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Cattlefarmer (original poster member #55677) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, November 14th, 2017
I've been working on this thought and I would like other's opinion.
One of the many thing I have lost due to my WW cheating is my view of sex being special.
Her A's have reduced sex to a bodily function. Something you do for release.
Much like taking a shit. You can do that anywhere, it takes care of a need. Your home, a truck stop, a friends house, camping.
The release feels good, the need's been met. But there is nothing special about it.
Am I making sense?
Or is that all sex is, a bodily function?
From those that have healed, does it become special again, or is it gone for good?
Me. BS 1969
Her.WS 1978
22 years together
17 married
3 children
Dday April 2016
Separated September 2016
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.
People ask why is it so hard to trust?
I ask why is it so hard to keep a promise?
DebraVation ( member #51156) posted at 10:01 PM on Tuesday, November 14th, 2017
Yes, I view it the same way. Or as a chore - like 'better do it x times or he'll stray again' kind of logic. 
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 10:24 PM on Tuesday, November 14th, 2017
I can only speak for myself here, but yes, it did become special again. In the immediate aftermath I wanted no part of it. If I wanted "release," I could take care of that myself. Didn't need to open myself up to potential hurt by bringing someone else into it.
However, once I met my SO, it became something special again. He makes me feel special every.single.time! He ALWAYS puts my needs before his. If he is just acting, he is DAMN good! 
I can also tell you that for some people it has never been special, just a bodily function. My ex is a prime example of that. It was never about emotional bonding or closeness. For him, it was just about HIM getting his rocks off. But given his supreme selfishness, that is not a surprise.
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 4:46 PM, November 14th (Tuesday)]
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, November 14th, 2017
I guess my two XWH's ruined it for me for the most part. XWH#1 never made me feel special, and XWH#2 only pretended that it was special, until he no longer pretended and made it just about him. My SO tries his hardest to make sure I always feel special and I do appreciate his efforts, but I don't think I will ever feel special again when it comes to sex. I know I am good in bed. Hell, I've had 40yrs of experience. But being good in bed and feeling special are two different things.
XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 12:51 AM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
I hope it will be more than a bodily function. I know it was just as you say with my WW until we separated. I'm 66 years old. I'm married until I'm legally not. Sex with a new person won't happen until after I'm unmarried and it won't happen unless it is special, compassionate, intimate. I may not have sex again given my requirements.
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 12:57 AM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
I get you Cattlefarmer.
Before sex was "making love" with a special meaning.
Now, sex is just reduced to meaningless "f*cking".
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
SorrowfulSoul ( member #42817) posted at 4:16 AM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
Hopefully this is not a venting thread and as a WS I can also respond.
Sadly, I think sex was never much more than a bodily function for me. Teenage rape and childhood sexual abuse literally stole that away from me. Loving your spouse doesn't necessarily remove that violation and I couldn't see what I was missing.
My spouse during the years of our marriage wanted sex way more than me and went so far as to emotionally abuse me by saying I "owed" him sex because I was not a virgin and had waaaay more experience and must have wanted sex because of the "partners" I had as a teenager. (Those "partners" were one step above rape and/or abuse)
Feeling pressured to have sex night after night whether I wanted to or not sours sex pretty fast. My opinion did not matter one iota. In short order, it became nothing special for me. Something to get through every night by disappearing mentally (dissociating) so I could go to sleep.
Maybe as a bodily function that made it easier to cheat.
I am not blaming my BH for my choice to cheat, just responding to the bodily function comment.
It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently. Carl Jung
needfriendshere ( member #43350) posted at 4:34 AM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
I know that for H, sex is more than a bodily function. To him, sex = love. It always has. So H’s giving it to OW for 6 years, along with all the“I love you’”s and the “You’re so beautiful”s that I know accompanied it, has pretty much ruined it for me. Yeah, I guess it’s been reduced to something between a bodily function and a chore. And that’s too bad. Because once upon a time, I loved it. Once upon a time, it meant love for me too.
Me: early 50'sWH: early 50'sMarried: 23 yearsDS: 21 years oldOther DS: 18 years oldD-day: 2/14/2014H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.
Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
so if you were to compare it to another bodily function, like...oh, i don't know, farting, which is better?
BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
Sex is special again - but I'm almost 7 years out with an fWW who is doing her work.
You're a year and a half out, cattlefarmer, with no support from your W. Give yourself time and experience. I think you are on a healing path.
And when a bodily function brings joy, it has its merits. 
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 11:59 PM on Wednesday, November 15th, 2017
Oh my, is it special. Really special. TMI smug grin, squirming in the pants special. I feel loved and deliciously female special. Embarrassing the cats and causing the next door neighbors to cuss the howling coyotes special. 
Took a while from sex for getting my rocks off sake to making amazing love, but by gum, DID I get there!
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
STBXH ( member #60824) posted at 1:31 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Cattlefarmer
Holy smokes man. Have you been in my house? This is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with right now with my WW. I used to hold sex with the wife in such high regard. It was very special to me and a good night together could sustain me for a week. Now it's just gone. Not there at all. In fact, I have to use pills to perform. I see her flaws now which I never have before. It's really rough but it's now my new "normal". Sex is good. It's sex after all, but I can do this with anyone. I can't agree with you more. Good luck to us, huh? F#$%NG sad is what it is.
BH (me) 40 something
WW same
DD 12 DS 9
“The person that can fuck someone else, gaslight and lie to your face about it, is the very same person that cannot understand the soul crushing devastation you face at the revelation of their actions.” —me
hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 2:13 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
2.5 years out here, working spouse...
Definitely special again. It was after DDay it was special too, then wasn't, then was, then wasn't....now, sometimes it is a bodily function - but that is ok and fun too 
And sometimes it is just more. Good luck and take care
MalibuBayBreeze ( member #52124) posted at 4:07 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
Sex always varied depending on the mood. It could either be fucking or making love but they both were special to me. I loved how we felt together. Now? Special is not how I would describe it at all. It was special when it was exclusive, or so I thought. Knowing he shared that intimacy with some bitch took all of that away. Now it's just a function. Still feels good, but it'll never be the same.
A man or woman telling the truth doesn't mind being questioned.
A liar does.
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 6:18 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017
CattleFarmer, I hope it is more than just a bodily function. Heck, I'm just hoping to even get to the bodily function place. Right now, I'm unable to go through the mental gymnastics of who was/is she thinking about and it wasn't actually physical (though there was desire from both of them). Almost 2 months sex free and I'm just hoping to be able to compartmentalize enough to get it started.
On the plus side...it as a conversation recently with a friend about this. One of the things that was brought up was that every aspect of the M needs rebuilt, and that includes our physical intimacy. I had never thought about that as part of the rebuild package, but it does make sense.
I hope you are able to get past the bodily function phase and let us know just how it works out.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
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