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Judges do not base alimony on whether the husband

or the wife just lost their job.

Judges will peg alimony based on the persons current

or last employment income.

Mr/Mrs you have to pay alimony (based on the laws

of that state).

Judge: you have been earning $100,000 a year.

Alimony will be $50,000 a year.

But judge I recently lost my job and the new job

only pays $40,000.

You have shown an income history that you can earn

$100,000. Your choices are to get a another

$100,000 a year job or find second job to make

ends meet.

His WW losing her job will have no factor.

Actually Oldtruck, we both generalized or made assumptions. What you said may be accurate in your state. It is not accurate here in Maryland. I see alimony adjustments quite often and sometimed, it is over a catastrophic injury or job loss. Neither of us know where 2018 lives but the law may be different there. I still stand by vontention that it would be unwise for 2018 to get her fired for the OM doesn't work there and such an action could hurt him in a state like MD.

[This message edited by Western at 7:18 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

I also don't think that alimony is as much an issue as potential vhild support where they vonsider the kids first. Regardless of whether shes employef or not. Her being unemployed would hurt him by my state's calculations

Timeless, you are absolutely correct. What I was trying to get across was that even though I had the proof, got sick, etc, it didn’t seem real until after she was served and returned to the house

Roger that. The mind fvck is seriously disorienting, what's real, what's not, like watching yourself from outside your body.

Ok, thanks for all the continued support.

Had a talk with one of her sisters. She has been placed on paid administrative leave pending the outcome of an investigation of allegations of improper and unprofessional behavior on school grounds.

For those wondering, I had nothing to do with this. But on the same note, I’m not sad by it either. I think that this will help her hit rock bottom, which I think she must do before she can change and begin to put her life back together.

I called my lawyer with this information and she said that this will not impact anything as they will point out her earning history and potential earning ability.

Other than that, she has only come out of my son’s room to use the bathroom. Don’t know if I should have done this or not, but I knocked on the door, opened it, and put a bottle of water on the floor, then closed the door. Even if she was looking at the door, all she would have seen was my hand.

I’ve asked her sister to come over tomorrow to babysit her.

And before anyone jumps on me for my humanity, I’m viewing this as nothing more giving assistance to a dog, a bitch really, that has been hit by a car and is on side of the road. This is the extent of my compassion for her. If she needs more, she can call her boy toy boyfriend!!

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 9:22 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

I need to vent

Last night/early this morning, while I was sleeping, she crawled into my bed!!!!! Her head on my chest, my arm around her

WTF?!?!

How could someone do that??????

Look, I will admit that I thought I was dreaming, and yes, I was in heaven for the briefest of moments... this is so screwed up!!!!!

But when I woke up, I completely lost it!!! Was screaming my head off that she was NEVER to touch me again. Called her every name in the book and asked why would you ever think I was ever going to touch someone like her?!?! EVER!!!! Told her that she is dead to me, and if she wanted to get laid she needs to go to her boyfriend or go to a bar in town and sit at the bar like every other used slut in town

At some point my daughter came running in, presumably to check on the emergency!!! I can’t believe the language I used in front of her!!!!

On a side note, can anyone come up with a better name than “wife”??? It turns my stomach referring to her as that, and I don’t want to refer to her as WW or WS because I feel like “wayward” diminishes what she has done. SHe did not just lose her way!!!! She intentionally did it! For months!!!!! Unless of course I start using W/S to mean Whore/Slut. Hmmm, I like that

Back to my rant. She went running back to sons room crying. Daughter asked if I as ok, hugged me and went back to her room. And I had to take a shower. This is messed up, but I felt like I had to scrub her touch off of me!

I keep asking myself when will this nightmare be over?!?!

2018, I can understand the anger but you need to get your emotions under control for your kids sake. She is still their mother and your kids being audience to their mother being verbally assaulted is going to emotionally scar them.

What happened is between you and her, at the end of this all, your kids are still going to need 2 parents, and poisoning them against each other will only take away both parents from them becuase they will feel betrayed and abandoned by both.

This is a demon you need to fight for their sake.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 7:41 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I understand why you went off on her, the shock of finding her there and all. But in a way you did her a favor. She is the bad guy not you. You are the victim not her. By doing what you did you are raising her victim status and becoming the bad guy.

In a way the meanest thing you can do to her is to be civil. Giving her the water bottle was meaner than calling her a slut.

Giving her the water bottle:

“After all she did he’s still a decent guy. How in the world could she cheat on him?”

Calling her a slut:

“No wonder she cheated on him.”

The meanest thing you can do is be civil and divorce her. You want her to think about how she screwed up, not that she's better off.

Don't be friends after the divorce. Just be civil.

[This message edited by Michigan at 8:16 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

2018MLMM

It is clear that the weight of what she has done is starting to hit her and she will start trying anything to change the past. A futile effort of course.

You have very strong and definite ideas about how you see this all going. So part of me hesitates to make suggestions. But that is not the spirit of SI so I’m going to chime in and as always take what you need, leave the rest.

2018, even if you are hell bent on divorce, which it appears you are and is an appropriate path to take, at some point it may be helpful to sit down with her, while the kids are away, and discuss what happened. At the very least it could give you the opportunity to explain to her in a calm fashion why this all is a deal breaker for you and where you see things going.

While there is no need to promise her anything more than to listen (no promises to attempt R necessary), you can still give her the opportunity to come completely clean about how this all started and what she did.

I know most will say that if you are headed for D you don’t need to hear it all, and I would agree that you don’t maybe need the detail that Walloped got from Mrs W when they sat at the dining room table for the 100 question session, but I do think you need some closure A session like this could help with that.

My preference would be to do it after you each had some IC sessions under your belt. I can’t remember if you have even agreed to attending IC (it could really help with the sleep and mind movie issues you have reported) or if she is going to go (sounds like she needs it desperately).

But if IC is not in your plans then maybe set a time and place to sit down with her and briefly discuss the past and then focus on the future.

At the bear minimum, a conversation on how you are going to coexist in your house is in order. Having full out screaming matches in front of the kids can be quite hurtful to the young ones. And to be honest, they need to have a relationship with their mother no matter what happens in your marriage.

As I said in a previous post, you are still in the first few moments after the Big Bang explosion from Friday. It will take months to really sort thru your feelings on all that has happened. For most, the roller coaster highs and lows will be some of the most dramatic you will ever experience. I know you are strong and determined, but as you can see, this shit has the ability to bring even the mighty Thor to his knees sobbing.

So setting up a method to communicate can be useful as this process progresses over the next months and year.

You and I are different and that is not a problem. I can appreciate the definitive way you have handled things. If having an alternate opinion here on how to handle things is helpful to you, I’m glad to provide. If not, let me know here or via PM and I’ll have no problem pointing myself elsewhere, no hard feelings.

I wish you improved peace of mind as the days get warmer.

Dude, you need to chill out before she files a protective order against you and kicks you out of the house and gets custody of your kids. I would continue on the divorce route. Have a brief discussion with her regarding why you blew up, even apologize for it at the very least to avoid the above and for the well being of your kids, and then I would make an immediate appointment with your foctor for meds and an IC for help.

You are losing the high ground fast. Don't do that. You have every right to feel the way you do and I have been fully supportive to date. You have been advised to get help numerous times. What are you waiting for ?

Btw, she crawled back into your bed over guilt and wanting to save the marriage. A simple 'I'm sorry, I can't do this. I am asking you to go back to the kids room please' would have sent the message without you damaging your kids and even her who still has to serve as the mother of your kuds.

Get your shit together today. Talk with her. Calm the waters before she files an RO, keep on your course to D but see an IC and a doctor. Its sll doable

[This message edited by Western at 8:57 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Western, Michigan, & Steven,

Thank you.

I’ve called counselor and said I need to meet today.

I will have a talk with W/S tonight about boundaries and I will remain calm at all times.

Thank you for the kick in the backside

I just called her and apologized for my reaction this morning and said we need to finally talk about a good number to things tonight.

Thanks everyone

Also, a coworker suggested I buy a big punching bag and put it up in the basement. I’m going to check them out at D——‘s Sporting on way home tonight. I’m picturing a lot of red knuckles in my near future

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 8:54 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Good you got it controlled and manned up and

apologized. No need to make things worse.

Continue staying under control tonight. If you feel

that you are losing tell her you are going for a

walk you really need a break right now.

Eventually the need for name calling will end. We

are all human, though do not slip up in front of

the kids. And hold back so you do not give a repeat

of last nights behavior.

In the end it is the right thing to do.

Climbing into your bed was unconscionable and again clearly shows how selfish she is. Your response was understandable however with kids in the house it was over the top.

You need to talk with your daughter ASAP and make sure she understands that this was a terrible way to handle the situation. She may be a little afraid of another blowup. Counseling for her is a must.

Managing your anger with therapy and perhaps an exercise regimen such as kick boxing will go a long way towards your healing. This is still really fresh and raw. Rein the anger in, walk away when you need to and use indifference as a tool to manage your WW.

Kudos to you 2018 for your quick actions to bring this under control this morning. We are here for you through this shit show.

I would suggest tonight. BBC before your meeting with her, take some time, walk somewhere. Clear your mind, write down a list of questions and as suggested above, ligistics should be the primary topic, maybe get a little into what Michigan and stevesn suggested because at some point, you will probably want to know some things if not everything. Just not all at once. At the end, schefule another talk if need be. Google steps yo talk to someone you are angry at while remaining calm. Keep us updated. If you can control your anger and use it constructively, you will achieve your objectives

I'm not sure if it's been said but you need to change your bedroom lock to a keyed lock. In house separations are extremely tough at best . A good doctor can prescribe something to alleviate the anger issues.

I'm not sure if it's been said but you need to change your bedroom lock to a keyed lock. In house separations are extremely tough at best .

I agree.

2018...I am sure you noted this in the thread (I didn't see where you did so I'll just ask), is there a reason why it's necessary to have IHS? It must be awful...and I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you're getting some help for the anger - you don't need to lose your kids and get arrested for her f-ups.

Peace...

Lala

2018

I recommend the kids not be in the house while you talk. Can a relative take them for the night? It would be best they not hear it.

As for the discussion, Make a pact with yourself to MOSTLY LISTEN. Try not to interrupt her. If you think of a question while she is talking write it down. Have lots of paper and pens availaible. And water and tissues too. No alcohol.

It’s fine to ask questions. As many as you want. But let her fully answer.

If it were me I’d start with a statement. Something like “I have no idea why you have done what you have done. It has broken my heart. If there was something wrong with our marriage this was not the way to handle it, and marital problems are no excuse for having an affair. If you had issues with our marriage you should have discussed them with me, or yelled at me about them, or filed divorce papers if it came to it. Marital issues I can take 50% of the blame for and 50% responsibility for fixing. The A is 100% on you.”

Then I would just start out with: “Please tell me how it happened that you decided to throw away our marriage”

And then let her speak and just listen. If possible record (with her knowing) or better yet, write down her answers as it will help you to listen.

At the end of your questions you should discuss the boundaries you will be moving forward under.

If you were willing to consider trying R I’d start by giving her a form of the 25 requirements list I posted a few pages back. But you’ve been fairly clear you’re not willing to go down that path.

If it’s straight D, come to agreement of how you are to live while the D proceeds and how you will communicate about finances and the kids.

This is a really tough time and I’m sorry you are going through it. Try to stay as calm as possible.

You’ve never discussed how your marriage seemed prior to DDay. Did everything seem great and happy or were you fighting a lot. I ask only to know if you’ve had a history of yelling screaming matches before it may be difficult not to do that now. If that’s the case, make sure you take lots of breaks if the urge to start screaming hits you. Take a walk around the house or around the block to cool down.

The important thing is, as others have stated, don’t make people feel sorry for her. You are the injured party. You are the one in control of the narrative.

This is still the beginning of a long journey.

I wish you strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:24 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I just called her and apologized for my reaction this morning and said we need to finally talk about a good number to things tonight.

Thanks everyone

2018MLMM

This is great. Apologize to your kids too. Just say that you have been under so much stress that you lost your head.

That you haven't been able to talk to anyone and made an appointment with a counselor.

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:36 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Let that be the last time you lose your cool. Don't let yourself ever do that again. You need to be the adult in all this. Your daughter is looking to you to be a leader and her rock through this. You can't be a leader when you wig out like that.

Get into IC, get on some meds, do whatever you need to do.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 3:19 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]