SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry you have found yourself here.....

But I see you have already received some great advice....

Get a lawyer, file for D, and start a hard 180 (only talk to her about kids and the D).....

And MOST importantly.....if this POS is M himself, blow up Fantasyland!!!!

Tell his BW immediately.

In nearly every case where a BH finds himself in a similar situation to you, informing the OBS blows up the WW’s fantasies of riding off into the sunset with the scumbag OM.....nearly every one of these dirtbags is in it for the sex only and have NO intentions of handing over half their assets to their BW to chase romance with the WW.

Why women believe these turds and their bullshit is beyond me.

Gently, you probably want you Mr W back, but not a woman that would text another man right in front of you as her H. They is what you have right now. She is an unremorseful cheater with no consequences. It can be hard to see them dorneaht they are.

For me I wanted my H back but the cheater could leave. I threw the cheater out and meant it. I let my remorseful H back to work on R.

He thought I was never going to stand up to him.

This must be another common thing among cheaters besides the lying and rugsweeping. My ex thought I would never stand up to him either. Shocked the living daylights out of him when he got served divorce papers.

He is still with her almost three years after their affair started. Funny thing is, she is the total opposite of me. I didn't mind that he never did the flowers and gifts and love notes thing. She has admitted that she is very high maintenance.

Good luck to him!

You are doing the pick me dance - IT NEVER WORKS evidenced by thousands of posts here !!! You need to get out of infidelity fast and she needs to stop contacting the OM ! You are still in the shock stage and have not processed the terrible thing your WW did.

You cannot keep her and your M with how you are handling it now. As the saying goes, you need to be willing to lose your M to get it back. If your wife does not stop contacting the OM, the only way to bring her to reality is by serving her the D papers. Unfortunately, from the thousands of posts I read here, this is often how it works. It is another question whether or not she will stay. Wishing you lots o strength and patience - you are at the beginning of a long journey but know that you will come out stronger and wiser from the other end regardless of D or R.

[This message edited by burcm at 6:51 AM, December 28th (Thursday)]

msrodg, i'm very sorry you are dealing with this. We all know it's really hard.

Your story is actually similar to mine. So I can tell you from personal experience, as others have said, you are doing everything wrong. Your reaction is natural, but absolutely wrong.

You need to think about a few things. 1. She is YOUR wife, living with you and laughing, while texting her boyfriend about all the things they are going to do to each other the next time they see each other. 2. She told you she is NOT going to stop the A. 3. She has already contacted an attorney.

Your WW, in her mind, is already out of your marriage. She is done. There is nothing for you to save. She has a looooong list of every slight you have ever done to her, actively or by your failure to know what she wanted. You cannot change that. You are everything bad about her life, and her OM gives her everything she needs and gives her nothing but joy (in her mind).

You need to stand up for yourself. Your WW is treating you like garbage. She will be polite to you, because she has already moved on. You have kids, right? You need to show them a good example of how you should conduct yourself and not allow yourself to live in an open marriage, because right now, that is what you have.

Think about what you said. You "asked" her to stop banging her boyfriend so you can work on your marriage. I'm shaking as I type this. You should be furious! Tell her to go live her OM, she is not welcome in your home while she is in another relationship. YOU cannot save your marriage. Your wife is out, and you cannot force her to stay. What you can save, is your dignity and self-respect.

Take control of your life back. Start the 180 now. It will protect you. Go to IC for yourself. Work on standing up for yourself and your children. They deserve better and so do you. Contact a lawyer and figure out how best to protect yourself.

Is your WW working? If not, tell her she needs a job so she can start supporting herself.

First off i am sorry that you are here. This is a great place with alot of great people. But not a place any of us wanted to be.

Second you will find support here. That is what we all try to do.

Gently, as alot of others have said, there really isn't anything that you can do to sway your wife on this. Some of the opinions here may come off as a bit harsh or blunt. But they are said because people that have been here for awhile have seen this story many, many, times and through that experience know what works and what does not work the vast majority of the time.

Please make sure and take care of yourself. Your going to be in mental shock for a while. Also please understand that your reactions and what you have done is a very common response. Most of us did similiar things at first also.

The thoughts here are to help you detach and get out of infidelity. read the healing library and about the 180.

We usually recommend seeing a lawyer, especially given what your wife has done. This is to protect yourself. It does not necessarily mean you have to file for divorce this instant. But you need to know where you stand and how to protect yourself legally.

You need to protect your finances, and detach from your wife. She does not get to have you and her new love.

Any faults that you have had in the marriage does not make what she did ok. Period. This is 100% on her, her choice, her horrible way of coping.

I am sorry to say this. But this could end up being a exit affair basically. based on my experience and other similiar experiences seen here she is not interested in coming back to you at this time. She has already mentally separated herself from you. You are now basically a friend/room mate to her and the other man is her lover...

Continue to post and keep us updated. We will do whatever we can to support you.

Again i am very sorry.

Thank you all for support and advice, it has been very helpful in sorting things out. Blunt or otherwise, it's appreciated.

The OM has been separated from his wife for over a year, and has 3 children. So blowing things up with her won't make a bit of difference unfortunately.

I will be contacting a few lawyers that I've been referred to by my co-workers next week, and plan to have all my options laid out.

I know this will go against the grain of the majority of responses, but I'm not angry that this happened. Hurt, absolutely, but not angry. We had a long talk last night, and in the last year, through my actions, she thought I had checked out of the marriage. Since we're both extremely stubborn and have very different ways of communicating our feelings (she bottles things up and I over-analyze and over-discuss), we missed many an opportunity to get to the heart of our problems. This summer is when she decided she was going to divorce me and contacted a lawyer, but didn't have a time when she wanted to do it yet. She wanted to wait until our daughters got older, and wanted to wait at least until after Christmas, but beyond that was undecided. So in her mind she was just waiting for the right time but kept putting off telling me. The affair happened just a few months back, and the physical contact has been very infrequent. Not excusing anything, just stating what she told me.

Through that long talk last night, we both realized that there might be a way back from this, as long as we continue to communicate like we did.

I will talk to the lawyers, but I'm not committed to divorce action quite yet. I want to take it day by day for a time and see what comes of it. I know that will seem weak to many of you, that I should kick her to the curb and be a man and all that. But in my mind, owning up to my own mistakes while also shining a light on hers and forcing her to own them through effective communication, while continuing to be the rock for my family and not letting something like an affair destroy the life we've built together......that's being a man.

Thank you for listening, I will continue to post as this saga continues.

Best.

Did your wife indicate in your discussion that she would refrain from being physical on her trip where she will see the OM? Did she agree to not go? Or are you going to give her a pass on this and continue to try later?

I wish you well.

The OM has been separated from his wife for over a year, and has 3 children. So blowing things up with her won't make a bit of difference unfortunately.

That is not necessarily true. If OM's wife is separated from him, she likely won't be in denial about anything or try to protect him. This means you can "compare notes" and find out if your wife is telling you the truth about her affair with him (length, intensity of the PA, etc.)

It's possible they separated because of the affair he is having with your wife, or because he is a serial cheater. This kind of information could help you moving forward.

I for one am skeptical about your wife's story. It is SOOOOOO common for cheaters to rewrite marital history to justify their cheating. Better to go in with your eyes wide open

I should not beat up on you but you need to hear the truth. It will be better in the long run.

You have been cheated on before. Women tend to cheat on men that appear weak, and all of your actions after this second affair just prove that. You need to grow a pair and not tolerate what is going on. Unfortunately you cannot make a decision for her but you can make it for yourself. I suggest you start realizing your marriage is over and prepare yourself for that emotionally. This will also allow you to stop this codependent weak behavior. That may have an effect on her.

I am also puzzled by your lack of desire to have sex. I understand not being romantic, etc....it is normal for that to fade over time. But lack of sexual desire on a man? you may want to check your testosterone levels. At 47 they may be declining.

Your wife doesn’t want to stop the affair. You have very little power to convince her otherwise. This has to come from her. Begging and being willing to forgive and rugsweep is the worst thing you can do...for you and for your marriage. Work on yourself, go to counseling. The more you need her the more she will continue to abuse you. The less you need her and the more you are willing to stand your ground and show dignity and strength, the more she may start to think about you and feel remorseful. Right now she is just feeling sorry for you.

Expose the affair to friends and family. Affairs thrive on secrecy and they start to stink when brought out in public.

And by the way...your wife is not the victim here. No matter how unfulfilled she was, couples work through issues, which always have two sides to the story. It sounds like she convinced you that you were the problem, you accepted it gladly, nothing changed, and since she feels she has no accountability or responsibility she went to meet her needs somewhere else.

She cheated, lied to you and your kids, broke her vows, acted selfish, and apparently feels very little remorse. And now she wants to continue to abuse you and go on with her affair. That is the woman you are married to.

I know you are scared to lose her. Work on that. While not a justification, this codependency was fuel for her affair.

The OM has been separated from his wife for over a year, and has 3 children. So blowing things up with her won't make a bit of difference unfortunately.

Unless you heard it from the OBS, you don’t know for sure. Tell her anyway. They might be trying to reconcile while OM is having his A with your WW. It could make a difference.

Your marital problems and the A are two separate issues. Your WW gave herself permission to get involved with the OM instead of divorcing you. She wanted to wait until the kids were older before divorcing you (or at least till after Christmas ?) Affairs are known to bring violence and disease into a relationship. Why did she think it was ok to expose the kids to that?

R is possible for you, but you both have to see that your marriage didn’t cause the A. You didn’t drive her to it, whatever your flaws. If she’s still in the A, there is no R.

She has to go on her trip, there's no way to avoid it. Yesterday morning is when she said she didn't want to avoid physical contact, which got me to my lowest point and brought me here. Last night I could see that her stance had softened when she realized how much that hurt me, and which also contributed to the first real, substantive conversation about our feelings in a very long time.

I plan to see how things go in the next few days and weekend. The night before she leaves I'll ask her again to refrain from physical contact and hope that she agrees. If she doesn't, I will deal with it, stay strong and continue to work on us when she returns.

Please understand, I know this is a dangerous path I'm walking down. That I could be let down and hurt at any time. But the way I see it, if there's any hope left, you fight scratch & claw to make that hope grow. Only after I've exhausted every last shred of hope will I admit defeat.

I'll ask her again to refrain from physical contact and hope that she agrees. If she doesn't, I will deal with it, stay strong and continue to work on us when she returns.

Stunning! Really, you are going to continue to work on "us" when she returns even if she sleeps with the other man? You can't work on "us" alone. You both can work on "us" together but I see no indication that your wife is working on anything. You have your list of things that you have to do. What is her list? Has she agreed to work on anything? She hasn't even agreed to stop having sex with her boyfriend.

I've seen it asked here a lot so I will ask you. What is the absolute possible worse thing that can come from this situation for you? I suspect your answer is "to be divorced from my wife". What your answer should be is "to have to share my wife with another man". Until your answer changes you are not going to have an outcome that gets you out of Infidelity. Frankly I don't know that you are going to get anything from this site at all. This is not a site for advice on how to live with infidelity. This is a site intended to help people get out of infidelity which can be one of two ways, Divorce or Reconciliation. You are not going to get much from this site until you decide you want out of this condition regardless of the state of your marriage once you are free.

So you’re saying that if she got diagnosed with cancer today that she would still be expected to go on the trip tomorrow?

Can you go with her?

I want to say you are doing better but you really aren't.

Look, I see 5 problems

1) You are acting very weakly and see sees this and is taking full advantage of it.

2) She is weak. You knew the marriage was struggling and yet didn't cheat. She started the affair and it has lasted longer than you suggest. Why after 6 months of marriage struggles does she start cheating ? Is she that weak or morally corrupt ?

3) Why are you trying to save this, even after enduring so much pain, if she doesn't give a shit ??

4) You know she is going to cheat on you there. So as Sharkman said, would she go if she has cancer ? She doesn't have to go and no business is going to make her go if she has 'serious personal problems' to tend to.

5) At least you are seeing an attorney but with your current attitude, you won't act on their advice either.

Man, you have to get your head out of her backside and start looking out for your kids and yourself. Otherwise she is going to be re-living an episode of the Brady Bunch as early as next year

Before I post this, I must say first that I am not in any way condoning your wife's affair. Whatever the problem, of course an affair is never an answer. I'm a BS by the way.

My H was knd of like you. I needed things from him and let him know - I needed thoughtfulness and some consideration of my feelings amongst other things. He always promised to make more effort, or made excuses as to why he couldn't and I became more and more hurt and more and more distant. In the end, he had an affair as apparently having a wife who was not affectionate enough or loving enough was reason enough to go and have sex with someone else. Despite that fact that it was the hurt I felt from his actions that made me so distant.

As someone who has seen both sides, I would maybe just be aware that your wife - while obviously completely in the wrong - may feel like you wanting to stay married to her is too little too late. Which I know must seem like a nerve, since she is the one in the wrong, but from her point of view she has spent years asking for certain things from you, which you did not give her, but now she's turned to someone else, now you want to change things?

You use the word 'perfect' to describe your family but obviously things were far from perfect. Are you sure you want her to stay? Clearly things were not right for her and you did not really think that you really needed to make an effort to give her what she needed. Do you just want back the marriage you had? The marriage where your wife wanted change from you but you didn't care to give it to her? From her point of view, her putting the effort in to show she is trustworthy, to get back a marriage that made her unhappy may not be what she wants. It just seems like such a difficult situation. Your actions made her feel unhappy, she did a shitty thing and yet somehow you ate both to make your way to a place in your marriage where both of you are happy.

Again, I am NOT implying that her actions were justified. As a BS, I know the repercussions of those choices and would never wish it on anyone. If things were so bad for her, she should have, well, left you. Or asked to go to marriage counselling. Her behaviour is just awful. I really, really feel for you. But I also know how it is to be your wife and how having a husband who doesn't want to listen just kills your feelings.

I'm really not trying to be harsh it blame you for this - you did NOT deserve this. I just st wanted to give my perspective, I guess.

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to be in. Take a minute to read through the healing library on the homepage. It has a great deal of useful information. It helped me a lot when I first came here.

Now, make sure you make and extra effort to maintain yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, moderate exercise (even just a walk a day) will be to your benefit.

You seems to be a great guy who keeps getting walked all over. I was once one of those as well. Have you had issues with depression? Low self-esteem? Low thyroid or testosterone? These issues can make things worse for you, so if

if you haven't already, then please see a physician and individual counselor. These helped me immensely as well.

Just found out can be somewhat of a shark tank for the newly betrayed husband. We are guys here and many of us don't mince words. Especially when the OP is making the classic wrong moves. Actions that seem reasonable but are so very counterproductive. Nice guys don't always finish last, but one's who appear weak certainly do. Ironically, the betrayed spouses who immediately file for divorce and throw the cheating spouse out to the curb while moving forward with their own lives are the ones who are most likely to successfully reconcile. At this point the cheating spouse realizes they have to make a choice and their betrayed spouse isn't going to wait for them. That's much more attractive than saying 'pick me'. This behavior has led to a saying used here and that is: "You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it."

Meet with those attorneys and hire one of them soon.

I will talk to the lawyers, but I'm not committed to divorce action quite yet. I want to take it day by day for a time and see what comes of it. I know that will seem weak to many of you, that I should kick her to the curb and be a man and all that. But in my mind, owning up to my own mistakes while also shining a light on hers and forcing her to own them through effective communication, while continuing to be the rock for my family and not letting something like an affair destroy the life we've built together......that's being a man.

Something like an affair? I'm not sure how one can minimize broken trust, PIV sex with someone other than your spouse, lying, backstabbing and such ultimate betrayal against a person they made a vow to love, honor, respect until death do us part. Dude, there is no marriage here anymore. You are both living in the same house, that doesn't constitute a marriage. You downplay what she has done time and time again, and continually beat up on yourself. I'm sorry if you think that's being a man but I wholeheartedly disagree. Part of being a man is having self respect and you CLEARLY lack that. Good people here are trying to steer you in the right direction and you won't listen. She is going to go on that trip not because she has to, but because she's licking her lips at the upcoming opportunity to let her freak flag fly, and now that you've shown her the worse you'll do is politely ask here not to bang her new white knight, she has a renewed vigor to do what she pleases. Guaranteed.

It's really sad not only to see a good person get cheated on, but humiliated as well. And while people can give you all the good advice they can, they can't stand up for you. You have to do that yourself. Good luck. Unfortunately I believe Mr. Toads' wild ride has just begun

She's being cruel if she doesn't agree to NOT have physical contact with this ahole while she's gone. If she wants to "try" to R, she can't continue an A. This is the absolute minimum. Personally, I think she's checked out. And just as a little factoid, this is what EVERY WS says, "I thought you didn't love me, didn't want the M....etc,etc." It is pure newly discovered A bullshit.

She's had many other options besides cheating and she's rubbing your nose in it by continuing contact with this douchbag.

I'm not saying kick her out, but dude, you need to be firm about this part. You have your faults in the M, but you didn't cheat. She's now willfully breaking your heart. Who does that?