SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dude, you are my fuckin hero

I cant go any faster on the Divorce. I retained a good attorney, got it filed and served ASAP. There is a 120 day state waiting period before the final hearing. The 120 days started December 15th. I worked out all the custody and financials (at least this version before she comes back wanting more) without the attorney having to go to court. I get my freedom hopefully mid to late April, hoping my date is as close to the 120 days as possible.

She does not even have a attorney. I told her that all I wanted the attorney for was to write up what we work out. She thinks its like we are pro se but I got him to protect me just in case.

Have you ran other mans background check?

I've done my research. Nothing criminal or civil, nothing of note really. A 27 year old electrician who hasnt really ever done much... Nothing to tell here.

I think if I was you, I'd sit back and watch my police buddies play tag on them. Pull them over for everything, plant some cocaine on the other dude or something.. Haha, just a joke.

Man, I'm sorry this is happening to you

Thanks I appreciate the sentiment. I wont be doing anything work related towards them. I am a supervisor and I would be fired in a heartbeat if I got caught abusing my authority. I dont need to use it anyway, I am a better man than him, better person that her regardless of my occupation. She tried starting a text conversation earlier by asking how the kids were. I said "Good, I will have them call u before bed". Thats all you get.

Why is he allowed in your house ???? I would have a restraining order put on him claiming he is toxic to the family and your son doesnt need to be around him! Dont allow him in the house !?!?!?

He's not allowed on my property... Hes across the street with my STBEW. Not sure how that got misconstrued. He comes into my house he leaves in a body bag end of story. He is scared shitless of me. Cant make eye contact and when I do child exchange I can see him around the corner hiding. He always carries a gun now, I can see the clip that holds the holster. He aint going to come in my house.

if they get stoned often drunk driving stop may be fully within the law. You know the timelines and can ask officer onduty to be extra vigilant. Also help OBS to secure all her rights. She may be too traumatized to stand up for her

[This message edited by goalong at 8:00 PM, January 7th (Sunday)]

He always carries a gun now, I can see the clip that holds the holster.

Did you check to see if he has a CCP? I wonder if he carries when he's drunk.

I'd venture, due diligence on these 2 things ( especially by another officer) would not be abusing your power but doing your community a service.

She was only married all of 4 weeks before she found out my "wife" was screwing her husband. Finding out the woman who did her wedding hair was screwing your husband and holding him by his truck outside the reception was hard to hear. She moved out, got a new job amd is close to her family now. I feel for her and have corresponded. She is a really nice girl, 23 a RN but not my type. She took took the stuff she wanted, but there is not a lot for them to split.

Hard to read in print what my "wife" did to here while pretendimg to be her friend.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 8:48 PM, January 7th (Sunday)]

Rockstar

All these comments about your soon-to-be ex-wife and her possible misery in the future… totally irrelevant.

Divorce is the termination of a relationship. If you are constantly in the window flexing your biceps and wondering if she’s miserable then you aren’t getting out of infidelity. If you two didn’t have kids I would hope that in 6 months or so then she wasn’t taking any real-estate in your brain anymore. It’s about detaching. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

I can fully understand the joy or relief in having some “what if” moments, but be careful to limit those and to keep them real. Like how you handle the suggestion to ask your friends in blue to harass the OM and STBXW. That shows real.

[BTW – that’s an urban myth. There is no closed bulletin board with a list of people that officers harass for the private joy of other officers]

The kids change the equation though…

I’m going to touch on a sensitive subject…

Statistically its extremely unlikely that OM and XWW relationship lasts. But it might last. What is clear is that for some period OM will be active in your kid’s life. Maybe only a couple of months, maybe forever.

It only makes sense to do the backup check you did. I totally agree with that and think you should always make sure of men that might be part of your kids’ lives (teachers, coaches…). But if he passes that check… if he doesn’t show actions towards your children that are detrimental… then you should hope he can be the best influence possible for your kids.

This is not the same as liking him, having a beer with him or welcoming him into your home. You don’t have to be friends and you don’t have to like him.

But this site is full of men that are step-fathers to kids their wife might have had in a previous relationship. I would hope that anyone that is a presence (even temporarily) in my kid’s lives was as good, kind and caring to them as possible.

Your right. As much as I dont want them to benefit from the betrayal of what they did who really cares. He isnt a threat to being the central figure in my childrens lives. If it isnt him that she is with than it will be with some other toolbox, cause it wont be with me. As long as he doesnt hurt the kids i dont care nearly as much as I used to. Still seems wrong...but she is not my problem anymore other than the 3 minutes in text.messages a week it takes to communicate for the kids.

Don't beat yourself up over being angry. It's natural. Just make sure you have a good outlet for when it comes on you. Emotions are not bad. Letting emotions control you is. You need to stay in control.

Are you seeing an IC for yourself? It was very helpful for me.

Sounds like you are doing a great job at the 180. Keep it up. Do you feel like it is helping you?

You are right, whether she chooses this loser or some other loser, there will be another man in her life. Doesn't change that you are their father and the best man they will have in their lives. But it is understandable that you would want that man to be someone who is respectable and honorable, which the current guy is not.

Yup seeind a IC. He didnt think I needed to keep coming bit I will be doing at least one more appointment with him.

The 180 seems to be making a difference. I feel like I am crashing hard though. Struggling to keep momentum. Think the past month of going 100mph is catching up with me and my body wants to shut down now that I am in a decent enough place that I am not in full blown crisis mode. I dont want to hit depression so I am going to keep pushing.

Your last post is reason enough to keep some regular contact with your therapist. Think about the feelings you expressed. And the logic they show you are using. You've been pushing 800MPH and you're feeling the effects. You feel you'll shut down and lose momentum because your going 800MPH. You're going to keep pushing though(at 100, 800 MPH?).Your diagnosis is correct...you mind and body have been over revving at about 8000 RPM...the tach has been in the red zone because it had to be during the crisis. Maintaining your momentum is important. Shifting the focus to your self care, throttle back to 4K RPM, no need for the turbos to cut in now.

The 180 seems to be making a difference./quote] Your family (kids, mom) and the 180 are your greatest assets to your self care/healing. The emotional detachment the 180 brings does keep your mind and body from racing away. It works. It requires practice.

And I expect you've formed an inkling that the 180 has affected your STBEW. Comments like 'you were quiet and short in our conversation' can cause you to make a valid connection betwn your employing the 180 and your STBE noticing a difference. Just be mindful that the 180 is all about you and nothing about her.

Rock, you got a great plan. Your executing well. Take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your kids. I see you at that stage now.

BTW, I've noticed you posting on other member's threads. You know how important it is to offer just moral support. Good to see that you are able to provide that support.

I'm with TimelessLoss on this.

Yup seeind a IC. He didnt think I needed to keep coming bit I will be doing at least one more appointment with him.

What does he thinks you don't need to come? Sounds a bit strange.

From what I got from the IC he thinks I know what I got to do and am doing the right things. Really hasnt been a lot he tells me anymore. From what he told me I just need to do the same stuff and just give it time.

He did build me up quite a bit. We have known each other for 7 years. He thinks I am going to come out of this smelling like roses and that any woman would be glad to have me. He offered to psychoanalyze the next one before I marry her, had a good chuckle about that.

I just think he doesnt think there is a lot he thinks he can do for me anymore. I sleep like a baby after I see him so figured I would see him at least one more time and re-evaluate.

ok, your IC sees the same we do :)

Also agree that you need to see him again. You set the wheels in motion. It looks like for the time being everything is under control. You can relax a bit. That's when emotions usually catch up. You need to be prepared for that.

Your body will react sooner or later, no matter how hard you play it. I was 1.5 years removed (no IC) thought I had it figured out, then I was running 5 miles and all of sudden started balling. Could not stop the tears. It was my body letting it all out. It was quite therapeutic.

What also helped, boys weekend getaways. Beer, cigars, and sports. You need friend support.

Pulling for you.