SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see so much PAIN on this site . I WISH I could take it away for ALL of us (((HUGS))).

I sometimes want to SHAKE some of you though and tell you that YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! DON'T SETTLE!!! FIGHT...FOR YOU!!! But I've been where you are...twice. I know that no one else can walk this path FOR you. Whatever it is you experience...it has to be YOUR experience.

I know...if I don't like it...LEAVE . But this is HOME to me . THIS is where I was able to tell others who had been where I was about the DEVASTATION I was going through when my world as I knew it was destroyed. It is weird...people who know me IRL have no idea about me like some of y'all do .

Life is so GOOD for me and my H...better than EVER . I don't see the adultery co-conspirator as anything but a broken person who needs my prayers. I see my H as a man of integrity again . He worked his ASS off to earn that back...and I am so very PROUD of the man he has become . I gave him the chance to RISE up to my expectation of what MY husband could be...and he soared above all of my expectations .

I could meet someone else and not have to carry the baggage that I have with my H and his A. But that baggage also includes children...grandchildren...melded families...vacations...holidays...deaths...and so MANY other things that have made US...well...US . The A is there...it will always be there. But WE have dealt with it...TOGETHER . It does not define US...there are too many other things that make up US!!!

It makes me feel guilty to write some of this though...on here. I don't know what the secret is...why some of us can move on and live HAPPY and PEACE filled lives...and others can't . I know that MY experience is different than others. Heck...even the experience with the A from my 1st M is different...and it had a different outcome.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. I just want to let all of you know that there IS hope...things CAN get better...but there isn't any magic potion for it. And sometimes...it doesn't work out . But when it DOES...oh MAN...it is so WORTH IT .

Just remember...YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! DON'T SETTLE!!! And most importantly...FIGHT...FOR YOU!!!

Nice post, I really hope to reach somewhere even close to that one day. Sometimes like right now it seems impossible, like it might never come. But I also had days where is great and I see hope. Thanks

[This message edited by Angelvictorious at 11:02 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

I do understand now why a number of folks who find peace in R move on from SI.

This same great forum that helps us through serves as a constant reminder of the trauma we have survived, and so many new souls arrive in pain everyday.

It makes me feel guilty to write some of this though...on here.

And this. I tend to post my tougher days here and not the better ones. On one hand, it is cool to offer some hope for those aiming for a strong rebuild -- on the other hand I feel bummed for those folks in limbo or with spouse that isn't remorseful.

I do think it is important to pay it forward when possible, but maybe some breaks now and then to focus on and enjoy life without the constant reminders of the horror show stuff.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:13 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

I don't see the adultery co-conspirator as anything but a broken person who needs my prayers.

I want so much to get to this point in my recovery! I have gone from praying for them to get throat cancer to "I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees, praying. I hope your soul is changing."

I see my H as a man of integrity again  . He worked his ASS off to earn that back...and I am so very PROUD of the man he has become. I gave him the chance to RISE up to my expectation of what MY husband could be...and he soared above all of my expectations.

This ^^^^^ is exactly how I feel about my fwh. I wholeheartedly agree that it was worth keeping us.

I think the secret is having a fwh who really steps up to the plate to fix their shit! I am so in love, again. This time I know that if he blows it, I fell in love with him with my eyes open this time. I certainly don't want to ever try to get to know someone new. I'm okay by myself if that becomes necessary. While I know that I will never be 100% confident, I think I would be less confident with someone I don't know as well. I'm glad I stayed. Our M is really good and gets better daily.

I too really feel bad for all those here who are still hurting so badly. I still have moments where it feels like a fresh punch to the gut and kick in the head. Those moments are getting less and my fwh helps me through those moments.

For me, I also know that had I not been willing to lose the m. Had I not separated. He would still be in his sick infedelity pattern. He has even said as much. I was not willing to settle for less than I deserved for a single minute longer. He sought help on his own. I didn't do anything toward his healing. He had to want it. Those are the things that I think make a difference. I am also willing to heal. By that I mean, I need to process my resentments so they do not define my attitude and how I treat him. While we talk about my triggers, I have had to let go of throwing this in his face. I need to be willing to let go of the past and focus on the present. I need to keep track of the positive and the progress we are making.

It takes two completely committed people to make a good m and it takes two super-duper committed people to R after infidelity. The wayward can't afford to slack off more than a moment. The betrayed can't afford to use the past behavior of the wayward as a whipping tool.

I am very grateful to God, 12 step programs, our IC and MC, Retrouvaille and my fwh for our progress.

This is coming from a person who was suicidal the frist 18 months, needed inpatient treatment, was severely depressed for the better part of 30 months.

My heart goes out to those who are hurting. I get it. And yes, sometimes it is all I can do to read here. I do believe in giving back and the people of SI have been there for me through the worst part of my life.

W2bha - keep posting your positive, wonderful smiling face posts!

There have been many ppl here with unremorseful WS lately.

I see so much PAIN on this site

Sometimes it can feel like a giant bottomless put of pain.

But you know, if you fall in, I'm in there making enough gas that all it takes is an umbrella and a lighter to propel you back out.

This is a good post because I think people start thinking there is no hope for R. I was especially saddened to read the “it’s been 40 years and it still hurts “ thread. Although those threads have a place here, it is daunting. I have a good marriage now and those threads upset me. Make me discouraged. It’s part of the reason I think people stop coming here. It isn’t because they don’t care about the ones still hurting. It’s because it’s counter productive to their own healing. I take breaks from here often and there will probably come a day when I’ll stop altogether. But it isn’t because I don’t care or can’t relate. It’s because in order to fully heal, I have not doubt our success. I am in no way suggesting that those posters stop posting. They need to.

Thanks for posting this, W2bha. My situation is more like yours, in that i have healed, my H has owned up to all that took him down the infidelity path and has made great strides in self improvement. And i feel the A are in the past at this point.

My struggles have centered on watching my H do his work, and occasionally backslide (porn turned out to have a bigger hold on him than he realized). SI has been a good place to share those setbacks, as well as our successes. I, too, feel fortunate that my H chose to do the work and continues to do so. But his issues ran deeper than either of us knew. I wasnt prepared for whete this has taken us, but having this support group has helped make it easier.

I feel I am a "success" story, so each time I've had to share a setback ive worried what effect it would have on others looking for hope. But ive wanted to show that setbacks can be a part of successful R. I honestly believe my H and I will be in this for the long haul. But to do so means we need to continue to work and make needed changes. Its been quite an adjustment.

It IS hard to see the pain here. This is absolutely brutal. But thete is wisdom to be found as well as strength. And i do appreciate you leading the positivity charge ☺

I come here every day. When I am feeling down I dont post much. When I am feeling better I do post. I have posted when I needed help and I have posted offering help to others.

This is the only place I can go where I can discuss this with others. "Normal" people dont want to be bogged down with your problems.

So thank you to all my non-normal friends for being here for me when I need you.

I'm sorry any of us had to find this place but very thankful to have found so many caring people here.

Thank you WTBHA for continuing to be positive! I check this website all the time although I don't often post. The main reason I come here is for hope.

I want so much to get through this to a good marriage for myself and my children. I'm making progress but my heart is still broken. Yours and the other stories of reconciliation keep me going.

Thank you xx

Funny...I was just thinking I need to put this site away again for a little while. For me, it can keep the pain alive at times. Of course, when I am already in pain I come here! And mostly feel better after. Validation - this is a long journey, I am not alone, I can do this, NTV just suggested an explosion of his toots to save you....its the little things.

I get it! I love your positivity!!!! If you need a break for you though, take it!!! You have done great things here!! And for you and your family!! You have certainly earned your happily ever after!!

NTV just suggested an explosion of his toots to save you

Unfortunately, I can't advise which hair care products will be needed afterwards.

Great post Wants2b

But only 13 emojis.....you’re slipping...

Sometimes it seems to go in waves here

Positive and healing, then next month a wave of hurt and pain.

I do tend to post more when I’m in the wave of hurt and pain versus positive.

But we need both !!! Positive posts to let people know it can be done and pain posts to let people know you’re not alone and to seek advice.

I don’t think I will ever get to a place of praying for the OW (other than praying for her demise)

There is so much pain. I wish there was a way to help everyone or just to prevent infidelity altogether.

Thank you for posting your positivity, it’s always welcome:)

Also wanted to point out that the pain ‘40 years later’ thread, while terribly sad, the theme in there is rugsweeping.

Deal with the hurt now, and it won’t come back later like this.

Pain not transformed within be transferred.

End t/j.

Want2be: This is beautiful to read. Thank you. I know that I am on SI much more on days when things are not going well, I feel that might be true for most of us, so we don't hear as many positives as we should, but your post gives me hope. I pray I can get to where you are some day, but my D-day is only 8 months behind yours and I feel my R is further behind. Although WH is working very very hard and I am happy with how I am being treated, it has brought up the fact that we are very different people with very different priorities. I know we each care deeply for each other, but we have very different needs from a primary relationship. My needs have never truly been met, and I suppose his have not either. I think, sadly, it will always be a struggle to meet each others needs, or conversely, it will just take a lot of effort to meet each other's needs, now that we both know what they are...and it's about time. We have to decide if it is worth it, or if it's just exhausting.

W2BHA - I share in your joy and your concern. I stopped responding to so many posts because I feel like the point I'm at on my journey is not felt yet by so many on here. I want to yell - you'll be okay, take the higher long road, gain perspective, you can come out even better on the other side. Ah, but there is a sacrifice on the other side, isn't there? That sacrifice is change, and a realization (acceptance) that things will never be the same even though we know it can be better on the other side, albeit different. That's tough stuff and I'm reminded of the Pema Chodron quote from Onlytime:

...we know that all is impermanent; we know that everything wears out. Although we can buy this truth intellectually, emotionally we have a deep-rooted aversion to it. We want permanence; we expect permanence. Our natural tendency is to seek security; we believe we can find it.

Aside from the great work Mr. ISurvived has done to change and be a safe partner, helping me to start to trust again, I think this quote sums up the paradigm shift I've had to make moving forward. I don't expect anything other than what I have today. I'm not looking that far into the future and saying this is forever. It may be, but it may not be. For today, it fits my needs and my family's needs and R is desirable. I'll face tomorrow when I get there.

Getting to this point is awfully difficult because it requires us to change our perspective. How can one change their perspective when in shock and when their world has crumbled? So it is painful to look back and watch others in that crumbled state. How do we convince them that they'll be okay particularly when so many are years away from d-day and still struggling?

I will say that the positive stories on SI kept me alive, literally. I clung onto them, I sought them out, I counted the minutes, hours, and days that separated me from the day that changed my life. On the other side, I'm content but I had no idea how to get there before.

Thanks for this. I've been wanting to post a thread for awhile called, "You can't save everyone."

I think that those of us in successful reconciliation found ourselves here because of a number of common factors:

- Our absolute willingness to lose the marriage in order to hopefully save it.

- Our absolute unwillingness to accept anything less than remorse backed up by consistent actions over time.

- Partners who desperately wanted to regain not only their marriages, but their integrity.

- Partners who were willing to fight for what they realized they really needed, for as long as it takes.

I want this for everyone! But it takes two. It takes the BS putting their foot down and accepting nothing less than full respect, empathy, remorse and a WS doing the work. And it takes a WS willing to do the work.

Unfortunately, too many BS's are too desperate to save the relationship at any cost, hoping against all evidence to the contrary, that it will work out and their partner's pretty words and good intentions will be enough,.

Because of this many WS's haven't had their "Dday" - when they see their partner stand up and say "NO MORE" and mean it. When they see the full extent of their BS's pain, confusion, rage, disorientation, grief and despair. So they never see the need to do the work.

Beyond that, there are many WS's who just don't give 2 fucks for anyone other than themselves. They've abused their BS's emotionally over the years, breaking their self esteem to the point that the BS thinks this is all there is, this is all they deserve, this is the best it gets. These WS's may spout pretty words to get their way, but there is no intent behind it. Or they don't bother, and they flaunt their continued betrayals. All the while the abused, codependent BS hopes.

I see these play out every day here, and like you W2BHA, I want to shake them. Show them what they don't yet want to see, but you can't save everyone. I invest in people here, emotionally. And then I get frustrated with the ones who just don't want to see. Because they will be back here.

I've divorced over infidelity because that situation demanded it (no empathy, demanded rugsweeping). I've also successfully reconciled and healed because this H had it in him to change and I was ok giving him the chance to prove it. I didn't need him. I could have and would have divorced in a heartbeat if he'd reverted, lacked empathy, became defensive or stopped growing and dealing with his Why's.

As you said:

Just remember...YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! DON'T SETTLE!!! And most importantly...FIGHT...FOR YOU!!!

That really resonated with me. Thanks.

It is. I don’t post nearly as often as I used to but I read here everyday and it’s so draining. I go through such a range of emotions. Sadness, happiness, anger, bewilderment. Sometimes I want to just grab someone by the collar and give them the Three Stooges slap to wake them up and sometimes I just want to give people a big virtual hug (except for NTV - for him I just fart in his general direction).

But this is such a special place and it helps so many people. There’s so much pain but there’s also so much that’s good and positive. People trying, working hard and fighting for themselves and their loved ones. Sometimes in the worst pain we see the best of people too. I’ve had my own ups and downs during my journey but I’m not complaining at all. We are in R and working at it all the time. I’m lucky I guess, as much as you can call having a wife cheat on you “lucky.” I think stories like ours are important. There are so many times I see voices clamoring for harsh direction or pushing for a specific outcome, it’s frustrating. Maybe those of us who are making it work can show others that there are different paths? That your life isn’t over? Tough times are ahead but how you react and how you move forward is a statement of who you really are inside. There’s so much pain and heartache but you can work through that and discover the best parts of yourself. Your inner strength. Your character. And you can also find love and hope. It’s not easy and it takes two to tango, but it can be done. And if you’re able to, IMO it’s very very worthwhile.

Maybe those of us who are making it work can show others that there are different paths? That your life isn’t over? Tough times are ahead but how you react and how you move forward is a statement of who you really are inside. There’s so much pain and heartache but you can work through that and discover the best parts of yourself. Your inner strength. Your character. And you can also find love and hope. It’s not easy and it takes two to tango, but it can be done. And if you’re able to, IMO it’s very very worthwhile.

Very well said Walloped.

I should also add it is cool to see so many names in this thread who helped me a whole bunch in those lost early days.