SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just Once!

Yesterday was our 10th Anniversary. I had prepared a nice “Coffee and Cake” with friends and Family. H. got called in for work despite him promising he would not work on a Saturday. ( Boss knows he can always depend on H. and since no other worker sacrifices a Saturday he was asked if he had time). The Children were heartbroken. H. had promised to go Apple picking with him. I never believed he would go through with it. Too many times has he done extra shift despite telling the children he would be there. When he came home and sat down around 14:00, our guests arrived. It was nice until my MIL asked me why if I was wearing my wig or my natural hair. I replied that it was my natural hair and that I will donate the wig on monday. A “Friend” remarked that I should keep it - after all no one knows if the cancer returns and it would be a reminder to be faithful to my H. who supported me. She also alluded to it being karma again. You could hear a pin drop. My H. sat there playing with his phone. MIL suggested she better shut up fast. Then I threw her out. Told her she was not welcome on our property ever again.I forgave her once, I will not do so again.

The rest of the evening went ok. I busied myself in the kitchen and cried myself to sleep. H. either did not hear her while being sucked into the Piece of §$%$”§Q%%Q or he did and ignored it. It felt like a slap. Even after the fact he did not even say sorry or any other kind word once. Not even asking me how I was.

Today I did not went to church. I was too angry and sad after him telling me what a nice evening it was. He also asked me to forgive his so called “friends”. Again. I told him that twice was no mistake but deliberate and that I would not have her in Our house again. He then changed topic.

I left to visit my Brother and his wife.

I asked myself if I overlooked a triggering moment but I found none. I asked myself if I could have been kinder, more supportive but again I did my best. And he seemed to be ok. His media addiction/job addiction is so so damaging, it puts everything good and right last. I hate his addiction, seeing him loose true friends because of it is terrifying. He always met up with his buddies to watch soccer. But for the last 6 month he has been so deeply buried in the unreal he had no time.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 5:02 AM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Good for you for kicking her ass out of your house. WTF is up with all these people who say such an awful thing?!?!? Maybe it's a cultural difference because unlike the one asshole who said it to me, I don't think anyone else in my life would dare, even IF they thought it.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:04 AM, August 20th (Sunday)]

This woman and to a lesser degree her husband are one of those people that never leaned how to behave in polite society. They are both energy vampires.

I am so sad that my H. was enthralled with his phone during the whole evening. That hurt far more then the remarks.

Have you considered that your husband is escaping into his device,and work, because it's easier than dealing with a wife who blames him for her affair? A wife who overflows with resentment for him?

I read on your other post that you refuse to share a bed with him because he doesn't initiate sex. There seems to be no intimacy in your marriage. And, by intimacy, I'm not talking about sex.

Do you know what he is doing on the phone? Tough situation with friends. Sounds like they are friends for your husband and just not friends of the M or R. Is it possible that the "Friend" was cheated on in the past and has contempt for you? Or perhaps she likes your husband and has contempt for you because you hurt him? The reality is there will always be people that hate cheaters. In in healthy R, those types are either not friends of the M or the BS will stand behind the WS and enforce respect if they are. From what you have typed. Your R has been a mess from the start. It is also possible that they are in communication with your husband and he is fueling the fire.

Spiraltaenzerin - I do agree that disparaging remarks have no place in a home and that the two of you should be united against it. I'm sorry that you and your BS are not yet at that place.

It's difficult to tell the real situation in your R since you seem to be blaming your BS for some things and even punishing him for his behavior. Perhaps the ultimate punishment to him was the A.

I urge you to think about separating the two. As we move forward after the A, there are several items at play. There are the actions and activities that took place prior to the A in the M that I'm sure both parties have to own and fix. But even before that can happen, there is the incredible pain from the A that needs to be addressed and in that, as a WS, there needs to be acts of contrition and remorse and a willingness to fix the brokenness before the M can be repaired.

It sounds like you are trying to put one before the other and it is causing some chaos in your M. That may be why your BS cannot join you in protecting you against the horrible commentary of his "friends." Maybe it is his way of punishing you for what you did to him, to the M, and to your family.

I don't think what you did with regard to asking those folks to leave is wrong. I think it is imperative that you stand up for yourself. Just as imperative however, is the need to own your actions in totality and realize that no matter what, you've got to give first now that you've committed the crime of infidelity in order for your BS to be able to feel safe enough to defend you as well.

Have you considered that your husband is escaping into his device,and work, because it's easier than dealing with a wife who blames him for her affair?

He never even hinted at that. And once again, my resentment is reserved for my journal and SI. Enabeling me to not show him my resentment at home.

I read on your other post that you refuse to share a bed with him because he doesn't initiate sex. There seems to be no intimacy in your marriage. And, by intimacy, I'm not talking about sex.

The nonsexual intimacy is good, no complaints there. One point we both agree on.

But being rejected every time I initiate sexy time wears me down. It gnaws on my self esteem. If you are in a sexually fulfilling relationship you most likely have no idea how that feels to be rejected so often. Lying next to him is hurting me, it reinforces the rejection and lets the resentment bubble up.

But even before that can happen, there is the incredible pain from the A that needs to be addressed and in that, as a WS, there needs to be acts of contrition and remorse and a willingness to fix the brokenness before the M can be repaired.

This is exactly what I did and I thought he did as well during the last 6 Years.

Is it possible that the "Friend" was cheated on in the past and has contempt for you? Or perhaps she likes your husband and has contempt for you because you hurt him?

This kind of behavior is not ok. No matter what she went through. Not in front of all the people. She could have aired her dirty laundry one on one. But I doubt she was stirring the pot for any other reason then to cause trouble when she realized no one paid her exclusive attention. Her Husband is my Husbands friend.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 12:29 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I am not in a sexually fulfilling marriage. For many years, I was rejected on a regular basis. I would have loved to have sex with my husband several times a week. But, it was an average of once a month. I tried everything. I was fit, attractive, sexy, and made sure to satisfy him in various ways during sex. I tried constantly to spice things up, so it never seemed routine. And, when we did have sex, it was great sex. My husband would agree. But I was rejected, constantly, because he had already watched porn,and had taken care of himself. He has a porn problem, clearly. But, anyway, I know how much it hurts to be rejected. I know how it erodes your self esteem. I know how very painful it feels to have your husband not want you. And, obviously, he cheated, so that's just all the more devastating. The difference is, though, that while, yes, I had sexual needs that we're going unmet, it never occurred to me to cheat. It never occurred to me to get those needs met elsewhere. Because I didn't just want to have sex. I wanted to have sex with my husband. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to feel wanted by him. Having sex with another man would have felt empty and shallow. And so wrong, because I love my husband.

My sex life now is basically the same as it was back then. Only now I'm the one who wants it less. He cheated. Nothing kills a person's libidio more than a spouse who cheats.

Nothing kills a person's libidio more than a spouse who cheats

The Problem was present before the A. It made me weak. Gnawed on my self worth and body image.

If the A. was a reason he would have said so and not employed the wheel of excuses all LL People use. In a LL´s Mind it would be the ultimate excuse.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 12:35 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Ok. You're determined to blame your husband's low libido for cheating on him. We all know that. You refuse to acknowledge you had other choices.

From a betrayed spouses point of view, your husband isn't going to magically want more sex now that you cheated. You basically threw gas on to an already burning house. Expecting him to want it more, now, is unrealistic. You emasculated him. And you blame him.

If you think your husband doesn't feel your resentment, you're fooling yourself. It's palpable.

Having sex with another man would have felt empty and shallow.

It was shallow for me. But in me was a fire burning. Anger, Resentment and insecurity made me weak. I felt so so good afterwards. a Person was hot for me, saw me as a true woman.

After the Cancer it was exponentially worse. The feeling of being a "Crone" was too strong. I am relatively young, menopause would have hit about 10 - 15 years later. Luckily they did not amputate, just cut a bit of my breast off. But I was determined to be faithful, I had come so far and I grew so much as a person. I felt like a new born phoenix. Ring from the ashes of my broken past looking into the future with hope and confidence.

If you think your husband doesn't feel your resentment, you're fooling yourself. It's palpable.

^^^THIS.

and wow.

You're determined to blame your husband's low libido for cheating on him.

It made me weak. It did not make me cheat. That was MY Choice. It was the wrong one. Yes. No if´s or but´s about it.

We all know that.

That is what you all WANT to believe.

You refuse to acknowledge you had other choices.

I had other choices. But to me it did not feel wrong - in this situation. Screwed up thinking yes, but I can not change how I felt. I can only continue to become a better person.

[This message edited by Spiraltaenzerin at 1:17 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I'm just sort of confused how you can say the non-sexual intimacy is good when your complaint is that he works too much and has an overwhelming media addiction?

The nonsexual intimacy is good, no complaints there. One point we both agree on.

But being rejected every time I initiate sexy time wears me down. It gnaws on my self esteem. If you are in a sexually fulfilling relationship you most likely have no idea how that feels to be rejected so often. Lying next to him is hurting me, it reinforces the rejection and lets the resentment bubble up.

I think there are a great majority of us on this site that feel rejected sexually by our spouse. And yes, lying next to those spouses hurts like hell. I have been brought to my knees by a combination of rejection and the self esteem hit from a WH who decided to leave our bed and go to another. However, as someone who desires R, I do not think I could force my H to move a second bed into our room to punish him and then act surprised that things are still off the rails. Just curious, what punishment for the A did you feel was fair for your H to take out on you?

I'm sure your H knows your true feelings about the A, as well as your lack of remorse per your own words, and that sets up a very poor recipe for R. You keep referencing your resentment. Do you honestly think he has none for you?

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 6:31 PM, August 20th, 2017 (Sunday)]

Actually,no, we don't all want to believe you're determined to blame your husband for your actions. Not even a little bit. You blame him in every thread of yours. Betrayed spouses,and wayward spouses,and former waywards have all pointed it out to you. And, usually when that happens, you stop posting on that thread. But,then, you circle right back to it in the next thread you start. Every time.

The way you talk about the OM, it's clear you have fond memories of him. Your husband knows this. He knows you resent him. He knows you blame him. And you've made him leave the marital bed. You keeping kicking at him, and then wonder why he doesn't want to have sex.

You felt so good after cheating on your husband. That says so much.

Does your husband have any support? Maybe you should direct him here, so he can get help.

Why are you validated by a man wanting to have sex with you?

I truly don't understand why you think a man sticking his penis in you makes you beautiful?

What is so broken in you that only the physical validation from man will fill your bucket?

I feel for you. Its actually quite sad. You are a bucket with so any holes....nothing he does will ever fill it up.

I asked myself if I overlooked a triggering moment but I found none.

Yesterday was our 10th Anniversary.

The anniversary would be a trigger for me, especially a big one like #10. Can't speak for your WH, but it is possible he was dreading it and used work as an escape.

Also, I am sorry about the cancer comment the guest made. It's hard when you are hurting to at the same time try to consider your BH's pain. You are trying though. You are at least asking yourself what you may have missed. Hang in there.

My Boss asked me to cover for a coworker who wanted to watch soccer. I am a fan myself.

My Boss asked me to cover for a coworker who wanted to watch soccer. I am a fan myself.

[BS here]

Seriously? You broke a promise with your kids to cover a shift as someone wanted to watch a f****** soccer match???

Sorry, but that's just wrong.

I'm not standing up for Spiraltaenzerin at all, but when you make a promise to your kids, you keep it. Period.