SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ll try to lay all out there without making this post too long.

In June, I discovered nude photos of my wife sent to a man with whom she works. Like a idiot, and in a fit of rage, I confronted the moment I found out after getting a few screen grabs. She left for work and called her AP right away. The conversation lasted 30 minutes. Then called me.

She made an appointment to meet with our priest that night. During the meeting, she said the affair was just texts, calls, emails and photos, no contact. I knew she was lying.

After doing some digging, including looking at her google mapping data, (she gave me the login info)which showed her at his office late into the evening and at hotels, and confronting her, she finally admitted to the extent of the affair.

Her story is: She met him in summer of 2015, they became more than friends in Dec., saying “I love you” to each other, and it became physical with a kiss in February 2016. She claims they had intercourse once, a few days before I found out.

However, she continues personal contact with him. They have numerous Facebook accounts, one personal and one for work, and she contacted him through those means until she blocked all them. He created a fake Facebook to message her. She claims all personal contact ended in the middle of August but she created a fake Facebook to meassange him “about work” at ge end of August. He never answered her message. She also opened a new gmail about that time, she says to email a friend since I have access to her known gmail.

She says it’s over, that the only contact they have is for work. But in early September, she texted him with her work cellphone and he replied a few hours later. Message was “Hi.” He also messenged her work Facebook with his fake account about that time.

To rebuild trust, we have GPS sharing apps on our phones. Most recently, her phone “shut down” when she was driving by his office and her 15 minute midday drive took 35 minutes. A week ago, I used the app to see she was at a grocery store over lunch. I drove there and saw her get out of another car, into hers and leave. At first, She claimed to be at a nearby bank. A few days later, her story is she met with a tax attorney (she has tax/credit issues) and he drove her to a coffee shop, which was across the street, and drove her back to her car. She left her cell in her car to avoid detection. It just doesn’t add up. My assumption is she was with her AP and that it’s still going on.

So it feels like finding out all over again.

What really complicated things is we have a beautiful16 month old and I can’t imagine a life without seeing her everyday. If you did the math, yes the affair started a few months after my daughter was conceived and continued after her birth. That kills me and makes me wonder what kind of person I married.

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 10:02 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

Welcome Comeoutahead. I am sorry this has happened to you. But, I am glad you found us so quickly after your discovery. You are safe and among friends.

It just doesn’t add up. My assumption is she was with her AP and that it’s still going on.

Trust your gut. I think it doesn't add up either and the affair has gone underground. She is "gas lighting" you (google that term) and also doing what we call "trickle truth".

Over on the left is a healing library full of great information.

You are right, you don't know who you married. What she has done to you, the baby, the family is horrendous. I totally understand the angst about your child....but for right now you are with her everyday so try to fully enjoy every minute and try not to let this ugly mess harm your relationship with her because she only gets to be a baby once!

More will be along soon. Again, welcome.

If the mind is not there, meaning she is obssessing with him, all the monitoring/boudaries/walls is meaningless. Either she has to love/obsess with you and not the OM or show her you are not plan B or her utility/safety net. Like it always say here act like you are going to end M to save it. Remember WS need care/love of the BS to enjoy cheating. The moment she feel you have taken a stern stand she will enjoy her cheating less. Is the POS married, there is a clause in emplyment thay cannot do this? -go after him. Most probably POS is a low life fooling with a womwn with a baby. She will learn her lesson for being with a such low life if you act sternly (despite your feeling) and show her 180 and pssibilty of D if she continue to fool around. Also is she willing to look for other jobs?

[This message edited by goalong at 11:18 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

Sorry you're here man, but welcome. You're going to get submerged beneath a deluge of advice. Please consider all of it. It is hands down the very best advice available in any form anywhere on how to deal with the shit sandwich your wife is trying to cram down your throat

Respond as often as you are able to and remember 3 key points:

1)Every person on this site has one purpose in mind- helping you remove yourself from the horror and pain of infidelity. Whether or not you decide to D (divorce) or R (reconcile).

2)Her cheating is in NO WAY your fault. It is a decision that she continuously makes solely on her own in which she weighs the pros and cons of engaging in actions which she knows will very likely deal a mortal blow to your relationship.

She. Doesn't. Care. The pros(her personal gratification with her fuck buddy) outweigh the con's (your pain and anger) every time. She makes this decision 100 percent consciously and willingly and if you're considered at all, it's as a throw away variable.

I'm gonna paraphrase Maya Angelou here and say never keep someone as a priority who sees you as only an option.

Strength brother. You will survive this and thrive.

At first, She claimed to be at a nearby bank. A few days later, her story is she met with a tax attorney (she has tax/credit issues) and he drove her to a coffee shop, which was across the street, and drove her back to her car. She left her cell in her car to avoid detection.

No, this doesn't add up. Even assuming she did see a tax attorney, wouldn't be at their office and not at a coffee shop? Why would an attorney be discussing personal things in public? And why would she need to avoid detection if that's the truth?

I'd make her take a polygraph.

Your wife is lying. Assume if her lips are moving, she is lying.

The affair is still going on. Screw the polygraph, hit her with divorce papers.

What she is doing is pretty much textbook, she can't just walk away from the affair that easy, it was a fully blown relationship she was having and she didn't (doesn't) want to end it. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt and assume what your gut is telling you is correct. She has lied before so there's no reason not to assuming she is not lying now.

People don't change unless there are consequences.

You need to have the divorce talk with her now. She needs to understand you are prepared to leave her at the drop of a hat and you also need to find a lawyer and figure out your situation.

I am so sorry for you. This should be an amazing time with your child and family enjoying all life has. Sorry your wife has chosen otherwise.

It is hard to face that your wife has chosen to continue to hurt you. Again and again. Someone who says they love you but will look you in the eyes and inflict the worst pain on you.

I hope that you can get yourself a good counselor who can help you navigate this roller coaster ride. My therapist saved my sanity during my H’s A and luckily we were able to reconcile. It is a long hard road but without my therapist AND my H’s willingness to try and make amends every day we would not have survived.

We had two DDays because the A resumed after a few months. So while I thought we had reconciled the A was still going on. But I had no knowledge or clue. It was that well hidden

You will get some good advice here. You may continue to get proof of the A but this is a game to your wife. A stupid game.

I finally decided to get out of the game. I didn’t care if I had proof or not. I had all I needed (because I called the OW and inside of 3 minutes she told me all I needed to know). He could deny it all. I would say this to him “I’m sorry you don’t have enough respect for me to be honest. I thought we were going to discuss this like adults and try to resolve this”. And then I left the room.

You do not have to engage in her lies and manipulation. When she realizes it will no longer fly she will resort to other tactics. Just don’t give in to it. It is called stonewalling and gaslighting.

It will make you crazy.

Strength brother, it is tough, you are not alone, SI is with you.

Your wife likely started and continues the affair because she does not value and respect you anymore and/or is addicted to it. You can say 'stop or I D you', you should consider that anyway as a way out of infidelity for yourself and only yourself, but it may not prove effective in your case as a way towards R, she might just say, okay D because I want AP anyway and not you. But you can D for yourself and get rid of her.

As for now, you should make her not want the affair and AP not anymore. Expose, to friends, work, family, usually helps. By making the affair costly to them they might want to stop seeing each other. You can report them to HR and they might lose their jobs, or fight dirty and hire a PI to make photos of them and send those anonymously to their bosses and colleagues at work via regular mail, each day, make them and the affair the joke of the company and an irritation to their bosses. This is just an example for your consideration. You should also find out more about OM via PI, if he is married/gf then you inform OBS which is also your duty. Point is, by making the affair costly and a burden to them they might start to dislike it and stop it. Do it in secret, like a ninja be invisible but deal hard blows.

Finally, SI is a knowledge vault, read as much topics and advice given and then you will learn how to act.

Strength brother!

I'm so sorry that you are here because I know the pain you are going through. But that is why this is such a great place -- many others understand what you are going through and will come alongside to offer you insight as to what is happening and how to avoid the mistakes we made. One thing you need to understand is that the patterns of a cheater are predictable. With the thousands upon thousands of post here, the stories all end up with common threads. Your story so far, while absolutely awful, already is similar in some key areas to many others.

For a cheater, the affair is like a drug addiction -- it is a high and they will do almost anything to get another hit. Words and promises are empty. Actions matter. You're beginning to see exactly how this plays out. Each time you confront your wife with the evidence, she then knows how to craft a story that minimizes the real truth of the matter and she learns how to better evade detection. The affair only goes deeper undercover.

However, she continues personal contact with him.

This is a critical point for both you and your wife.

For your wife, real change starts with absolutely no contact with the other man. Ever again. No personal contact AND no business contact. None of this "we are just friends" or "it is only for business" or "he just gave me a ride". It is too late for either of those to ever be an option again (not to mention they are all lies anyway). As long as she has any connection with him, she is open to pursuing another hit/high.

For you, it is important to come to the point where you won't accept a marriage with another man in it. You have core needs to be loved and respected, but, in this case, you are accepting the ultimate lack of it. For your own health and sanity, this needs to be a non-negotiable.

That being said, there are 4 non-negotiables for you to even consider the possibility that the marriage might be able to be saved.

1. No Contact (NC). She writes a letter/email that you see and approve ahead of time to the OM (other man). It indicates that she has made a huge mistake, that she needs to fix the marriage/family that she damaged and that there will be NC going forward. Forever. And then she actually abides by that.

2. Transparency. You get access to everything -- email, social media, her phone, her location, etc. No hidden accounts. No apps that hide communication.

3. Honesty. She tells the truth about everything. You get to ask any question you want and she answers honestly. Not just once and not just now, but always going forward.

4. IC (individual counseling). Having an affair shows that there is a character gap deep inside of your wife. She needs to own that, find it and fix it. IC is a tool that she can use (as long as she has the self-motivation to do the hard work) in order to sort herself out and to become a safe partner for you.

If she refuses, she isn't a safe partner and the disrespect is going to slowly suck the life out of you.

What really complicated things is we have a beautiful16 month old and I can’t imagine a life without seeing her everyday.

That absolutely makes this so much more painful. However, it doesn't change the fundamental focus. Children catch their character from their parents and you only control your part of that equation. Your child will either learn that it is OK to be treated with a lack of love/respect or that it is never OK to accept this.

I know this doesn't make the situation any easier, but putting in the effort to do what is right for you sets you up to be a healthy, attentive parent that your child will need regardless of what happens to the marriage.

If you did the math, yes the affair started a few months after my daughter was conceived and continued after her birth.

As far as you know right now. Get a paternity test done. It will either solidify that what you believe is true or it will help you see and deal with an even bigger reason why your wife refuses to end her affair.

To rebuild trust, we have GPS sharing apps...I used the app to see she was at a grocery store over lunch. I drove there...My assumption is she was with her AP and that it’s still going on.

Your wife is showing you over and over again that she can't be trusted, that she will take advantage of you and that she will disrespect you. While that is incredibly painful, the most important thing you can do right now is to take the steps needed to understand the situation you are caught in and why you are tolerating the untolerable. Many others here (myself included) ended up in the same position and had to take the same steps. I'd recommend a starting point of reading through The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp), especially the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses, and picking up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (either at a book store or a PDF copy online). These things should help you gather your strength and begin taking steps that will help the situation resolve itself one way or another.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:38 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

Thanks for all the tips and the quick posts!

I’ll try to answer the questions for you all but if I miss anything, my apologies.

We have been in counselling since June. However, the first three months were a waste because she couldn’t/wouldn’t admit to the true extent of the affair. She called it broad stroke...that I knew about the infidelity (the photos) and she thought that would cover it and was all I needed to know.

Someone mentioned her affair was a relationship. Couldn’t agree more. In reading emails she didn’t delete, she consulted him for advise/told him personal things before telling me. She also blind cc’d him on very personal emails about my daughter’s then upcoming birth and pregnancy complications.

I’ve tried the divorce route. It doesn’t work. Told her to leave, she won’t. But says I can leave whenever I want then sats she doesn’t want me to leave. It’s like she’s living two lives and/or is two different people - one she wants me to think she is and who she really might be. What works with her is when I act/tell her I don’t care what she does I’ve been doing that since Monday and she seems a bit better, if that makes sense. However, I know she’s lying even when I ask her questions now.

As for the work aspect, she interviewed last week for a job where I work. I work for a state gov’t and the position is with a different department but we’d be in the same massive building. thought that was a good sign.

As for the guy, he’s actually an attorney and did legal work for us and was counsel for my wife’s work. The affair started after the attorney-client privilege was established and continued as he did additional legal work for us. As such, he broke the PA Code, which says an attorney can’t have a relationship with a client after the attorney-client privilege has been established. Also, an attorney representing an association, which my wife works for, cannot under any circumstance have a relationship with an employee. Lastly, he failed to tell me of the conflict if interest, the affair, when he did additional legal work. I am going to nail him on these infractions.

He has been married and divorced three times and is currently in s longterm relationship with his high school Sweet heart.

[This message edited by Comeoutahead726 at 12:13 PM, November 24th (Friday)]

Counseling in an ongoing affair is a waste of time

All you're getting is one lie after another.

As long as they have contact the affair will continue.

You'll stay in this predicament as long as you allow yourself to.

Agree, Marz.

Just curious if anyone dealt with an affair with a small child in the mix. Leaving my daughter is next to impossible for me to do. How did others work through this?

I hate to say it, but you need to DNA test your little one.

CDB

Yes, expose this POS to everyone!

CDB

Just curious if anyone dealt with an affair with a small child in the mix. Leaving my daughter is next to impossible for me to do. How did others work through thi

s

Never leave your home. The offender should leave if he/she want to. Record /document everything that has happened/is happening. If you are kind of have given up because of her continuing vagueness, be patient and tactful and gather all evidence. Probably you can make a case for primary custody if the marriage ends

Lastly, he failed to tell me of the conflict if interest, the affair, when he did additional legal work. I am going to nail him on these infractions.

If possible get in touch with someone who has influence like a politician. Your effort will have more breadth. Hope you are in contact with someone care about you. WW is not your friend. How about exposure which will make her see some consequences.

[This message edited by goalong at 1:31 PM, November 24th (Friday)]

Sorry you’re here, brother

Haven’t read all the replies but three things I’d advise:

1. Don’t play “pick me”. Focus on yourself and your daughter

2. Report the incident to HR. As an attorney, good chance he’s violated some ethical rule, and could get fired and disbarred

3. Hate to say it, but get a paternity test done on your daughter

Working through these situations can present all kinds of pitfalls. Unfortunately, you are falling in to several of them (as did many of us).

I’ve tried the divorce route. It doesn’t work. Told her to leave, she won’t.

That's not divorce. That's making threats and then not following through. It is teaching her that she can lie, manipulate and disrespect you without any real consequence. It actually emboldens her behavior.

What works with her is when I act/tell her I don’t care what she does I’ve been doing that since Monday and she seems a bit better, if that makes sense.

You are doing part of the 180 - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11. The way it is supposed to work is by focusing on your own healing and not giving your spouse the power to manipulate you. The purpose is not to manipulate your spouse into better behavior, but to help you break free to gain some clarity on the situation and, in doing so, to be able to make wise decisions about the path ahead.

However, I know she’s lying even when I ask her questions now.

And what is the consequence? If there isn't any, she continues to learn that she can walk all over you and that you won't do anything about it.

As for the guy, he’s actually an attorney and did legal work for us and was counsel for my wife’s work...I am going to nail him on these infractions.

Don't threaten. Do. Do your research, get appropriate advice and collect whatever evidence is needed/acceptable. Then file the appropriate complaints.

While it is common for anger to be focused on the affair partner, it is important to recognize that your spouse is equally involved and, on top of it, took vows to you against ever doing this sort of thing. While you should stand up against the injustice that this attorney perpetuated, you need to stand up against your wife as well.

You need a lawyer PRONTO. This scumbag needs to be disbarred. Your WW is MOST DEFINITELY being coached. Do NOT leave the family home! Have your child DNA tested. Purchase a VAR and keep it on you at all times to protect yourself from false DV charges.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 12:41 PM, November 24th (Friday)]

Just curious if anyone dealt with an affair with a small child in the mix. Leaving my daughter is next to impossible for me to do. How did others work through this?

I have 3 kids and know exactly the pain that you are facing. The reality is that you will come to see that your wife burned your marriage to the ground and betrayed your child too by destroying the environment that was meant to protect and nurture her. Your power and choices were removed/limited by your wife's actions. In fact, your future choices are also contingent upon what your wife decides. Given the current situation where your wife continues to lie and to find ways to excuse sneaking off to see the other man, you have two painful paths to choose between...

1. Stay together for your child, but sentence yourself to a relationship of psychological/emotional abuse as your wife treats you with disrespect and a lack of love.

2. End the marriage to provide you the chance to heal and be a stronger person and role model for your daughter, but then have to accept less than 100% time with her.

Both choices suck, but one sucks less. The advice that you are getting here is advocating an avenue that might open up another choice for you...

3. Refuse to accept any more disrespect from your wife by starting down the road to option #2. By having the self-respect to insist that you won't tolerate anymore of her behavior, she may finally have to confront the fact that her actions caused all of this and that she needs to do some serious work to sort herself out. If she actually becomes remorseful, finds her character gap and makes deep, substantive changes, there is a chance for your marriage and family.