SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Call me whatever you want. It is all true and I know it

I had a great life. A fantastic husband that loved me without question or limit, who would do anything for me and our family, two great kids, we are financially secure, friends, and a career that I enjoyed. And I threw it all away. My husband has filed for divorce, my kids hate me and will not talk to me or even call me mom any more, I've had friends tell me that they can no longer be my friends, and I'm about to lose my job.

Twelve horrible days ago, my husband had a police officer waiting for me at a hotel that I was going to spend the weekend with someone, and I was given the divorce papers. I thought that I had everything hidden, but I think he has been reading my texts and emails, which I do not care about because I want him to see everything now. But if he is reading my texts and emails....

Just to give you an idea of the type of person he is, when he has been making dinner for him and my youngest, he always makes too much, just so I can have some later. Not that hungry. And one time, I was in bedroom crying and he knocked on the door and placed a bottle of water on the floor and said that he didn't want me to dehydrate. What type of man who has a slut for a wife does that for her?

I need your help. please.

I want to fix everything. I don't care about my job, I'll become a waitress if need be. But I want my husband, kids, my life back and I don't know how to make the very first step. Whatever I try, I just get a dirty look in response. I have stayed at my sister's house for a few days, but I am at least back home now. At least until my husband tells me otherwise. As I said, my kids hate me. I've had two conversations with my oldest, but he said that if my husband divorces me, he will have nothing to do with me ever again. My youngest just yells and gives snide remarks. My husband will usually only give one or two word answers to me.

I feel like I'm losing or have already lost everything. My husband finds reasons to be out of the house when I am there and my youngest isn't. If my youngest is there, he is as well. He has started going to the gym and has already gone out twice. What he did when he went out I don't know, but I can smell alcohol on his clothes the next day. I'm not sure if he is going out with another woman or with friends.

I just don't know how to get him to see that I am truly sorry for what I have done. It was so worthless. He isn't especially good looking and it wasn't even good. It was just the excitement of being attractive to a younger person.

I feel like that there must be some thing I can do to start the process of getting my husband to see that I'm so sorry and would never hurt him ever again. And I do know that he is hurting. He tries to hide it but he has cried in front of me and I hear him sobbing behind the bedroom door regularly. But he won't even let me put my hand on his shoulder. He pulls it away as if my mere touch will inflict pain on him.

I will do anything. All he has to do is tell me what it is. He said that the divorce will happen no matter what, but that we may date after I figure out the causes of my actions and all of the whys. I feel if I don't convince him that I'm worth a second change within the next six months I will lose him forever.

I will do anything. I just don't know how to do the very first part of the start. I went to a tattoo shop and was asking about getting a red letter A placed on my chest, or the work cheater placed on the side of my neck as a way of permanently remembering just how horrible of a person I am. They said they wouldn't do it

I haven't contacted the other guy since two days after the hotel. I came home that night, but he stayed for the weekend. His wife also knows and he sent me a message that he wants no contact with me ever again. He never returned to work.

please help.

My husband and I are going to have a discussion tonight and I don't know what to do or say.

Any suggestions?

[This message edited by WhyDidI at 11:28 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

yes, I'm already seeing a counselor. I've begged husband to start marriage counseling with me multiple times, but he simply says, "Not now"

I started the EA late last summer and it became physical last October. The mistake was a much younger guy who was not especially good look, actually shorter than me, and I was often left frustrated.

[This message edited by WhyDidI at 10:39 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

You may want to put up the stop sign. BS's can be brutal at times, and you may not be ready for that. Waywards will be honest, sometimes more than you want to hear, but they will help you if you are strong enough to listen.

As far as magic words to fix the situation with your BH, there are none. Only action over a long period of time has the possibility of working, but there are no promises that can be made that it will ever be fixed. For some BS's infidelity is a deal breaker that they cannot get past. Yours hasn't communicated that to you yet. It has only been a very short time past DDay, he may soften, he may not. Only time will tell.

Your best option, is to work hard in IC, find out the why's and fix them. Work on yourself, prepare for the possibility that he may not get over this, and if he does give you another chance. Be very grateful, because it is a gift he does not have to give.

Do not Trickle Truth him. Tell him everything, TT will destroy your chances of ever getting past this, TT is just turning the knife after you stick it in. The pain starts over. Complete honesty is the only chance. Be open, let him see everything, phone, email, everything. Nothing is secret or private. You chose to give those things away.

He needs to see a completely open and broken person that has true remorse. No anger from you.

You will receive better advice than I can give, but I wanted you to know you were heard and others will be along..

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 11:16 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

I would first stop with the dramatics. Calling yourself a slut, whore, the tattoo, saying you will have to be a waitress...

You are still making this all about YOU. In reality it is all about your husband and what you did to him and your family. I don't see a lot of remorse in your post, just a lot of what seems like manipulation to get him to feel sorry for you.

What would probably be most helpful to him is to sit down and at the discussion tonight act like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions, apologize and mean it, don't get defensive, don't make excuses, be honest and don't try to down play it "he wasn't that attractive and he was shorter than me". You fucked another guy, regardless of if he was a troll or not, it doesn't matter.

He is at least granting you the opportunity of a discussion, some waywards don't even get that. Your husband is hurting, he is devastated, his whole world and life as he knew it has crashed down on him. There is nothing YOU can do to help that right now.

Listen to him, honor his wishes, show him respect and be willing to have an honest conversation, knowing you cannot control the outcome of it.

Unfortunately you need to realize you made this happen, your decisions, your actions, your choices, and now he is making his decisions based on your past ones. Everyone is hurting right now, you are in the thick of the pain. Time helps.

Good luck.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:18 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Pink,

Thank you

Is your BH on here? If so I think I know who he is.

You may want to put a stop sign on this.

Its Not Me,

Thank you

I though the story sounded familiar...

If your BS is on here, do not read his thread without his permission. That would be terribly disrespectful.

For starters, I’ll second you adding a stop sign to this post.

Now, with regard to you, you have a lot of work to do on yourself in IC before you even start to think about MC. MC right now would be counter productive, because any problems which existed in the M before the A are separate from the A. I doubt your BH thought the M was all sunshine and roses either, but then he didn’t decide to go F someone else, did he? You own that shitty choice all by yourself (and please don’t ever call it a “mistake” in front of your BS, it minimizes the A).

I recommend reading the threads of WWs here. Mrs. Walloped and ASoCalledLife would be very good places to start understanding what you’ve done to your BS, M, and family.

Good luck getting a handle on the enormity of the situation.

NSCALE,

yes, he is on here and he knows that I am as well. I don't know his username, but we've agreed not to go looking for anything the other person has written. If we come across it, we promised to leave immediately that discussion

NSCALE, just would like to ask one question, if it is him, is he being well supported?

I was not referring to the affair as a mistake. I was referring to the other guy as a mistake. What is a better term for him?

I think your husband refers to him as POS...piece of shit...and yes I read all his posts and I knew you were his wife as soon as I started reading.

You can refer to him as your AP (affair partner) or OM (other man).

as to the stop sign,

Won't it help getting the opinion of other people who were cheated upon on how there spouses helped start the process?

He is being well supported.

AP is the proper designation for the Affair Partner.

Yes, it will give you the opinions of the others that have been cheated on... Are you sure you are ready for that? They have been hurt badly and a lot of times are looking for a wayward to take their anger out on..

Just remember what their perspective is and where they are coming from. Like I mentioned earlier, they can be brutal.

Generally accepted terms are other man (OM, although I prefer POSOM. I’ll let you guess what POS means.) and affair partner (AP). Also, let’s be honest, you didn’t mistake the OM for your H and have sex with him. You knowingly chose, and actively planned, to have sex with someone besides your H for 5-6 months, if not longer. That is the reality of the situation.

Just a few thoughts. One, you're in pain, but haven't yet discussed the pain your husband is in which is called remorse. Once you feel the depth of betrayal in your husband's heart and soul, you will be in a space where self-healing can begin. Right now, you're just worried about you, which is understandable considering the divorce clock is ticking, but your first order of business is him and expressing sincere remorse.

By the way, it's unlikely that you will ever fully grasp the degree of anguish he's experiencing right now, but a fraction of that will help significantly. The emasculation a husband feels at the behest of his wife giving her body and mind to another man is beyond what words can describe.

Second, until you fix yourself, the marriage isn't really fixable. Right now, you're the same person who betrayed him and had a boyfriend while married. Think about it, the only difference between now and two weeks ago is that you were caught. If you hadn't, you would still be in the affair, so as you see, you're the same person right now and therefor he can't risk giving his heart to someone who miscarried it in the first place. Marriage counseling does nothing when the wayward spouse hasn't fixed what's broken. The brokeness is the same as it was two weeks ago.

The pain of loss of husband and family will effect some change, but again you were willing to maintain a boyfriend knowing your husband and family loved you so what's different? Only an independent counselor getting to the root cause will complete the first step towards reconciling. Speaking of reconciling, with betrayal comes consequences.

You've been controlling matters for as long as you had a boyfriend. Now the consequences come home to roost. You may have to come to the realization that your consequences will come in the form of divorce. It's very important to recognize your husband may need divorce to heal and if that's the case, grant him that. It's been all about you up to this point, so if the divorce is needed, so be it.

You must accept this possible fate, despite your pain of its reality. Prioritize HIS healing, as it validates your remorselessness. You will just have to play by his rules and try to win his heart back. You know it will be difficult because of your affair history and the fact that he's a good man and good men don't stay on the market very long, but it is what it is.

[This message edited by Jorge at 11:38 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

Thank you. I'll refer to him as OM.

As to those who were cheated on, they are more than welcome to say anything they want. If they want to use me as a proxy for their cheating partners, so be it. If it helps them even the slightest, it will be good.

Cant imagine them saying anything worse than what I have said

He is being supported. However not all of the advice is good. Soooo....

I am a FBH. I like to hear both sides of the story. Drop the tattoo idea and you aren't a whore or a slut. You're a human in Gods image and deserve to be treated as one. What bothers me is your kids should not be dragged into this but it appears that they have. You do need to figure your self out. I and many on here will be praying for you. Some will find there way from the JFO side that are familiar with his story and start attacking. Learn to be discerning about the kind of advice you read. Not all is helpful.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 11:42 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]