SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know my saga has been painful to read, and you can imagine even more painful to live, but over the weekend I told my wife I was done. This time I wasn't asking for a divorce, but rather informed her that this is what I was going to do.

She was very upset, and more than just a little angry. Her anger at me was for giving up and not doing the things that were suggested here to try to move forward. She was also angry that for the years after the affair I really didn't voice how I felt. In fact more that I told her I was OK when clearly I wasn't. It wasn't that I was purposely deceiving her, but rather trying to talk myself into things being alright. She is also very angry at herself for putting us in this position in the first place. The anger was short-lived and after a while replaced by pleading that we do MC and give it more time..

The thing is I am just done. Im not stupid. I know I should do EMDR, and MC, and Retroville. I just don't want to. My insides are shot from holding the shit in for so long.

I talked with my IC about this. He is disappointed in that he thought we could be fixed, but understands how I feel. We talked a lot about forgiveness. He thought the that forgiveness for her would be easier to get to as he knows how I feel about her, but the bigger issue is forgiving myself for staying. I have been called out here for letting my ego get in the way, and putting being right before being happy, and the criticism has a lot of merit. I have been called out on this on other things non affair related. Obviously I need to look into myself and work on this.

The thing is I think I could have forgiven the affair if it was a one time thing. I think the marriage was over the second time she got into my bed with him. If she would have come to me and confessed that she got swept upon time I really think I could have come to grips with that. But over and over, the things they did, and having me meet with him was just too much. She is naturally having regrets and says that she already felt like a whore the first time, so the second time was easier. She too wishes she stopped before it got so far. And now I can't forgive myself for being put through that and staying.

It is crushing to hear someone you love in so much pain, but in the back of my head I am thinking what the hell did you think would happen when I found out about this? you were married to me for 25 years?

She is totally lost and has virtually no confidence left. The sad thing is the whole construction project was done to bolster her. I had a high powered job and she was just coming off launching our girls into the world. This project was hers. She made most of the decisions and when I came home at night she would lead me around to show me the great things that she had done. Meanwhile most of the great things were between the sheets. She fucked this up and fucked up the marriage and she knows it. So now she thinks nothing she can do will ever be right. I guess at this point I need to let her go to try to get her own mojo back.

To everyone who followed and helped me thanks. I wish there was a happy ending to the WWTL marriage tale, but I am hopeful that both of us will still have a happy ending even if it isn't together.

Just letting you know you have been heard.

My story is somewhat similar.. I stayed for 4 years after d day and noe I post in D/S. Filed this morning.

One thing I had to recognize.. I had to stop feeling bad for his pain. While I understood where the A came from and was aware of him "trying"... it took me four years to realize that I spent my entire M sacrificing my happiness for his.

A lot of reflection on how it always somehow became about his needs and his paon.. at the expense of me and the kids... I was very co dependent.

Once I recognized that... D was my only option.

Have faith on yourself and what your gut is telling you.

It is hard to watch the person we love struggle and beat themselves up... we feel guilt and want to fix it for them.

For me.. it's just like you said.. I just didn't have anymore to give.

It is a relief now.. letting go of the responsibility for his happiness and well being.

Stay strong.. D/S has been invaluable to me in supporting me as I go through this.

I wish you oeace and strength from a fellow traveler down this road to self recovery.

Sorry to hear it's taken this long, but I'm happy for you that you have come to the final decision @waited. I'll be watching on the sideline and hope to see you overcome this nagging pain. You have a bright future ahead!

Wow. I know you've wrestled with this decision since before I started reading here. I know you've agonized over it and tried what you felt might have the best chance of working. While additional steps were possible, you were by no means obligated to take them. You'd done enough, but it wasn't enough to change the way you felt about your WW and M. The truth is maybe it never would have been enough and its best just to call it a day. I am sorry it has come to this, but I am happy you have arrived at a decision that you think is best for you. I hope you can be happy again.

So sorry, wwtl. I know you've been called out on ego, being right, do EMDR, etc. That you should be doing more. It's been said that you were meant to be together and you really want to be so suck it up (well, not quite like that but close).

It is your life and your decision. I think you kept hanging in there hoping some miracle would happen or clinging to what you thought you had. I think that during your separation and then getting back together it has all become clearer to you. Like you said - you just don't want to. You now know, finally, that you are done.

Take care, wwtl. Look after yourself.

I'm glad you made the right decision for you. Hopefully now you will heal, and your wife too.

Bro hugs WWTL.

Who knows what the future holds. Let go of the outcome.

Strength brother

I am sorry it has came to this for you. It takes a lot of effort on both spouses to save a marriage after infidelity. However this is the chance they took when they cheated and broke the marriage vows.

Don't put yourself down for how you feel. Sometimes it is just a deal breaker and sometimes it takes a while to realize that you will never get over what they did no matter how remorseful they are now. I know I tried for 3yrs of false R after I initially filed for D. I felt stupid after the fact until I realized I could say I tried.

I am all for those that can rebuild a new marriage from the rubble, but R is not for everyone. Nobody wants to give up on the marriage, but if you can't, you just can't. Just know that's OK too.

Wishing you that happy ending you are hoping for, WWTL. (Well, that looks rather weird when I write it out! ) This is a huge decision, and one I'm sure has not come easily. As you said, what does a WS think will happen after we learn of their blatant betrayal? The bigger surprise should be that we are even willing to give ourselves a shot at R.

All the best to you.

Wow- I can really relate to this post. I keep telling myself WH is trying, he is very sorry, he still needs to heal from his CSA, he is learning to feel his emotions, trying to develop empathy etc., etc. It is all true. But like you, I just don't want to do this anymore.

Good for you for listening to your gut. It isn't the easy choice and there are lots of doubts, but it will be ok.

So sad and sorry to read your post. I can hear your pain.

You tried and I hope your wife sees that. I'm not sure my H can ever trust me again and maybe equally as important is I'm not sure he should.

When someone decides to cheat, how can they (we? I?) for a second think the other person should "by over it" or understand. That's a sticking point for me in my own M. We'll see how it plays out.

You've done well and tried. Love your littles and pour yourself in to them. Make sure they don't cheat or put up with a man that cheats on them.

Best wishes to you.

I'm sorry, wwtl - who among us ever imagined that this would be part of our story? After infidelity, the BS is left with no good options - each path is littered with the detritus of someone else's horrific choices. So I also understand. I hope you finally find some measure of peace with this decision. Best to you and yours.

Sometimes you just know when you are done. I know this has not been an easy decision but I hope that now the pathway is clear you and your wife can work on healing yourselves individually. Surviving Infidelity doesn't have to mean surviving it still together. If the marriage can't be fixed it's better to acknowledge that and move on. You both have a chance to find some peace now and I wish you both the best going forward.

Waited, I hope you find some peace along your new path.

Its almost 19 months to the day that you joined this site. That is a fair amount of time to process your feelings.

In that time all of us who have followed your story know the anguish and pain you have suffered. Many people have called you out for your issues (ego, pride, etc). Others have called your WW out for her issues (TT, lying, meeting up with the OM, etc) But none of that really matters now.

No one likes to see a marriage fail. I think you are correct in that it died when she went back for more. You getting the D is the signing the death certificate. These events were set in motion 5 years ago. The slow motion train wreck is coming to an end.

The tone of your post is different this time. It really seems you have come to a final decision.

If there is any silver lining maybe it is that you both can start to heal yourselves individually. Without the constant trigger that being in each others presence causes. You will both be free to pursue new relationships and build new memories.

Perhaps you can find someone who is faithful and will love you the way your WW used to before the A. And perhaps she can find someone who will not see her as a cheater.

The EMDR and other approaches are always available to you if you find your pain causing issues in future relationships.

Keep your head up. You did not fail. This outcome is not your fault.

I'm sorry to hear this, but I sure do understand. I'm sure we all do. I kick myself every day for being here, but at the same time not wanting to give up on a lifetime together. I still don't know how it's going to end up for us, but sounds like you're at peace with your decision, and that's an accomplishment in itself during this whole nightmare.

waitedwaytoolong, You gave R a fair shot and that's all any WS should ask of their BS. Good luck to you on your new journey.

I have been following your story and posts from some time ago WWTL. I'm sad to see a marriage of more than two decades end up but truly feel divorce is a necessary step for you.

Your story truly breaks my heart. How you were married for so long, went through so much together, had so much to forward to. All ruined for a purely physical affair.

I admire your efforts for trying. But some of us just don't have it in us to get past the level of treachery and deceit. I know I didn't. I fooled myself into thinking I could forgive my WS as I felt my WS was truly remorseful and did the right things. I could never forget nor forgive my WS's actions.

I don't think you can ever move past your WS indiscretions either. That's why I'm happy for you. You've finally stopped torturing yourself into thinking the marriage can be salvaged. Now, you can finally move on with your life.

I wish you the best of luck with your future.

(((HUGS)))