve things, it is easier to just fall onto, or under, someone else. Thereby making things much worse! So whether or not you made some mistakes in the marriage, it was your wife who chose to make none of the efforts described above, and instead to use the issues in the marriage as an excuse for cheating (which you say she has done several times before anyway). So please get rid of any notion that 'pushed her into the arms of another man' (as so many cheats like to say). Your wife made the decision to cheat (yet again), you didn't.

She revealed something terrible happened to her that she cannot talk about? That is very sad, and she needs therapy for that. But you know what? Loads of people have terrible things done to them, far more than we realise, but they do not see that as a license to abuse other people. Your wife's decision to bottle it up is 100% the wrong one, and she needs professional help with that. It will continue to mess up her life until she makes the decision to do something positive about it. But whatever demons she may suffer from, it is her choice to live with them, and they are not in any way a justification or a reason for cheating on you. Just like the issues in the marriage, very few counselors would recommend cheating as a way to fix childhood trauma. So please, by all means treat it as a sad thing, and a problem she has to fix, but do not let it be any kind of justification for cheating.

You question whether you 'rushed' the decision to move back into your own home after your wife cheated (again). TMB, I honestly don't think you should ever have left. For a start, you have absolutely no proof that your wife has ended the affair. With you gone during the week after the kids were in bed, do you really know what she was doing?

You say:

She's said to me many times, alone and in therapy, that she loves me but she just really dislikes me right now. That she doesn't want to be around me. She's said 20% of this is what I did or didn't do in the past, things I e said that hurt her ect...and the other 80% is how she feels about herself when she's around me, the shame the guilt the fact that she's not worthy of my love, that she's a terrible person. During this time I've also set out to correct all the issues she had told me about that may have opened us up to an affair. Since D-day I'll do anything around the house that needs to be done and take care of the boys. Before she comes home kids are all taken care of, fed, washed and in bed. Dishes are done, vacuuming is done, any laundry, any straightening up...anything that needs to be done so that when she gets home she can have her me time, self examination and time for introspective moments ect. Just want her to come home and relax, get her voice back and time to heal and get better. But the results in my eyes are she's getting more and more distant. If it was me that did this I'd be kissing her sweet ass for giving me another chance and doing anything I could to be next to her. Instead I feel like that's me. She's getting everything and more while I'm being ravaged by the twisting wind of emotions and lack of contact. She makes me feel like she wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I just don't get it.

I am saying this gently, but although she says she loves you, I think she is losing her respect for you. And that is why she says she dislikes you. She has behaved badly, more than once, and you are running around after her like a servant. Stop doing that. By all means help with the housework, doing it together can be something that brings you closer, but you should not be waiting on her hand and foot. It's like you are rewarding her for cheating. She probably cannot understand that, and may even wish that you would stand up for yourself more, and fight back on some things. Think about it: you see what you are doing as a manifestation of love (and I know it comes from a good place in you, you're a nice guy), but what effect is it having? Does she appreciate it? No. Because she may be starting to see you as someone that she can do bad things to, and you just let her do them. And you respond to her bad behaviour by acting like you are to blame, and trying to please her even more. She knows she's done wrong, but you aren't telling her that, you aren't defending yourself, and she is starting to see you as a kind-hearted human punchbag who permits her to do bad things, and whose loving response - rather than the usual one she might expect - leaves her feeling bad about herself and like all she keeps doing is hurting you. And instead of standing up for yourself, you let her do it again and again.

The point is, you have to have some boundaries about what you will, and will not, accept. If she feels like she can do anything to you, she will. And it becomes a cycle that will keep repeating itself, which it sounds like it already is.

There are various things that you can do, as other posters have suggested, but I really think that it would help you very much to get some individual counseling to rebuild your confidence, get you trusting your gut, and to establish some boundaries about what you will and will not accept. Once you have some confidence in you, maybe she will too. But first and foremost, do it for you.

First, you are neither pathetic nor weak. So, stop that shit right now. Second, this is a difficult task for everyone and we want you to steel yourself so that you get through it successfully. That is why you are getting some "tough love".

I'm not going anywhere. Reading the 180 as we speak. Do I expose the affair to all next? Tell her if she's still in the affair and won't commit to our marriage then she's gotta go?

Good, the 180 is your friend for reducing the pain that comes from her. Yes, I think you selectively begin exposing. Her parents, siblings, or other family members who might be influential would be a good start. Also yes, I think you need to give her an ultimatum of "him or me", and if it is him tell her you'll help her pack her bags and drive her to him and then move on with your life. She gets an hour or two to decide if you are feeling generous, but no more than that. Go take a walk while she deliberates and come back ready for an answer.